What Do I Do?

'I've been feeling that I should chicken out and just ask you to forget about it. But I thought, actually, I've already done it now. So I just wanted to say, I'm serious. I really would like to. Well. Yeah. I'm serious.'

'Okay. I think...' Peter began.

'Can we actually talk about it. Or is it just a no. Because if it's no can you just say no and then that's that.'

'Beckie, you know I'm married...'

'Yes I know and I know you're too nice a person to cheat on your wife and I'm sorry I've even suggested that you might. So it's no then.'

'No.'

'Fine. That's fine,' she made moves to leave, 'I can go die in a hole now.'

'No, I mean, not no, I mean...'

At that moment a small group of students burst into the room, for their next session.

Peter spun and, rather more aggressively than he intended, shouted 'give me just a minute please.'

He turned back to Beckie in a fluster.

'Can my wife talk to you about this?' he asked quietly.

'You told her? She'll kill me,' Beckie said in alarm.

'No not at all. Yes, I did tell her about it and she does not want to kill you. Erm. Please. Would you talk to her about it?'

'Why?' Beckie asked, looking like a startled rabbit in car headlights.

'Because, we thought it might help. She said that she understands how you feel.'

'Really?'

'Yes.'

There was a knock on the door. Peter looked over his shoulder and saw that it was another lecturer. He waved her in.

He turned back to Beckie and said, 'think about it and text me. You've got my number haven't you?'

'Yeah.'

'Okay. Catch you later.'

And with that, Peter fled the room.

*****

'Hello lovely,' Molly picked up the phone.

'Hi,' Peter said tersely.

'You all right?'

'No.'

'What's up?'

'I just told Beckie that you would speak to her.'

'Oh. Shit.'

'Yeah.'

'So we're going with this then. I didn't think we had actually agreed to...'

'Yes I know. I panicked.'

'Why?'

'She caught me after the lecture. And my students were leaving. And a bunch of other students were trying to come in. And you talking to her was the only plan that we'd formulated, so that's the plan that came to mind.'

'Right.'

'Sorry.'

'Okay.'

'Will you speak to her?'

'Well I thought we would think about it and talk about it a bit more, before diving in with what we talked about last night.'

'Yes, I know. I'm sorry.'

'Still, I suppose I can talk to her and say no. If that's what we want.'

'Yes, that's true.'

'So when have I got to see her.'

'Oh, no, I don't know. She didn't agree that she would speak to you. She's going to let me know.'

*****

[BECKIE] Hi Peter. If your wife is going to say no, I don't want to meet her. It's nice that she might want to explain, but I would rather you just text back that it's no. Beckie

The message arrived just as Molly was coming downstairs from having put Katie to bed.

'Beckie just texted,' Peter said. 'And, can I just check, that you know several students have my mobile number, like there are loads, it's not that I just happen to have just Beckie's number.'

'Yes I know. Don't worry. What does she say?' Molly asked.

'She doesn't want to meet you if it's a no. Do you want to read it?'

Molly took the phone and read the message.

'Now what?' Peter asked.

'Text back saying it's not a no.'

'But then she'll assume it's a yes, won't she?'

'Okay. Say we're undecided and would like to talk to her about it.'

Peter paced around the kitchen, before saying, 'but then she may not agree, because it might end up a no.'

'Well, if she does she does,' Molly shrugged, 'or tell her that we're leaning towards yes, but that I want to meet her to completely make up my mind.'

'Then we're setting her up to think it's likely. She'll be more disappointed then if you don't like her.'

Molly shrugged again, 'can't have it both ways.'

'Okay. So keep it simple. Tell her we're undecided?'

'Yep.'

'We're undecided, or you're undecided?' Peter asked.

'We are. It should be a joint decision.'

'Yeah.'

Peter's thumb hovered over his phone.

'If I say this, then she will know that I am actually contemplating sleeping with her,' he looked up at his wife, 'am I?'

'Are you?'

'Yes, but in what feels like a very theoretical way up until now. If I tell her I am, then I kind of am for real.'

'Yep.'

'I could just say, okay it's a no, and that would be it.'

'Uh huh.'

'Do you want to do this? Are we going to do this? Actually. You see I have trouble just saying it! But I've got to. Are we actually considering, the two of us, sleeping with someone else; having sex? I don't know how much of us second guessing each other is affecting what we're saying, if you know what I mean?'

'Why don't we both write down our answer, yes or no, to that question? And then neither of us has to answer first. So we're not influencing each other. If either of us says no, then that's the end of it.'

