V is for Veronica Ch. 07

I can't do this.

I clear my throat. "Listen, I gotta go, I gotta take Janessa home. I'll talk to you soon."

My voice is excessively high and perky and I don't give him a chance to speak, before I hang up and blindly climb out reaching for my clothing.

I will not cry.

I tumble through the door and down the stairs once dressed, looking for my purse and keys. Everything feels far and weird and I don't know what I'm doing.

Janessa is standing by the door eyes at her feet.

"Come on," My voice is more brusque than it needs to be. I throw open the door to the garage and get in my car.

She's silent when she gets in, and it doesn't break until halfway to her house.

"I am not a bottom," she mutters.

It catches me by such surprise that I burst out laughing.

"Yeah? You forget that you made me watch two dudes just fuck you and make you beg and you loved every minute of it. I fucking humiliated you in my kitchen and you loved every minute of it. When you fucking fucked Rob at my 20th, you did it on the pool table face down, ass up with your arms pinned behind you," I have three fingers up.

"Oh my fucking GOD, Vivi? You know about that?" she looks horrified.

"Are you serious? EVERYONE knows about that!" I hoot.

Jonny and I are less than a year apart, and our birthdays are within a month of each other, May and June. What this meant in practice is that our parents, to save money, would cut a cake on each of our days individually, but every party was a split party at the end of May.

In high school we finally had our own celebrations, but by the time I graduated, we had a lot of overlap in our friend groups that we decided to celebrate together again just for shits and giggles. We had a rocking' house party for our 21/20th at Rob's dads' house on the shore, and of all of our celebrations, that was the most scandalous.

That was the year we had hard alcohol and absolutely zero supervision. Decisions were made. People acted in ways. Not everyone remembers everything.

Everyone remembers the pool table fucking, though. There was no way not to.

"Y'all were so loud, we could hear him slap your ass all the upstairs," I shake my head laughing. I had to come downstairs to check on their dumb asses.

"See this is why I don't fuck with tequila no more," she sucks her teeth, and for a second things feel normal between us. "Rob, of all people."

I tilt my head with a smile. "Yeah, I mean we were all surprised to be honest with you."

That was a good party. That's a party that went late, had everyone crashing there and safe. But more than that, that's a party where Key and I snuck off, made out on the beach, and counted stars.

While everyone else was trashed and blackout drunk, he and I talked on the beach in our hoodies and blanket until we fell asleep in the wee hours.

That was the best birthday ever.

I frown.

I pull up to Janessa's block, but don't bother trying to find a place to park; I'm not staying. I idle in front of her house and hit my aux lights.

Slowly, she releases her belt.

"Listen, loca—" she pauses.

She trails off and presses her lips together, playing with the clasp on her clutch.

I don't say anything.

"I'm sorry," she says finally. "I've fucked up a lot with you. I see that and...I'm sorry."

I don't say anything, still.

"Um," she clears her throat.

"What do you want, Janessa?" I say finally.

"What?" She looks genuinely confused.

"From me? You wanna be my girlfriend?" This isn't a proposal and she knows it. I glance up at her and swallow hard. I'm so fucking angry. "You wanna be my happily ever after?"

"I..." she clamps her mouth shut and her eyes water.

"Vivi, I don't know okay? I saw you with Rakeem and it's like—"

Someone pulls up behind me on the narrow street and honks. She jumps.

"I'll text you later," I say. Quiet but final.

She nods, gets out of the car, and heads to her door without looking back.

I wipe at my eyes and pull away when the front door closes behind her.

***

Asa wipes down the cello with a soft cloth, bringing out the rich red wood. He's sitting on his stool, humming softly the tune of whatever piece he's working on. I sit on their couch hugging my knees. Once he finishes wiping the cello, he gently places it in its stand, takes his bow and slides it along the block of resin. When I'm quiet too long, he glances up at me with his soft kind eyes.

"Veronica?" he asks me in his deep rumbling voice. A little part of me misses the feeling of it when I used to lay my head on his chest. A bigger part of me knows that it's the warmth that I miss. The kindness. I miss the comfort.

I miss Rakeem.

He loosens the bow hairs, hangs the thing on his stand and sits back, big arms crossed over a threadbare sinfully tight across the chest Sublime shirt. I'm not sure I've ever seen him in anything other than solids and flannel. With his hair in a bun he's really nailed down that west coast look.

