Vibrations

I shook my head and sighed, confused beyond belief. "I will. I mean, I'll think about it."

She nodded at me, going silent.

We sat in silence for a minute or so when she looked at me again. "So... have the two of you ever..." She made a clenching motion with her hands and moved them back and forth, "you know...?" She made some grunting sounds to punctuate her point.

I sat there in stunned silence...

She wasn't asking what I thought she was asking...

She just sat and kind of looked at me.

I couldn't even speak...

Finally, I realized that she wasn't going to actually say anything else. The thought caused me to snap back to life. "What? No way! Are you fucking kidding me? Are you asking me what I think you're asking me?"

She rolled her eyes at me, "Come on, we're both adults here..."

I held my finger out to her, "No. No we are not, 'both adults', here. I'm an adult. You're a child."

She raised her eyebrows, "So you two haven't had sex?"

My eyes went wide, "That's totally private!"

She smiled, "So that's a yes?"

I shook my head vehemently. "Why would you ask me that?!"

She looked forward and shrugged, her voice going quiet, "I just thought, you know, maybe Roo was yours."

I felt like I had been dropped in a deep, cold pool...

Roo? Mine?

A strange feeling smashed to the forefront of what I was feeling. A warm feeling, like coming home...

Then it withered and died on the vine. Replaced by something cool and reptilian. An unpleasant emptiness as I realized that no matter how much I wanted something, it wasn't true.

I shook my head, "Roo's not mine."

She looked me up and down again. "You're sure?"

I sighed deeply. I really didn't want to talk about this with her... it was too private, too... painful.

"I'm sure."

She held her hands out, "You're sure because you used protection?"

"Protection?!" I sputtered. She started to answer and I stopped her, "Stop. No. Stop. I can't think about that!"

She giggled at me as I tried to collect my thoughts.

Finally, it struck me as funny. I laughed under my breath as I shook my head at her. "No. Not because I used protection."

Again, that sadness filled me.

She held her hands out, "So you didn't use protection, so it's possible that Roo might be yours?"

I held my hands out on the wheel, spreading my fingers, begging her mentally to just stop...

"No. Because as much as I'd like Roo to be mine." I stopped, my brain starting to wrap itself around that beauty of a thought...

I realized suddenly that there was a part of me, hell, a large part of me, a part of me that I had never before allowed myself to admit existed...

Was upset because Roo was not mine...

"No... Roo can't be mine... because Casey and I have never..."

Her eyebrows shot up, "Had sex?"

I spread my hands against the steering wheel. "Yes. We've never had sex."

She looked at me like some strange bug splattered on the windshield. "Ever?"

I looked at her in shock. "No. Never."

She shrugged, "Have you two ever... done other things? Like maybe you two were playing and maybe some fluid got somewhere it shouldn't have?"

"Playing?! Fluid?! What the hell!" I gasped.

She giggled at me again, "What? I'm not innocent. I'm fourteen. I have access to a computer and the internet with no parental filter..."

A mental picture snapped into my mind I desperately wished I could wash clean... I was going to need to pour bleach into my ears when I got home. Some very strong bleach...

"Gross... that mental picture is going to stick with me..." I muttered.

She gave me an offended look. "It's not that big a deal. If I was your little brother and not your little sister you wouldn't say shit about it."

I laughed, shaking my head as I realized she was right. I shrugged, "I guess you're right. In fact, if you were my little brother I'd probably have some website recommendations for you."

She hit me in the arm as we both laughed our asses off.

Once the fit passed she pressed on, "So, is that possible? Maybe you two just weren't careful?"

I shook my head at her. "No. Not possible. We have not treated each other as playground equipment."

She frowned. "So... you've never seen her naked?"

I threw my head back...

Taking a deep breath, I told her, "I didn't say that. I just said, we've never had sex. We've never..."

She looked at me like I was holding back, "But you've seen her naked? So, it's possible that maybe Roo is yours?"

I raised an eyebrow at her, "Maybe you're understanding of baby making mechanics is off, but knowing what she looks like naked doesn't mean it's possible I got her pregnant."

She laughed, "I understand the mechanics of it asshole! You're not giving me much detail to work off of!"

