All Comments on 'What the Hell was She Thinking'

The data dump early on where you described Grandma's quest for bio-grandchildren, the family dynamics, and so on, ruined the story. Essentially, you gave us the plot and the outcome and turned the story into another of the LW stories written according to "the formula." Instead, try working these expository elements into the dialogue of the confrontation. Instead, you re-create every circulatory scene in this trope where the spouses argue; the wife is this mindless robot repeating pre-programmed lines, and the hubby is the quintessential LW male whose petulant, passive-aggressiveness actually makes the reader dislike him. No, this is the easy way, the safe way, where the lowest common denominator reader/commenter will be satisfied. The middle of the story was muddled and repetitive and did nothing to evolve or endear the characters. Fire your editor and find one who knows something about editing (pro tip: most writers make lousy editors).

Hmmmm... interesting, but when writing these types of stories, assumptions must be made. That's because the character(s) engage in behavior that is so far out of the norm as to indicate psychosis or substance abuse. So, the writer needs to make us believe this is real. Even sci-fi and fantasy writers can find an explanation (i.e., the teleporter in Star Trek eliminated scenes and complexity of traveling by shuttlecraft), but LW writers cannot. The story of a family so screwed up that Gramma can compel her daughter to have a kid by another man is THE story. Instead of the endless round-and-round and "conflict for the sake of conflict," get inside some people's heads. You got about three-quarters of the way there, but in the end, your work suffered because, as one other commenter noted, the supporting characters are like cartoon characters. These stories always have this infallible, noble MC doing battle with a hoard of evil supporting characters. of course, he wins; it's like clubbing baby seals. Show us perdition, struggle, failure, and ultimately overcoming. Those are the elements of real fiction.

Not great but not terrible. It was over from the minute he walked into the house. The fact he let the cheating skank slut stay with him na this boys for the next ten years was a very bad move on his part. Hoping some serious pain for M-in-L Stephanie but looked like she got off Scott-free. Too bad.

Well done. Thank you!

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Be well!

For those of you saying that the house was half hers, didn't the pre-nup give the house, business, and land to Mark?

For those of that think that half the house was hers didn't the pre-nup let Mark have the house, land, and business?

And even if it didn't Hannah and her family had ten years to sort that out. If they didn't that is on them. Hannah filed everything just as Mark had originally.

Why do so many authors need to make the characters instant multi millionaires out f nowhere? A bunch of cliches put in without even being fleshed out.

Sorry but I'm finding it weird that the word Incest never came up. As soon as the convo hit that point he should have taken his kids and ran far and fast. And counseling wasn't mentioned either. Glad Susan was able to help herself when no one else was willing to. Nothing was mentioned about John and Steph. Parents condoning incest ew

I’m a sucker for stories with this plot line. Well done.

I only got as far as first few paragraphs and have to comment just on this little item that made me laugh out loud. I am sure it was unintentional, but the line was: "Hannah's dad, John, was an accountant, but was a really nice guy."

"BUT" was a really nice guy? What's with the hating on bean counters? It couldn't have read "AND" was a really nice guy? Like I said, I am sure it was unintentional, and most people likely didn't even notice, but I found it hilariious. Story is looking good so far though...

I enjoyed the story giving it 4*. I agree with some other commenters that the story would have benefited from some of the supporting characters not being so 2 dimensional. Looking at the story logic, it mostly worked for me, but I wondered why a couple, where the wife never actually cheated, never pursued counseling in 10 years post-argument. Not a deal-breaker, as some people don't think much of counseling, so omitting it is reasonable. The story just seemed mysterious to me as to why they could never get over this near-miss on cheating. The rationale for them splitting seemed to be that they both just too stubborn, which calls into question their suitability as a couple in the first place.

If two sisters swap husbands, they would be getting it on with two men who are not blood related to them. Where the heck comes the incest perspective from? I get they would be with their in laws, but again no incest in sight. I may be missing something though.

Stopped reading found it hard going with the very poor writing, maybe try english grammer next time.

4 Stars as I thought that some of the sub characters were left hanging .

When someone is going to complain about an author's "english grammer" being poor, they should (a) use proper capitalization, (b) spell-check, and (c) figure out where the periods go at the ends of full thoughts. (Being generous and assuming that thinking occurred.)

Pretty good take on a well-used plot line. The lack of understanding about harvesting eggs, hurt the storyline a bit. Maybe he should have just announced he was getting a vasectomy then if his wife gets pregnant everyone would know she cheated. The MIL obviously never approved of Mark and seemed to delight in the idea of making him a willing cuckold. The daughters just played right into the MIL's plan - a fatal miscalculation.