"Yeah," I breathe out looking at my toenails. The pink polish is chipped and starting to be noticeably grown out, but Rakeem did them for me and I'm dumb and I dont want to take it off.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"As long as it's not about whether or not I'm speaking to my brother because I'm not," I sniff.

Asa laughs rich and deep and it automatically makes me smile.

"I miss you," I sigh. "Your company."

"I miss you, too," he gazes at me. It's different now; there's no longing, but there is an honesty to it. "I'm glad you came by, as surprising as it is to see you."

"When's Jonny coming home?" I make a face.

"Not until 6."

"He treating you good?" I peer up at him.

He smiles his lopsided smile and again it makes me smile automatically in response. I love his snaggletooth.

"Yes," his eyes crinkle. I hate how adorable he is with my brother but I cannot deny their chemistry. It still weirds me out sometimes, though.

"But I doubt that's what you came here to talk about," he presses.

It isn't.

I sigh. Here I am at my ex's apartment that he shares with my brother because when I was driving around uselessly trying to sort out my brain this is where I came. I didn't realize what I was doing until I got here and the relief I felt seeing his face makes me think my subconscious is actually on my side for once.

That's easier to admit than possibly wanting to see my brother.

"Do you need a hug?" Asa asks, breaking me out of my thoughts.

I look up at him, surprised, and then my eyes water. He eases up from his chair, crosses the room in significantly fewer strides than it would have taken me, plops on the couch next to me and sweeps me into a crushing squish.

And me? Well, I just fucking start to cry. But it's Asa. Eventually I let him go and drop my head into his lap. He rubs my temples, and it lessens the pain I didn't realize I was in.

I spill everything. Janessa, Rakeem, my history with Rakeem, my baggage with sex, my baggage with relationships, just absolutely everything. I lay myself completely bare.

"You know what I'm gonna say, right?" he says after a minute.

I lock up which makes Asa laugh like he was expecting it, his basso chuckles deep and rich. I loosen.

"This was what you wanted from me," I murmur.

The chuckles quiet, and he runs his fingers through my hair.

"Yeah," he says, finally. "I wanted to know your heart. But I didn't have it."

Ouch.

"Do you think we would have worked if I figured it out sooner?" I don't know why I'm asking this. I don't want the answer. I know the answer. I don't care about the answer.

After a moment he says, "We did work."

This surprises me.

I glance up at him, into his gorgeous patient face. He traces my raised eyebrows with a smile and my heart swells with love for him.

I do still love him. It's just...different.

"We worked in the way you and I both needed to work so we could get to the places we needed to be. But if you're asking if we'd still be together, I think you know the answer to that. Otherwise you wouldn't be here opening your heart about Key and Janessa," he hooks a shoulder in a shrug. His gaze travels to one of my brother's hoodies draped on the back of a chair with a little smile.

My eyes water. I want...that. I want Rakeem to look at me like Asa just looked at my pendejo brother's hoodie.

I start to cry at the thought of him with Audra and Asa tugs on my sleeve. I climb up into his lap and he wraps his big safe arms around me.

I sob into his neck like, straight up freaking ugly cry and he rests his chin on my shoulder and just holds me. Just holds me, just holds me, just holds me. Perfect Asa. Always giving me everything I need, for almost nothing in return. I'm mired in guilt for even taking his comfort from him now.

"I think I got snot on your shirt," I eventually mumble, muffled in his shoulder.

"Thank you," he chirps. "This outfit was missing a little something."

My laugh is wet and ugly. "Well, now it's got a lot of something," I lift my wretched horrible red gross face with a horrible soggy smile.

"Just how I like it," he grins and offers me the tissue box from the side table. I take one and offer it back and he laughs.

"What no TP roll?" I joke.

"I may have been raised in a barn," the farmer's son says pointedly, cracking me up. "But I want a better life for me and my kids. And that includes real tissues."

I grin, "Kids, huh?"

Asa flushes dark, and shrugs a shoulder and sputters awkwardly, "No, I mean, not now if that's—I didn't mean—it was-"

I grin wide and watch him spin, I've never seen him this flustered. "You know Rob has two dads right?"

"Really?" I've managed to surprise him out of his cycle of awkwardness, despite loving every minute of it.

"Ask him," I grin. "Where there's a will there's a way."

