What The Hell Ch. 01

What The Hell - Chapter 1

What the hell ... did I do?

Written by Aoife

I am certain this storyline has been written time and time again but let me throw my twist into this storyline. This jaunt could be thrown into several genres including First Time, Romance, Loving Wives, Group Sex, and of course my favorite, Lesbian Sex.

I will post this series in the Lesbian Sex category. This is simply to not confuse anyone or to reveal too much ahead of time. I highly doubt there will be any heterosexual activities, involving those of our protagonists. If there are, I will give you fair warnings.

This first chapter is background and character building. I hope you enjoy this fictional and fantasy adventure which is intended for several chapters.

~~~ Chapter 1~~~

December

I have always been decisive, really I have been. It never took me this long to make a decision.

My mother would agree but she would also say I took time to prioritize everything in life; everything. My studies came first, next was my love for music, both listening to but more so playing it, then the drama club, and sadly distant fourth were my friends except for Roxanna, aka Roxie and Lisa. Some of my friends would disagree.

Most of my friends would counter by saying how hesitant I was at times. What they didn't realize were the decisions I made were always well thought out, researched, hypothesized, prioritized, and then shared. Everything was thought out and looked at from as many angles as possible, including this one.

This decision was very simply but it did take a few weeks to come to it

I stood in the foyer, the front door was open. I looked around the wide open space once more. I wasn't sad, I was more upset at myself for dragging this out; I should have not thought this out so much and just acted once my decision was made.

I apologized once more then turned and walked out the front door, down the walkway. I was at most two steps down the walk when I heard the door slammed shut behind me.

I cringed when I heard the screaming. I had never been called a bitch, ever.

July - Six Months Earlier

I stood all in white, Alberto; my step-father was at my side wearing his tuxedo. He looked dashing! The small pipe organ sounded like a soft floating melody. The flutist joined in adding something so special it was almost indescribable. I could only liken this to a ray of sunshine on a snowy Boston winter day.

There were approximately 230 people gathered, most in their best dresses and suits; some were dressed as if this was the gala event of the season. The bridesmaids in their soft but faint lavender dresses, my niece, the flower girl and my nephew, the ring bearer, brother and sister, moved nervously as Lisa, my Matron of Honor, smiled at me. The men must have taken their places because the organist slowed the playing of her piece.

The first bridesmaid, Carrie, Carl's sister, moved forward, next was Sally, a friend from my college days and finally Lisa, my Matron of Honor, my oldest friend. Partners in crime since the third grade. It was a smaller wedding party. I didn't want my wedding to be flashy, that was Andrea and Gerald, Carl's mom and dad, and they were flashy. If it was up to me, I would have eloped.

The organist played a softer ballad as my niece and nephew made their way, side by side, down the aisle. I smiled. They looked amazing together.

Maybe, maybe, one day I might have a child, but not children. That was still a huge bone of contention; I was told having an only child was selfish. I was a fucking awesome only child.

Ugh ... I digress.

Alberto kissed my cheek. I looked at him, we both smiled as he nodded his head. There was a tear in his eye. You see, Alberto, Al for short, was the only father I knew. I was the only daughter he knew. The sperm donor who lied and used my mother well over twenty years ago was never heard from after that night. Mom told me that I was the best thing to come out of that hellish night.

A "five pump chump" she would tell me. Eww, I cringed and shivered each time she would say that. Gawd!!

Here I was the center of attention, all eyes on me, which I disliked immensely. A few months after my birthday; my wedding day. My heart was still fractured, pounding, but still filled with hope. I was in pain and agony but joyful as I looked towards the altar, on the left side of the aisle I saw my mother.

She was beaming with pride.

Mom had regained her athletic body and figure after giving birth to me. She requalified for her NCAA scholarship and finished college with the help of her parents. Her once swimmers and track and field body that I saw in photos and old VHS tape videos, was now weak, broken and shriveled, a skeleton of whom she once was.

I shivered in pain with that thought.

The carboplatin, the cisplatin, the paclitaxel, and the radiation had done their job all those months ago, the immunotherapy not so much. Mother Nature in her cruel loving ways challenged her once again. It was back and this time my mother had all but given up. She told us nine weeks ago over breakfast that she couldn't do it anymore.

