What Dreams May Come

I pushed on the handle to open it, but it refused to budge. "I must not be ready to go outside yet," I mused. I turned back and returned to my seat. I started thinking, delving into my memories, trying to figure out who I was ...

***

... I slowly became aware that I was standing in a parking lot next to the beach. I noticed two young boys running around as Bonnie and I put our heads together to discuss our first move.

Bonnie said, "Boys, settle down. I want you to say hello to Virginia."

"Hi Virginia," piped the taller blond-haired boy enthusiastically.

"Hello Virginia," said the shorter brown-haired boy shyly.

I stuck out my hand to the taller boy and said, "Hi, I'm Virginia. You must be Matthew."

He took my hand, briefly shook it, and said, "Yes ...."

... I slowly became aware I was sitting at the dining room table, working on briefing notes. I was thinking that Col. Stevens would really appreciate what I gave him in the morning. As I worked, I realized that I was not alone. I looked up and saw Matthew with a worried look on his face and asked, "What's up, Matthew?"

He looked down as if he was embarrassed and asked, "Aunt Ginny, are you a lesbian? ...."

... I slowly became aware that I was standing by the railing of a pier, enjoying the view. I had my arms around two teenage boys, both taller than me. We were reminiscing about the first time I had met them when I had met Bonnie and them at the Manhattan Beach pier.

Matthew remembered it better than Mark did. He hugged me tight and said he remembered how happy his mother had been when she was getting them ready to go that morning. She was smiling and laughing so freely for the first time Matthew could remember. He started tearing up at the memory, and I hugged him back, tearing up a bit myself. I knew I had made Bonnie happy, but hearing it from someone else's perspective was refreshing. I thought it was great that Matthew had that memory of his mother...

... I slowly became aware that I was standing in a room where a ceremony was taking place. Standing there, I couldn't help but feel pride for the young man in uniform with his right hand raised. The Army officer, facing him with his right hand raised, said, "I, state your name, do solemnly swear ...."

He replied, "I, Matthew William Joseph Hanratty, do solemnly swear ...."

... I slowly became aware that I was having a conversation on the phone. I could barely hear Matthew with all of the static on the line, but I could sense the happiness in his voice as he said, "Mom? I made it! I pinned on my Captain bars today!"

I was so proud of Matthew that I thought my heart would explode. I said, "That's great, Matthew. I knew you could do it. ...."

... I slowly became aware that I was heading for the door, having heard the doorbell ring. Since I was expecting company, I went to the door and threw it open. When I saw the two uniformed officers standing there, the one by the door asking, "Mrs. Hanratty?" as the one directly facing me raised his right hand slowly to salute me, my world crashed down around me. I sank to my knees, screaming, "Noooo ...."

... I slowly became aware that I was standing over Bonnie's bed, looking down at her, her hand in mine.

"Hey, sweetie, I made it," I said, squeezing her hand.

"Virginia," whispered Bonnie, her eyes fluttering open, "I need you to make me a promise."

"Anything, my love," I said, knowing what she was going to ask me. Even though I didn't want to, I knew I would promise her what she wanted.

"Promise me you'll find someone to love. Please, dear. I don't want you to be alone the rest of your life," she said, gathering the last of her strength to make her request.

"Only if you promise me something in return," I said, tears streaming down my cheeks. "Promise me you'll wait for me...."

***

... "I promise I'll wait forever for you, my love ...."

... I started into awareness, Bonnie's words ringing in my ears. My eyes flew open, and I could see everything around me clearly. I looked out the window and saw that it was a sunny day. There were cars parked on the street, and I saw a tall man with brown hair and eyes walk up to the door and enter the restaurant. I looked up as he walked toward my table, and I was sure I knew who he was.

He sat down across from me and smiled at me. "I know who you are," I said as I smiled at him.

"I know," he said. "I had no problem coming in this time, so I knew you had put things together."

"I want you to show me how I can visit the 'macro' universe," I said, not wanting to waste any time.

"Okay," he said. "There's really not that much to it. Just think about where you want to go and tap your heels together three times." His broad smile as he finished made me smile as I realized he was just shining me on.

"But I'm not wearing ruby slippers," I snarked back.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

Despite my best efforts, I glanced down. Seeing the low-top sneakers and ankle socks made me smile as I looked back up.

"Made you look," he said with a grin.

I reached across the table and took his hand in mine. "Shall we?" I asked.

"Yes," he said. "Just hold onto my hand so we don't get separated. Now, just picture where and when you want to go. Once you have that firmly in your head, just think yourself there."

I closed my eyes and thought about where and when I wanted to go. As I drew up the memory in my head, I prepared to go there.

