Upstairs Downstairs Ch. 02

Part 2 of 2

On Monday morning I knew I had to face the music, that I 'd have to talk with Marianne either in the kitchen or in our car on our trip to work together. Part of me just wanted to hide away in my bedroom downstairs and not come out, the other part of me told me to man the hell up, admit to what happened and try to move on.

As I made my way into the kitchen to make a coffee, my wife was already there, quietly sipping on her coffee.

"Good morning, Mazzy." I offered, trying to sound like this was just like any other morning.

"Good morning, Dave." Marianne responded while continuing to sip her coffee. I could sense her eyes watching me as I went about making my own coffee, I was doing my best not to make eye contact with her, however.

After I finished making my coffee and had my first mouthful, Marianne broke the uneasy silence once more.

"So, are we going to talk about last night?" My wife softly asked me.

"I'd rather not. I'm feeling way to embarrassed still." I replied.

"Really, why?" Marianne countered.

"Why do you think? You caught me jacking off watching you fuck someone else. Is that not enough?" I answered.

"Perhaps, but it looked like you enjoyed it from where I was." My wife replied.

"I'm not saying I didn't enjoy watching, I did. I'm saying I'm embarrassed that you caught me doing it."

"Can I ask if that was the first time? You know, that you've masturbated while watching me having sex." Marianne asked.

"The first time watching, yes."

"Hold on, were there other times?" Marianne quickly responded.

Fuck! I can't believe I'm telling her this, but what the hell have I got to lose now anyway.

"Yes, there were other times. Many times. I've never watched before though; I've only ever listened." I replied, feeling like I was in church admitting to my sins.

"Would you often masturbate while listening to me with Shawn?" Marianne followed up with.

"Yes, okay. Are we done now? Can I now get on with the rest of my day feeling completely emasculated?" I asked her.

"You don't have to feel bad about it, Dave. What if I told you that I've also masturbated while listening to you with some of the women you brought home. Would that make you feel any better?"

"Really? I thought that me having them over made you angry." I replied.

"Not angry, it's made me frustrated with you more than feeling angry. But it also turned me on sometimes too. I'll admit that on occasion I've masturbated while listening to you with them, I even did it when you woke me up on Saturday morning just gone, with that woman you brought home from the bar. I think I understand the guilt that you're probably feeling right now, I felt that way too afterwards. I found it hard to even talk to you later that morning, I felt so guilty for doing it even if you didn't have a clue." Marianne told me.

"Well, fuck me. This hasn't turned out anything like the way I thought this conversation was going to go." I replied.

"You have a habit of that, Dave. You're always assuming you know what I'm thinking or feeling without ever actually asking me first." Marianne replied.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm sorry, I don't mean to."

"Don't be sorry, just please talk to me in future." My wife replied as I nodded back in agreement.

We both sat there drinking our coffee in silence before Marianne finally smiled at me, then asked me something unexpected.

"So, can I ask what you enjoyed the most about watching us?"

"What? You want to go there, right now? Like I'm not embarrassed enough already." I asked back with a chuckle of my own.

"Come on, you can tell me. I promise I won't tell too many of our friends at work." Marianne teased.

"Oh really? They already think I'm some sort of cuckold for allowing you to take a lover." I responded.

"Oh, you're a cuckold alright, but that has nothing to do with whether you allow it or not." Marianne laughed back at me.

I shook my head in response, she's actually enjoying making me feel more than a little sheepish about everything that happened last night.

"Come on, Dave. Which part?" She insisted, still with a cheeky grin across her face.

"I don't know Mazzy, all of it. You looked so fucking sexy when you were clinging on to him like your life depended on it." I answered.

"Yeah, he really knows what he's doing. It doesn't hurt that he's super fit and looks fantastic too, and not forgetting that he's also got a cock that most horses would be jealous of." Marianne fired back, again laughing out loud.

"Are you trying to make me feel even more insecure than I already am? You're enjoying all this, aren't you?" I asked her with a wry smile.

Marianne got up off her stool and came over and hugged me.

"Oh, come on Dave. If we can't laugh about this stuff, what can we laugh about? If there's ever going to be a future for us, we need to be okay with what's happened over the last year, to not let it get between us. Just next time, if you're going to jerk off watching, let me know first." Marianne laughed as she squeezed into me a little more.