Al had a long conversation with her and Father Timothy. Carl and I talked, I wanted to postpone or even cancel the wedding but Mom would have nothing of it. She wanted to see her daughter get married. She wanted me to marry my longtime boyfriend and fiancé, I hesitated but eventually agreed; for her.

I didn't share the stress and tremendous pressure I was feeling. I swallowed it all and kept it deep down inside me, this was for my Mom. She wanted her only daughter to be married, well all be damned, I was going to give her that.

Even if it meant me sacrificing what I didn't think this is what I wanted, this was for her.

My heart just broke looking at her. She insisted on wearing her soft rose colored dress and her bonnet. I wanted her to wear her wig but she would have none of it, she was proud of who she was. She was a fighter, a woman who will preach to the end that she beat cancer.

Fuck Cancer!

My stepbrother, Al's son, John and his wife Erin stood at Mom's sides supporting her. Her walker, nowhere to be seen. I couldn't see the nasal cannula either.

"That damn stubborn woman." I mumbled under my breath.

I heard him chuckle. "Would you expect anything different?" He mumbled as well. I knew we were both smiling a little with that comment.

In the pew behind her was Roxanna, one of my best friends. We met in our freshman year of high school. It seemed her; Lisa and I were a hell raising trio back then and even now, well past our younger years. She was the best from our nursing school and the only oncology nurse I allowed to care for my mother.

That is a story of its own, a real shitstorm of a story. I might share that fight later.

Roxie had been through so much with us for the last two years. The first diagnosis; TNBC, Triple Negative Breast Cancer, damn near a death sentence. Then the first rounds of chemotherapy, the first NED, "no evidence of disease", the double mastectomy, then the recurrence and finally this last diagnosis.

Then the PET scan a few months ago showed a cluster of inflamed lymph nodes in her chest wall, behind her breast bone and under her armpit. There were indications of liver and ovarian metastases and recurrence.

"How the fuck could you have recurrence in a breast cancer patient when the breast isn't there?" I will never forget Al asking me.

Al was funny that night. He slurred that phrase at least three times when we got drunk that first day after we heard the oncology report. Gawd, we got drunk.

Sorry, I digress.

Roxie, yes, Roxie was the boss, I lovingly called her "The Bitch-Boss" no one, and I mean, no one was allowed to overrule anything Roxie said. She reminded me a few times, that even included me.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Mom told me last night all she wanted to see was her only daughter walk down the aisle.

Then a silence only broken by the higher pitch notes three or four, then the bass notes in tempo, 'Dah ... Dah ... Dah Da ...' The Wedding March; I played it several times on the piano as a younger pianist. I knew it by heart, mom made certain I never made a mistake. Her Ladies Guild church friends wouldn't let her hear the end of it.

Everyone stood except for those on the left side, they stayed seated. It was out of reverence for my mother, so she could see without obstruction. I smiled at her as she smiled wide and started crying. Then she nodded, Al and I took our first step forward.

It was my dream wedding, the day we looked forward to, the day we argued over, the day I wanted absolutely perfect, for her. She never had this kind of day, this was for my Mom.

My thoughts were shaken when I saw my step brother move with quickness. I had taken another step forward with Al when I saw Roxie move. Al let go of my arm and ran.

I screamed and followed right behind him. I saw it in super slow motion, Mom collapsed, falling limp into John's arms.

The screams drowned out everything. Al reached her before I did, Roxie was whispering in his ear, the pews around her emptied, and there was a hush in the church. This is when everything truly went dark, well gray, but fuzzy.

Carl came to my side as did Lisa. I looked over at Roxie who was now bent over Mom. She looked up at me, then closed her eyes and lowered her head, shaking it gently. She turned to Al and whispered in his ear. Lisa hugged me tight.

Father Timothy stepped forward and prayed for her. As promised I didn't cry. I vaguely remember Carl's hand stroking my back. I could be wrong but Lisa and Roxie were showing the most support when I needed it.

Two hours later I was sitting in my parents' home. I just sat with Al and John, Erin was tending to her daughter and son.

"What the hell was I thinking about having this wedding?" I groaned, "Why the hell had I done this? Was I really that self-centered and selfish?" I stood pacing.

I screamed. "I killed my mother! This fucking wedding killed my mother!"

"Fuck me! I am the worst daughter ever!" I screamed.

I started crying and ran from the room, out the front door. I walked to the backyard to clear my head, I would never forgive myself. The stress of this wedding killed my mother. This wedding killed my mother.

No wait that was an incorrect statement. I killed my mother.

