Westrons Pt. 28

WESTRONS Part 28

I was waiting to see Kanitz, when Berandot came out of her office. We were both surprised: we hadn’t seen each other since Aneli’s estate.

“The Chancellor said that you put in a good word for me.” said Berandot.

- “I told her that you weren’t involved in the plot, and that you were a prisoner, just as I was.”

- “I don’t understand. That was your chance to finally sink me - to put me down for good.”

- “You were innocent, Berandot.”

She seemed to have trouble grasping the concept that I wouldn’t stoop to lying in order to destroy her. The idea that someone else might act honourably didn’t make sense. Or perhaps it was because I was a male, and an outlander.

So I tried to put it in terms that she could understand.

“Look: you’re a complete bitch, Berandot. But you’re a competent General, when you want to be - and we don’t have a surplus of those.”

“I think that you could still serve the Queen effectively - if you just ... dropped the attitude.”

She didn’t answer. But from the look in her eyes, Berandot was trying to chew glass without opening her mouth.

“I can’t forgive what you said. And what you did.” I told her. “And I’m not about to forget them, either. Maybe I should - but I’m not that big a person.”

“Some day, though, we may have to cooperate again. It could be another Rassbrook, but you’d know in advance that it was me.”

“So I won’t bring up the past, if you don’t.”

She left without answering. I had to hope that she’d heard me.

***

Isa came to the Palace with me, several times.

She met my children, Oscel and Caneia, Tonola, and little Howe. Tonola, as was her wont, tried to monopolize my time. She was successful enough that I didn’t notice, at first, that my Penchen lover was deep in conversation with the head of the nursery: Princess Maia Simonia.

Themis and Isa. What could they possibly have in common, to talk about? Other than me, I mean?

Life as a mercenary? Palace maintenance?

Tonola could tell that she didn’t have my undivided attention.

- “You’re not listening.” she said.

- “It’s a beautiful flower.” I said, quickly.

- “IT’S A TREE!”

The Princess and the Penchen were laughing. At me, no doubt.

- “I’m sorry, Tonola.” I said. “Is this a real tree? Or did you imagine it?”

- “Of course it’s a real tree.” said Tonola, with that exaggerated patience that the very young reserve for their distracted elders.

I managed to salvage a little dignity before Isa came to take me home.

- “Did you ... have a good time?” I asked, once we were outside the Palace.

- “She’s wonderful. And beautiful. I could see, right away, why you fell in love with her.”

That may sound like a perfectly normal reaction, on Isa’s part, except for one small detail: in all our time together, I’d never said a word about Themis.

- “How ..? What ...?”

- “She loves you, Cook. It’s frighteningly obvious. And it certainly didn’t sound unrequited.”

- “Unrequited?”

- “You obviously love her, too. Tonola is her daughter, isn’t she?”

It took me some time to gather my scattered wits.

- “I didn’t tell you about her, because ...”

- “She’s the Queen’s sister. And married. I understand. You don’t have to say anything more. But ... if you want to tell me about her ... was she before Tallia?”

It didn’t come out all at once, but I ended up telling Isa a great deal more about my life in the Westron Kingdom than I’d intended to.

Normally, I wouldn’t recommend talking about previous lovers with your present lover - but Isa wanted to know - so that she could understand me better.

On our way back to the Belere, Isa fell silent. When I glanced at her, I saw a tear forming in the corner of her eye.

I immediately took her in my arms. “What is it, love?” I asked.

- “I just ... sometimes I wish that I could give you a child.” she said.

I kissed her eyelids. “Not necessary. Not at all. I couldn’t love you more. And I have more than enough children as it is.”

- “That’s true.” she said, with a sniff. She tried to smile.

- “Is this because of the nursery at the Palace? Or because of Tallia?”

- “A bit of both.” she admitted.

***

Tallia gave birth to healthy baby boy.

- “Thank goodness.” whispered Tisucha, her mother. I don’t think that I was supposed to hear that.

But I understood her sense of relief. Everyone in the house had been on pins for needles for weeks, wondering - and worrying - about whether Tallia’s child would be ... normal.

I felt the tension, and shared some of their concern, but for a different reason.

From my perspective, there was no standard for ‘normal’ in the land of hemmer and hybrids. Adding Penchens to the mix ... well, would it have been so horrible for the child to be born Penchen?

What everyone was afraid of, of course, was that the baby would be genderless - forever. That it would be Penchen, like its father, but unable to go into hemmer, like its mother. There was simply no precedent, no standard, for a Penchen-Westron offspring - especially when the mother was half-’Pylosian’.

