Vibrations

For the first time in my life, I started to feel bad about that. I thought back to all of the times Deb had needed to step between us and make peace. I realized how annoying that must be constantly. Feeling ashamed of myself, I shook my head at her, trying to make her stop worrying. "We won't."

Deb looked at dad, "Walter?" Her tone brooked none of his crap.

His eyes snapped from me, to her, back to me. "I'll be good."

Dad and I stepped out into the hall together. He crossed his arms over his chest. "Say your peace."

I took a deep breath, forcing my anger down. I refreshed my promise to myself to not fight with him, for Deb's sake. She had enough on her plate, she didn't need to be wasting energy worrying about dad and I, just because we couldn't be mature for long enough to get along... I had no control over how he reacted or the choices he made, but I could control my own actions and right now, I promised myself that I would say what needed to be said, right up until it started to turn into an argument, and then I would back off...

I made myself look at the floor, trying to defer off some sense of aggression. Taking a deep breath, I dove into the conversation. It was kind of like steeling myself to dive into icy water, "Look. I know you're pissed at me for whatever reason. I get that. We need to push past that shit right now."

His jaw clenched.

I started to unload on him, to accuse him, to blame. At the last second, I decided that the best thing I could do was shift gears...

"Why didn't you bring Adrianna with you to the hospital?" I wanted to scream at him, but a realized that asking a question conferred to him I wasn't trying to place blame, I was seeking understanding... that I wanted to understand his choices and motivations. By seeking understanding, one wasn't placing blame, they were communicating that they may not agree with a decision, but they also were not seeking to tear someone else down.

His reply was curt, "I don't answer to you when it comes to Adrianna, or Deb."

I held my hands up, trying to hedge off his anger, "I get that. I'm not accusing. I'll admit, I jumped to a conclusion on it, and that's not fair to you. I'm genuinely asking, giving you the benefit of the doubt. You must have seen something about the situation I don't understand. I want to understand, so I'm asking."

He was taken off guard, I could tell. Normally, I would have laid into him, I would have yelled at him for leaving Audrey behind. I would have called him stupid, and selfish. This time, I was seeking understanding.

He turned away from me, and I could tell, he hadn't really thought about it himself. He finally put his hands on his hips, and when he turned back there were the beginnings of tears in his eyes.

He shook his head, and I could tell it killed him to admit it, "I kind of panicked." He stopped and took a deep breath, "All I could think of was helping your mom. I just remember thinking I didn't want to be tripping over Audrey too, or dealing with her panicking while I was trying to help your mom."

I looked at him, trying to will myself to be understanding. I knew he loved Deb, that she was his whole world. She was the rock he had built the foundation of his life on. He loved Audrey and I, even if he had a tough time showing it, but Deb gave him the stability he needed to interact with the world, hell, to even interact with his own kids.

The truth was, the situation seemed terribly selfish of him to have done, but the truth of the matter was, dad was human and he had just panicked.

"Do you understand how disastrous that could have been?" I asked.

He looked at the floor. I could tell he was having a hard time wrapping his brain around it. He was never the most empathetic man. He was a good man, a man that genuinely tried to do the right thing in everything he did, yes, but an empathetic man? No.

He shook his head, "Maybe."

I shook my head at him, "Don't you get it? I know you love Deb. I know she's your whole world, but she's Adrianna's mom. You shouldn't have sent Re away. If something had happened," I held my hands out, "Fucking god forbid she had died, Re would have never forgiven you." I searched his face, hoping against hope that I was getting through to him. "Right now, we need to pull together and be a family. We have to take care of each other, and driving wedges between each other is the last thing we need."

He closed his eyes and took a breath, shaking his head, "You're right."

I was floored.

He continued. "I panicked. All I could think about was that I didn't want Adrianna to have to watch her mom die. How I didn't want to have to watch her mom die..."

I put my hand on his shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze, "Look, don't be so hard on yourself. I just want you to think about what you're doing. That is going to be super important in the coming days and weeks. We all need to be on the same page, okay?"

He looked at me, nodding.