I sound like my mom. He laughs and rubs at his eyes shaking his head.

"I think I'd like to make it to at least the end of the year before committing to anything serious," he jokes.

"You live together," I point out.

"Leases end, kids are forever," he responds.

"You're so old, that sounds like a hallmark card," I crack.

"You like it? I'll shop it around," he grins.

I climb out of his arms and onto my feet, feeling significantly better.

"Thanks." I remember the crockpot and check the time. "I should get going."

Asa, always the gentleman, walks me to the door.

"Why are you so perfect?" it's out of my mouth before I can stop it and he winces.

I place a hand on his chest, "I'm sorry. I meant wonderful."

With an expression of relief, he scoops me in his arms in a huge hug, lifting me right off the floor. I wrap my legs around his waist and we squeeze.

It's...nice.

"You forgive me?" he whispers, and I hear the hope in his voice and my heart twists.

"Yeah. You forgive me?" I pull back and look at him. He rests his forehead against mine.

"...yeah," he smiles.

I drop down and he lets me go. He tucks hair behind my ear. I push up on my tiptoes and kiss his cheek.

An understanding has passed between us.

"Veronica," he says simply. "I never got to ask my question."

I wrinkle my nose. Dang. I almost got away clean.

I study him in his door frame, leaning, one arm propped above his head. He slips his other hand in his jeans pocket.

He's so handsome.

"How do you feel when you're with Janessa?"

I snort.

"I told you, I'm confused and unsure and I never know what's going to happen next. I love her but—"

"How do you feel when you're with Key?" he interrupts.

Immediately, all the blood rushes to my face and my heart jumps in my throat. I squeeze my eyes closed.

"I miss him so fucking much," my voice cracks.

I open my eyes and Asa is gazing into my face with so much affection my breath catches. "Talk to him, dove."

"But what if he doesn't love me?" I whisper.

He chuckles. "Then I'm going to call my dad and ask about the pigs and how high they're flying these days. Veronica, the only person who doesn't love you is you."

"HEY," I shout. "TOO DEEP, quit introspecting me."

"My bad," he grins. Jonny's rubbing off on him. "I will cease introspecting you, immediately."

"Thank you," I say, turning back toward my car. As I'm about to leave, I roll down the window.

"Hey!"

"Hey, yourself," he responds, still languidly leaning against his door.

I didn't think people actually said that. I smile.

"What the fuck does a smart dude like you see in my brother?"

His face splits into a broad grin. "I'll tell you later."

"EW," I holler and he roars with laughter. "I love you, bear!"

"I love you, dove," he responds, his smile in his voice.

He doesn't go inside until I pull out of his driveway. Because Asa really is perfect.

Just not perfect for me.

I smile to myself and turn up the music, feeling so much lighter.

***

Janessa: come out clubbing with me

Me: no

Janessa: no weird sex stuff

Janessa: unless u want it

Janessa: bad joke

Me: lol no

Janessa: please please don't be mad im sorry for not talking 2 u

Janessa: ur right I fucked up im out of line pls I just want my best friend

Me: no

***

Me: hey

Me: can we talk

Me: if ur not busy

Rakeem: Are you okay?

Me: I just need to see u

Rakeem: Do you need help with something?

Rakeem: Veronica?

Me: nm

***

Rakeem: It's been a week since I've heard from you, are you okay?

***

Janessa: how long r u going to ice me out 4?

Janessa: its been weeks???

***

Rakeem: <3

***

Janessa: pendeja

***

I look at my phone, considering taking a break from stalking Audra's Instagram stories and Snapchat. I don't know why I still do it, there's never anything on there other than nature photography, political activism, yoga, and vegan recipes. But Key's Facebook is nothing but an old photo of him when he was a kid, a Black Lives Matter cover photo and annual birthday posts. I have nothing to work with. So Audra it is.

Then I see it, just as I'm about to end my pathetic daily ritual: a selfie of Audra and Malia cheek to cheek with a heart emoji and a caption that says "sisters".

I chew on my lip.

I close my eyes. It's not like she and Rakeem are making out. It doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Why would she be hanging out with his little sister? It's been up for an hour and has 279 comments because Audra, with her fucking gorgeousness and her reddish afro and light eyes, is a micro-influencer with something like 10,000 followers. Just cuz she's hot.