I laughed back at her, shaking my head. It was apparent she was going to work this like a dog with a bone...

I licked my lips nervously, and took a deep breath to get ready for this...

Finally, I looked at her soberly, "You remember, we're under pinky promise right now?"

She nodded, "Yeah."

I pointed a finger at her. "I'm serious. You tell no one what I'm about to tell you. Not mom, not dad, and certainly not Casey. I shouldn't even tell you this, but I know you're going to go crazy if I don't."

She crossed her heart, "Promise."

I took a beat to think. "One other thing. We were young. Really young. You don't hold this against Casey. Got it?"

She held up two fingers, "Promise."

I gripped the steering wheel tightly, trying to center myself. "I've seen Casey naked. But I know Roo is not mine. We might have played doctor when I was like thirteen or fourteen. It wasn't sexual per se, it was just us both being curious, comparing bits and pieces. There was no touching, or at least not much touching... and no... fluids."

She giggled. "You're such a prude!"

It was my turn to look at her like she was crazy. "So, unless Casey has the gestational period that is somewhat more impressive than my knowledge suggests, I think I'm in the clear."

I went quiet...

The sadness quietly seeping in. It was surprising that the thought of not being Roo's father was so disappointing.

"By the time Casey got pregnant... it had been a long time since we had had any opportunity for Roo to be ours. We just had a few times when we got curious, just kid stuff. Figuring things out. When Casey got pregnant I already had a good idea of the mysteries of the female body."

She nodded, thinking...

"Why are you harping on this so seriously?" I asked her.

She looked at me, concern showing on her face. "I guess I just thought Roo reminded me of you. I mean, not in looks. In looks she looks just like her mom. It was just something in her eyes, in the way she acts." She shook her head, "Must just be something Casey passed on to her, like the stupid kangaroo thing."

I looked at her and smiled. "Or I'm lying..."

Her jaw dropped, "No! We were under pinky promise! You're not allowed to lie!"

I laughed at her and shook my head, "I'm not lying." I sighed... "In fact, surprising as it is for me to admit, a part of me wishes Roo was mine. Even if it was an accident." I smiled at Re, "I think Casey and I would make one amazing kid together."

She shook her head at me sadly. Pointing her finger at me, "See. It's shit like that, that I'm talking about."

I didn't want to get back on that track...

"Okay..." A thought occurred to me then, sudden offense splashing over me, "Wait a minute! You seriously thought that I'd get Casey pregnant and then take off on her?"

She paused, her eyes slowly walking back and forth while she thought of a good lie... "No...."

"Pinky promise!"

She threw her head back and spread her hands. "Okay. Maybe I thought that. If you had asked me last year, I would have said yes. Now, I mean just now, when I started to talk to you about it," she rolled her hands around each other, "I just thought maybe you two had been fooling around and you just weren't careful enough... maybe there was another guy in the situation... maybe things got complicated..."

A dark cloud passed over my mind, "Re. Casey is not that kind of person. She's not the kind to 'play around' and she's certainly not the kind of person to be fooling around on someone."

She held her hands up, "Okay, okay. No need to get testy about it. I just wanted to ask."

I shook my head at her...

We again went silent.

She again broke the silence...

"So how old were you when you..." she again made that squishing motion with her hands, "when you first..."

I froze dead, everything clicking in place. Yes, a good part of this was satisfying her curiosity about me and Casey, but a larger part of it was about satisfying her need to understand sex in general. Casey and my relationship must have represented a mystery to her, how a boy and a girl managed to be friends and address the issue of sex within that relationship. It may not directly relate to her own situation, but it still fueled her desire for knowledge, and to understand a subject that must have been deeply intriguing for her.

I thought back to my own days of being fourteen and trying to figure out all this sex stuff.

How it all seemed to be a big mystery. How nobody seemed to want to talk about it, and everyone seemed so repressed. Nobody that mattered seemed to have the answers, and those that did have the answers made it weird to talk about...

"Have you talked to your mom about this?" I asked cautiously.

She made a face, "Ewww... no!"

Fuck! I thought desperately. I was hoping she'd be more comfortable bringing these questions there...

This was not a talk I wanted to have... she was my little sister after all...