"One other thing." I added, hoping I was still building on a good foundation.

He looked at me, his face seemed open.

I shook my head and spread my hands, "I know you're pissed at me. I'm not asking you to stop being mad at me, but for right now, we've got to put a pin in that. Deb needs to focus on resting, and getting better, and if she's constantly on guard that you and I are going to go for each other's throats she can't do that." I held my hand out to him, "Truce? For now? Until Deb can get better, then you can go back to hating me."

I could tell, being so blunt with him about our relationship, about how far out of control it had gotten, was like a punch to the gut. He nodded, and took my hand, shaking it firmly. "Truce."

I started to turn back to the room, and he reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me up short. "You did good getting here..."

I turned back to him. It was the first kind thing he had said to me in years... pretty much since I had left for college.

Sighing, "Thanks."

He looked at the floor, breaking my gaze, "How bad is taking off really going to screw you up?" His eyes snapped up to me, "Be honest. Deb would never forgive herself if you messed up your future to be here."

I started to argue and he cut me off, "Don't down sell it. Be honest."

I shrugged, putting my hands in my pockets, "I'll find a way to make it work. I need to get that paper figured out. The job is probably gone," I shrugged, "but to be honest, the job is a shit job, and I'm starting to realize that all I was really doing there was making someone else rich. Besides," I added, "done is done. I think I made the right choice."

He put his hand on my shoulder, "I'm proud of you."

Wow... he was really going for broke tonight.

"Thanks."

We were interrupted by the nurse. "Guys, visiting hours are over. Need you to go home, let her get some rest."

My dad folded his arms across his chest and gave her a firm look.

I stepped in, "Ma'am. I appreciate what you're saying. My sister and I will go home, but I don't think you're going to be able to pry my dad out of here tonight... at least not without causing a huge scene..."

She looked from dad, to me, then back to dad. Finally, she nodded, "Okay. But she needs rest." Her look got firmer, "One problem, and you're out of here, got it?"

I held my hands up, "We're gone." I looked at dad, "Cool if I stay at the house tonight?"

He nodded, "Can you keep an eye on Re?"

"No problem."

I collected my sister and we headed back to my truck.

Getting in, I looked at her. She looked so small and fragile, but I could tell seeing her mom had helped her, like it had put a little air back into her sails.

She was starting to get her arms wrapped around this thing. Stuck at the house with Casey, all she could do was sit and fret, worry and make up problems. Now that she had seen her mom, sick, but okay, the situation must have felt so much more manageable.

"Feeling better now?" I asked her.

She gave me a shy smile and nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, Jakey."

I grabbed her and pulled her in for a hug.

We rode in silence for a while, the only sound the rumble of the engine. Finally, Re broke the silence.

"Jakey, can I ask you something?" her voice was quiet, almost shy.

I gave her a quick glance and a smile, "Of course kiddo."

She bit her lip and I could tell she was trying to figure out how to put whatever it was she had on her mind. "Were you and Casey ever a thing? Like... like a couple?"

I looked at her, surprised by what she had asked. I had expected her to ask about her mom, worry about what was going to happen, pretty much anything but that.

I shook my head, "No. We've always been good friends, but never anything more than that."

I felt a wave of sadness settle over me at having admitted it...

She nodded, "Why not?"

I took a deep breath and finally allowed a shrug, "Just never happened. Why do you ask?"

She nibbled on her nail again. "I just always got the impression the two of you were in love."

I snuck a quick glance at her, "What gave you that impression?"

She looked at me, "Just a feeling."

Her eyes found the road ahead of us, and she paused for a few seconds before continuing, "I mean, when I was young, before I really understood boys and girls, it made sense that you just were friends. It made sense that you hung out and that was that. As I got older I started to realize how weird you guys' relationship was. Boys and girls just aren't friends like that. When I was a little younger I just kind of assumed that the two of you had just figured out the secret, like you had found the cheat code that let two teenage kids be friends without it having to be a sex thing. Now though, I watch the two of you and you're just drawn together. Like gravity."

