All Comments on 'VIP Ch. 02'

I was excited at the beginning of this chapter because I thought you were going to give us what all MC stories need, novelty. I thought you were going to have Yumi outsmart the villein and free her friends. I’m disappointed because when you turn someone into a mindless drone you erase the character. You undo all the character building, destroying the investment your reader made in them. Like making a house of cards just to topple it down. Not satisfying and so common that it’s trite.

Going on from here is kind of pointless unless you find a way to liberate them, however that wouldn’t be believable as you’ve so clearly wiped them clean. Once the shark is jumped there is no going back.

So, it was pretty good, but what did irk me a little bit was that in chapter one they get these tickets just through the mail. There was no explanation why Beatrice had sent those to them, no plausible explanation. Just here are free tickets to some random girls.

Now let me get this straight, for a first attempt it was pretty good and I hope you can take this, what I feel is, constructive criticism and use it in your next stories.