Well, She Finally Asked Me... Ch. 03

Tags: hand jobs, cuckolding, cross dressing, homosexual husband, cock sucking

This story is the final chapter in continuing the perspective of what it like to be married to a beautiful woman and deal with the reality of your homosexual desires.

Chapter 3

Yeah, so now what? was the question. It was not an easy answer for me and Katie. The journey through marriage now led us to some tricky realizations. I'm not sure that I/we would be in this situation if sex was as important to Katie as it was to me. Truthfully, I don't believe all that had been revealed and been shown to her would have happened if she hadn't cucked me. And the manner of cuckolding me wasn't cuckolding me in the traditional sense. It was not like she was locking up my penis in a chastity device and going wild screwing big black cock, far from it. Katie, despite her incredible beauty that turned me on so and made me crazy with lust for sex with her, Katie simply was not highly interested in sex, period. The fact that she withheld full intercourse on an ever-increasing basis, opting for the 'easy way out' of just doling out hand jobs, that encouraged and allowed me to act out and reveal the hidden truth of my sexuality.

And in doing so by just doling out hand jobs that led to her knowing of my love of the way panties felt as she masturbated me, in turn, it subtly emasculated me in her eyes. Being emasculated in panties during hand jobs and revealing that I had homosexual desires, homosexual tendencies, and past encounters with men (of which she only knew a fraction of) she then witnessed with her own eyes me sucking cock. This, I'm sure, diminished a sense of intimacy and her desire for sex with me even further. Perhaps flaws in my character brought us to this point. Yet in reaching this point, my desire for sex was now heightened and there would be no way to turn off the faucet.

Perhaps if our intimacy would have involved the things a man wants from his wife - wonderful full intercourse on a regular basis and not increasingly withheld - then the fact that I had always been a closeted cock sucker might have remained in the closet. Sex with Katie was always fantastic. In the flaw of my character, sucking cock, enjoying acting femme and gay, being a bottom, this was fantastic as well. Yeah. So, now what?

Around the homestead with Katie after she had seen me that night naked and sucking cock with Kevin, needless to say, there was a huge elephant in the room. At work it was awkward with Karissa knowing that I was married and her having seen me with Kevin, but she was cool about it. She was gay and we were pretty good friends at work. Kevin and I did not have a lot of work-related interaction, but I was able to talk with him after work one day.

What it came down to with him, was he let me know two things -- one, is if your wife knows or thinks that you are gay, then choosing between her and being gay, that being gay many times wins out, but not always, as there are so many relationship and societal issues to deal with. The other thing was, that while it was awkward and unrealistic having a relationship with a married man, Kevin told me that I turned him on as much as any out and single gay man he had ever been with. In truth, it was Kevin who lit the flame in our gay relationship, he came on to me because of his homosexual attraction to me.

I arrived home a little later than usual that day I talked with Kevin and Katie did not seem to notice or if she did, she didn't seem upset. She might have been upset if she knew that in talking with Kevin I ended up at his place for a "quickie". Once we were inside his apartment, we were like two rabid dogs, breathlessly kissing and removing each other's clothing. Naked in bed together, it was a rush of unfettered homosexual passion, kissing, nuzzling, sucking cock, masturbating each other. Our kissing hungrily, obsessively sucking cock and sixty-nine-ing led to horny mutually masturbating each other to ejaculation. The cloud hovering above me that I was married, and that things had not been sorted out between me and Katie about my apparent homosexuality, did not make this quickie with Kevin any less enjoyable. It made it even more exciting that it was a taboo gay encounter I was hiding from my wife.

At home with Katie, like her, I did not bring anything up about her seeing me suck Kevin's cock the past weekend or if I planned to see him again. On Saturday, I was grappling with another 'elephant in the room'- would I, should I, pander for a hand job or.... 'gasp'..... full sex with Katie. Surprising me, she beat me to the punch. In a spur of the moment, she came onto me topless in blue jeans. Katie knew it was my kryptonite that aroused me no end and never failed to light my fuse. Long wavy hair cascading across her shoulders halfway down her back, her petite, perky, lovely little titties exposed, and milky white flat navel framed by the jeans like a goddess in a supermodel ad, albeit a supermodel ad from the vivid sexual imagination of my sex fueled mind. Damn, why was my sexuality so conflicted and twisted? Honestly, I'm thinking if Katie would not have inadvertently cucked me and held sex at bay like a carrot on a stick, then the revelation of my past and current homosexual desires and encounters would not have manifested themselves so forcefully and I might have been a normal husband with a normal sex life with his wife.

