Watching TV Rots Your Brains Pt. 01

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"And someone's fixing be twelve years old," Judy smiled a week before Malone's birthday.

"Uh, someone's fixing be twenty tomorrow," Blair reminded her mother.

"Mm hmm, and has told me and told me and told me what she wants," Judy smiled, affectionately swatting her oldest daughter's backside.

"Yeah, Malone, what you want?" Cassidy asked. "Blair, who'd you have for Geology?"

"Whatever you do, don't get Jurneggan; she's a total bitch," Blair said.

Uh, what'd I want for my last birthday? Oh, and Christmas?" Malone asked. "And birthday before that?"

"Blair Warner McNaughton!" Judy said.

"What? It's the truth; decides she don't like you? Nothing you can do about it," Blair declared.

"Malone, seriously? You seriously wanting earrings?" Judy asked.

"Sounds like Coach Thorpe," Ingalls giggled. "God! Glad I only got one more year of her. And she makes us shower after every P.E."

"McCall?" Cassidy asked, looking up from her laptop.

"Yes. But not no big hoops or nothing," Malone said.

"McCall's okay. He's sometimes hard to understand; he kind of sounds like that, oh shoot, that, 'be vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbit' guy," Blair said.

"Elmer Fudd?" Ingalls asked.

"Yes, that's it. Elmer Fudd," Blair agreed. "Gold studs or diamonds?"

"Pearls. He wants pearls," Judy said.

"Pearls; that's our birthstone," Malone said.

"Well, you'll be out of school by then," Judy relented.

"Yes!" Malone whooped.

"I swear, sometimes? You're too pretty to be a boy," Blair said as Malone and Ingalls hurried to get ready for the school bus.

"I know," Malone agreed. "I'm almost as pretty as you."

"And I'm almost as pretty as Mom," Blair agreed.

"No one's as pretty as Mom," Malone said.

"Wow, is it getting deep in here?" Judy asked, looking at the floor. "I swear, it's getting deep in here."

"Bye! Love you," Ingalls called out as she dashed for the front door.

"Mom, it's not BS," Blair insisted.

"Bye, love you!" Malone cried out, rushing for the door.

"Bye, love you," Blair, Cassidy and Judy called out.

"Don't slam the..." Judy started to say, then sighed as Malone did slam the door.

The following evening, Judy lightly teased Seth about the threads of gray that were beginning to show up in his hair. He smiled and pretended he was counting all of her gray hair.

"Uh huh, I got any gray, it's because of your kids," Judy smiled as they kissed.

"Hi Daddy," four voices called out.

By now, Ingalls had figured out that Seth Grossman was not her biological father. But she loved him, and knew he loved her. Sperm makes the father, but love makes the Daddy.

Chef Paul Whelchek served the meal and again faded to the background. He did wonder why Judy McNaughton kept hiring him to prepare kosher meals when no one in their household was Jewish. McNaughton certainly was not a Jewish name.

After wheeling out the large cake, Paul quietly thanked Ms. McNaughton and prepared to leave. Paul nodded and smiled when the client reminded him that Malone's birthday was in five days.

After cake and ice cream, Blair got down to the task of unwrapping her presents. Grant Miller, Blair's current boyfriend gave Blair a very nice compound bow and leather quiver for her arrows. Lisa McIntire, Blair's red headed girlfriend gave Blair a bottle of Opium perfume. Both Grant and Lisa were thanked with very passionate kisses.

"Oh. My. God, where, Cassidy, where'd you get this?" Blair squealed when she unwrapped a ceramic pipe.

The instrument was shaped like a thick cock; the marijuana went into the base, which was shaped like impossibly large balls. The smoker's mouth wrapped around the cock's head.

"No kidding; mm, my birthday's in eighty seven days," Judy hinted.

"Uh? Like the day before mine? Already got you your present," Cassidy rolled her eyes at their mother.

When Blair unwrapped her present from her mother, both Blair and Malone gasped. The lid of the box announced that the present had come from Vokine's, an exclusive department store in Myndee, Arkansas. Inside of the box were three bra and panty ensembles, each with matching garter belt and stockings.

"Oh! That, those are real silk," Malone sighed.

"Uh huh; and you stay out of my room," Blair demanded.

"What? Maybe then he'll stay out of mine," Judy said, giving Malone's long hair an affectionate tug.

"Dude! You, what?" Grant sneered at the boy.

"Hey Miller," Blair warned, no smile on her face.

"Well, this has been fun, but I need to leave," Seth smiled after Blair had finished unwrapping the gifts and reading all of the cards.

For each card, Blair had imitated different television personas. Cassidy squealed and objected when her card was read using Lois Griffin's voice. Malone laughed gleefully when his card was given Fred Flintstone's voice.

"Wait, who was that?" Grant asked when his card was given Gomer Pyle's voice.

