Wait, Am I A Zombie? [BOOK 3]

But I was never his to make better.

Turning my head, I tried to find the ground beneath my feet but it was literally shifting, ever changing, hella non-reliant sand. It seemed the perfect place—middle of nowhere on unsolid ground—to be reminded that this was Bane and he was never going to change. I would. I was too young, too inexperienced not to. But I didn't want to be him, didn't want to find myself in any position, justifying the unjustifiable.

There was no reasoning with Bane because he didn't see any flaw. He'd smelled me, picked me up, and made me better. Whatever feelings developed inside that narrative weren't real or true or trustworthy.

And this right here is what stalled that four letter word starting with l and ending in ove. My mind might have taken a while to catch up, see the flaws, but it hadn't failed me.

Despite everything I could still trust myself.

Taking a few steps further away and ignoring the sloping canopy of his tent as the metal pole completely bent to Bane's will, I considered my options. Limited given I was 1) surrounded by vampires, 2) undead with no clue what the hell I was, and 3) in the middle of nowhere with a lousy sense of direction.

Whew, so awesome to have all these options! If anything was gonna save me from completely collapsing and being sucked up by the sand it was good ol' snark.

"Zenobia," I called, glancing at the former queen who was lounging, legs crossed, thighs on display in her near sheer dress. She was the outlier, the wild card who seemed to say what she wanted, do what she wanted, and give no damns about how others felt about it. "What do you think?"

Her eyes widened a second before Bane went to her and she zipped to me.

"Zenobia!" my husband barked, snapping in Arabic at her.

She tossed her hair, moving slowly toward me across the sand, neutral territory. She spoke to him in a low rush of Arabic that only seemed to inflame him, before one word cut it short.

"Do you agree with him?" I nodded to Bane.

"I believe he means well in his own convoluted way," she finally responded, eyes dancing with something on the wrong side of humor. Zeno was the type to savagely claw someone's heart out one second and give you a soothing back massage the next, blood still dripping from her fingertips. "But when one is faced with everything they've ever wanted, rationality isn't at the forefront of their thoughts."

"I find it hard to believe I'm everything he wants."

"You're all he wants."

"Because of my smell."

"Because of what it represents," she huffed, switching her hips in a movement of impatience. "Your lack of awareness bores me. Get to the point. Now."

Don't step back. Step up, I mentally coached myself as I faced my one time almost murderer. You won.

Sure. If getting knocked around and narrowly missing my head getting ripped off could be called winning. Oh. And now she knew about the MRing so I doubted if I faced off with the former queen again I'd walk away.

"I don't think you're here because Bane told you or you trained me because he said so. I think whatever you tell me will be your words and not his in your mouth."

The smile on her face was warm, bright. The kind of warm and brightness you get from flames just dying to consume you. "You don't trust my brother."

"I trust that he'll do and say anything to keep me even if it's not for my sake and it's not what I want."

Woman threw her head back and laughed, loud and long. When she looked at me again, she practically glowed. "I can see now why Casper is fond of you. However, do not mistake my words for kindness or friendship. They are not," she warned.

"If you leave you die," she said plainly, not a care in the world. "You know our ways, our customs, and would be a liability no matter your marital status.

"If you stay and yield claim to the throne you place yourself in a precarious position. Your status as my brother's wife allows certain protections, but if you are found to be dangerous, accused of a crime against vampire kind, or abducted for whatever reason there is little Bane can do. Especially if it is an opposing region.

"You were decidedly lucky it was Ariel who kidnapped you as she fell under my brother's jurisdiction being one of his people. He was therefore able to met out punishment with the approval of a Merchant. Had if been a vampire from another region, who's to say what would have happened.

"If you decide, however, to continue on this path of a queen know that the questions you ask and those that will be asked of you are only beginning. You will be lauded and you will be abhorred. Forced to do the unimaginable and relinquish any concepts of right and wrong because polarities no longer delineate when you are queen. The world exists in a violent riot of colors that you must force your eyes to see and assess. If you take this path, you will be more secure, you will have what my brother has detailed, but it will come with a cost. As everything does."