My concern was more for Tallia. She was plainly suffering, long before the delivery.

They named him Berand, after a famous Penchen.

- “One of our first rulers.” Isa explained.

Three weeks later, Senau changed again.

Back to a genderless Penchen.

***

It was a terrible blow to Tallia. I don’t know how Senau took it - he’d never confided in me. But he didn’t say a word to Isa, either.

- “Rotten luck.” said Grandfather Talley.

After only a few days, Isa and I could feel the atmosphere in the Belere. If Tallia’s luck was ‘rotten’, then Isa’s and mine was too good. We hadn’t done anything - but our continued presence made everyone else uncomfortable.

I took Isa on a tour of the land the Queen was granting me. It had belonged to General Brune, which didn’t bother me at all. Koroba and Nasta came with us. I found that I was relieved not to have to deal with Ishana.

Isa and I were in completely uncharted territory. Her Change had begun well before Senau’s - and here we were, still together, long afterwards.

- “I still can’t believe it.” I said - about four times a day.

- “It is what it is.” she replied, every time. “Just accept it, and enjoy.”

- “I know. It’s just ... I’m so accustomed to you now ... what will I do when ...”

- “When I change back?”

- “Yes.” I knew that it was the wrong question. I just couldn’t help myself.

- “Are you going to be sad, every time you see me?” she asked. “Will you cry, every time we make love?”

“Smile, Cook. Smile when you see me. Please.”

- “You’re so right. I’m sorry, Isa.” I said. “I’ve been trying to think like a Westron for so long ... with limited success ... now I need to think like a Penchen.”

- “You don’t, you know. Just enjoy the day with me, and hold me close. Let tomorrow worry about itself.”

- “Easy to say. Harder to do. For me, anyway.”

- “You know,” she said, “half the time that people worry, there’s really nothing to worry about. And 40% of the time, there’s nothing they can do about it, anyway.”

“If you worry about the rain, you’ll never go outside. And if you fear a bullet, what on earth would possess you to go onto a battlefield?”

- “You win.” I said. “I concede. You’re much too wise for me.”

- “Am I?” she said, with that wonderful little tilt of her head that had so attracted me, from the very beginning.

- “Beautiful, intelligent, wise beyond measure, generous, selfless ...”

- “I’m not so selfless. Do you think Koroba and Nasta would mind if we spent most of the afternoon indoors?”

***

There was no change in the war situation. The Crolians continued to fight each other, which might have suited us, in one way, except that without a government, they couldn’t make peace.

The Westrons had to maintain three armies - and Kanitz had to decide if the Queen could afford to continue employing eight Penchen regiments.

- “I’m afraid that we can’t afford not to.” she said.

The regiments - and their Colonels - were given alternating leaves. Everyone took their turn keeping watch on the new frontiers, and aggressively patrolling into Crolian territory, to discover what was going on.

Isa and I spent three months, camped on occupied land, with a small army. At first, it was Neslann and Votuda, Avette and Cyrte, along with the Penchen regiments.

Then it was Semmana, Faregil and Frad - and Tudino.

We spent most of our evenings with Tudino.

- “I adore her.” said Isa. “If I hadn’t met you, I think I might have changed for someone like Tudino.”

- “You should tell her so.” I suggested.

Isa promptly did so, that very night. Tudino was mortified - and flattered.

After a few glasses of wine, the talk turned to sex.

“I keep thinking that I should ... learn to fly on my own.” said Tudino.

- “You want to try out another partner?” asked Isa.

- “Well ... I do, and I don’t. Part of me wonders if I could. But part of me wonders if I could find another lover like Cook.”

- “You won’t.” said Isa.

- “I’m right here.” I said. “Or would you two prefer that I leave the tent?”

They simply ignored me.

- “The grass isn’t always greener, you know.” said Isa. “And you’ve been with him. Do you honestly think that you’ll find someone better? Someone who loves you more?”

Tudino shook her head. “I know that he does. He’s ... told me. But I don’t want -”

- “To take him away from me?”

Isa stood up, and went over to Tudino. She crouched next to her chair, and whispered into Tudino’s ear.

They spoke to each other, too quietly for me to hear.

- “Should I leave for a while?” I asked.

- “YES!” they both shouted at me.

I stood up - a little unsteadily, and left the tent.

Koroba materialized next to me.

- “Alright, Cook?”

- “I think so.” I said. “They’re talking about me. I think.”

- “Must be rough.” she said. “Two incredible women who love you.”

Two?

