What The Hell Ch. 01

He paused and looked at me. He blinked a few times then in his own special way, he looked at me and spoke softly.

"Your mother would want you to do whatever makes you happy." He smiled and squeezed my hand. "It's time for one of those honest talks isn't it?" He asked.

"Oh no," I said firmly, "Alberto de Jesus Fernandez, absolutely not! I am your stepdaughter, I am twenty seven and not the little girl you once scolded for being naughty." I snarled.

He paused and smiled. "Only you, my dear sweet Alexa, can answer that question."

Looking to the ceiling he exhaled softly then continued. "This home is yours, your mother and I want you to have it when I am gone. If you want it, John and Erin have their place in Hartford."

"I am not talking about that. You aren't going anywhere for a long time." I sort of spat back at him, he didn't deserve that.

"I am sorry Dad." I lowered my head in true shame.

"Alexa, my point is that plain and simple. You can and do whatever you want. If you do not want to marry Carl, or marry at all that is up to you. You have so much to give him or anyone else. Do not do this for me as you were doing for your mother. Don't think I will not love you anymore or any less than I already do."

He paused, and then blessed himself. "Te amp comp a mi propia hija Alexa". He turned and smiled, "Te amp comp a mi propia hija."

"Yo también te amo papa." I smiled and held his hand as we both looked forward, staring at nothing.

The clock on the wall struck 9:00. I stood and kissed his cheek. "I love you Dad. I will see you later."

I kissed his cheek once more then walked out to my car and headed home. Once home, I took a shower and dressed for bed. I sat on the couch waiting for Carl. At 11:30 when the local news ended, I walked back to our bedroom, set my alarm for 5:00 and fell asleep.

At some point in the early morning hours, Carl climbed into bed with me. I could smell the bourbon on his breath. Oh great! It was one of those evenings with his parents.

I was awake before my alarm sounded. I turned off my alarm and made as much noise as possible as I made my way to the shower. I walked out of the bathroom, threw on my panties, a bra and my scrubs. I sat on the edge of the bed lacing up my sneakers. I felt his hand on my back, softly caressing me. I stood and walked from the bedroom, again making as much noise as possible. I made my lunch, and packed my bag, all getting ready for work.

As I was getting ready to leave Carl stepped from the bedroom and sat on our couch. "I am needed in Henderson for the new project. Uncle Frank doesn't want to travel, Dad asked me to go. I fly out in two days."

"I understand. Are you going alone?"

"No, Dad and Lauren are going." He responded slyly.

"Lauren?" I asked in a shitty tone.

Fucking Lauren, his father's slut of an EA. She was tall, truly tall for a woman, rail thin with implants. Her brown eyes and past the shoulder brown hair made nearly every woman jealous of her.

"And why the fuck is Lauren going?" I said through my gritted teeth.

I suspected for a while that Lauren was more than an EA. She did have a solid education from Smith but I also believe her education started in the back seat of a very expensive car and in many expensive downtown hotel rooms.

She was a cocky little bitch who somehow landed this job after college; she was originally from somewhere down in southern Virginia. Supposedly abandoned by her divorced mother.

Pfft, the slut.

"I will be home later to talk, if your schedule allows." I grabbed my bag, purse and keys. I slammed the front door as hard as I could. "That bastard." I mumbled.

~~~

I got home that night and muddled around the house, I did laundry, and I did what a good fiancé would do after working a 12-hour shift. I did what I thought I should have been doing.

At 8:30, Carl finally walked in the door. He said he would change and come out for dinner, if there was any left for him. He commented how he had a tough day with a client and was challenged by their needs.

A few minutes after he went into the bedroom, I heard the shower turn on. That was strange. He usually didn't shower after work. I really thought nothing of it and stood from the couch getting his dinner and a glass of wine for the two of us.

Carl emerged from the bedroom and threw his dirty laundry in the laundry room, which I would take care of later. We sat on the couch watching the news without saying anything. I was wickedly upset at him. First for being so drunk the other night he came home, second for covering for his dad and the slut Lauren, and third for going away and leaving me here alone.

I just hated being alone let alone sleeping by myself. I stood, said goodnight and went into the bedroom, set my alarm, curling up in bed and went to sleep.