With every word she'd spoken emotions flitted across her face, a smorgasbord of highs and lows and everything in between like she'd lived some version of the options she presented. Probably did. They all had—Casper, Bane, Luther, and Samantha. The number of lives they lived, the people they'd been weren't passed. No one grew up and abandoned their past self, it just shifted to something else. Unlike the others, Zeno didn't take the shift in stride, chalk up the development in personality and leave it at that. Girl lived her life. Every horrible, wonderful thing about it and expressed those experiences to the fullest. Did it make her crazy and dangerous? Uh huh. Super. But it also made her free and open and brutally real about the roads open to me.

There was no easy way and no right answer. There was only what I was going to do and what I wasn't going to do. When it came to being queen and when it came to being Bane's wife.

Why am I doing this?

'Cause I'm scared the Collector will have an easier time getting me if I don't do it and being queen might give me more protection.

'Cause I've died and whatever category of creature I fall under probably died too and I'm alone and I want to be part of something.

'Cause living in fancy hotels, buying anything and everything I want, eating the best food, and living a life most people only dream of while being addressed as "Queen Peaches" would be pretty freakin' sweet.

"I'll fight," I said, sure as I could be.

"In this, I agree," Zeno purred with a slow nod of her head.

Lifting my hand, I stared at the wedding band and engagement ring still on my finger. Bane'd been sweet and loving when he put it there, but as always with Bane there were undercurrents. Ones good dick and an ever changing reality glossed over.

I was already his wife. Would always be. But that didn't mean it was a storybook marriage or even had to be. I needed to figure myself out, my feelings and who I wanted to be before I could give myself to anyone like the ring implied. I needed to be more than in lust with Bane, I needed to trust him.

Right now, I didn't.

At all.

Slipping the rings off my finger, I held them out for Zenobia.

She didn't take them. "Do you know what you're doing?"

"Giving back something I shouldn't have taken in the first place. When it's time I'll take them back and never take them off."

Zeno took the rings and reached up to wipe away a tear that I didn't realize had fallen. Tilting my head back and blinking rapidly, I stemmed the flow. Not the time. Not the place. Not gonna happen.

"Ya salam! I believe I could learn to tolerate you," Zeno said softly, wonderingly, as she leaned forward and put her lips to my forehead, whispering words I couldn't hear. When she pulled back her eyes were red, fangs elongated in a twisted smile. "You have my blessing, so do not shame me and die."

Chapter Seven: Shut Up, Bow Down

I was feeling a hard not great. Not despondent or throw myself down the stairs dramatically. More like an unused pad caught in a storm drain: heavy with a bunch of crap I wasn't made to take on.

As I turned away from the tent and Bane's "justifiable" manipulations and Zeno's bizarre blessing, I realized that I was living in straight Crazy Pants Land where all the colors of the rainbow shined so brightly that you begged for LA during Gay Pride instead.

Bane wasn't the hero.

Zeno wasn't the villain.

And I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that warned I wasn't about to be the heroine.

Ugh, my life would make a real shit romance novel.

Stepping under the winner's tent, I looked at the hour glass. Sand gathered completely at the bottom. Third test was up and no Princess.

Then there were two.

Dun. Dun. Duuuuuuuuun.

"You both have my commendation," Laportea murmured, stepping in from the side of the tent and scaring the absolute bejesus outta me.

"Wear a bell, why don'tcha!" I snapped, emotions frayed.

The Australian queen raised a brow and ignored me. "As I was saying, either one of you would make an excellent queen with the traits you've shown thus far."

And what were those traits? Not dying? Being a super fast sorter? Smart enough to figure out an escape room? Fight well enough to take on manga-style ninja assassins? My renditions of queens didn't have any of those qualities and they'd all led their countries well. The Queen Marys and Elizabeths and... Okay, maybe "well" wasn't the right word with all the murder, mayhem, and overzealous religion.

Ladies probably would've done well with some "We're not bat shit insane and totally capable of taking on this huge responsibility" tests. Not just getting handed the throne because of who's vajayjay they popped out of.

"We've come to the end, Ishtar, Peaches, " Laportea said ominously, her tone snapping me out of my thoughts and sending a tremor up my spine. No delicate shiver, but a moving of tectonic plates that let you know shit was going down. "Follow me."

