Wait, Am I A Zombie? [BOOK 3]

"To outrun your problems?" he snorted, looking as harsh as I'd ever seen him. "You can dress it up as a walkabout but we both know you were running."

"And what if I was?" I demanded, glaring up at him through tears that started to fall. Luther, Bane, Samantha, Zeno, and Casper—they all had their ducks in a row while I was struggling to see the stupid things, let alone get them in order. God forbid I put in any effort to try and get my shit together. No, that's what they were there for. To teach me, mold me, use me.

"Am I no longer allowed to exist as myself if it doesn't fit in your strict design? I should just nod my head and follow along and ask no questions and make no effort to try and figure this shit out myself. Not my own life! Because it's not mine anymore, right? I forfeit it to Bane and the rest of you. So what? You save my life and now I owe it to you. What I do and how I feel and what I say matter. I matter."

With that final word it was like all my pent up anxiety vanished. The feeling of needing to go and do and find fell away leaving the real reason I'd left the safety of the hotel, the real reason I felt the need to be alone.

Caspers eyes shifted, the red fading to blue. His eyes were wide, mouth agape, body angled back and away as if I'd slapped him. I wasn't putting down that Casper was right; he was, but so was I.

Awkwardly stepping to the side, he turned and collapsed against the bench, stretching his legs straight out and throwing his arm over his eyes. "Of—Of course you matter, Peaches."

"Not like that," I said, looking straight ahead without seeing as tears streamed down my face. "Not like a tool or puzzle or weapon. I mean the type of matter that Bane has. Dignity. Autonomy. People who aren't riding his dick and trying to marionette him all the fucking time."

"Peaches," Casper sighed, reaching out like he was going to hug me.

I recoiled instantly. "Don't touch me. If I wanna cry, I'm gonna cry. You gotta deal with that."

"I can't bear to see a woman cry."

I snorted and made no move to make him feel better by wiping my face and playing it off. There would be no mask, no tucking it under and moving on to the next thing to make him feel better. I deserved the right to express myself any way I wanted without worrying about someone else's goddamn feelings on my emotions.

"You seem to be under the impression that I'm this thing Bane has. His wife. His queen," I started, finally turning to face him. "Let's get something clear right now. I'm not some helpless puppy your king picked up. I've earned the right to think and act for myself. Yes, I will take your words into consideration, but you don't get to talk down to me. You don't have to be here. That's a choice you're making—one I appreciate. But we need to get on the same page, Casper, because I'm not about to have this discussion again."

He sat up straighter, looking me in my eyes though it obviously made him uncomfortable. "What page is that?"

"The one where you are my friend and advisor but not my guard or my keeper. I understand you have centuries of experience on me and as I grow and become the queen you deserve, I hope I can learn from you. Just as I hope you will learn from me."

Equity. One of those many useless S.A.T. words that seemed to be coming to the forefront the longer I spent with supernaturals. Fairness in his treatment of me, just like he gave the others. Casper might not be able to respect me yet—Hell! He might still consider me a kid climbing the steps to what he deemed adulthood—but that didn't mean he couldn't learn from me or that he shouldn't.

Seconds faded into minutes as he turned away from me. I didn't bother pushing into his mind, it was obvious he was mulling over everything I'd said and thought. I let him, content to relax in the shade as my tears dried and the rollercoaster of my emotions settled down with my understanding of what my "walkabout" was really about.

Well... I mean, I did find myself. Maybe it wasn't in the scorching desert with scorpions everywhere, but the day hadn't been a bust. If anything, it helped center and relax me after the craziness of the last week. I'd need this confidence to get me through the next few days—the reception, the meetings, the opening of court—so I could hear my people's problems and offer solutions. A good leader was a sane leader, after all.

"Zenobia used to say the opposite," Casper said, the words almost lost on the breeze.

"Zeno?"

"Hm." He nodded, stretching his arms behind his back. "I met her shortly after I met Bane. She was managing their multinational conglomerate, still ruling on high."

He laughed and shook his head. "She prescribed to the Yin and Yang theory: a little bad with good, a little good with bad. Swap out the two with chaos and order."

"How long was it before you broke Guy Code?"

"What code?"