~~~

The next few days were a schedule of events that had been pre-planned. One thing Mom made certain of was that everything would be prepared in advance as to her wishes. That was Mom, everything done as she wanted, down to the last detail.

Damn accountants, so absolutely specific and detail oriented. She had everything planned including the hymns to be sung, the dress she was to wear, the rosary she would hold in her hands, and the prayers said at her grave.

A few days later, Erin recalled telling us of the chiming and echo of the church bells as they rang twelve noon, as we all kneeled or stood gathering around Mom watching her last breath.

A week later Al went back to work as scheduled. John, Erin, and their children went home to Hartford. Instead of being in Aruba, I met with my supervisor discussing my schedule. Mary Beth, my Nurse Manager, was at the wedding, she understood.

Carl's boss was at the wedding and witnessed everything up close. He sat just across the aisle in the front pew. Carl is an architect, he works for his father's and his Uncle's firm.

The following day, Roxie and I sat in the cafeteria at Massachusetts General Hospital. I toyed with my salad as I listened to her try to comfort me. I smiled and nodded when I heard her pause or when it seemed as if I was supposed to. Truth be told, I wasn't really listening.

I felt her hand touch mine. I lifted my head to look at her; she gave me one of those "I wish I could take the pain away" smiles. Then I felt a soft hand on my shoulder and a hand on my back. Instantly I could tell it was Lisa.

The flood of emotions, stress, pressure, strain suddenly poured out all at once. I lowered my head and cried the first tears of my mother's passing.

I murmured, "What the hell ... will I do without her?"

October - Three Months Later

I am guessing that the statistics, if really studied, would show that during the fall season there are just as many accidents and Emergency Room visits as there are in the winter season. I walked into our house happy to have that shift behind me.

I closed the door behind me and saw Carl sitting at the kitchen table eating his dinner. I greeted Carl, walked over and kissed his cheek. I told him I would be right back as I was going to shower and change.

I turned towards our first floor bedroom with the simple thought I would shower, throw on some lounge pants and a top, and then cuddle on the couch with Carl. Twenty minutes later, I emerged from our bedroom walking to the living room.

Carl had set up a dinner plate on the cocktail table with my dinner. I took my seat on the couch. Carl sat down next to me with a glass of wine for him, and then handed me a glass of wine.

I was enjoying the dinner he prepared. It was pasta with a nice white sauce and a tomato and cucumber salad. The national evening news was just finishing. We were going to flip it over and watch some of our favorite mindless shows on that one "cooking channel".

I finished my dinner and took care of my dishes. I came back and curled into Carl, resting my head on his shoulder. I curled my feet up underneath me, cuddling as close as possible to him.

He asked me those questions that couples usually ask about their day and about the strains and the stressors of working in one of the busiest emergency rooms in the Boston metropolitan area. Most answers were the standard, "I am glad that day is behind me."

I reiterated how I was thrilled to be working 12 hour shifts as I only worked three days a week.

He balked when I told him I did pick up some extra shifts, saving as much money as I could. It was a good plan and things were working out for me financially. My college loans were almost paid off.

I could tell there was something on his mind. We've been together too long for me not to know I lifted my head off of his chest and I looked at him. I curled my finger under his chin and cheek, gently turning his head towards me, and I asked what he was thinking.

He gently smiled, closed his eyes, and shared with me that he was hoping we could make a decision on a new wedding date. His mother had some ideas. She wanted to discuss them with us.

"Discuss with us?" I questioned. I should have said what was really on my mind, but I didn't.