"Okay. Bye Daddy. Love you," Blair said as Seth stood to leave.

"Hmm, oh, Sweetheart? Think you could give your old man a ride home?" Seth asked, handing Blair the keys to her brand new Lexus.

"You got it? I, you really got me the Lexus?" Blair gasped, then squealed in delight.

"Who cares about a car?" Malone asked, openly admiring Blair's silk panties.

"You will soon enough," Judy assured Malone.

For his birthday, Malone invited Tommy Perry, Felicia Collins and Mandy Barragona to his home. Seth was pretty amused at the complete adulation both Felicia and Mandy had for Malone. He was highly uncomfortable with the complete adulation Tommy Perry had for his son though.

"Oh? But it's okay that Blair had her boyfriend and girlfriend at her birthday?" Judy quietly asked Seth.

"That, that's different," Seth weakly argued as the children frolicked in the large pool.

"Where, where'd you find a bathing suit like that?" Sarah Barragona, Mandy's mother asked, nodding toward Malone's bathing suit.

"It's actually Ingalls's old one," Judy admitted.

Putting her mouth close to Sarah's ear, Judy whispered, "If I'd let him, he'd worn the top too."

"That, but it would have never fit," Sarah said, looking at Ingalls's impressive chest.

When Paul quietly informed Judy that the meal was ready, Judy called out to the children. Malone led the thundering horde up the stairs to his bedroom to change out of bathing suits into regular clothing for the meal.

Seth looked pointedly at Judy when his son came down in a frilly blouse and clunky shoes, makeup carefully applied and hair meticulously teased. Judy smiled and shrugged her shoulders and Seth shook his head in resignation.

"He is a boy, right?" Sarah asked Mandy as they sat to eat.

"You, you're Jewish?" Felicia asked as Paul served the dinner.

"I guess," Malone shrugged. "My Dad is, so, yeah, I guess I am. Right Dad?"

"Felicia, how'd you know that?" Judy asked.

"My mom's Jewish," Felicia said. "When we eat? We got use a whole bunch of plates."

"Ha ha, I'm already thirteen," Tommy taunted as Malone blew out the twelve candles.

"So?" Malone shrugged. "In three hundred and sixty six days, I'll be thirteen too."

"Uh, three hundred and sixty five days," Mandy said, rolling her eyes.

"Uh, next year's a leap year," Malone reminded his girlfriend.

"Oh wow!" Judy said, admiring the teardrop pearl earrings Seth had gifted his son.

"Hey, what good is it to have a jewelry store in the family if I can't give my kid some jewelry?" Seth smiled. "Uncle Solomon's expecting you Tuesday morning to get the piercings, okay?"

"HE is a boy, right?" Sarah asked Mandy again.

Seth also gave his son, and his three daughter's membership to the College of Mei Tae Kwon Do School. Mei Ti Kin was the instructor and had excellent reviews on his Facebook page.

Stepping into the large storefront, ear lobes still smarting from his new piercings, Malone met Mei Il Don, fifteen year old niece to Mei Ti Kin. Malone stared open-mouthed at the golden skinned beauty.

"Hey, Felicia sees you like that, you'll need Tae Kwon DO," Cassidy teased, nudging Malone to break him out of his trance.

Mei Ti Kin was puzzled by Malone's appearance, assuming that the red headed beauty was a girl. He was also very attracted to Blair McNaughton, who was not impressed with the instructor's blatant flirtations. By the end of the first lesson, Blair told the instructor, very firmly, she was there for lessons in Tae Kwon Do and was not looking for a relationship.

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For her twenty first birthday, Blair did not invite Grant or Lisa. When Seth asked about this, Blair shrugged. Then, setting her face hard, she told her father the truth.

"Lisa was getting way too possessive; I'm twenty one. I'm not ready to settle down just yet," Blair admitted. "And Grant? Know how many jobs he's had? No, I should say, know how many jobs he's lost in the last year?"

"Hey, like you just said, maybe he's not ready to settle down," Seth suggested.

"Dad, Grant thinks everything should just be handed to him," Blair said.

At his thirteenth birthday, Malone again invited Mandy and Felicia, as well as Tommy. But he also invited Mei Il Don and Pamela Paige Purdt.

Shannon Purdt and her daughter arrived forty five minutes early and assisted Judy in setting everything up. Mother and daughter were both overweight, with pneumatic breasts and jiggly backsides. Mother and daughter were also very warm and loving and both were very pretty despite their excessive pounds.

"Why'd you invite HER?" Tommy complained as they were in Malone's room, slipping into their bathing suits.

Same reason I invited you; I like her," Malone said, removing his diamond earrings.

After swimming, after their meal and the cake and ice cream, after the gifts had been opened, Judy gratefully closed the door after the last guests had departed. Turning around, Judy saw that Shannon and Pamela were busily cleaning the dining room and kitchen.