As I mentally imagined myself stepping into the scene, I said, "I can see why she ...."

... the whole world flickered and momentarily dissolved away before returning in a rush ...

... "loved you so much." We arrived, and everything looked as I had pictured it. It didn't feel any different than where I had just come from, but nothing was moving, and it was dead silent.

I saw him looking around, a surprised look on his face. I smiled as I said, "I'm delighted I got to meet you, Jon."

Jon looked at me and smiled before his gaze darted to a table off in the distance. I saw his eyes grow wide, and I smiled again as I followed his gaze and saw Judy sitting at a table with Amy and Emily.

As my gaze swept over the room, I saw that everyone was motionless, caught in the middle of doing something. My eyes finally settled on the table where I sat with Matthew and Mark. I had captured that moment when I was looking at Judy while she was gazing at me. My heart clenched as I remembered that moment when I had found myself strangely attracted to the woman across the room from me.

"Why does this remind me of a 'Twilight Zone' episode?" I mused to myself as I examined my surroundings. Jon continued gazing at Judy, a smile on his face. I walked over toward Judy, towing Jon with me. "This was the first time I ever saw Judy," I explained.

"Thank you for showing me this," Jon said, looking at me.

"Thank you for guiding me to enlightenment," I replied, smiling at him. "How did you get the assignment to be my guide?"

"I volunteered," Jon said. "I wanted to meet the person who loved my wife and daughters as I did and get to know her."

"Did I really have a choice?" I asked. "Apparently, God wanted this to happen."

"You may not have had a choice about being with Judy," Jon said, "but you certainly had a choice as to how you would love her."

"I don't see how," I said. "The only way to love someone is to love them unconditionally, as you would want to be loved in return."

"So few people understand that," Jon said, shaking his head. "If everyone felt as you do, the world would be a better place to live in."

I thought back to all of the women I loved. First, there was Samantha. She was my first love, but it was never meant to last. Then there was Alex. I loved her, but it just wasn't meant to be; she was meant for another. Then there was Bonnie.

I teared up, thinking about Bonnie. I had loved her unconditionally. In return, she had loved me unconditionally for seven incredible years. When I lost her, I thought I'd never love anyone again. Then I found Megan and thought I had found the one to take Bonnie's place. However, that was not meant to be because she was meant for another. Finally, there was Judy. We had loved each other unconditionally for forty-four years until it was time for me to go.

I finished my ruminations and looked up at Jon. "Can we go to another place directly from here, or do we need to go back first?"

Jon smiled and asked, "Go back, where?"

"Back to where we first met," I replied, wondering why he asked.

"You created that place. It is always with you, so you, in effect, never left it," Jon returned.

"You mean ...."

... the whole world flickered and momentarily dissolved away before returning in a rush ...

... "Oh!" I exclaimed as I found myself back in the restaurant, sitting in a chair at a table next to the window. Jon sat across from me, let go of my hand, and sat back while I gathered my thoughts. I noticed that no one was sitting at the other tables.

"To answer your question, yes, you can go directly from one place to another without going back," Jon said. "However, it's something you shouldn't do too much because the more jumps you make, the easier it is to lose your way back."

Thinking about watching Jon walk out the door and leave, I asked, "So, earlier, when I saw you walk out the door, you were going back to your place?"

"Yes," Jon said. "Entering someone's place here is difficult, if not impossible, to do if you're not invited. If they want to allow entrance, then it is easier to do. If they directly invite you in, it is no problem at all."

"And if it's someone you don't want to see?" I asked.

"Then there's no way to get in," Jon replied. "When you first got here, I managed to get in with the help of your friends and loved ones only because you weren't fighting it."

Thinking about what Jon had said earlier about losing my way back, I said, "Two statements you've made seem to contradict each other."

"Oh?" Jon said.

"Yes," I explained myself. "Earlier, you said if you had someone take you somewhere and then left you there, that you couldn't get back. Yet, just before we came back here, you also said I never really left here. Those two statements don't jive."

"I see," Jon said. "I apologize for the lack of clarity. Going to a place in the 'macro' universe you were never at while alive severs your tie to 'here.' If you go to a time you were not alive, even if it's to a place you've been to, it severs your tie to 'here.' Once you return from the 'macro' universe, you can then re-establish your connection and return 'here.'"

"Well, thank you again for being my guide," I said, reaching across the table. Retaking Jon's hand, I said, "I'm ready to go."

"Okay," Jon said.

I pictured where I wanted to go, to Jack's on that sunny day in May 1985 when I first met Bonnie. When I was sure I had it right, I stepped into ...

... the whole world flickered and momentarily dissolved away before returning in a rush ...