I hugged her back and smiled, this was the first time in well over a year that we've even held each other, let alone with any form of warmth or dare I say love between us. Maybe there is some hope for us after all.

The next few days at work and at home went well, my relationships with both my co-workers and with my wife seemed to be getting even better with every passing day. On Wednesday at lunch, I sat chatting away with Rachel at the diner a few doors down from our office when she decided to ask me something personal like she sometimes does.

"So, Dave, do you ever see yourself getting back together with Marianne? Do you still love her?" Rachel asked me.

"Yeah, I do. For both questions. I just need to sort myself out first though." I answered her.

"What exactly does that even mean? To 'sort yourself out'?" Rachel quickly replied.

I thought about that for a moment, I was struggling to answer her.

"Look, I think I need to be sure of my feelings for her before I commit to our marriage again." I ended up saying.

"You just said that you still love her though, what feelings are you talking about?" Rachel prodded me further.

"We've been apart for a year now, longer than that really as the last six months we were together weren't good either. This is a big step for me, for us; I don't want to fuck it up a second time." I responded.

"Yeah, okay. I just think that if you two still love each other, the other stuff doesn't really matter, you just need to find a way to make it work." Rachel replied.

"Not everything's a hallmark movie. It's not that easy." I responded.

"Alright, I'll stop busting your balls, for now at least." Rachel replied with a smile.

We continued eating our lunch for a few minutes before I decided to take the opportunity of my own to ask Rachel a few things.

"Now I get to ask you a few personal questions too, like what first got you interested in your fiancé?"

"Derrick? Oh, that's easy. He's a 6'5 piece of prime black beef. I was weak in the knees the first time he came over and talked to me. He made it clear right from the start that he was going to have me, just his confidence and the arrogance, I couldn't resist." Rachel replied while smiling.

"So, love at first sight then?"

"Lust, more like it. My boyfriend at the time wasn't too happy about it though."

"What? You had a boyfriend?"

"Yeah, we were out at a club together and Derrick basically came over and told me that tonight he was going to give me the best fuck of my life, right in front of my boyfriend. I think my boyfriend almost pissed his pants, worrying that he should stand up to this muscular black guy who towered over him. But he didn't tell Derrick where to get off, he just looked at me like it was all my fault for putting him in that situation, just pathetic." Rachel added.

"What was he supposed to do, it sounds like Derrick could've kicked his ass."

"He at least could've stood up for himself, I would've respected that even if he got his ass kicked. But he didn't, he knew his place when someone better than him came calling." Rachel replied, chuckling with her answer.

"That's a bit harsh, isn't it? Some big guy comes over and tells you that he's going to fuck you, I would've at least expected you to tell him off if your boyfriend wasn't going to. You can't put it all on him to fight all your battles, surely." I responded.

"Maybe, but like I said, just Derrick's confidence and arrogance to do that, along with how strong and handsome he was, I was weak at the knees already. I wanted him to make good on his promise."

"Well, I'm sure your boyfriend could argue that you weren't being a very good girlfriend in that moment, either then."

"Yeah, but I didn't care. He'd already lost me by not standing up for himself. Derrick then took me up to the dance floor and kissed me shortly after, my boyfriend was still there watching us and did nothing about it. When he saw me kissing him back, putting my hands all over Derrick's body, he stormed off and left the club like the little bitch he is. Derrick took me home later that night and made good on his word, he gave me the best fuck of my life. We haven't looked back since."

"Your previous boyfriend, was he black too?"

"No, Derrick's the first black guy I've ever dated. He's just so much more masculine than all the white guys I'd been dating up until then. He knows what he wants, and he takes it. He doesn't make excuses for it or apologizes for being so manly."

"Uh-oh, the feminists would call that toxic masculinity right there." I responded.

"All those ugly feminist women who can't get laid can talk shit about 'toxic masculinity' all they want yet give them half a chance with some good-looking masculine guy like my Derrick, they'd have their panties off quicker than anyone. They're all so full of shit. They pretend that they like the more feminine guys, but really, they just like how subservient those guys are to them. Real women want real men, always." Rachel replied.