"Shannon! What, what are you doing? You're our guests!" Judy complained.

"I know," Shannon smiled a beatific smile.

"Hey, Mom, they want to clean, I say let them," Ingalls encouraged.

"Uh, the fact that YOU'RE the one supposed be doing that wouldn't have anything to do with that attitude?" Judy asked. "Come on, Shannon; let's let the girls do this. Do you like rum?"

"Almost as much as I like weed," Shannon quietly confessed as Ingalls began helping Pamela.

"Oh girlfriend!" Judy laughed happily. "Come on!"

Shannon squealed at the hookah Judy had in her bedroom. The two women sat on the loveseat Judy had in her suite's parlor area and smoked some potent Bermuda. Washing the harsh taste of the weed out of their throats with a couple of rum punches, Judy and Shannon kissed.

"I, next weekend? It's Percy's weekend with the kids," Shannon hinted.

"I'll have some Colombian," Judy enthused, sucking Shannon's tongue into her mouth.

"Mom?" they heard Pamela's voice as Shannon was preparing to bite Judy's breast.

"Right on cue," Shannon sighed and the two women giggled.

The Monday after his birthday, Malone took his ten thousand dollar birthday check to Russell Ubelhauser and started an investment portfolio with the Ubelhauser firm. Russell treated Malone with dignity and respect; after all, Ubelhauser Investments Ltd. was a professional establishment.

The day after Christmas, Malone took his ten thousand dollar Christmas check to Jack Thompson and he and Jack set up a portfolio. Having a son that was a bit of a prodigy with money and short term investments, Jack Thompson took the thirteen year old boy's concerns and aspirations quite seriously.

"Okay, so, why aren't you buying video games or a skateboard or a mountain bike like Ingalls?" Judy asked as they drove home from the brokerage.

"So when I'm sixteen, I can buy my own car," Malone said. "And when I'm eighteen, I can buy my own house. And when I'm twenty, I can buy my own plane."

Malone didn't say it out loud, but did think to himself, "So Mei Il Don won't think I'm just a stupid kid."

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Blair's twenty fourth birthday was held in the small home she and her husband had bought on Conway Road. Mitch Waitley adored, doted on his beautiful wife and welcomed Blair's eccentric family with open arms. His mother and younger brother were more than a little puzzled at the appearance of Blair's family. Of course they'd met Seth at the wedding; he was the father of the bride and did walk his beautiful daughter down the aisle. Then he sat with his wife, not with the mother of the bride. Tonight, Seth's wife was not in attendance. Seth was clearly in attendance with the mother of the bride; their affection for one another was very evident.

At the wedding, they'd also met Malone, the brother of the bride. He was dressed in a tuxedo and acted as usher during the church ceremony. At the wedding reception, Malone had spent much of his time with an elegant and exotic Asian beauty.

Tonight, Malone was not visible. Instead, Blair's twin was present. Tonight, Blair's twin was dressed in a beautiful light blue gown, long hair expertly curled, and makeup flawless. And yet, everyone was calling Blair's sister by the name of 'Malone.'

"So, Daddy, decriminalizing marijuana. We can count on your vote?" Blair asked.

"Blair, Sweetheart; this is a super conservative uptight God guns and Bible red state," Seth said, smiling. "Donald Trump has a better chance of winning the White House than you have of getting pot decriminalized in the state of Arkansas."

"Come on, Your Honor," Mitch smiled. "Against Hillary? Could the D Party have found a more unlikeable candidate?"

"Unlikeable? UNLIKEABLE? You want to talk unlikeable? Donald you're fired Trump is unlikeable," Seth demanded.

"Oh, Daddy, thank you for getting me that interview with your brother in law," Blair said. "After Werner and Franklin? I think I'll really like Norton, Turner and Bloomberg."

"Sam's a good guy," Seth agreed. "Malone, is that the diamond choker I gave to Ingalls?"

"Now, medical marijuana, yes or no," Blair continued.

"I said he could borrow it," Ingalls said. "Blair, this that artichoke dip Mom makes?"

"Medical maybe. Recreational, never in a million years," Seth said.

"I uh, Ms. McNaughton," Margaret Waitley said, trying to start a conversation, trying to relieve her own sense of discomfort.

"Margaret, call me Judy, please," Judy smiled. "By the way, love your hair like that."

"I uh, oh, well thank you," Margaret said, gently fluffing her short mop of brown curls.

"And if I remember correctly, you're in administration at Clarkston County Medical? Had all four of my kids there," Judy continued.

"I, that's right," Margaret said, surprised and pleased that Judy had remembered this bit of information.

"So, there any chance I could sue them?" Judy said.

"Sue! What? Why?" Margaret gasped.

"Just told you; I had all four of my kids there," Judy laughed.