But with the "genie out of the bottle" that was not the case. At this point I found it hard to bottle up my homosexuality, tasting its sweet forbidden wine after years of marriage, intoxicating my repressed libido. It was not hard, however, to ravish my lovely wife who came onto me in an unexpected moment. Regardless of my innate gayness, beta-ness, emasculated mindset and love of cock, maybe I was somewhat bisexual, as Katie and I had a fantastic fuck. Was she trying to lure me back into the camp of heterosexuality by flinging her feminine charms at me? Whatever it was, we fucked like possessed teenagers, like newlyweds, like illicit adulterers. Her body, her aroma, her pussy tasting so sweet made my cock so hard that when I finally frantically ejaculated inside her, she was digging her nails into my back in our exasperated fucking.

Was it wrong, because she'd know that I would enjoy it so much, that in a moment of repose, she climbed over me and ground her semen sopped pussy into my face? It was pleasure and torment, an acknowledgement from her of my offbeat sexual tastes, literally "in my face" as I devoured my semen from her pussy, edging her on to her own climax. When she climbed off me, the scent of her pussy on my face and the taste of my semen intermingled, it did not take very long with my face licking and suckling her pheromone and sex charged pretty little titties, tacky from us fucking, for me to be with a rebounding erection. Without words, Katie fingered me and masturbated me to another climax with an aching ejaculation of which I was nearly embarrassed to be deserving of such pleasure.

In my mind, I was embarrassed by the rampant gay fantasies that went through my thoughts during such a congenial and loving husband/wife fuck and ensuing hand job. Katie had coaxed it out of me, if I had ever sucked off another guy and had seen it with her own eyes how enthusiastically I sucked off Kevin, with me embracing such unfettered gayness. While Katie knew a smidgen of the homosexual fantasies and encounters that I revealed to her, she had no idea that nearly the entirety of our marriage that only by gay fantasies and thinking about sucking cock could I ever reach climax to ejaculation. There was more guilt inside me about those fantasies during intercourse with my lovely wife, than when I was only receiving a hand job wearing her panties. Those indulgent hand job moments while relatively cucked, my penis ached from the emasculation of wearing her panties as she masturbated me, it was easy to have far flung flaming homosexual fantasies.

It was almost appropriate to have homosexual thoughts the times during hand jobs while wearing her panties, being rather emasculated by my wife, as she brought me to ejaculation with scenes of gay sex dancing through my mind. Was it appropriate this very day during an intimate and loving husband/wife lovemaking that it was only by wild fantasies of gay sex that I was able to ejaculate twice with the tenderness of my pretty wife?

My sexual fantasies most always revolved around sucking cock, and lately, of acting effeminate during gay sex. In my mind, and in my penis, it was such a taboo tingly feeling. As a closet homosexual cocksucker, it was that feeling of gayness, having gay sex behind everyone's back that was my drug. Yeah, I jacked off a lot thinking about the sensation. It always got me off. And being married to a beautiful woman? The secret of being gay in the closet always got me off when having sex with her. In my body and in my mind, any sex I ever had, with Katie or any other woman, or while masturbating as a chronic masturbator, masturbating to the secret I hid in the closet, or while in the flesh engaging in gay sex with another guy, I could never disassociate any type of sex from the tingly, naughty sensation of closet homosexuality.

Sex that day with Katie was so hot and lovingly tender, I loved sex with her. She made my cock hard, always. Why did I always think about sucking cock and acting like a flaming femme fairy when I had sex with her? As Katie and I made love, fantasies about me trooping around in nothing but high heels, stockings and skimpy panties for a lover like Dan, as he forced his masculinity on me, clouded my right mind as my wife and I made love. It must have been the feminine connection of wearing panties and sucking cock so long ago with Johnny that was a switch I could never flip off.