I smacked him lightly and his eyes widened at the small amount of contact. "Come on, dude. You never crap where you eat. Bane was your pal. I couldn't see my husband giving the thumbs up to you sticking it to his sister."

Casper grunted and shifted uneasily, his thigh brushing mine. "You use too many colloquialisms. Sometimes it's hard to keep up with you."

I wondered about Casper sometimes. It wasn't like the guy hadn't tried to assimilate into modern society. He had. He and Bane tried their damnedest to blend into the twentieth century and embrace all the new era had to offer. At least, that's what it looked like. Samantha seemed a couple centuries behind with Luther just kind of floating between ages.

"I couldn't see Bane accepting your relationship with Zeno given that you were friends," I simplified for him.

"Right." Casper cracked his knuckles and rotated his neck. "That's why we hid it for a few centuries."

Oh, I could not see my husband liking that.

Casper laughed, the sound dry. "He didn't, but he got over it."

Doubtful.

Casper laughed again. "Bane is..." He paused, searching for the words with a wave of his hands, coming up short with a frown. "Different with you. So very different."

"In what way?"

"Irrational. Possessive. Controlling." Leaning forward, Casper balances his elbows on his knees. "It's just one more thing that makes you dangerous."

"You think I'm dangerous, too?" Sure didn't act like it.

His eyes met mine, a smile creasing the corners. "Absolutely. I'm a sucker for people that might kill me."

"What's that even mean?"

Casper's eyes roamed my face, his lips parting as if he wanted to say something before closing, firming. With a shake of his head, he pushed to his feet and stretched his arms far above his head, neck and shoulders cracking.

"I'm not the person you need to talk to, Peaches," Casper said quietly, looking out over the park.

I already knew that. Sure they could read my mind but sometimes it was better from the zombie's mouth.

"You don't still think that, do you?" Casper asked with a smirk.

I popped up and haphazardly beat the dust from the park bench out of my dress. "That I'm a raw flesh lover, one step away from goin' all 'braaaaaaiiiiiiinsssssss!'" Lifting my arms up, I zombie-walked to him, limping for good measure.

Doubling over, Casper laughed until he cried and his face turned a hideous red. "You have to do that for Bane."

"You laugh but I'll bet he'd think it was real and have Samantha put a magic freeze on me while he worked with Luther to find a cure and Zeno sorta protected me while really contemplating killing me."

He froze, head tilted to catch my eyes. A grimace contorted his features before Casper straightened and bent back his arm to massage his neck. "It's scary how plausible that sounds."

"Right."

"Let's get back before they notice. I'd hate to hear your analysis of everyone's reaction to our disappearance."

I smirked as we started to walk back. "Runaway lovers all the way."

Chapter Nine: Just Like a Man Not to Know How Vaginas Work

"Why aren't you answering your phone?" Zeno hissed at Casper the second we strode through the doors of the hotel.

Frowning, Casper patted down his pocket where his phone should have been.

"Dude, were you pickpocketed?" How did that even happen to vampires?

Casper cursed under his breath, cheeks turning a baby's finely smacked bottom red.

"And you," the former vampire queen rounded on me, voice as disapproving as ever. Blessing Zeno had been an absolute fluke that I'm sure she internally justified by claiming it was heat stroke. "If you want to be an idiot and run into the arms of your murderers, do it by yourself. Do not make us chase after you."

Rolling my eyes, I started to count off the problems in her statement. "One: not an idiot. Feel like I've proven that fairly well. Two: didn't run into the arms of my murderer. If I did we wouldn't be having this conversation. Three: No one asked you to run after me."

Her eyes glowed red and I had no doubt we were a hairbreadth away from a Zeno-Peaches ultimate smackdown. But as quickly as she got angry, she got quiet, reason overriding her urge to shred me.

"I cannot understand it," Zeno said almost to herself. "Before you, I trusted my brother with everything. I did not have a hint of doubt as to his soundness of mind or ability. Since you?"

She stepped forward, a move to immediately put me on the defensive but strangely didn't. This didn't feel like Zeno's usual attack mode. Ya know, up-up-down-left dead Peaches. Nah, this felt personal, the closest Zeno would come to showing worry while still being a blood-thirsty vamp queen.