I’d had a little bit to drink. My thinking wasn’t especially clear, or quick. But I did a little counting, in my muddled head.

Isa. Tudino.

Koroba. Esyle.

Tallia and Kanitz.

Themis.

Two would have been relatively easy.

Actually, one is difficult enough.

***

The Crolian War drifted along, seemingly endless. Isa didn’t change back, as Senau had. General Leydz and the bulk of the Penchen soldiers stared at her, in awe. Not only had she changed for a non-Penchen, but the length of her Change was also unprecedented.

She faced daily questions, envious glances, and even some spiteful jealousy.

Koroba asked for a short leave.

- “I think ... for my next hemmer, I have to go with somebody else.” she said. “I ... I met someone, when we were in Cercen.”

- “I understand.”

- “Do you? I know that Avette did the same thing - and that she regretted it. She gave up a sure thing, for a stunning disappointment. And I know, firsthand, that you’re a wonderful lover ...”

- “Thank you. So are you.”

- “Yeah. Well ... I need to know it if it was just the time, or the circumstances. And I really like this male. He ... I think he’s in love with me.”

- “That’s wonderful!”

- “I hope so.” she said.

- “Does this mean you won’t be teasing or flirting with me anymore?” I asked.

She grinned, and shook her head. “‘Course I will.”

***

Isa and I returned to the capital in the fall. Away from all of the scrutiny by her fellow Penchens, she was able to relax a little more. But the atmosphere at the Belere was still heavily charged.

Talley was irritable - no big surprise there. But Tisucha was grumpy, too, and barely spoke a word to Tallia. Senau remained a gloomy, slightly grim presence.

He’d chosen not to return to the army, but to stay with Tallia and their child. Since Isa was still with me, there was a precedent.

But even Esyle was upset. Gentle, loving Esyle, who so rarely had an unkind word to say about anyone, wanted to vent her feelings. I listened attentively.

She wasn’t angry at Isa. Senau, she could’ve done without. But Esyle was mostly angry with her sister.

- “You have to talk to her, Cook.”

- “Sweetheart, I know she just had a baby. But she’s in mourning. The Senau she grew to love is ... gone.”

Esyle remained silent, for a while.

- “You’re going to be devastated, when Isa changes back, aren’t you?”

- “Yes.” I’d thought of it for months, and I was no closer to accepting that eventuality.

- “I’m sorry.” Esyle was close to tears.

We made love, gently, sweetly. Afterwards, she clung to me, and cried softly against my chest.

- “I’ll talk to Tallia.” I promised.

- “You have to.” said Esyle. “Who better to understand what she’s going through?”

***

Esyle packed us a lunch, and sent us out on a picnic. “I don’t want to see you back before dark.” she said.

We walked in silence for a while. Tallia seemed oddly uncomfortable with me.

- “How are you feeling?” I asked.

- “They’re all angry with me.” she said. “I’m surrounded by family, but I’m all alone.”

- “I’m not angry. And I’m here.”

- “Are you, Cook? Really?”

I was a bit shocked by the emotion in her voice. The hurt. We walked down to the river - to a spot very close to where I’d taken Esyle on out first date. I spread the blanket, and Tallia dutifully sat down beside me.

“I’m sorry.” she said.

- “Tell me, Tallia. Tell me all of it.”

- “I’ve thought about it for a long time. How I would tell you everything. From the very beginning. And every time I rehearsed the words in my head, I realized, more and more, that it wasn’t your fault.”

“And that made me furious.”

She swore, and shook her head. “I don’t even know where to start.”

- “Start at the beginning.”

- “Fine. I never wanted to be like my parents. I wanted you, and I wanted to share you with Esyle. I didn’t want to stand between you and Aneli, or Kanitz. Or Langoret, or anybody.”

“I thought that if I let you go and experience hemmers with Westron females, that ... that you would still come back to me.”

- “And Esyle.”

- “Yes.” She hung her head. “I knew that I could have you ... more, than Esyle. That I would come first. It wasn’t so easy, with Kanitz, but ... I managed. We had the army, together - and Kanitz wasn’t there.”

“I was selfish. And jealous. Exactly what I’d promised myself I would never be.”

- “You were always first.” I said.

She nodded. “I know. Until Isa.”

“I never minded Tudino, or Avette. Or Koroba. Two or three days, and you’d come back to me. But Isa ...”

- “I didn’t choose that, Tallia.”

- “No. You followed your heart. I understand. Of course I understand. The Change works both ways.”

“Senau isn’t you. He’s ... completely different. But that’s partly why he’s so special, to me. He’s all mine.”