When Johnny got me drunk and put me in panties and made me suck his cock, that was the start. He was cool, he made it fun, he made it seem natural that I should enjoy acting femme and faggy wearing panties sucking his cock. Johnny wasn't a jerk or an alpha about it at all, he just found me receptive to his urges and was beyond happy that I was amenable to sucking his cock. Come on now, guys of that age are always so hard and horny, it was like a secret sex club; Johnny got his cock serviced by an eager younger guy and I was intoxicated by the forbidden taboo nature of what we were doing with each other. It drove me crazy how hard it made my penis wearing his sister's panties while sucking his cock.

The imprint on my penis and my mind never left me. Johnny and I were engaging in closet homosexual activities, no one knew how exciting or how fun our many ejaculations together were. No wonder, as time went on, I would always seek out a cock to suck. No one needed to know. By the time I hooked up with Dan, I was ripe to be feminized. Wearing panties and sucking Johnny's cock was exciting, but when Dan encouraged me to dress up for him in high heels, stockings, lingerie, dresses, wigs and makeup, it opened a gay vista inside of me that frightened me and excited me in equal parts. I was so afraid about my closet homosexuality, afraid that no one could ever know I was a closet queen.

That day making love to Katie, my desire and fantasy to act out my effeminate homosexuality with another man that took me over the falls. Twice. Something about the thought and remembrance of being in nothing but high heels, stockings and skimpy panties, my dick hard as another man played with it, made me crazy with lust even while screwing my lovely wife. While Katie and I had just had the most loving and intimate sex romp for quite some time, it was a bit unsettling that hidden from her was the vividness in my mind of my homosexual fantasies during our lovemaking.

During sex, my mind always ran series upon series of sex clips like scrolling wildly through porn sites. Often it was a favorite scene or fantasy that I would zero in on to climax; other times new, wilder and more taboo scenes would take me over the edge. The sensations of physical sexual activity, sex with my wife or while masturbating, always were blurred in my mind by the repeated scenes of me sucking cock. And when I was sucking cock, that sensation of cock filling my mouth, its taste, the homosexual act, the arousal of making another guy ejaculate in my mouth, the luscious taste of semen, these were the beacons of my sexuality that made my penis ache.

In my arousal in the sensuous loving arms of my wife that day, screwing her and then being given a hand job after licking clean her semen sopped pussy I had just ejaculated into, my mind ran away with many naughty devious desires. In my mind, I could not help but act out my innate femme fagginess that always triggered a sensation of gayness pushing me over the edge to ejaculation. And the ejaculations were always phenomenal. it's not like I even tried anymore to have heterosexual fantasies bring me to climax, the homosexual fantasies would always push them aside.

In some ways it ate at me during the week, at work, at home, driving around, that my fantasy of acting gay in high heels and panties hoping for a new appreciative male lover would not go away. It gave me a hard on many, many times. Guilt racked me because it seemed Katie and I had progressed in some ways and we even fucked two Saturdays in a row, like I wasn't cucked anymore. The third Saturday she was "off limits" because of the time of month, but she gave me a hand job while topless in jeans with me in her panties, like she loved me enough to get me off and indulge my kink. Unfortunately, I was a basket case of desire to act gay and during that hand job in panties from Katie. Just before ejaculation I knew hooking up with another guy with me in high heels and panties like I did with Kevin, and before that with Dan, was something I really wanted again, regardless of Katie's seemingly affectionate change. Simply by accepting and deciding to have another effeminate gay affair with it made my orgasm a stunning affirmation of my decision.

With Kevin, our flame had quieted. Things were appearing better and on track with me and Katie; I was still married, while he was divorced and single. I got hard every time I thought about the "quickie" we recently enjoyed, not to mention the gay weekend we had together and especially when Katie saw us suck each other off. He told me he was dating another guy, so I was on my own, it seemed more appropriate to cool it with him. The thought of being a femme fag for another guy would not leave me alone. If I was a psychologist, I would surmise that the lovely times back when I was Dan's femme fairy lover had triggered something in my being that hit on a nerve that would never stop aching.