"Well, I'm sure those feminnazi's would call you a female misogynist or something for that opinion." I laughed back at her.

"They can call me whatever they want, I'm the one getting well fucked every night by the type of guy they can only dream of having. Do you think they're ever going to be satisfied with their weak and obedient little supportive male feminist's? Hardly." Rachel laughed in response.

"Is that how you see me, though? Being weak for not being upset with my wife for sleeping with her buff black gym owner." I asked Rachel with a smile.

"No, I've just been teasing you about it is all. Marianne and I have talked about what happened in your marriage. She also told me about all the women you've been bringing home and sleeping with. You're hardly the soy-boy type." Rachel replied while smiling once more.

I was happy with her response; I've been worried they've been seeing me in the wrong light because of my wife's relationship with Shawn.

After work, Marianne and I drove home together. On the way home, Marianne had her own questions for me.

"Dave, usually Shawn comes over tonight, are you really sure that you're still okay with our arrangement?" Marianne asked me.

"I said we shouldn't change anything for now, so yeah, I'm okay with it." I responded.

"It's just, oh, it doesn't matter. I'll let him know then." Marianne replied.

"What is it, Mazzy? Out with it." I responded to her.

"Well, it's just that we've been getting along so much better lately and this week in particular. I don't want to complicate things between us if I can help it."

"It's your choice whether you want to sleep with Shawn or not, not mine. But I won't hold it against you for doing it if that's what you're worried about. We both need some sexual gratification in our lives, that's why I had Tasha over on Friday night. I don't feel bad about you being with Shawn, I really don't." I answered my wife.

"Alright, I'm sorry for bringing it up. I just wanted to make sure you were okay with it still, that's all." Marianne replied in a slightly defensive tone.

"Yeah, I'm okay with-it Mazzy, I mean that. This time I'll even make sure I don't listen in or watch you two in action; I'm still trying to get past my embarrassment from last Sunday." I responded with a chuckle to lighten the mood.

That at least brought out a smile on Marianne's face, I think that she's probably worried that if she continues to hook up with Shawn, it might be seen as an obstacle for us getting back together.

"You don't have to do that, not listen or watch, that is. I'm okay if you want to do either, I can even talk with Shawn too if you like, I know he'll probably be okay with it." Marianne responded while smiling still.

"What? Are you saying you actually want me to watch you?" I couldn't believe what Marianne had just said to me.

"Maybe, I don't know. I'll admit I got a huge thrill out of seeing you standing in the doorway last time, masturbating and then cumming like that while watching me. I know this sounds weird or something, but all I wanted to do was to hold you right then. I felt kind of empty when you took off back down the hallway. For a moment, I was going to run after you. But I didn't know what I should say, or how you'd react." Marianne divulged.

"I would've been too embarrassed right then to react in any way that you would've liked. I'm glad you let me be. As far as watching you again though, I don't think that's such a good idea. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, there's a reason why I felt ashamed and embarrassed afterwards. I don't think it's healthy for us to be doing this." I replied.

"Yeah, I know. You're probably right, I just don't want you feeling bad about it. Look, just forget I said anything and let's just move on." Marianne replied.

I nodded in agreement to my wife as I pulled into our driveway.

I later walked the two blocks to Gary's house, his wife and my bartending boss Sonia, was out somewhere with my ex and co-worker Beverly, leaving us two guys alone to have a quiet beer. I felt like I needed to talk to someone about what's been happening lately, but I was struggling to bring myself to say exactly what I was thinking due to the embarrassment of it all.

"Can I ask you something? About you and Sonia." I asked Gary.

"Yeah, sure."

"If you two ever split up, would you ever consider getting back with her, you know, if both of you had been sleeping with other people in the meantime." I followed up.

"Why don't you just ask me if I think you and Marianne should get back together, that's what you're really asking here." Gary countered.

"Maybe, but I want to know your take on it if it was you and Sonia in the same position." I replied.

"Fuck Dave, I don't know. It'd have to depend on why we split up in the first place, I guess. If we're past that or not, if anyone needs to forgive the other." He answered.

"What about the other people, if you both slept with other people while you were split up." I asked further.