'Okay.'

Peter ripped a page out of a notepad and then tore it in half. He handed one piece to his wife.

'I've only got one pen here,' he said.

'There'll be a pencil in the living room, I'll go in there,' Molly responded.

'Okay. Stay and write in there. I don't want to try and second guess your expression.'

'Okay.'

She left.

'And we're going to write honestly,' she called from the other room, 'and not worry about what each other will think of the answer?'

'Okay,' he called back.

'And the question is, are you considering a threesome? Not yes or no to do it, but yes or no to seriously consider actually doing it.'

A tense minute passed.

'How are you getting on?' Peter called.

'I'm done,' Molly called back.

Peter walked into the living room. 'Me to,' he said as he sat down next to his wife on the sofa.

'Swap.'

They passed their folded notes to each other.

'Okay, go on then.'

They both opened the notes.

They had both written yes.

Peter let out a big sigh, 'that was tense.'

'Yeah.'

The both looked at each other for a moment before Molly said, 'okay, so you're going to text her that it's not a no; we are undecided; and that's why I want to meet her?'

'Right.' Peter confirmed.

'And if she texts back that she doesn't want to meet me?'

'Let's deal with the reply when it happens shall we?'

'Yes. Yes. Go on then.'

Peter typed out the message onto his phone.

'Fucking hell,' he said, and pressed send.

[PETER] It's not a no. We are undecided. That's why Molly wants to meet you, to discuss it.

They both sat next to each other, fidgeting and looking around their living room for several minutes.

'This is silly,' Peter said eventually, 'she could take any amount of time to reply.'

'Yes. Activity,' Molly said and stood up.

'Yes, I'll do the washing up.'

Molly set about tidying Katie's toys that were strewn across the floor. Just as Peter got the washing up gloves on and the water running, his phone buzzed.

He pulled the gloves off inside out and dropped them into the wet sink.

'Bugger,' he swore as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

Molly was at his side, looking at his phone as he opened the message.

[BECKIE] Are you sure she's not going to kill me?

'Say yes,' Molly said as Peter already started typing it.

[PETER] Yes. She is not angry with you at all. She just wants to talk

They both stood looking at the phone for thirty long seconds.

[BECKIE] Okay. I'll meet her

'Great,' Molly exhaled and put her arm around Peter. He turned and embraced her in a tight hug.

Over the next fifteen minutes, texts buzzed back and forth, as they made arrangements for when and where to meet. They managed to arrange the day after next.

Just when Peter and Molly were concluding that the conversation was done, another message arrived.

[BECKIE] So you are actually considering it then?

[PETER] Yes

[BECKIE] You're amazing. Both of you. Thank you X

*****

Chapter 4

'Fuck, I'm nervous,' Molly said as she paced up and down. She was just around the corner from the café where they had arranged to meet Beckie.

'You'll be fine,' Peter said on the other end of the phone, 'Beckie's nice.'

'Well I should hope so, considering what we're considering,' Molly tried to relieve some tension with humour. Peter laughed obligingly.

'Right, it's time. I've got to go,' she said, 'are you sure about our decision?'

'Yes.'

'It's just it feels like we've gone fairly quickly from agreeing that we will consider it, to actually positively agreeing that we both want to do it. It's only been like a day from one to the other!'

'I'm happy for you to make the final decision,' Peter assured her.

'That scares me though. I don't want to have that responsibility on my own.'

'No. Poor choice of words. I don't want you to feel like it's all your responsibility'

'Hmmm,' Molly murmured.

'Let's summarise what we talked about last night then. We both agree that marriage is about committing to go through life together and enjoying it together. So if we are going to try something new, if we do it together it's a strength of our marriage.'

'Yes.'

'We both think that variety is the spice of life. That variety keeps things interesting. And when it comes to sex, neither of us is unhappy with the other, at all. When it comes to sex, we both acknowledge that changing things about occasionally will keep it fresh and exciting, and as long as we try out new things together our own special intimacy with be maintained, as long as we're honest with each other.'

'Yes.'

'We both accept that being married, and being in love, doesn't make us blind to other people that we find attractive, and attractive in different ways.'

'Yep.'

'So, all of this so far, to me feels like we could have had this conversation, without having been prompted by this thing with Beckie, and we would have come to the same conclusions.'

'Yep.'

'So the new stuff, as it were, that we have learnt, from this situation, is actually that we have discovered, and correct me if I'm wrong, but basically you have discovered, having thought about it a bit, that there is something in you, that you have some element of sexual desire towards women. We are both open to the idea of you exploring this new found aspect of yourself. Is that fair?'