~~~

Two days later, I came home to an empty house as Carl left for his now seven days long trip to Henderson, bullshit, they were going to Las Vegas. I am an educated woman, I am not stupid.

I had the next day off. It would give me the time I needed to get the laundry, the shopping and a quick cleaning of the house done. I took care of some laundry, which seemed a bit less than normal, then went shopping. I came home, put away the groceries then ran to the dry cleaners to pick up his clothes.

I scanned the QR code from the app on my phone once inside the dry cleaners, checking in, the clerk said she would be right with me. She brought out the five items I was expecting then asked if I wanted the other two pieces as well.

"Other two?" I asked inquisitively.

"Yes a shirt and trousers were dropped off separately; it seems there was a dark purple lipstick stain on the shirt. It took us a bit to get it clean but we eventually got it."

My hands started shaking uncontrollably. My head hurt, and I was suddenly numb. I tried my best to not react but tears welled up in my eyes. I turned to leave, telling her to charge the card on file.

I hastily hung the clothes on the back seat hook, got in the car and drove home. Once home, I unloaded the car and curled up on the couch and cried.

I went to work the following day, I smiled when I needed to and I engaged with my coworkers when I needed to. Carl had sent a few text messages, I responded as I normally did, except now my blood boiled.

As we left the ER heading home, my phone vibrated, it was Roxie inviting me to dinner tomorrow night. I replied I was busy with Al and apologized. I got home, ate some dinner and curled up in bed, crying myself to sleep for the third night in a row.

I woke up when I heard my cell ringing. It was Carl's ring; I ignored it, letting it go to voicemail. Two days later when I finished my shift I drove over to Al's. I knocked on his door, but he didn't answer.

I sent a text; he responded that he would be home soon. I was to let myself in and I was welcome to anything in the refrigerator. I reheated some of his famous meatballs and gravy. Oddly it was comforting when I sat in my childhood chair and just hoped and prayed for clarity.

I finished about half of a meatball then stood and walked into the living room. There, on the back of her formal couch I saw mom's pink and blue chemo blanket. I walked slowly, allowing the emotions of these last days overtake me. I lifted her blanket, wrapped it around my body and curled up on the couch.

I felt the couch move and I felt Al wrap his arms around me.

"You know she loved this blanket. She loved it even more simply because you bought it for her." Al held me tighter.

"He is cheating, or has cheated on me." I started crying again. I blubbered away, "His father sleeps with his slut EA." I sobbed again.

"The apple didn't fall far from the tree. The other day he showered when he came home from work. He took a shirt and pants to the dry cleaner. When I picked it up, they told me about the purple lipstick that was hard to get out of his shirt." I paused briefly then started crying.

"I don't own purple lipstick!" I just dropped my head.

I just cried Al comforted me as much as he could. He offered to call some of his buddies from Southie but I told him that wasn't necessary. We sat on the couch and just talked my dad and me.

Al offered for me to sleep over, in my room. I accepted his offer; I didn't want to be alone. It was around 11:00 when we walked up the very familiar staircase, he went his way, and I went mine.