"Well, if for argument's sake we both agreed to split up, if it was a mutual thing without any cheating involved, then neither of us could be too judgmental about us being with other people in the meantime. I think it'd be more the case of if we wanted to be back together again or not. But if we'd split up due to cheating, well, that's a different question all together." Gary replied.

I nodded in response, taking a mouthful of beer before we sat in silence for a good minute.

"What's this all about, Dave? Do you want to get back with Marianne but you're not sure because she's seeing someone now?" Gary eventually asked me.

"Not quite, Marianne told me she never wanted us to be separated to begin with, that she wants us to be a married couple again. I'm just trying to sort it all out in my head, I guess." I answered.

"Wow, okay. So why did you ask me about the whole split-up couple sleeping with other people bit? That must be an issue for you." Gary responded.

"I don't know, I'd like to think not." I answered.

"Then why ask it? It's okay if it's a problem for you. You can't deal with it if you don't even admit that it's an issue." Gary replied.

"I didn't think it was an issue. It's just, nah, I'm just being childish." I answered.

"What is it?" Gary insisted.

I rubbed my face a little, this was hard to admit to myself, let alone to my best friend.

"It's just, I know Mazzy enjoys fucking her new boyfriend way more than she did with me. There, I said it." I responded.

"What? How do you know that? Have you asked her?" Gary asked, a little surprised by my revelation.

"No, but I've heard her with him plenty of times, hell, I even watched them once. I can't believe I'm telling you this stuff. I know I'm just sounding insecure and all that other bullshit, but what now? I know she enjoys sex with him way more than with me. How can it ever work out between us if she'd prefer to be fucking him instead?" I asked Gary.

"Hold on. You've watched your wife getting fucked by her boyfriend? Really?" Gary asked, I could tell he was a little shocked by this.

"Yeah, just once. I felt like shit for doing it too." I replied.

"Damn! Okay, just...wow."

"You can close your gaping mouth now, it's not that shocking, is it?"

"Maybe, maybe not. I don't know how I'd feel if I ever watched Sonia getting railed by some other guy, even if we weren't together at the time. Some things are hard to un-see."

"Yeah, you're telling me. But back to the question I had, do you think it can work between us if I know she likes fucking him more?" I asked again.

"Well, is Marianne the best fuck you've ever had?" Gary countered.

"Maybe, although I think Tasha from the bar might be even better. Beverly was pretty damn good as well." I responded.

"Well then, does Tasha stop you from wanting to get back together with Marianne or not? The fact that you might miss out on having sex with her if you and Marianne are together again?" Gary responded.

"No, not at all. It's not like that with me and Tasha, she's just been what I've needed to get by. I love my wife, there's a big difference." I answered.

"I think you just answered your own question. Marianne won't care if her current squeeze fucks her better than you, not if she loves you and not him." Gary replied.

"Yeah, I guess so. It's just a hard pill to swallow you know, knowing that I'm no longer the best fuck my own wife has ever had." I answered back.

"Pride's a bitch, yeah. But you'll be fine as long as you don't let that sort of shit eat away at you. It doesn't help anyone." Gary replied as we continued to drink our beer.

As I walked the two blocks home, I thought about it further. In the end, I knew Gary was right. I can't let my own insecurities ruin what might happen between me and Marianne. I know I still love her; and now I have a chance to get my marriage back which is something I never even thought possible only a week ago.

No, if it was going to work between us, I needed to be okay with the fact that both of us have been sleeping with others. Hell, it's been me that's been sleeping with numerous women, Marianne's only slept with one other guy. Just why the hell did he have to be some hung black adonis fuck stud though? That thought made me chuckle to myself, the absurdity of my feelings of insecurity about being sexually inferior to my wife's lover.

For me, sleeping with Tasha was just a bit of fun, that's also what Marianne said of her relationship with Shawn. I've enjoyed my time with Tasha for what it is, so should Marianne with Shawn. Yeah, it's just been a bit of fun for both of us.

As I opened the front door to our house, the sounds of lovemaking coming from upstairs quickly got my attention. After getting a glass of water, I sat down in almost darkness on the couch in our main living room, quietly listening to their sounds of lovemaking emanating throughout our house.