'Yeah.'

'We talked about me, and I don't have any bi-sexual interest. I'm only attracted to women. We talked about you possibly being interested in other men, but that although you find some other men sexy, you wouldn't want to actually act on it, because it would feel like cheating on me. You feel that you having sex with other women wouldn't feel like cheating because it's not as intimate as male-female intercourse. To put it bluntly, it's not like having another man inside you. When it comes to me having sex with other women, I also would not want to act on sexual attraction that I have to other women, because it would feel like cheating on you. But, if you were participating, and I knew you were enjoying it, then me having sex with another woman would be okay. It would be okay because I would enjoy the physical aspect of sex with another woman, because I enjoy variety; and emotionally it would be okay, because you would be attracted to both me and the other woman. So you would enjoying seeing me having fun with someone who you are also sexually excited by. Yeah?'

'Yes.'

'So basically, when we put all the pieces together. You find other women attractive. So do I. We both think variety, along with honesty, will keep our shared sex life alive and exciting. If we share new experiences together, it maintains our relationship and our private intimacy is not challenged. Therefore, it would be okay for us, together, to have a sexual experience with another woman that we are both attracted to.'

Peter took in a big breath.

'Is that where we're at?' he asked.

'Yes, I think so.' Molly replied.

'Where we stand right now then, is I find Beckie attractive and would be happy to share an experience with her and you. So I'm in on the deal, as it were. We don't yet know whether you find Beckie attractive and would want to share an experience. So in that sense, it's down to you to add the final piece of the puzzle, but this does not mean that you are making the decision about the whole thing. It's more like I've already got the info to do my part of the choice, but you haven't.'

'Yes, okay, that makes sense.' Molly replied more confidently.

'I'm happy for you to decide in the moment. Or not. You can always just meet and end it saying we're still undecided. But if you want to go for it and say yes, then go for it. You have my full support with whatever you do.'

'Okay. I'd better go.'

'Okay, good luck. Ring me when you're done. I'm just doing admin all afternoon.'

'Okay. Speak to you later.'

'I love you.'

'I love you too.'

'Bye.'

'Bye.'

'Bye.'

Molly jammed the phone into her pocket and strode around to the café.

Peter had chosen well. It wasn't too busy that she would have to be at a table too near anyone else, but it was busy enough for there to be a good background chatter.

Molly scanned the place and didn't see anyone sitting alone. She went and bought a coffee and then sat at a table that was as secluded as possible, and where she could see the entrance.

Twenty minutes later, she was about to leave, when the door opened and a young woman stepped in. Molly looked her up and down, taking in her whole appearance. She surprised herself at how decisively she found herself hoping that it was Beckie.

The newcomer looked around the café and made eye contact with Molly, who gave a small smile. After a moment of hesitation she walked towards the table.

'Are you Molly?

'Yes. Beckie I assume?'

'Hello,' Beckie said and stretched out her hand towards Molly.

They shook hands; Beckie taking slightly too firm a grip and shaking in a rather businesslike manner.

'Can I get you a coffee?' Molly asked, when she got her hand back.

'No thanks. I'm okay.'

'Okay. Please have a seat,' Molly nodded at the chair opposite.

As she sat down, Molly imagined she could visually see the confidence evaporate away from this pretty young woman. She sat with her hands under the table and her eyes cast down. Molly could instantly understand what Peter had meant when he described her as having a shy sexiness. She was very pretty; her almond shaped face, with high cheekbones and delicate lips, was framed by a cascade of long, straight hair.

Beckie sat staring intently at the centre of the table.

Molly took a deep breath and said, 'I won't bite.'

Looking up at Molly's warm smile, Beckie let out a small laugh.

'Sorry. I'm a bit nervous.'

Molly was struck by the beautiful, big eyes gazing at her. Accentuated by strong eyebrows, the eyes were deep and bright. They appeared vulnerable and passionate in equal amounts.

'Me too,' Molly replied.

'I never imagined this outcome. From my letter I mean.'

'No! It's a strange new situation for me too.'

They both smiled at each other.

'I don't really know what to say,' Molly began.

'I'm amazed you wanted to talk to me. I thought you'd be angry,' Beckie said very quietly.

'I'm not angry.'

'I didn't think Peter would tell you.'

Beckie suddenly added, 'though I didn't expect him to cheat on you. I was sure he wouldn't. He wouldn't do that. He's such a nice person. I don't know what I was thinking asking...'