She sat quietly for a few seconds, trying to draw her thoughts together so that it made sense. I sat patiently, letting her figure out what she wanted to say, and how she wanted to say it.

Finally, she broke the silence, "In science class, we watched this movie on how solar systems are formed. It had a bunch of computer animation that showed how everything comes together. One of them was on binary solar systems. How two suns would form, or how two solar systems would merge. Each sun would just kind of stop, and they would both dance around each other. Everything else in the solar system would orbit around the two suns, but those two, they would just sort of dance around each other, each pulled by the others' gravity. They didn't orbit one another, but they kind of danced around a central point."

She looked back to me, a softness coming over her face, her voice dropping to almost a reverent tone, "That's what I think of when I see the two of you together. Like tonight, when you pulled her in. Both of you just sort of gave in to the gravity. I thought you were going to kiss her..."

My left eye started itching and I stopped to scratch it. "It's not love kiddo. We're just really good friends. We've been really good friends for a really long time, and yeah, it's a little weird because of the boy/girl thing, but we make it work."

"So, you guys never tried to make it into something else? Something more? Something... better?" she asked.

I laughed, a short, dismissive bark, "Define better."

She looked me up and down and I could see a sadness there that mirrored some of my own. "I think what you have with Casey is rare. The friendship is nice, but I think you two could be so much more if you just worked at it."

I shook my head, sighing, "Kiddo. I know it's hard to wrap your head around. Hell, it's hard for me to wrap my head around, but sometimes it's best to settle for something that makes you happy and not risk everything betting on something that might make you happier. Casey and I have each other. If we pushed it beyond that, yeah, maybe we end up as a couple, but... maybe we stop being friends. Maybe we end up hurting each other in a way that can never heal. I think both of us just realized that if one of us, or the other started pushing it, we could unravel the whole thing."

She looked back out at the road, biting her nail again. She was obviously hesitating to ask me something...

After what seemed like forever, she finally found the courage, "Do you love her?"

I felt a surge of emotion in my chest, like a tidal wave hitting some hidden wall I had set up.

The answer to that question was a truth I didn't want to admit to. Not to her, hell, maybe not even to myself...

It was my turn to be quiet for a good long time. She waited for me, patiently...

"Yeah, as a friend I do. I mean it's tougher to settle out. My friendship is different with Casey than it is with my guy friends. The love I have is different for each of them."

She turned back to me and narrowed her eyes. I could instantly tell my answer was not satisfactory for her. "Do you think she's hot?"

I smiled, well, more of a smirk, and told her, "I try not to think about that. She's my friend, and that's not something I want to put on her."

A big shit eating grin spread over her face. "What a shitty answer! Okay, so, if she wasn't your friend, and you were just hanging out in a bar and she walked over to you and started flirting with you, would you think she's hot then?"

I smiled at her, knowing she had me, "Yes." My brain went to a very adult oriented corner as I pictured her, thought of her soft curves and angles, her hair, her face, her beautiful smile. Her full body...

I forced my mind away from such thoughts...

She nodded, knowing she was backing me into a corner.

"And would you flirt back with her?"

I rolled my eyes, "Yes."

She spread her hands, "So, you have a girl you think is beautiful, and who you are amazing friends with, and you don't think that maybe it might be worth it to take a shot? To at least talk to her about it?" She sat for a second, gathering wool, like a thought had just occurred to her for the first time and even she was surprised by it, "Wait, have you two ever even talked about it?"

I looked at her quickly, my eyes darting between her and the road, "No."

She sighed at me, shaking her head, "You are so stupid."

I laughed, "Look, you're too young to get it. Sometimes having a good friendship is better than all the other relationship stuff. I don't need all that other stuff, and neither does Casey."

Something about what I said riled her the hell up. I could see her face drop a lot of the playful banter and something like anger hardened her features.

She dropped all her playfulness and her eyes bored into me. "You've been gone too long. You need to remember, you only see your side of things now." She shook her head at me, "Don't speak for Casey, and don't think you know everything she's thinking. You should probably at least consider that she sees you differently now..."

