All Comments on 'Vampires Don't Sparkle'

How soon before we see a part 2?

Better than most of your previous works. I would suggest getting an editor to help clean it up but I would say it has potential.

Things. First, great job on getting the story going. So many vampire stories I've read where it takes them a full page to get into the story. Second, while it was a good story flow, it seemed a bit rushed once or twice. Nothing wrong with that, but it just took a bit away from the mood.

Great job over all and I'm looking forward to the sequel.

Seemed u rushed to get into the story quick some people like that but I kinda like a slower build but still a great start for a vamp story

Lately I've read through practically all of your stuff, since most of them are just good funny sexy romps, but this story, while still keeping the funny elements I enjoy is just a little more involved.

Your writing is maturing and getting better and I'm glad to be along for the ride.

Since you have great imagination already, how about thinking about writing some more longform stories and planning out story arcs a little better before hand.

You can only improve. Keep it up!

Unfortunately I don't understand what the 'sparkle' means and you never explained it, so I lost its significance.

Your story is good, storytelling is okay. Please get a proof reader to iron out the rough spots.

To any/all readers: The idea that vampires sparkle in sunlight was a plot device specifically created to increase sales in the Twilight Saga books and movies, whose "target audience" was socially awkward-teen girls. It painted vampires in a more "romance-friendly" light that made the relationship between the main character (an overly-awkward teen girl) and a vampire less "creepy", inappropriate, and/or disturbing.

I found the setup very promising, though a little rushed. Unfortunately, the prose was just too unpolished for me to get into it and I stopped reading about a third of the way down the first page. I'm speaking purely of grammar, especially punctuation.

Your story construction and characterization seem pretty good, so my advice is to find yourself a good editor, polish this rough gem, and resubmit it. :)

My biggest grip is the pacing. In less then 2000 words you introduced both characters, and had Emily spill her true nature to Ben, with what seems without an ounce of forethought. Not only that but Ben seems to just readily accept what she says, without any skepticism whatsoever. I can admit I'm a bit of a literature nazi, but this is way to fast of an introduction of characters to jumping straight into a relationship. I have tried to read this chapter all the way through, but it's simply to rushed for me to enjoy. I feel like you have a really good story concept so far, but I feel that the introduction, interaction, and pace of the intro could use a bit of a rehash.

I'm not saying you have to redo everything, just try to lengthen the chapter a bit, do a bit more character exposition, let them talk a bit longer, set a mood for their interaction. Just doing those things could grow this intro considerably.

really nice opener, am very much looking forward to the next instalment!

If you do a rewrite, I found it strange that she knew her way to his kitchen and bedroom the first time she went to his place.

Still, a good start. I'm glad there are some more chapters already there for me to read.

You do know exclamation point is for excited or high energy dialogue. You used it every other sentence. He shouldn’t be excited about asking her to leave his face for his mom when he thought she would kill him. Nice story other wise. Little quick to the point. Little more time between the vamp bar and showing what she is would have been good. It’s your story though.