Who knew I would be sleeping in my childhood bedroom again.

~~~

Four days later Carl came home from his trip. I was waiting at the door, like a good woman should. I was going to wait until the perfect moment to explode, but it never came. I made certain he knew I picked up the dry cleaning; all of it.

When my alarm went off, I woke up, showered, dressed and was out the door. I was numb around him. I didn't want him touching me, but I couldn't be alone. God I hate myself right now.

The next morning in the ER was super busy. There was a school bus accident and those poor kids were wicked scared. Mostly were bumps and bruises. It sort of scared Lisa knowing it could have been her kiddo.

I pulled into the driveway and took a few deep breaths. I would remain calm and loving. I still loved him, I think, but did I? I opened my car door, gathered my stuff and headed into the house.

I really don't think I love him. How could I? He cheated or is cheating on me. I need to make a decision.

I opened the door to see Carl, his mother and father in the living room. Each had a glass of wine. I smiled and commented that I was going to take a quick shower washing the ER off of me and would join them momentarily.

I took my time in the shower, and then dressed in lounge pants and a t-shirt. I brought my scrubs out and threw them in the laundry then came into the living room and sat next to Carl like I was supposed to.

He handed me a glass of wine. Then the conversation started, about my day, what was my schedule this week? The pretty standard stuff. That is when the proverbial 'stuff' hit the fan.

"We have some new ideas for the wedding, we were thinking of spring, maybe early April." Carl's mother Andrea spoke.

I looked at Carl and raised my eyebrows at him. Waiting to see what his reaction would be. He said nothing.

"Andrea, it seems Carl hadn't shared with you our recent wedding discussion." I looked at Carl, "Maybe that slipped your mind."

He sat stoic, unphased by anything.

I sat straight up on the couch. I placed my glass of wine on the cocktail table, I needed to choose my words very carefully yet I needed to be perfectly clear.

"Andrea, Gerald, and Carl, I am asking that you understand that a few weeks ago, Carl and I had this very conversation. I asked him to share with you that I am not emotionally prepared for a spring wedding."

I stood, "Now if you will excuse me, I will get a small salad for dinner and turn in for the evening. Goodnight."

I walked into the kitchen, made myself a small salad and started walking back to our bedroom.

Andrea stood as I passed through the living room, "Alexa?" I stopped, turned and looked at her. "We just want the best for you."

"Oh really!" I spat rather emphatically.

I was tempted to ask Carl and his father, who were both having affairs, how that was 'best for me' but I didn't. I turned and walked to the bedroom. Carl came to bed, I looked at the clock and it was nearly 11:30. He mumbled something, I ignored him and rolled over going back to sleep.

At 5:00 my alarm rang, I showered, dressed and headed to work. When I got to work I saw Mary Beth had a note on the bulletin board in the nurse's lounge that if we wanted Thanksgiving time off. Holidays were by seniority. I knew I could have them off if I wanted but I thought differently. The note stated if you wanted time off to submit the request as soon as possible.

I was just about to leave for lunch when I saw Mary Beth in her office. I knocked and asked if she had time for a quick chat. She smiled and waved me in. I closed the door behind me.

"This might sound strange, but schedule me as much as needed starting Wednesday of Thanksgiving week and all of Christmas. I just ask for New Year's off, unless you need me."

Mary Beth started to say something but paused. She smiled then said, "You are always welcome at my house. Just ignore the husband and three grown children, each with a significant other." She nodded and smiled. "Hell, I understand Alexa. I might join you now that I think about it." She winked.

I walked from her office with a grateful smile on my face and headed to the cafeteria. I sent Roxie a text asking if she was there yet.

'Yep, we are waiting for our gf and my lover!' I smiled while reading her text.

'You wish slut, you two girls couldn't handle me one on one, and I would need both of you to satisfy me' I actually laughed out loud when I responded.

When I got to the cafeteria, both Roxie and Lisa were sitting there with their salads and one waiting for me. We had a nice comfortable lunch all centered on their lives, and how things are going with them.

We were finishing with lunch when my face must have given away the sadness growing in my heart. Roxie saw it first. I noticed her nod to Lisa.

"Spill it, what's on your mind?"

I smiled a half smile. "Let's see, other than I just volunteered to work the holidays, all of them, Andrea wants a spring wedding, I miss my mom ... and oh, Carl is cheating on me."

I stood, leaning towards them and whispered, "I am going back to the ER." I picked up my half eaten salad, put it on the tray and walked away dumping it in the trash as I headed back to the ER.

~~~

I woke up Saturday morning and showered then dressed. Carl inquired as to where I was going. I told him I was going out to get my hair done, then a bit of shopping and lunch with my step-father. I would return later in the day.

In truth, I got in my car and drove to the Children's Hospital just off of Fenwood Road. There was an area where children could sit and listen to music. They have a really nice piano there. Playing there was open for selected volunteers to play as long as you weren't abusive. Volunteers were actually played for the staff and had to be approved to play there.

I stopped in at the Visitor / Volunteer Registration and signed in. Karla smiled welcoming me back.

"It's been a while Ms. Fernandez." She commented, I just smiled and put the sticker on my sweater then went to the music room.

I sat for the next hour playing. There were different children; some with their parents, some without, and those without were accompanied by a nursing assistant. Some were in beds, most were in wheelchairs. A few, very few, were able to walk.

Just as I was getting ready to finish, a young boy and his mother approached. He pulled down his full face oxygen mask and asked if I could play "the Kermit Rainbow song'. I smiled and looked up at his mother.

