Upstream

Upstream: Working proactively to maintain a marriage.

Row row row your boat. The first twenty two years of our marriage was downstream, and the rowing was easier, not easy, easier. Raising toddlers is physically the hardest work city professionals have to do. Raising teenagers is not physically difficult, but has its moments, different for boys and girls. We have one of each so we got to experience both. Of course we had our arguments, but usually they were about the best way to accomplish the same goal. I naively thought that once the kids were in selective colleges, two states away, life would get better.

I am Bill Johnson, a lawyer. My wife is Julie. Julie returned to business as our son, the younger child, entered high school. She had a bachelor's in accounting. She qualified for the CPA, and is now a senior accountant in her firm. I know and have been the definition of work husband. What is sometimes not made clear is that there are two types. When the two participants have no mutual sexual attraction, the situation is benign, and often very good for the workplace. I also from personal experience know the concept of workplace flirtation, not so benign. In my case, it was always in a public place, so it didn't help the marriage, but was not disastrous.

My wife gives a presentation about once a year, about her solution to an interesting accounting problem. She chooses the convention like real estate, location, location, location. I join her and make it a vacation, partly paid for by her employer. At last year's conference, she attended a presentation by Tom Mason. He had a better solution to her problem than she. So she recruited him for her firm. He had just been divorced and was looking for a new outlook. The twenty percent raise offered in a new city sweetened the cake, and he took the job.

It was not strange that Julie wanted Tom for her team. Tom was a skilled CPA and quickly became her work husband, unfortunately not the benign type. I understand work lunches and have no objection, as long as you keep it to an hour and a half in a public restaurant, and both return to the office. When Julie and Tom had a celebratory dinner after bagging a new client, and she returned half tipsy at ten PM, I made my displeasure known. The problem was that Julie and Tom were scheduled for a joint presentation at a conference in Orlando in two weeks. My client had a court appearance rescheduled so I had to cancel my reservation for the convention. Julie did not disagree that we had a problem. We agreed that she would stay away from Tom except at the presentation. In my practice I had to become familiar with many recording devices. I slipped one of the best into her purse, unknown to Julie. It looked like a papermate ball point pen.

When Julie returned, it was easy to extricate the device from her purse when she went to the bathroom. As I listened to the tape, it was clear that they did not have sex, or even neck. They did have a breakfast and two dinners alone together, and they did flirt. The flirting was on the high school junior level. I didn't know whether to be relieved or alarmed. What if he improved his technique? My immediate problem was that I couldn't call Julie on the fraternization, without revealing my checking on her, and I might need to use the pen again.

Julie was over affectionate the week after the conference. She didn't know the basic cheater's handbook rule that you change nothing. I took full advantage of her ignorance. I did ask her if it was difficult to avoid Tom Mason at the conference. She said that they attended a few sessions together, but that was all, an outright lie. What is the most efficient way to handle amateurish potential cheaters? The lie she just told me is not enough to change my goal of saving my marriage. What is? If Julie had sex with another man, it would be divorce. But what about in between? Kissing, light petting, heavy petting? Is divorce like boxing, below the belt is the issue? What if Julie had sex with a woman? I didn't know the answers to any of these questions, so I was stuck with waiting and seeing until I could see how each step would affect me. I say stuck, because I understand how easy it is to say that kissing doesn't cross the line, then the next thing doesn't cross, until there is no line.

Julie Johnson here:

I am an accountant. I know numbers and logic. The drivel that follows is neither. Sometimes your thinking isn't led by your brain, but by what people say is your heart. I don't think that pump has anything to do with the rot that follows. I believe it comes from lower than that. I have just lied to my husband about my seeing Tom at the convention. I know it's wrong, but I don't think the lie is so serious that he would divorce me, even if he found out. Taking the chance seems dumb, even to me. Why am I doing it. I have a limited time before menopause, and that's my last chance for romance. I know it's wrong. You can have sex after menopause, and the last thing I want is to get pregnant. If I want to cheat, I should welcome menopause. Knowing and feeling are two different things.

When Tom joined our firm, it caused a stir among the women in the office. Several of the single women freely discussed his technique after his first month. It was not his accounting skills that they were most interested in. His equipment was slightly above average, but the way he used it drew raves. Two of the married women, Eve and Mary, nodded their heads as if they agreed.

However, it is his accounting ability that led to unparalleled success for both of us at work. Success increases endorphins. I know I should leave our relationship as work husband only. It is stupid to think of other husbandly duties. Sometimes all of us get dumb.

Bill Johnson again:

I am not going to wait on my marriage. It is time to act:

"Julie, Tom Mason has really helped you at work. I appreciate the bonuses. I want to show my appreciation. Invite him over for dinner. Then I will make sure he knows the legal necessities for his present status, gratis."

"From what I hear, his weekends are full. I will ask him for Thursday."

It was a better dinner than I had gotten from Julie in a long time. I felt a little jealous. I took Tom into my study after dinner.

"Tom, you might not appreciate it as a single guy, but this state balances its budget on people who die without wills. The probate costs are prohibitive, and after five years the state claims all property not contested. If you want your parents or siblings to get your wealth, I will make up a simple will, no charge. Julie's bonuses that you contributed to more than cover my fee. Before we get into your will, I will give you some information about this town. Eve's husband, Richard, owns a construction company. He seldom uses machinery to bend steel. He heats it up and bends it with his hands. He can get to fit better. Mary's husband, Guido, does something for some New Jersey guys in hydraulics. I am not sure what, he just says, wet work. He often goes out of town for his work. I would think that kind of job would take a while, but he is usually out for only one or two days. He says, the shorter the better. I don't know what this has to do with your will, but it is always good to know the local situation. Now let's get to work on your will."

During the next week, Tom went to the Human Resources Department and told them he could help the company more effectively working independently. He was taken off Julie's team. Julie now most often has wives' club lunches with Mary and Eve. Being proactive is important when moving your marriage upstream.