“I tried not to be jealous. To accept sharing you. But I didn’t have to share Senau. It was ... wonderful, to have someone devoted to me. To me alone. I finally began to understand my mother.”

“She doesn’t see it that way, of course ..”

I put my arm around Tallia’s shoulders, and she hunched closer to me, tucking herself into my chest.

“We both followed our hearts.” she said. “I know what Isa means to you.”

- “I still love you, Tallia. I always will.”

- “I love you, too. I still want to be with you. I’m just ... not so happy to share, anymore. I’m jealous of Tudino. Of Esyle.”

“But if I could have you all to myself, I’d still be unhappy. I’d be miserable, knowing that I was making Esyle unhappy, and keeping you from Kanitz, and Tudino ...”

She cried her eyes out, the great sobs racking her entire body, so that she shook and trembled against me. I held her close, and let it pour out of her.

***

Isa and I returned to the army camp. She was growing more accustomed to her role as a Penchen legend, as her Change approached its second anniversary.

Ishana didn’t come with us. Koroba, Nasta and Madze served as my bodyguards.

I asked Koroba how her hemmer had been.

- “It was ... alright.”

- “Just alright?”

She hung her head. “No. It was good. It was wonderful, actually. I just didn’t want you to feel as if ...”

- “As if you’d found someone better? I was hoping you had!”

- “You’re not ... disappointed?”

- “Koroba, I’m very fond of you. I enjoyed every moment we spent together. But if you’ve found someone that loves you - and you feel the same - then I couldn’t be happier for you.”

- “I ... thank you, Cook.”

Of course I really was a little bit jealous. Koroba was a treat. But if she could be happier with this guy, I really had to try to think like a Westron - especially after Tallia’s experience.

***

I was getting better, with Isa. I woke in the morning, to find that she was still female, and celebrated the moment. We worked together, told each other stories, and made love at every opportunity. Each time, I tried to treat it as if it might be our last.

But Isa wasn’t living entirely in the present. Or the future. She remembered our recent past - all too well.

- “You’ve never actually explained to me where you learned to speak Penchen.” she said.

- “That’s -”

- “Difficult for you to tell. Obviously. Otherwise, you would have told me long ago. But where are all of the other Pylosians, Cook? You and Talley seem to be the only two. No one I know has even seen a Pylosian for over a decade.”

“And there’s something else: no one seems to know where Pylos is. Isn’t that strange? No one I’ve spoken to even knows someone who’s been there.”

Like Kanitz, Isa was too damned intelligent. Curiosity had led her to investigate. The answers she turned up - or the lack of answers - only pushed her to look harder.

Kanitz suspected a great deal. But she’d never pressed me. Should I deflect? Distract? I couldn’t lie to Isa.

“You’re not answering.” she said. “Should I stop asking these questions, Cook?”

- “No, Isa. If anyone has a right to know, you do.”

I took her out of the camp, and asked Madze and Nasta to give us some space. I didn’t want them to overhear a single word. It was growing dark, and a little cool. I wrapped a blanket over Isa’s shoulders, like a shawl.

We sat on the grass, and I told Isa what had happened to me at AFOTA. It’s surprisingly easy to tell the truth. The story flowed naturally. Being Penchen, she had no trouble understanding the concept of a military academy, with cadets.

She also understood favouritism, nepotism, and entrenched privileges.

Vanova was a part of the story, and I didn’t skip over anything related to her. Isa didn’t interrupt; she simply reached over to squeeze my hand. Otherwise, she just tilted her head to one side - and listened.

Karpov, Katya, Colonel Pelek ... she understood all of it. The Halygon was a bit more of a problem; I simply described it as a ship. I didn’t mention how long the trip had taken.

I skipped ahead, to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern marooning me in the first port town we came to.

- “That’s ... an incredible story.” she said. “And I believe that it’s all true. Did losing Vanova hurt you, Cook? Did you truly love her?”

- “No, Isa. I liked her very much. But we would have been separated when I graduated, in any case. I would have been posted ... far away.”

- “How far?” she asked, innocently.

It takes much longer to think of a plausible lie than it does to tell the truth. And I didn’t want to lie to Isa.

“I believe you, Cook. I believe that you were a cadet at AFOTA, and that you fell afoul of the Commander. I believe that you were exiled.”

“But that doesn’t explain why Talley is here - unless he’s another exile. Nor do I understand why Pylosians used to come here frequently - but no longer.”

“And you haven’t said a word about where Pylos actually is. You told me the truth - but you left out quite a bit - wouldn’t you agree?”