What is Love

"Girlfriend?" Lily replied hesitantly, clearly trying to understand if she had heard correctly.

"Yeah, girlfriend, we lived together for three years. At one point we were talking about getting married."

The edge on Darcy's voice was harsh, she was putting her line in the sand. Like, 'Fuck off, bitch, she's mine.'

Annie, who missed the nuance of her statement, cried out, "We're girlfriends too. We go shopping together, and everything. Don't we, Auntie."

I smiled and gave her cute little face a kiss. "Yes we do, baby cakes."

It hadn't gone over Lily's head, though. She stared at me, confusion slowly clearing. "You were like partners, lovers?"

She was talking to Darcy, but her eyes were on me, never blinking, just questioning. Waiting for me to deny it.

"Yeah, like I said, we were talking about marriage," Darcy, said way too forcefully.

Her eyes had already asked, now her brain followed suit. "Max, you and Darcy, you were an item?"

I nodded. Words failed me, I didn't know what to say. I wasn't embarrassed by the lesbian tag. I had been out and proud. Somehow, the fact that I kept that secret from her made me embarrassed.

"You're a lesbian?"

I nodded again, as Annie asked, "What's a lesbian?"

Darcy was about to say something, when Lily cut her off and grabbed Annie from my arms. "It's nothing, sweetheart," Lily replied. "I think we should go. Darcy and Max need time alone."

"Awww, but Mummy, I haven't even had a juice. You promised we were going to make cup cakes."

Lily kissed her sweetly and whispered. "Another time sweetheart. Max is busy."

She turned and walked out, leaving her freshly poured cup on the counter. "See you later, Max," she called out. "Nice meeting you, Darcy."

The door closed and we were pitched back into silence. "Wow, that was fucking weird. What a rude bitch," Darcy muttered.

"Look, Darcy, I think you should leave. I'm not really interested in what you have to say."

"Max, I was hoping that maybe I could stay with you for a couple of days. I haven't booked any accommodation."

"Tough," I muttered. "If you'd bothered to call, I would have told you. Not to fucking bother."

"Max, come on, babe," she said with a pleading tone. "If I stayed here, we could talk, try to fix things."

"No, my spare room's a mess, there's nowhere for you to sleep."

"I don't need a spare room, if you aren't seeing anybody, we could share a bed. I'm not going to rape you."

"The answer's no. If you've finished your coffee, I would like you to leave."

"But..."

"No buts, Darcy. You had no right to just turn up here. I have a new life, and I don't need, or want you."

"Shit, when did you become so heartless? The Max I knew would never turn away a friend."

"You're right, I wouldn't. That's the difference now though isn't it. Now, we're not friends. You are my ex, and that's for a reason. What's more, its the way, I want it to stay."

I grabbed her cup, with mine, threw them in the sink and turned for the front door.

As she walked past me, she moaned, "You know this means I'm going to have to sleep in the car, don't you?"

"Don't care, Darcy. I haven't cared for a long time."

I watched as her hire car backed out of the driveway, and headed up the road. Slamming the door, I snarled. "Fuck."

My happy little world was now upside down, and I felt the water seeping in.

"Even when you're high, you can get low

Even with your friends you love, you're still alone

We always find the darkest place to go

God forgive our minds, we were born to roam."

Prophetic words, and they were never far away..,

After she was gone, I walked around in a trance. That look on Lily's face, was it hurt, disgust, disrespect? I couldn't figure it out, although it was burned into my soul.

I grabbed a bottle of wine, and walked out the back. A big old Pohutukawa tree lived in the back corner, and there was a bench seat that I used when I felt bad. There was plenty of heat in the sun, and I put my feet up on the old tree stump I used as an ottoman.

It didn't take long for the tears to come; it wasn't a torrent, just a leaky tap. I constantly wiped them away.

The bottle emptied quickly, and rather than lift me, it dragged me down into a gloomy world of searing memories.

"Fuck Darcy." I hated her...

It was later, the sun disappearing behind the houses at the back. With my mood so dark, I had tried to sleep, my eyes heavy.

"What are you doing?" the voice whispered.

Opening up, Lily stood there, her face impossible to read. "Nothing."

She pushed me aside as she sat down beside me, her bony hip digging in. "Move over," she growled.

I squirmed as I slid to the end. "Why didn't you tell me, Max?"

"I dunno."

"Do you think that little of me?"