"I think it is in the book. Let me find it. "I found it in the thick song book. "I think I can but will you help with the words?" I asked him.

He smiled, turned and looked at his mother. She nodded and then he turned to me "Yay!" He then sat on the bench with me. His mother wheeled the chair closer and attached the full face oxygen mask to him.

I slowly started playing and beautiful melodies floated in the air, several voices were trying to sing with me. Suddenly, I was filled with a slew of emotions. I smiled at the little boy and then the mother.

🎶 🎶 ... "someday we will find it, that rainbow ..." I choked up but regrouped when I thought of my mom, standing over me. I imagined Mom's hands on my shoulders. " ... lovers, dreamers ..." I took a deep breath and extended out the refrain looking at the little boy, "🎶 🎶 ... and you!"

I smiled and finished the song with a few notes, replaying the refrain, slower, but then came to a finish and laid my fingers on my thighs.

I looked over to the mother, she had tears in her eyes, and the boy suddenly wrapped his little arms around as much of me as he could. It was only then noticed his wrist bracelet, third floor south. Fuck me, the cancer center. He coughed and released me.

"Mommy, I am a little tired, can I go have my nap now?" He asked.

He stood from the bench as his mother took his hand. He thanked me, then the mother bent over and whispered in my ear.

"If you only knew how much that meant to him." she swallowed, "Bless you Miss."

She turned, picked up the boy and carried him to a wheelchair then slowly disappeared out of the room, down the corridor.

I sat for a minute and moved my fingers back to the keys. I started playing a bit of "Lady" by the rock band Styx. My mom and Al loved their music. This was a song Al would always sing to my mom; they called it their special love song.

When that finished, I started playing simple tunes I have known for the better part of the twenty years I have been playing.

I was finishing the chorus to George Handel's 'Messiah', just the chorus. It is a favorite of mine, though not a religious piece, it has religious tones, I just like playing it. Universally it is about hope, love, looking forward, in my opinion. However, I saw the mother of the young boy stop, she was by herself. She stopped to listen.

I brought the piece to completion and paused, I was finished for the day. I needed to go home at some point and explain why my hair wasn't done, if the bastard even noticed.

I paused in shock. It was the first time I called him that, even in my mind. Gawd I was horrible and so was Carl. I couldn't hide here all day. As I closed up and wiped down the piano, the boy's mother approached me.

"Pardon me." She took another step closer; her hands were clutching her purse. She was holding it and another bag, both in front of her body.

"I mean not to bother you but the smile you brought to Josh was one I hadn't seen in a long time. Thank you so much." She spoke.

I blushed, "It's my pleasure. But honestly it's fun to come here and play. I miss playing at times, and well this, well its two fold, I play for whoever wants to listen and I get to disappear in something I love to do."

Gawd I was rambling. Just shut up Alexa. I thought to myself.

"I am going to grab a coffee while he naps, can I buy you a coffee?"

I blushed again and for some reason there were butterflies in my stomach. This poor woman, whose child is in the pediatric cancer center, wanted to spend time with me.

I nodded and then responded, "I will join you but please allow me to buy you a coffee."

She smiled and we both turned and walked towards the cafeteria. It felt slightly awkward having coffee with a stranger but there was a calm and peace in my soul. I paid for our coffee and we made our way to a table off to the side.

As she placed her bags on the chair and took a seat, I could see the emotional strain in her face. I sat down and then realized this woman needed a friend or just some companionship.

"Forgive me, but I am Alexa. It's short for Alexandra." I smiled. "Way less popular of a name until that gizmo thing for the house came out." My hands were still wrapped around the warm coffee cup.

"Roni." She smiled and lowered her head a bit; she took a deep breath then looked up at me. "Abbie, my partner, thought Veronica was too formal and she dubbed me Roni. I sort of stuck with it after she passed away."

I tried to smile but my heart broke. "I am sorry. I don't mean to ... well I am sorry to hear about your partner."

She smiled one of those smiles when you remember someone and when it hurts to remember them. She dipped her head and looked back at me. "It's been two years. It gets easier with time but I have the memories of her love. Those will never fade."

She took a sip of coffee. I knew there was more. I moved my hand to hers and just rested it there.