My mind whirled with ideas of what the last test could possibly be as we got closer to the pit-o-doom. Fight to the death. Had to be. Though, they could Indiana Jones it and have us fighting in a pit of snakes.

Like Indi, I was scared of snakes.

And spiders.

Just about most things that weren't domesticated with no poison.

Had to be a fight to the death in a snake and spider pit with flames shooting out of the walls every few seconds.

"You both possess the skills necessary to rule," she began as we descended steep steps carved into the side of the pit down to the belly. Where they'd come from, I had no clue. But they hadn't been there the first time I'd looked at the pit. "Decisiveness, quick decision-making skills, deep analysis, agility, and attention to detail to name a few. While you may have found these tests to be mere games to alleviate our boredom, I assure you both they were not."

Uh-huh. Sure.

"Yet no skills are as important as judgement and reasoning." Her voice was quiet with steeled authority as I hopped off the last step and looked up to see LSM and RSM dragging two hooded figures to the center of the pit and shackling them to large rings, knees on their ground and hands mancled behind their back.

Dafuq?

The Australian queen stopped a few feet in front of the bound pair and turned to face Ishtar and me. "You must have conviction in the decisions you make because you know they are not for yourself but your people. Once you are a queen you become your people: their voice, their champion, their protector. Who you were before does not exist."

My "Don't drink the Kool-aide" meter was at full alien-spaceship with the dial trying to careen over. I was cool with lots of things when it came to putting the queen crown on my head. More responsibility, less vacations, assassination attempts, fighting for the right to rule. GOT prepared me well for the struggles of seeking and keeping a throne. But I'd missed a some episodes and fallen a few seasons behind. Still, giving up my identity and everything I was didn't sound right. Not from a TV, book, or reality standpoint. The struggling figures behind Laportea were only driving home the creepy, this-isn't-right factor.

"As royals we make choices no one should ever have to," Laportea said softly, a glimpse of some sort of humanity shining through. "It's one of the prices for the power we have—the lives we protect. It's not fair and never will be." Her gaze moved down to the kneeling figures and she gave a subtle nod to LSM and RSM to remove the hoods.

No. Freaking. Way.

Ishtar gasped, the sound so painful my head whipped to her. Tears were welling in her eyes and the careful facade of indifference and pure strength were fading fast as a mirage. Replaced was a woman, face pale and streaked with tears, limbs shaking badly.

"Is this for real?"

Laporta's eyes narrowed, lasering on me. "If you are asking if you must show your commitment by killing someone you love, then yes, it's 'for real'."

"Love?"

"Yes."

Peering around Laportea, I looked into a face I knew all too well. One I'd wasted months on. Rob. My sniveling, sorry excuse-of-a-man, ex-boyfriend was the person I had to kill to claim my crown.

Look, I'm a big fan of revenge. Seems fun as heck in movies, makes a great read, and feels validating. But I'm talking petty vengeance. Toothbrush in the toilet for that ho roommate who takes up all the hot water and runs up a bill as long as your arm. The fun kind that makes you feel a little like, "Yeah, probably shouldn't have done that but who gives a damn."

Then there's legit, no going back, life-changing vengeance.

Not sweet.

Not cool.

Just horrible.

"I don't love him."

"Pardon?" The Australian Queen lifted a brow, amused confusion stamped across her face.

I gestured to Rob. "My ex. Sure he pulled a douche move but I'm not gonna kill him. I'm not that much of a horrible person."

"Is he not your beau?"

"Nope."

"This is not Robert Anderson of 3338 Winter Road Burlington, Vermont, with whom you had a six month romantic liaison? This is not the Rob Anderson whose house your body was found in front of after a sharp fall down his front steps."

I crossed my arms, semi-weirded out by her stalker-like description of my ex. "Yeah, that's him. But we broke up."

"Since when?" Rob snapped from his knees, regaining enough of his manhood to pipe up. "We didn't break up."

"Didn't we? Or were you thinking I'd want a ménage and just started early?"

"It wasn't—"

"Don't you dare say 'it wasn't what it looked like.' His dick was up your ass. There is no other way to see that."