The fire inside me, from that recent hand job from Katie when my resolve told me to seek out another gay encounter, had produced a stunning ejaculation. Now it seemed I was in the wilderness of my desires. I didn't feel it was right to hook up at Grindr or something similar, it seemed creepy. Then, seemingly in an unrelated event, something happened. There was an outside business contractor who did business with our company, Jay Reynolds. Karissa had a lot of interaction with him, and he had seen me a few times in the office. Again, my gaydar was pretty faulty but apparently Jay told Karissa that I was "cute, too bad I was married". With Karissa informing Jay about her seeing me at Raul's gay party, that moved things along. It was flattering that gay men found me attractive. Karissa passed along what Jay had told her about his interest in me and would I like to contact him? Gay men are much more direct in their intentions and for me being on the receiving side of another man's interest, I can't begin to tell you how hard it made my penis.

Jay had passed along his email address, so it was up to me to contact him. How do you think that made me feel? Right, I was elated to find out more and this was a safe and hidden way to proceed. After my initial message I sent to him, I was on pins and needles as to whether he'd contact me back. Must have checked my secret email address every half hour and when he finally did the next day, butterflies burst forth in a cloud of anticipation. We traded a few emails and one night after Katie had gone to bed, Jay and I met for an online chat:

ME: Hi!

JAY: Well, hello Bobby, very nice to hear from you. Are you OK with this?

ME: I can't begin to tell you how exciting this is. I'm married, you know. Are you okay with that?

JAY: I understand, I was married once.

ME: Why would you be interested in me with a city full of single guys?

JAY: Because it seems like I know you. I am selective and a good judge of character and have an intuition about you.

ME: But married men are so hard to connect with, I can't say that I'd be very available. I'd love to try though. I'm flattered.

JAY: You're a doll Bobby, something about you tells me it would be wonderful.

ME: You have no idea. I recently hooked up with a divorced guy. It was fabulous.

JAY: Oh, you did? That's very interesting to know.

Me: He told me that married closet homosexuals are the most passionate lovers.

JAY: Are you a closet homosexual, Bobby? If you admitted that to me, could you admit it to your wife? How do you think she would take it?

ME: I've been sucking cock and more from the closet sine before college. I've told Katie a little, but she doesn't know the whole story. Honestly, I'm not sure how she'd take it if I told her I was gay. I know she thinks I have very bisexual fantasies.

JAY: I think she might be okay knowing that you are on the gay side of bisexual, I have a premonition. Are you okay with it? Most married guys fight it that they might be gay.

ME: I can tell you my story, if you are interested.

JAY: Would love to hear it.

ME: It started right out of high school. Johnny, the older brother of my best friend Alex, invited me over to drink some beer and get high, when Alex, his parents and hottie sister were all out of town. It was a Friday night. Johnny and I had a good buzz going and started looking at some girlie magazines. He was always very friendly to me. We were pretty baked and there was a little sexual tension in the air, and he asked me if I wanted to see his sister's panty drawer. I tried to decline, but he insisted. She was a hottie and being so high it was very exciting.

JAY: Wow.

ME: He let me look through her panties and I was so hard. He told me to pick out a couple of pairs and we went to his room; I had no idea what was going on. When he told me I'd look good in a pair of his sister's panties, I didn't know what to say and shook my head, no I can't. Johnny just said "do it, now. I know you want to."

JAY: .....and?

ME: It was so taboo and exciting seeing her panties, but I was so high, touching her panties made my penis tingle. I took off my clothes and pulled on a pair of Liz's silky string bikini panties. They were pink with little flowers on them and a pink bow.

JAY: 'bet you looked cute in them.

ME: I was so hard and so high, it just happened so fast. Johnny rubbed my penis through the panties and put my hand on his crotch through his pants as he took off his shirt. When he took off the rest of his clothes, his cock was sticking out hard and I started playing with it.

JAY: I'm hard just hearing about it. Go on.

ME: All he said was "do it, I know you want to." I knew what he wanted. He pushed me to my knees as I held onto his cock. I put it in my mouth. I didn't know what I should do or how to do it.

JAY: You sucked his cock. Wow.

ME: Yeah, I sucked it best I could. Didn't know what I should be doing. He seemed to like it.

JAY: Did you like it?

ME: I guess I did. I was so hard, it tasted and felt funny in my mouth. My cock was hard as stone when I had it in my mouth. He pulled me up onto his bed and I almost naturally took his cock back in my mouth. Johnny rubbed my penis through his sister's panties and that made me suck on his cock like I wanted to please him.