"No, it's difficult to explain, Lily. I have been a lesbian all my life. I was proud of it. I'm not a raging feminist, but I protested, I carried placards. I have never been afraid of who I am. But coming here, it made me aware of how much injustice there is towards minority groups. I have always seen it from the other side, and I hated it. Here, I just slipped into the world of normalcy. I became one of the crowd."

I started to cry again, the little drip getting bigger, the sniffles harder to suppress. "I loved not seeing the judgemental faces. I loved not having to defend my choices. I was just another member of the faceless mass.

"But why didn't you tell me? I thought we were friends."

"We are, at least I hope we are. Once I was in the lie, it was easier to just keep it alive than change it every second depending on who I was talking to."

"That's the reason you didn't want to date?"

I sniggered. "Yeah, sorry... you fucked up, wrong sex."

She giggled, and it was nice to hear that in her voice. She had such an infectious laugh, it momentarily dried up my leaking tap. "So she's the one that drove you out of home and made you move here?"

"Yep, she's the one." I sighed, a hint of melancholy slipping in.

"She sure is pretty, I could see you to being a great couple."

Just like that, the tap started dripping again. "We were, then she cheated, started sleeping with one of our friends."

"Bitch." Lily snarled. "I take it back, she's an ugly troll."

I laughed, and that felt good. "No, she's pretty, and I thought she was the one. Turns out, I was just another one. For her at least."

I felt her arm, slide over my shoulder, and she hugged me tight. "Where's Annie?"

"Oh, Mum turned up and they're busily making cup cakes. They'll be over soon."

"Yum, I'm hungry already."

"Yeah, well, I'm thirsty," she said, kicking over the empty wine bottle, "But you didn't save me any."

"Sorry, I was trying to drown myself."

"Should have got a bigger bottle. That one's barely a foot wash."

We laughed together, rocking side to side, together. "You don't care, about me?"

"What?" She gasped. "I care for you heaps. Do I care that you like girls? No. Am I hurt that you never hit on me? Yes, damn right. That one hurt, shit babe, we shared a bed. Aren't I attractive enough?"

"You... Fuck off. You're gorgeous and you know it."

"Then why? You never once said anything. Jesus, we slept together, and still nothing. Don't I get your motor running?"

"Lily, you are probably, the single most beautiful person I have ever met. You are fun, clever and an incredible mother. You are perfect in every way. I valued our friendship way too much to fuck it up. I have never been that intuitive with other girls. Never figured out if there was interest. I have never come on to another girl in my life."

She sniggered slyly. "So you think I'm pretty?"

"Stop it, you've had your share of compliments. You're pretty."

"So what happened to Darcy, the troll?"

"I kicked her out. She wanted to stay, but I couldn't deal with her. She turned up out of the blue. Not what I needed right now."

"Got it," Lily whispered. "Okay, I have to ask. How come you haven't dated since you've been here? Are you considering your options? I mean, Gavin is a nice guy. At least he's clean shaven, no beard."

"No, I have never doubted my sexuality. I sort of took a vow of celibacy when I moved here. I needed some space, some clean air."

"Gav's got no chance of turning you then?"

"Oh god no, not a chance in hell."

"Aw, bugger... Have you ever, you know... Done the dirty with a bloke, like, had sex?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I tried. When I was at Teachers College. I dated a few, but I always knew."

I heard her sigh, like she was losing her best friend.

"Lily, I'm not actually looking for anybody. I'm not lonely. I have you and Annie. At least I hope I do?"

"Of course, we're like limpets. Annie would be horrified if I said she couldn't see you."

Annie came charging down into the garden, with a huge bowl of cup cakes. The mood changed. Lily's mum appeared, as well, and we sat in the dying afternoon, munching yummy cup cakes.

I was at Lily's place, Sunday lunchtime, when I saw Darcy's rental car pull into my driveway. "Bugger." I muttered.

Lily looked out the window past me. "Oh, oh. Troll face is back."

Annie rushed to the window. "Why is she a troll, Mummy? Is it because she's a lesbian?"

"No, baby cakes. It's because she's mean and nasty. She hurt Max."

Annie gave me an inquisitive stare. "How did she hurt you, Auntie Max?"

"Oh, she said some mean things, baby cakes."

I watched as Darcy rang the bell, and waited. After several goes, she sat down on the front doorstep, her eyes taking in the street. "Shall I go over and tell her where you are, Auntie Max?"

"No, Annie. She will leave soon."

"I don't think so, Max," Lily mumbled.

As a half an hour rolled around, Annie was getting quite concerned. "She's still there."