Ugh, no.

Jesus Christ. That's my friend, what's wrong with me? I can't hate her. Even if she is a vegan. Is she at Rakeem's house?

I gotta stop. I toss my phone on the coffee table and close my eyes.

My brother dissolves into giggles.

Oh yeah. He's here.

He's sitting on the far end of the couch because it's Sunday. And on Sundays, like Mass, according to Jonathan, he comes to pay his respects at my feet.

It's also my birthday. I don't really feel like celebrating. I especially don't feel like celebrating with my asswipe brother.

Right now he's watching TikToks and passing me his phone to show me what he was just laughing at. I ignore him.

He's undeterred.

I have to hand it to him, he comes literally every Sunday, rain or shine. Even when I'm not here. He stays just in case I come home.

My mom loves it. My mom has been on my case about forgiving him. I haven't told either of them about visiting Asa, but I guess Asa told him because he's been more intense and energetic during his visits.

"Oh my God," he snorts and cackles and scooches in, handing me his phone.

I blink, forgetting myself and look. It's a guy pretending to be his Latina mom, and it's pretty spot on. We watch it a few times, giggling between us.

It's not so bad. Maybe if the Asa thing was isolated, maybe if he didn't sabotage literally every relationship in one stupid way or another, maybe if he didn't get all up in my shit, and make his stupid jokes all the time. Maybe if he wasn't so cavalier about real life. Maybe it'd be easier to forgive him.

But every part of me hurts. Every single part. And to come back to Jonny, the catalyst of every dumb thing that happens to me in my life feels like a failure.

I wipe at my face and he looks at me.

For once, he stays quiet, bumps his arm up to mine and keeps scrolling.

We watch TikToks for the rest of the night.

***

Summer is my favorite season despite a mid spring birthday. With the exception of Jonny running around screaming Gemini season, that I could do without.

"Why are you not going? Also please explain to me why I am the one chasing you down," says Mia. "Am I in the upside down?"

I guess they're pulling out the big guns, getting the hermit to call and all.

"Really? This is what you're calling about?," I switch ears and finish signing off the deposit form at work. "Who sent you?"

"You're like a telenovela," she drawls.

I stamp and seal the security bag with a little more force than necessary and slide it into the safe. "I'm at work."

"For ten more minutes."

"Ten paid minutes," I snap.

"Chill, my God, even with the amount of weed you smoke, you are still the most strung out person I know," she huffs.

"Just out here lying for fun," I scoff. "Have you seen you?"

The line is so silent I look at my phone to see if the call dropped. It didn't.

"I can hear you breathe, Mia," I sigh and roll my eyes.

I start straightening out the paperwork leftover from the day, double checking I didn't miss anything important.

"Yeah, I'm counting back from ten like my therapist said to do, asshole. Now cut the shit and come to the party. Is it me? Do you hate me? Are you avoiding me?"

"Yup."

I check to make sure all the withdrawal and deposit slips are fully stocked and clear off my desk.

"God forbid I want to see you, even if you are all soggy and depressed."

"I am not soggy and depressed," I exclaim.

The bottom desk drawer is where I keep my water bottle and purse, so my final act of sliding tomorrow's folders into files is immediately followed by me grabbing my shit.

"Whatever. Come."

"No."

I turn the car on and check my sights, then back out of the spot and begin my commute home.

"Dude, seriously? It's your own birthday party."

"I said no. And I'm tired of people not listening to me when I say it. I'm not talking to Jonny, Asa's my ex, and Rakeem..." I trail off. "Anyway, I'm not going. So stop."

"So what are we doing instead?" She asks after a minute.

"Mia, what the fuck do you want from me?" A sack of shit cuts me off at the merge and I flip him the bird.

"I feel like I've been pretty clear in that."

I sigh. "Fine. The beach. I'm going to go to the beach."

"We are going to the beach," she grumbles in her husky voice.

I roll my eyes. "Fine."

"I'm about to take this personally. "

I chew on my lip. "I'm sorry," I say finally. "You're just loving me I know and I'm not making it easy."

"Thank you and, correct, you're making it a chore. I feel the need to point out that I am on the phone with you. Device to ear and mouth parts going blah."

True. Text Mia and she will get back to you in approximately 7-10 business days. If at all.

"True," I say. "Okay. I love you. I miss you. Let's go to the beach."