'It's fine,' Molly interrupted, 'I know he wouldn't cheat on me. His initial response was entirely to turn you down. It was me who talked him into considering it, sort of.'

A flash of confusion registered on Beckie's features.

'You're wondering why I would do that,' Molly said.

Beckie nodded silently.

'A friend of mine nudged me to be more open-minded. My initial response had been the same as Peter. Just to say no. But I thought about it a bit more, and discovered that something appealed to me. And I surprised myself to be honest.'

Beckie listened intently. Molly quickly found that she had a very disarming way of maintaining a very intense eye contact.

'So, I skirted around the subject with Peter,' Molly continued, 'and then we just sort of arrived at a similar conclusion. Also, I think I understand how you feel.'

'You do?' Beckie chirped.

'I think so. I was slightly older than you when I had my first time.'

'Really? But you're so pretty?'

Molly leaned in as she said, 'so are you.'

This caused Beckie to shrink down again. Her eyes dipped back down to the table and the rush of self-consciousness forced a small, nervous smile onto her lips.

A thought suddenly occurred to Molly.

'Beckie. Can I ask you a personal question? Have you had a bad experience with someone? A bad sexual experience I mean.'

'I've never had much luck with boyfriends,' Beckie said with her eyes down, 'that's why I haven't lost it yet.'

'Okay. What I mean is; has anyone ever forced you to do anything you didn't want to?' Molly asked softly.

Beckie looked up.

'No. No nothing like that. I've just had, well, all of my boyfriends, though that makes it sound like I've had loads, and I haven't; they've all wanted to go further than me.'

'Okay,' Molly quietly let out a sigh of relief. 'I'm sorry I had to ask. It just occurred to me, that if you'd had, you know, an abusive experience, that this idea is probably not a good idea.'

'No, I've not had anything like that thankfully. I was trying to think how it's come to this. I think perhaps that, for some reason I got quite a lot of attention from boys from quite an early age, well before I was sixteen, I just formed a habit of saying no. And I'm still saying no. But I can't keep saying no forever.'

As Beckie rushed through her explanation, Molly could see her eyes glistening slightly brighter with wetness.

'That makes perfect sense. Plenty of girls...'

Molly stopped herself, 'I'm sorry, I meant, women.'

'That's okay. I feel like a girl,' Beckie whispered, and a big tear rolled suddenly down her cheek.

'Oh sweetheart!' Molly exclaimed, instantly feeling her own eyes watering. She pulled her handbag up onto her lap and started rummaging around.

'Here you go,' Molly said as she held out a tissue.

Beckie looked up and blinked; it sent an equally big droplet rolling down the other cheek.

'Thanks,' Beckie whispered as she dabbed her eyes.

'Listen, there are plenty of women, just like you, who've not yet had their first time.'

'I know,' Beckie sniffed, 'I just feel like the only one. And my flatmate shags like a rabbit, and.' Beckie slapped her hand over her mouth.

'Sorry,' Beckie said through her fingers.

'That's okay,' Molly smiled, 'I think we can speak fairly bluntly; given what we're here to discuss.'

Both women giggled.

'I guess,' Beckie said and then took a few slow breaths, as she calmed down.

'You said you had come to a conclusion?' she continued.

'I did?'

'You and Peter came to a similar conclusion?'

'Oh yes. Erm,' Molly laughed nervously, 'time for me to talk bluntly I guess.'

Molly took a deep breath. She looked at Beckie and then took the plunge.

'Peter and I; would like to say yes to your request.'

'Really?' Beckie's eyes lit up.

'With a few conditions, yes.'

'Okay.'

'Obviously, it stays private. And also, it can only happen once you're no longer a student.'

'Okay. That's okay,' Beckie said excitedly.

'And, there was one other thing,' Molly took another deep breath, 'I want to be there too.'

'Right,' Beckie hesitated, 'you mean?'

'Yes. Because otherwise, it would feel like Peter was doing it behind my back. Whereas if I'm part of it, it wouldn't.'

'That makes sense,' Beckie replied. She thought for a few moments, then continued, 'actually that's good. That's a good idea. I mean it's not what I imagined, but I'm happy with that. It'll be nice to have another woman in the room. Because I'm still a bit nervous, about, like, being in a room with a guy. And he wouldn't just be, like, hoping; he'd be expecting to do it. And if I chickened out, it would be a bit scary. I mean not that Peter would do anything I didn't want, I'm sure. But, do you know what I mean?'