"I do not like the person he is becoming because of you. I do not trust him." Her voice was slow, the words not coming from her heart but her head. This was her brain telling her there was something wrong with Bane and ignoring it would be stupid. One thing Zeno would never be was stupid—self-preservation was a trait we shared in spades. "Despite my desire to see you fail, you have proven yourself. Now I need you to help my brother. Bring him back."

"How exactly do you suppose I do that?" I feigned sudden realization. "Wait. Lemme just reach up my ass and pull out all the answers to the universe."

"You caused it. You fix it. Or you will cease to be," Zeno warned, bullet-fast before moving away, grabbing Casper, and blending into the crowded hotel lobby.

Cool. I was gonna have to fight this fire-breathing dragon all by myself. "Would've liked some Casper and Zeno armor," I muttered, moving through the hotel to our suite.

Stopping in front of our door, I tried to steel myself for what to expect. I'd been gone the day; he knew I left; we were already having problems.

"This is gonna be awesome. Super. Awesome."

Did someone say sweaty hands? Nope. Cucumber calm. Ice in my veins. Wasn't like I'd never had a fight with Rob that made me nervous. And I mean, I handled startling situations perfectly. Not running away and falling to my death or anything. Just gonna stand in front of this elevator—

No, no. That's wrong feet. Elevators are for escaping and we're not escaping. So let's just walk on back to the hotel door. That's right. Arm? Ya listening? I'm gonna need you to lift up. Fingers, all you gotta do is curl and let gravity take care of the rest. We can do this, body.

Any minute now.

Yup. Just in one second.

Ready...

Well, uh, my body was not listening, which didn't bode well for the start of whatever Bane and I were gonna do. Didn't help either that I'd abso-freakin-lutely been projecting those thoughts like an old-time film reel onto a screen, and Bane was standing in front of me with the door gripped loosely between his fingers.

"Hello." Nu-uh. My voice did not crack. Clearing my throat, I tried again. "Hello, Bane."

If ever there was more of a time that I wished Bane had an expressive face... But the dude didn't let an ounce of feeling out unless he wanted to.

"Come in."

"Thanks." Felt weird to be invited into my own hotel room and even weirder to be motioned to sit.

"I'd offer you a drink but I think we both know that wouldn't be good."

"Not good for me or you? Pretty sure drunk Peaches would get you laid." No! Come back words. Come back to the mouth! You never should have left.

Bane stared at me from across the low coffee table for a full minute before doing something I never would have thought of. Not if I'd had a century to play this scenario in my head would I have got Bane's next words.

"I'm sorry."

"Oh."

"Just 'oh'?"

"Well... " I juggled my head on my shoulders. "I kind of thought you'd yell and bitch and we'd fight."

"Have I ever yelled at you?"

Had he? I honestly couldn't remember. "It's just when we usually fight there's a lot more umpth."

"I don't want to fight, Peaches. I never wanted to fight with you. I just couldn't express my emotions."

"And you can now?"

He tossed me a wry smile before his face dropped, tiredness showing as he raked long fingers through his hair. Didn't exactly make him look the few centuries he actually was, but the move did age Bane.

Leaning forward, I balanced my elbows on my knees. "You gonna spill your guts and tell me what's goin' on in that head of yours? I mean, I am a mind reader but I'd prefer to hear it from the horse's mouth."

"You could read my mind, couldn't you?" Bane mused like it was the first time he realized this.

"Yeah, dude."

"Why haven't you?"

"Not a very good foundation for a marriage without divorce." I shrugged, holding out my hands. "And I kind of hoped you'd tell me sooner rather than later." Before I took off your ring.

My husband leaned back, fingers threaded loosely over his abdomen. "I've thought about telling you, but I wasn't sure how you'd react or if you could not think about it."

"Is it something that can be used against you?"

He laughed, the sound self-deprecating and hollow. "I have everything I could ever need, habibiti. I'm rich, powerful, handsome, and immortal. I'm invincible."

"Way ta suck your own dick, Bane," I mockingly clapped for him.

"What I mean," he said slowly, a smile lifting the corners of his lips, "is that I should be content. But I'm not and I never was. There is one thing that was stolen from me, one thing I could never have."

It was on the tip of my tongue to make a smart aleck response but the clenching in my gut stopped me. Whatever he was about to say was important and would hopefully explain his behavior when it came to me.