"Mom!" four girls squealed.

"By the way, I just want you to know, and I mean this with all my heart," Blair said to Malone. "I hate you."

"What? Why?" Malone gasped.

"I never looked that good in that dress," Blair said.

"'Cause you never had the butt for it. And you never looked that good in them stockings either," Cassidy taunted Blair.

"Oh dear God; the brother is one of them trannies," Matt Waitley hissed to his brother.

"Uh huh," Mitch chuckled. "But did you see his date at the wedding? Gorgeous, huh?"

"Yeah well. Thank God I got Mom's boobs," Blair agreed, even thrusting her chest forward.

"Oh! Hey! Wait, wait a minute," Matt said loudly. "That chink, she, don't tell me she was a trannie too huh?"

"Mei Il Don? No, don't believe so," Mitch shrugged.

By the time Margaret and Matt Waitley left the birthday party, both were still baffled by the McNaughton tribe. Margaret did feel some connection to Judy; they were both mothers. Whether raising two boys or raising three, sometimes four girls, they were both mothers. They both had worries, heartaches, and joys.

But in Margaret's opinion, Judy McNaughton was far too permissive with her children. A son, with waist length red hair, pierced ears, wearing makeup? And Cassidy and Ingalls, what kind of name was Ingalls anyway, talking about lesbianism? And their sex toys? Right there, in front of everyone to hear?

Matt had truly envied his older brother; Blair McNaughton, now Blair Waitley was stunning, smart, funny, and genuinely warm and affectionate. He found both Cassidy and Ingalls, what kind of weird ass name was Ingalls anyway, Matt found both women very attractive, especially from the neck down.

Earlier in the evening, Matt had gone into the bathroom and dug one of Blair's bras from the hamper and nodded at the tag that read 30D. From what Matt could tell, Cassidy's breasts were equal to Blair's. Ingalls however, had both Cassidy and Blair beat.

But the whole night, Matt had been unable to tear his eyes from Malone. And the more Matt dwelled on his attraction to Malone, the angrier Matt grew.

Chef Paul Whelchek gently teased Judy; somehow he had lost two bookings. He immediately apologized when he saw the look of sadness cross his client's face.

"Hmm, oh no, no, dear man," Judy smiled. "It's just hard for a Momma to let go of her babies. And with Ingalls fixing graduate next year..."

"I'm never leaving," Ingalls assured her mother.

"Oh. Well, now I really have a reason to cry," Judy teased.

Malone's guests again included Tommy Perry and Pamela Purdt. Malone had invited Andrea White, a beautiful brunette classmate. Her calf length brown hair was thick and lustrous, and her eyes were a startling blue in color. Her button nose had an adorable sprinkling of freckles and her pouting lips looked ready to kiss. However, Andrea refused to come unless Malone also invited Theresa Meyers, Andrea's best friend. Malone had nothing against Theresa Meyers; she was pretty and had never been mean or dismissive toward Malone. But Malone wasn't about to be coerced into inviting someone to his party just because a guest insisted on it.

Mandy and Sarah Barragona and Mandy's two sisters had abruptly moved to Benhurst, Colorado. Felicia Collins had also moved with her father. Mr. Collins and Felicia had moved to Dolenz, Utah.

Those losses were heartbreaking enough to the sixteen year old boy. But Mei Il Don's insistence that she had no time for a sixteen year old boy or silly little birthday parties had crushed Malone.

"Shannon! Oh my goodness; you've lost weight," Judy greeted Shannon and Pamela. "Pamela, that is, that is the cutest dress. You look beautiful."

"Just got back from Denver," Shannon whispered to Judy as Pamela ran off to join Malone and Tommy in Malone's bedroom. "Brought you some cannabis oil. Couple of drops? Oh. My. Goodness! It will light up whatever you're smoking, I tell you."

"If I didn't already love you," Judy smiled. "Now, seriously, what diet are you on? You look great."

"Quick, everyone hide!" Seth announced. "Cassidy just pulled up. Pretend we're not home."

"You really not funny, Dad," Cassidy laughed, entering the house.

"Oh no sir, I miss my baby too much," Judy told Seth as she hugged their daughter.

The four adults stepped aside as Malone, Tommy and Pamela scampered past, racing for the back door and the pool beyond. Cassidy stepped out of the way so that Blair and Mitch could come into the house.

"You, you're the other one I didn't do this year," Paul commented as Cassidy came into the kitchen and admired his dishes.

"Sorry," Cassidy smiled. "Got my own apartment. Sure wouldn't have room for you to do all this."

"Excuses, excuses," Paul mock-huffed. "A great chef knows how to work with what's available."

"Oh yeah?" Cassidy murmured, running a suggestive hand along his chest.

"I uh, ma'am, I, I'm old enough to be your father," Paul stammered, even as his cock began to rise.