Glancing at Lily, I said, "I better go over."

Walking across the road, I saw her notice me, and she stood up, wiping the dried leaves off her jeans. "Hey, Max."

"Darcy..."

As I approached, she tried to pull me into a hug, but I pushed her away. "Darcy, just go. I didn't want you to come here, and I definitely didn't want to hear from you. Do us both a favour, and go."

She shook her head. "No, I'm not going anywhere. I believe in us. I made a mistake, one stupid mistake. I still love you, Max. I'm not going anywhere."

I pushed passed her and called back loudly, "Then you're in for a long night."

As I pulled the front door closed, she called out, "I'm not leaving, Max, I'll be here in the morning."

I tried to forget she was there. I focused on getting my shit ready for the next day. As I brought in the laundry and started to focus on getting dinner, I kept peeking out the window, and her car was still parked in the driveway. I couldn't see her, but knew she must have been there.

I sat in the lounge eating my chicken-fried rice. Okay, it was probably mean. It was Darcy's favourite, and I did leave the kitchen window open, allowing the aroma to waft out over the front of the house.

After finishing, I took the dirty plate into the kitchen, and washed up. Still no sign of Darcy. Then I saw Lily's front door open, and Darcy emerged with Lily. They shared a hug and Darcy walked over to her car and climbed in. She reclined the seat, and I heard the radio come on.

A few minutes later, Lily walked in. "Max, can we talk?"

Without waiting, she came and sat down beside me. "I can't stay long, Annie's still awake. I hope you're not upset, but I invited Darcy over for dinner. I couldn't stand watching her sit on your doorstep."

I didn't know what to say, so I just bit my lip.

"Max, I talked to her, and I know she did the wrong thing, but wow, that girl loves you. She's got it bad, girl."

"You can't believe a word she says, Lily. She's a user."

With a shocked expression, she gasped, "What, like drugs, you mean?"

"No, just emotions. She will say whatever she thinks she has to, to get what she wants."

"No, sorry Max, we're mates, and I do love you. In this case you're wrong. She's definitely got some issues, but she loves you."

"Wasting her time. I'm way past done with her cheating arse."

"Whatever, I don't believe you, and I think you're just being silly, but, yeah. Look, it's not fair to leave her out there in her car overnight. I'm going to offer her a bed for the night."

"Do whatever you want, Lily. So long as she's gone when I get home tomorrow, I don't care."

She stood quickly and shook her head. "You're being bloody obstinate, Max. I don't see what harm there could be in talking to her."

"Oh yeah, that's great coming from you. When was the last time you spoke to Neville? Aye... Tell me that, smart arse."

"Fuck you Max. That's different."

"How? How is it any different. They're the same bloody person. They're both cheaters."

"No, I think you're wrong, Max. I think she's an idiot. But I don't think she's a cheater. Not like Neville."

She was gone, and I saw her talking to Darcy. She climbed out of the car and they shared a quick hug. Darcy opened the rear door, reached in, dragged out a suitcase and they walked across the street.

I was up early, and I was on my bike, headphones on and the pedals going as fast as my legs could encourage them to. Damn it, my breakup song slipped into the rotation.

By the third verse, I was singing along.

"In my life, there's been heartache and pain...

I don't know if I can face it again...

Can't stop now, I've travelled so far...

To change this lonely life..."

Everybody stared as I pedalled past. The crazy chick, singing her heart out. Yeah, it's a cheesy old crap song, but I still loved it, and sometimes, it made me shiver.

Darcy and I used to sing it when we did Karaoke.

Ah, fuck that girl. Why couldn't she move on like I had...

Had I? Bugger, that hurt. I realised I was living, I had a life, but it was loveless. If it wasn't for Lily and Annie... Ah shit...

The day went quickly, although for the first time since I got to know her. Annie was distant, she didn't come and talk to me, she never once stuck her hand up to answer questions, I guarantee she knew.

That in itself made me uneasy.

Darcy's car was still in the driveway when I got home, much to my disgust. At least there was no sign of her.

I showered, and started on dinner. I checked out front half a dozen times, but there was no sign of her, just that damn car.

I washed up and tried to figure out what to do. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. She must be over at Lily's place, and strangely, that hurt as well. I felt a little betrayed. I told her how I felt, and like everybody else, she took Darcy's bloody side.

It was about an hour later when the knock on the door sounded ominously.

I cracked it enough so I could see outside. "Yes?"

"Max, can we come in and talk? I thought perhaps it might be easier if I came in. I could sort of mediate for you guys."