His smile was so sad, it almost broke my heart. "A family, habibiti. My own flesh and blood."

A family? That was it? I mean, everyone had a family. They all looked different, sure. But two people still got together to do the naked chicken dance and nine months later a little human popped out of a woman's whoha. Wolves didn't raise Bane, I was nearly certain of that. So whatever version of a family he came from he'd still had one.

Now he had one with me.

"Just because we're not flesh and blood doesn't mean we're not family, Bane. You're my husband. My very aggravating husband, but we're in this. Together."

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I don't think you understand. I could never have a family because I became a vampire. However, with you I found that I could. That we could."

"What do you mean?"

"Your smell, Peaches. I haven't lied to you when I said you smelled like sex."

"Yeah, and?"

"How do you think children are made?"

This wasn't a goddamn Sex-Ed class. I knew how kids were made. They needed living, breathing, human parents. Neither Bane nor I were those things. Well, I breathed but he was a vampire. Pretty sure his swimmers were out of commission.

He gave me a look like I was being difficult on purpose, but I had no clue what the hell he was talking about or how his need for a family turned him into a douche. So he wanted kids? Well, I wanted a six pack. Sometimes we didn't get what we wanted in life, but we moved on instead of fixating or using it as an excuse for our behavior.

"Peaches... you may be pregnant."

"Uh—" Was there a field further than left? "No, I'm not."

"You may be," he added gently as if that took away the damage of the bomb he just dropped. "I think you can bear my child."

"Because I smell like sex."

"Because you smell like life."

"Umm, okay, so—" How to start? How to start? "—we both know how kids are made. Super fun past time. But, like, in order for the semen to take root the woman has to be, ehem, ovulating. With eggs. If you have eggs you have a womb and a period. Not sure if you've figured this out yet, Bane, but it's been a month and I haven't been on the rag at all."

"You could already be pregnant."

"Yeah, but I'm not."

"How do you know?"

"Well, it's my body for one. And two, I was supposed to get on my period a couple days after I woke up. I've been on the pill for years so everything below the belt is clockwork."

"That doesn't mean anything," he denied in the same voice I used with my mom when she first told me blood was gonna pour out of my vagina monthly for the next thirty years. "Your body has been in constant transition."

"Right," I agreed. "So what makes you think I'd be pregnant?"

He was silent, something like desperate rage radiating from him in waves. "I—I need it to be true."

"And when it's not? When you find out I'm right and not pregnant?"

Quick as lightning, he slammed at least five pregnancy tests on the table between us. "Humor me."

Chapter Ten: Tryna fix your inner issues with a bad bitch

We got smartphones, computers, and singing robots; yet, somehow the easiest way to tell if you're pregnant is still peeing on a freaking stick.

Striding out of the bathroom, I spread the pregnancy tests Bane'd given me over the coffee table and set the timer on his phone for two minutes. "So you're really doing this?"

Dude didn't say a word. Eyes fixed on the sticks with his fists clasped tightly between his spread legs, knuckles white.

"I'm thinking a penthouse in Paris. Ooh! Or a diamond the size of my eye."

He didn't even glance up. "For what?"

"Your apology," I scoffed, because I was right and he was gonna have to grovel something fierce to get back on my good side.

His lips twitched, but didn't break out into a full smile. "What would you even do with that diamond?"

"I don't know. Make it into an impractical but hella fashionable monocle."

"Monocle?"

"Like the Monopoly Man."

The timer went off with a trill of piano scales. I looked back at the sticks and watched them turn. One by one. All negative.

Surprise. Surprise.

My reaction was understandable: annoyance with an air of told ya so. Bane... not so much.

"Doesn't prove anything," he growled, red bleeding into his eyes as the bones in his hands cracked. "They are used to detect humans. We aren't human."

I finally got the phrase "deafening silence". In the eternity between when he slammed "human" down between us and finally looked at me, a thousand conversations were hashed, hundreds of arguments fought with no clear winner, a million apologies whispered. Silence had never been as overwhelming as it was then.

Still, didn't get it. Not any of this—his reasoning, rational or even his desire for a child.

Far as I could tell, we didn't live a life geared toward children. If I wasn't getting kidnapped or engaging in death matches, Bane was off in meetings or hunting down off-the-rails vamps.