Rob tried to scramble to his feet, but the chains binding him held him down. "Fuck you, Peaches! So I cheated on you. Big deal. Maybe if you weren't such a beached whale in bed I wouldn't have had to go find someone else." He clicked his tongue, stopping me before I even started. "The fact that it's a man shouldn't matter. Bring your ass into this century and stop being a bigoted shrew!"

I gaped at him for a full second before lunging. "I'll kill him. Gonna rip off his goddamn dick!"

LSM side-stepped to haul me back as RSM wrapped a tight fist around Rob's neck, cutting whatever retort he was about to give off.

"Enough!" Laportea barked with whip-quick authority that made me think she subbed as a headmistress in her spare time. The school one, not the S&M one. Hmm... maybe both.

"Ishtar." The Australian queen's eyes landed on my contender.

The vampiress snapped her gaze to Laportea, coming out of shock with a start. It was that second—that snap—that seemed to make everything real for her. That made this trial the one to break her. It started in her hands, moving up her body to wracking shivers accompanied with heart wrenching sobs as she fell to her knees, curling in on herself. "I-I can't... I can't... I can't..."

"Are you backing down?" The reproach in the Australian Queen's voice was as clear as it was cold.

"A-Anyone else," Ishtar's teeth clattered, her voice breaking my heart. "Anyone b-but my d-daughter. Please."

That was beyond twisted and sliding far past sadistic. Nothing. Fucking nothing in the universe was worth that sacrifice.

I mean, maybe a daughter of higher or equal value—

No. Still messed up.

"You want her to kill her own kid?"

Laportea's eyes turned to me, all "This is what it takes. You either have it or you don't."

Guess I didn't.

My humanity, empathy, and newborn ability to see right from wrong stopped it.

"Are you forfeiting?"

"Rob's not worth my soul."

"Who is?" She stepped clear into my personal space, challenging me. "We searched for anyone that had meaning to you and found three. Two of which would've been mercy killings and completely defeated the purpose."

Mercy killings? I opened my mouth, but she cut me off before I could ask the question.

"No one. You have No. One." Her voice and words cut to the marrow. "Do not believe the vampires around you. I am not so short-sighted to be distracted by a new toy as they are, nor am I as cruel as to make it think I care. Make no mistakes, Peaches, your sole purpose in being here is the unique power you bring not who you are."

"I've passed every one of your stupid tests," I growled, vibrating with the need to shove my foot somewhere the sun didn't shine, "So don't stand there trying to tell me that I'm—"

"They were wrong," she said coolly, something like disappointment on her face. "You are no contender, child."

Two weeks ago I would have agreed. Crapped myself while doing it. Maybe even passed out. Now? Now, I'd been through the ringer a few dozen times and learned all my lessons. Didn't always put those lessons into action, but I knew my worth and my mettle. It wasn't made on the death of others.

I wasn't a badass because I killed Ariel. Didn't make me cool to diss an alpha in his own home. Fighting ninjas and getting out of escape rooms weren't solid qualifiers for what made a queen. What made me awesome and terrific was that I got up when knocked down, made my own path when the one in front of me was covered in thorns, and had teachers that pushed me to my absolute limit because they knew I could take it.

I wasn't stupid.

I wasn't weak.

I wasn't a monster.

I was Peaches.

'Bout time I start acting like it. "I came here asking for permission, bowing down and playing along. Nah, that's not happening anymore. So let's get this straight." I took a step forward, chest brushing Laportea's. Something flared inside of me, powerful and deadly. Worse than period chocolate cravings on a heavy flow day in July. Whatever bedtime story monster I was blazed through my eyes.

Laportea took a careful step back, a clear but hard-fought retreat. It was enough for me.

"I'm leaving here with my crown, not because I'm the best queen right now but because I will become the best one ever. There was never a competition, never a contender. It was mine before I stepped in, I just forgot that."

Yeah, not anymore.

Raising my voice, I continued, "I've been trained by a king, a queen, a merchant, a warrior, and a witch. They didn't do that because I'm a toy or because I have a fun new power, they did that because I'm me. Zeno gave me her blessing because I'm amazing.

"Support. Guidance. Training. What have you got, Laportea? Were you trained for your role as queen? Learn that you didn't know shit because what makes a good leader is good mentors and a strong sense of self?"