Problem was. If I didn't have it with her, who was going to? I mean, I was sure Mom at least had sat down with her and explained the basics. Dangers, things that needed to be watched out for. Most likely even the emotional pitfalls that needed to be taken into account. I also realized that as deeply embarrassing as that conversation was, Re most likely had tuned out for most of it at worst, and at best had held onto any questions she might have had...

Now she was looking to someone she trusted to get those questions answered...

I just drew the short straw of being the one to have the discussion...

I blew air out. "Okay. Fine. Let's do this. Hit me."

She giggled at me, "How old were you your first time?"

My face darkened, "A hell of a lot older than fourteen... on an unrelated note, how's your boyfriend? Still eating solid food? Because I can help him with that..."

She rolled her eyes at me, giggling like a schoolgirl, "Don't worry about that... we haven't... done anything."

I raised my eyebrows at her, "Sex anything, or anything, anything?"

She gritted her teeth and looked deeply embarrassed, "We've kissed. That's all."

I laughed at her, "Hey, don't give me attitude, you started this."

She laughed and shook her head, "So, are you going to tell me, or are you going to evade my question?"

I narrowed my eyes at her, "Sixteen, almost seventeen."

She nodded and bit her lip. "And if it wasn't with Casey... who?"

I shook my head at her, "I'm not going to be that specific." I could see her close up a bit, so I reached out and took her hand for a sec, hoping to make her understand I wasn't trying to deepen any mysteries. "I'm not rebuking you. I just want you to understand that who you have sex with and under what circumstances is a special thing to be shared between you and them. It isn't a topic of public conversation and it's something that should never be bragged about. Sex can be strictly a physical thing, but if it's done right, it's an act of love, and that makes it a sacred thing. When you break that trust, you've committed a grievous sin. It's something you should never do, and more importantly, something you should never tolerate from someone. Do you understand?"

She nodded and gave me a shy smile. I let go of her hand. This was a weird enough conversation, adding holding her hand to it was not an element I even wanted to consider.

She nodded, considering her questions, "So, not being specific, was it just a hookup, or a girlfriend? Someone special?"

I looked at her. This was going to be unpleasant to explain...

I cleared my throat, "My first time was... not what it should have been. It wasn't for the right reasons. I started dating this girl..."

Goddamn it! I thought, this was seriously going to make her dog the Casey angle...

"When I was sixteen I fell for Casey hard. I mean really hard."

Her eyebrows shot up.

"I fell in love with her, and not just a little. She was all I could think about, day and night. It became like an obsession. I thought about having sex with her, about loving her, about growing old with her. I mean I had always had a bit of a crush on her but one day I woke up, something clicked and I was dragged under." I looked at her, "You asked about whether or not we were ever a couple, that was as close as we ever got. I was a neurotic mess. She became my entire world."

I shook my head, trying to recall how powerful that feeling had been, not just so I could explain it to her, but so that I could feel it again myself. "I came pretty goddamn close to asking her out, hell, to just flat out telling her I loved her."

Her brows knitted, "Why didn't you?"

I shook my head at my own stupidity, "Because I was scared. I got it in my stupid head that I was going to tell her I loved her and she was going to reject me..."

She nodded, "And then you wouldn't be friends anymore..."

I shook my head, "No. I was terrified that she'd reject me and then I'd lose her. She'd push me out of her life and that would be it. No more Casey." I sighed, shaking my head, "I couldn't do that. I made up my mind it was better to just love her and be her friend than risk losing her forever."

She looked at me, a look of pity.

I shrugged, "But that only made it worse. I got more and more obsessed. It was like a knife was buried in my chest and I was trying to move it constantly. Like she was twisting it in me..." I clenched my jaw... that feeling I could remember...

"Finally, I got it in my stupid head that you could only love one person at a time, and since I couldn't love Casey, I needed to find someone else to love. I started hitting on this other girl and we started dating." I shook my head, "One thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together a few times..."

I sighed in disgust, "And I realized that everything I was doing with her was just to try to forget what I felt about Casey. I finally got so disgusted with myself I broke it off."

She had a shell-shocked look on her face, "Well... that sucks..."