"Lily, I've had a busy day and I'm having an early night. If you want to babysit Darcy, then go for it. Just remember to lock your bedroom door."

"What's that supposed to mean, bitch?" Darcy cried out from behind Lily.

"It means you're such a slut, you'll probably try it on with her."

"This is ridiculous, Max. There's no need for any of that. We just wanted to talk."

"You want to talk to her, then take her home and talk to her."

They stood there staring at me. "Anyway," I snarled. "What happened to troll face?"

Lily shook her head in bewilderment. "Goodnight, Max, I was only trying to help."

That battle played out over the rest of the week. Annie, for whatever reason refused to talk to me. That hurt more than the rest of it. I don't know why, but her giving me the cold shoulder cut deep.

Finally, Friday night I got home from school and Darcy's car was gone. Cycling up the driveway. I released the handlebars, and threw my arms in the air in celebration.

It took the next week before Lily came over. The fact she knocked was a reflection of the distance between us.

I welcomed her in, and she plonked the bottle of wine on the bench. She stared at me with something akin to a challenge. "Drink?"

"Sounds good, I have just made some spicy chicken tortillas."

She smiled, her tongue licking across her lip. "Yum." She opened the wine and got glasses. I placed the tortillas on a big plate and we moved into the lounge.

She held up her glass for a toast, and we started. The tortilla's were yum. "Where's Annie? With your mum?"

"Yep, gone for the whole weekend. I'm Annieless, and it feels terrible."

I nodded. "I know how that feels."

"Why?"

"She has cut me out of her life. At school, she refuses to talk to me. She hasn't been over for a single visit. Yes, I know how you feel."

Lily sighed, her whole body slumping forward. "I'm sorry, babe. That's mostly my fault. She overheard Darcy and I talking. I sort of said you were behaving badly, very mean. Darcy didn't help. She heard things a little girl shouldn't hear. She heard enough of that shit when Neville and I broke up."

"It's not bloody fair, Lily. She's the one who caused all this. Why am I being cast as the baddie in all this?"

"You're not a baddie," she spluttered with her mouthful of chicken. "I just think you're being cruel. Would it have hurt to talk to the girl? She flew a thousand miles to see you, to try and salvage something."

"There's nothing to salvage, Lily. I've been trying to tell you. There's nothing but ashes."

She shook her head, pinching the last tortilla. "Lets talk about something else, aye?"

We did, we talked, and it was slow at first, but the fun crept back into the conversation. We were on our second bottle of wine when she rushed over to her place and returned with a multi-layered Black Forest Gatteu cake.

With our faces full and the bottles pretty much empty, we started dancing and singing. We were doing well till that bloody song slipped back into the rotation.

Lily kept singing, but I stopped

"I wanna know what love is."

"I wanna know what love is," she sang.

When she noticed I wasn't singing. She pulled me into a hug. "Lets sit this one out, aye?"

The wine was gone, but there was a bottle of brandy. She opened it, and poured us a glass each.

We sat side by side, our feet up on the coffee table. "What's it like?" she asked.

Confused, I replied, "What's what like?"

"Being with a woman."

I giggled stupidly. "Are you asking me about sex?"

She nudged me in the ribs. "Yeah, tell me. Why do you like it?"

"I dunno, it's different. Men are all ego and testosterone. It's all about them. I always hated that. Hairy bloody beasts."

Lily just about choked. "So what do you do? Is it like vibrators and toys? Or do you just eat out a lot?"

I laughed hysterically. "Yeah, that's it, we eat a lot."

"So that's it? Just eating, don't you get sick of just eating pussy? I mean, I love giving blow jobs, but I'd soon get sick of that, let me tell you."

"Lily, there's a whole lot more to it than that. It's hard to explain. I like to get fucked as much as the next girl."

"So it is about dildos and shit?"

I laughed again. "Fuck, you're obsessed with penetration aren't you. There's more to life than dick. I could make you come without any of that shit."

She gave me a cute little smirk. "Go on then, make me come."

My smile disintegrated. "Stop it, you're spoiling my buzz."

"How?" she said with a sexy giggle.

"By making fun of me."

"I'm not joking, Max. Christ, I'm as horny as fuck. I haven't had sex since bloody Conor fucked off. I'm sitting beside the hottest chick I know, who is apparently the best fuck Darcy ever had, and I'm curious."

"She said that?"

"Yes, dummy, she said you were the best she's ever had. If you can give her four orgasms a night, surely you can give me one?"