... the room. As before, everything was dead silent, and there was no movement. I looked around, and it looked like I had pictured. In uniform, I sat at the table by the window, looking up as Bonnie approached me.

"Interesting," I heard Jon say.

I followed his eyes and saw that he was looking at the vaguely humanoid-looking blur next to Bonnie, looking like it was leaning in to say something to her. Unlike everything else, it was not only blurry, but you could see movement in the blur as though it was composed of smoke particles floating around.

"What is it?" I asked, looking at Jon.

"It's a messenger," Jon said, almost in awe. He looked at me and said, "You captured a moment when God had sent a messenger to steer Bonnie back onto the right path."

I suddenly remembered what Bonnie had said about that first day we met.

"Yes, she was so sure she had heard a voice say, "She's the one!" that day," I said, closely examining the tableau before me.

"I wonder what was so important about this meeting that a messenger was needed," Jon mused.

"I know," I whispered.

Jon looked at me, a questioning look on his face.

"This was the day Bonnie got the cancer that killed her," I said. I pointed to the messenger's blurred appendage resting on Bonnie's abdomen, over where her pancreas was located.

"So, they do more than just pass on a message," Jon said, wonderingly.

"Apparently so," I said, no longer wanting to be here. I pictured going back and ...

... the whole world flickered and momentarily dissolved away before returning in a rush ...

... we were back sitting at the table by the window. Jon let go of my hand and leaned back. He said, "I think you have a handle on it now. I'm sure you'll be able to do it yourself from now on. Just don't try to do too much until you've had more experience."

I smiled at him and said, "If I do have any more questions, can I call on you to answer them?"

"Yes, you may," Jon said, a smile on his face.

Looking around, I noticed that the other tables were no longer occupied. I asked, "Where did everyone go that was here earlier?"

"Since you are now aware of what and who you are, they are respecting your privacy," Jon answered with a smile. "They were here earlier to support me, but now they are waiting for you to invite them here."

"So, how do I find someone who's here?" I asked. "Or invite someone here?"

"That's easy," Jon said. "All you have to do is picture them in your mind. If they are receptive to seeing you, they'll either come to you or bring you to them. Unlike traveling to places in the 'macro' universe, you can't get lost, so you can always get back here."

"So, am I ready to do that?" I asked with a smile.

"Of course," Jon replied, smiling as he got up. "I'll be going now. I'm sure you'll be fine. If you ever need anything, just call me." I watched as Jon walked out into the lobby and then out the door.

Only then did I allow the hope that I'd be able to see him again rise to the surface. I pictured him in my mind, remembering his easy smile, blue eyes, and blond hair. "Oh, Matthew," I said softly.

"Hello, Mom," I heard behind me, up and to the right.

I spun around, and my heart exploded with love as I saw Matthew standing there. I jumped up and wrapped my arms around him as I buried my face into his chest, my tears of joy wetting his shirt. "Oh, Matthew, I missed you so much!" I sobbed.

His arms tightened around me as he said, "I'm sorry I left you the way I did, Mom. I missed you too."

I said nothing, just standing there enjoying having his arms around me as I worked to get myself under control. Finally, I was able to push back and look up at his beautiful face. I smiled as I said, "No need to apologize, Matthew. We both knew the risk when you went over there. I just had hoped you'd not be one of the casualties."

"Thanks, Mom," Matthew said. "So, what happened while I was gone?"

With that, we sat down. We spent some time talking about things that happened both before and after Matthew's death. When I told him that Mark and Amy had married, he smiled so big I teared up. I knew he had really cared for his little brother and his 'stepsisters.' All while we talked, I couldn't take my eyes off him. I held onto his hand as though I feared he'd vanish.

Finally, when we'd talked ourselves out and started repeating ourselves, Matthew smiled at me as he stood up. Only then did I let go of his hand. As he turned away, he said, "Mom's waiting for you."

"I know," I said, smiling. "Bonnie said she'd wait for me forever. That's why I wanted to see you first."

"Thanks, Mom. I love you," Matthew said.

"I love you, too, Matthew," I said as he walked out into the lobby and then out the door.

I was never more ready for anything. I wanted to recreate the day I first met her, so I took a moment to picture myself in my USAF uniform. I checked myself, making sure everything was in order. I looked down at my hand, ensuring the gold ring with half of a heart was on my ring finger. With a big smile on my face, I pictured her as I remembered seeing her that first time, bouncing up to my table ...

... "Hello, my love," I heard behind me, up and to my right. My heart thrilled at the sound of that voice that I had missed for 47 years. I turned toward the voice, tears in my eyes. I had so much to catch up on ... and forever to do it in.