I shook my head, gaining some understanding. Re just didn't understand Casey and I well enough. She was after all, just a kid.

She pressed her advantage though, "Let me throw you a hypothetical. Tonight, we get home, and as soon as we do Casey comes running over. She pulls you aside and she tells you that she's been stupid for years. That she loves you, and not as a friend. She tells you that she wants to be in a relationship with you. She tells you that what she feels for you is so much more than what she should feel for a friend. What do you say?"

The floodgates in my mind splashed open and the feeling of what she was saying flowed over me. I could feel myself pulling Casey into my arms. I could feel the heart beating in my chest as the implications of what Re was saying overwhelmed me...

I nibbled at my lip and sighed, really afraid of the implications of what that train of thought meant...

Finally, I fessed up to it, "I'd probably say let's give it a go."

She smiled at me smugly, "So. What you're really saying with all this bullshit about 'we're just friends and that makes us both happy!' shit, is that you're too scared to ask for something more than what you have, right?"

I gave her a dark look. "No. Not necessarily."

I felt my mind hit a speed bump. I knew what she was saying. Worse still, I knew she was right.

"So, what if she's scared too? What if, the only thing that is keeping you and her from being together is that both of you are just too chickenshit to admit it to the other?"

I chewed on that for a second, letting my mind go down all the potential alleys and pitfalls what she was suggesting might hold. Sad as it was to say, she had a damn good point...

Finally, I nodded my head, I allowed her the point. "Maybe you're right about the scared thing." I held a hand up to forestall her pushing her point even farther, "But you're wrong about one thing. That would not be the only thing keeping us apart."

She looked at me and I could see a dark cloud of anger spread over her face, "What? Roo? You're saying you're too good for her because she has a kid?"

That hit me totally by surprise...

"What? No! I don't care about Roo. I was talking about the fact that I have school. I mean, right now, I can afford to bail, I'm off for the summer, so I have a few months here that are pretty much free, but come fall time, I'm going to have to go back. Let's say Casey and I fall madly in love. We run off and start a happy home together. What happens next September? We just wave at each other as I go back to school?" I shook my head at her, "Trust me, I've seen plenty of people try to pull off the long-distance thing. Most people can do if for a couple months, but a whole year? And then, what about law school? I just go off to that and leave her here? Where does it end?"

Re looked at me like I was crazy, "What, are you fucking stupid? Take her with you when you go back!"

I spread my hands, "Just make her give up her whole life here? Make her walk away from everything she knows?"

Now she looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language... "Give up what, stupid? Her glamorous life as a single mother? Her pretty much non-existent social life? The ever so important job of scanning groceries? Versus the alternative? She can go off and live with someone she loves while they become a fucking lawyer? Wow, how is she going to get over the heartache caused by that? You know how fucking alone she is, stupid? Every night." She emphasized each word, "She goes home to a three-year-old. I'm sure that's stimulating conversation. Let's say she goes out on a date. You know how many guys are just going to run straight for the hills as soon as she mentions that she has a kid at home? Not that it fucking matters if they did, because you know how many dates I've seen her go on since Roo came along? None!" She shook her head at me disgustedly, and crossed her arms, "Get over yourself."

I was surprised at how angry she was. How quickly I had gotten under her skin...

What she was saying made sense... but it was still a lot to take in.

I shook my head, suddenly overwhelmed and feeling like I had maybe been too stupid to figure things out.

My respect for Re grew greatly in that moment. She may only be fourteen, but in some ways, she was a hell of a lot smarter than I was. She had a lot more figured out... or at the least she was a hell of a lot more observant than I had been in the past three years...

She shook her head at me, her anger suddenly gone. "I just see the two of you. Both of you seem so sad all of the time." Her eyes found mine as I glanced at her again, "Unless you're with each other. Then, both of you seem like the world can't touch you." She looked me up and down. "I'm not saying you should take the plunge, I'm just saying, think about it. Make a conscious decision about what you're doing. Don't just let inertia make the decision for you. Maybe talk with each other and make sure you're both on the same page with being happy just being friends..."