I smiled and shook my head at her. "I guess my point is that things can get real complicated real fast when sex is involved."

She nodded, "Yeah..."

"What about Casey? When was her first time?" She asked.

I only considered answering because I could see how tentatively she asked the question. How respectful she was in how she asked it...

I shook my head at her, "I don't know for certain... and again... I don't want you to judge her, but I think whoever Roo's father is," I stopped, feeling sorrow well in my chest, "he was her first. I know she was a hell of a lot smarter than me, and she waited a lot longer."

Re curled in on herself a bit, "Do you think she loved him? That he loved her?"

I looked at her, a deep well of sadness pulling me in... "I don't know if she loved him. She doesn't talk about it. Not even with me. I think she beats herself up about it, that she looks down on herself for it." I paused, my sadness turning to a boiling anger, a desire stronger than almost any I had ever felt to hurt someone, "But I know he didn't love her, because there's no way in hell he could have made Roo with her and walked away if he did."

Her face crumpled up a bit and she nodded sadly.

I snuck a glance at her, "So, I'm guessing since you're asking about all of this stuff, you're trying to make up your mind on when you should give it up?"

She put on a pained smile and nodded, "Kind of."

I shook my head, "Do you want to? Or does he?"

She shook her head, "He wants to," she paused, "of course... but..." she took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "I really do too."

I blew air out through my nose, trying to hold back my judgement on the situation. Yes, she was my little sister. Yes, I knew she was too young. I also knew making her feel like I was judging her was not going to make her stop wanting what her body was telling her to do. Being dismissive of her right now was, in fact, probably the best way to make sure she made a really stupid decision.

I finally realized what to say...

"Do you love Casey?" I asked.

She nodded, if she caught the sudden change in topic she didn't register it, "Like she was my sister."

I raised my eyebrows, "And do you think she's a smart person?"

Her expression turned earnest, "One of the smartest people I know."

I nodded, "And do you respect her?"

She tilted her head and gave me an 'are you kidding me?' look. "More than probably anyone else in the world."

Her hand shot out and hit me in the arm, "Certainly more than I respect your sorry ass."

I laughed, time to set the hook...

"Then before you make this decision, maybe you should ask her what she thinks about these kind of choices..."

There have only been a few times in my life when I really made a difference in someone else's.

I got the impression, right then and there, that I made a difference for Adrianna. I could see all the tumblers line up perfectly for her, could watch as everything fell into place. I could see in her eyes that she looked at Casey's situation and for the first time she put herself in those shoes and walked a mile. She felt the sadness. Felt the isolation. Felt the sacrifices that Casey made on a daily basis to take care of her baby girl.

I could tell, she rejected every part of that, but not in a judgmental way. She didn't look down on Casey. She just decided that she had seen her friend go down a very hard path, and while she respected what Casey had managed, she decided to go a different way...

I also guessed I just cockblocked the shit out of her boyfriend...

Worth it.

She smiled at me, and as we pulled into the driveway she looked at me, "So, about those website recommendations..."

I looked at her in horror for a split second...

Then she burst out laughing...

Chapter 6

We went inside. I learned an important lesson that night. When someone you love is sitting in a hospital somewhere, when you don't know how they are doing, how well they are, hell, whether or not they're going to live or die, the quiet times are the worst times. There's nothing to do, but sit, and wonder, and worry, and make up scenarios that one should definitely not be thinking about...

We sat on the couch in my parent's trailer and tried to watch a movie together.

Neither of us seemed all that tired. Both of us seemed restless as all get out. We had talked each other out, and neither of us seemed all that interested in trying to get to sleep.

Finally, I could take no more.

I stood, "I'm going to go for a walk. Maybe moving around some will help me get my brain to shut the fuck up. Want to come?"

She looked up at me from the pillow she had laid out for herself to watch the movie from. She was chewing on her nail again.

She shook her head at me slightly, "No." She lifted her phone up, "Fuck. It's almost midnight."

She sighed, "I'm supposed to have volleyball camp in the morning. Think I'm going to need to bail on it."

I shook my head at her. "No way."

She looked at me, and I was taken with how much like her mother she looked. "Jakey, my mom is in the hospital. I really don't feel like playing volleyball right now."