Carl's comment that she has some ideas she would like to discuss with us is truly code for "Here is what she wants."

The moments of calmness I had started to enjoy, the strain which was easing away, and the comfort that I was feeling immediately disappeared. I took a few deep breaths, trying to keep myself calm.

I lifted my head from his chest, straightened my legs and put my feet flat on the carpet and stood. I turned and looked at Carl, I was tearing up again.

"I am not ready to make a decision and I certainly am not ready for this fight which I know will happen if we continue this discussion."

He lowered his head, "Mother was hoping that we could talk this out and set something for the spring."

"Mother," I stressed through my tightly held lips, "didn't recently bury her mother, as I did! Your mother didn't have her mother die while she was walking down the fucking aisle Carl." I spat. "Did she?" I was enraged at him.

"That was over three months ago!" He attempted an offering and an excuse

I glared at him. "How dare you!" I then explained that there was still pain in my heart and in my soul. I told him I did love him, I wasn't ready to go through all of that again.

"Feel free to tell your mother that I am simply not ready. I don't care if it was four months or four years, I am not ready for the stress your mother will place on me for a wedding she wants!"

I turned, made my way down the hall into the bedroom, set the alarm for 5 o'clock, changed into a sleeping shirt and shorts ensuring he knew there wasn't and change of making love tonight, turned off the lights and curled up in bed.

We didn't speak in the morning as I walked out the door heading back to the hospital. It seemed that the first really cold rain of the season came and everyone in the city limits forgot how to drive and act; we were swamped in the ER that day.

We had two, vehicle to pedestrian accidents, and a handful of vehicle to vehicle accidents, sadly, there were three overdoses, and god knows what else, those were just my cases. I knew there were a handful of late season outdoor injuries associated with children and the youth playing outside.

I sat at the nurse's station typing up patient notes when Lisa came and sat next to me. I blurted out to no one, "What the hell is wrong with people in the city."

She laughed and in her little loving and sarcastic tone responded, "It's a good day, neither my hubby nor my kiddo weren't in the ER. I count that a good day."

We both laughed a bit and agreed that we couldn't wait for this shift to come to an end. Deep down in my soul, I was in fear of the shift ending. It would mean I needed to go home and speak with Carl.

In reality, I did love him, the sex was, well it was ... good. It had been a bit lackluster as of late but that was my fault. I had been in a rut. I took care of Carl and didn't worry about me. I never said anything but as of late it seemed he was really focused on himself. My mother's 'five pump chump' comment came to my mind but this time I laughed.

It wasn't like I came every time. I enjoyed feeling him next to me when he fell asleep and I could curl up next to him. I really disliked when he traveled, I slept alone. Damn, I didn't like that.

My phone vibrated, I looked down and saw a text from Carl. He needed to stop by his parents' place in Somerville and wouldn't be home until late.

I replied that I understood and would see him later. I sent Alberto a text asking if he had dinner plans. He replied in kind that he would be home watching the playoff baseball but the Sox weren't playing. I was always welcome.

Lisa and I walked in silence out to the parking lot together. She hugged me pulling me close. She whispered in my ear that she was there for me, no matter what I needed. No matter what it was and no matter when I needed her, I was to call or text.

She reminded me that we had been through 'thick and thin' together as best friends growing up. She kissed my cheek.

Damn, why did that feel so comforting? I told her to go home and see her baby and to kiss her husband for me. Geoff was an amazing man, husband, and father. I was jealous of what Lisa and Geoff had. The perfect family, the perfect marriage but is that what I wanted?

It was just after 7:45; I pulled into the driveway and made my way inside. Al stood from his recliner and hugged me. He knew I was troubled, hell Alberto knew me since I was three years old; he knew almost everything about me, down to the last detail.

He asked if I wanted to talk, I declined, I told him I just wanted some company. I curled up on the couch closest to him, separated only by the end table. We watched the Yankees lose, that brightened our day.

There was lull in our conversation and a silence in the room.

"I am not sure I want to get married, Dad." I reached over and took his hand. "What would she want me to do?"