I get the my body my choice thing but to not include her hubby in this is just asking for trouble. Too bad they didn't divorce sooner and he gets a better ending

Sorry they couldn't make it back.. I am sure I would have tried in his position. Better the devil you know .....

One thing I disliked about this is the half dozen or more times the MC had to explain his opinion. Once, twice at the most and then I wouldn't waste my breath on it.

In laws were toxic AF and the wife sure liked the idea of being disrespectful to her husband.

Great potential but you took it the wrong way.

A postnuptial was needed where she lost her rights to anything past that moment, with an attached confession of why this was needed and what she had done to cause this.

An all out ban for Stephanie, Barclay, Alex and even Susan and John, noting to the children that the group have threatened the stability of the family, and that the ban was necessary for the health of the family.

Counselling to prevent the disruption of the marriage.

Once divorce was to happen the kids were to be informed and given access to the confession and the proof of what happened.

Need some basic refresher on female biological systems… having your tubes tied does not stop your period, nor does it stop eggs from being released…. A HS student would know this

No happily married couple would do this to their spouse and definitely no man I know would let his wife be the fuck slut of his brother inlaw.

A bit repetitive, but I liked that he stuck to his guns. I understand the "staying together for the kids" bit but it makes for a lousy 10 years of your life. Moving to Napa would have been great but why go to work if you have 30 million in the bank? See the world.

Some of the saddest moments in literary divorce fiction, are the quiet, last moments when the couple finally realizes that their life journey has come to an end. Sometimes it is a kiss goodbye, sometimes a teary embrace, or maybe it is that one last glance to each other before you turn the corner and vanish. It is small moment in time, just a few sentences, but it carries the weight of the entire work. This is often overlooked in these stories. You have done it masterfully here and although I may forget the shenanigans, I will remember the tender kiss on the cheek for a long time.

Great writing for 10 big blazing stars. The MIL conniving for hubby's wife to fuck her BIL so she can carry her sisters baby won't be agreeable to most husbands. LOL Sounds to me MiL was just trying to split them up and wife just wanted BIL's dick. LOL Good Job and Good effort writing. Thanks very much. Buster2U

The story does not say that more eggs could not be harvested, only that no more eggs were viable. Which suggests that they probably did try to get more.

At the time of the harebrained scheme, Hannah is 35. A woman is born with her entire lifetime's supply of egg cells. She loses 90% of them by the age of 30, and 97% of them are gone by 40. In addition, the viability of the eggs also begins to decline at about the age of 30. By the mid-30s, chances of successful fertilization are about 20%, and by 40 are only about 5%.

It may have been abrupt, bu I liked the ending. Just and tidy.

"I think it is for the best. I will not drag it out" he said, TEN YEARS LATER! Sheesh.

I liked this story == I found the characters to be credible, although the stunning economic successes fell outside the boundaries of credibility. The one thing that was missing was a likable character -- someone the reader should care about -- why should we care?

2 stars. It was reasonably well written, but: (1) The bitch mother didn't lose ANYTHING, (2) the bitch wife didn't lose anything meaningful AND ended up undeservedly happy in the end, (3) the bitch susan didn't lose much (yeah she didn't gain the kids, but that didn't take anything away from her she did have before. So basically, he had half his life stolen from him by asswipes and the author didn't punish the asswipes in any way.

Who works when they have thirty million in the bank?

Fun. But can your next story be how to pickup women 20 years younger? Oops forgot about the 30 mil!!

A nice story well told. Still, I can't understand why the two didn't divorce ten years ago?

Ten wasted years!!!

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At least the MC didn't win the lottery or reveal his secret "Seal/Raider/Ranger" persona but he sure racked in the millions didn't he? Truly some miserable humans in this one. Pretty well written though. 4*

Wasted a lot of time not dumping her the first time and people with thirty million don't start mechanicing again unless it's on their own car collection like Leno. Damn good story though.

Overall, an enjoyable tho heart wrenchingly sad story. That everybody except Mark was involved in the decision making discussion. To say this was hugely disrespectful would be an over simplification. A loving wife doesn't exclude her husband in this type of discussion. That Hanna's sister told him there's no reason to include him is also harmful. They must've learned their disrespect & humiliation from their mother, who seemed to be full of it.

>> Mark said the same things over & over. 2-3 times is more than enough. If Hannah doesn't respect him enough, which it looks like she didn't, the extra words'll mean nothing.

>> He filed for divorce & should've kept it. Children are worse in homes that don't function right, be it yelling, fighting, or just the strain of pretending everything's OK. As it turned out, divorce's what happened anyway. And after all the fighting, hard feeling, etc., her sister, working with those special needs kids, found out that not having her own wasn't the worse.

>> I'm happy shithead Barclay wound up being the total loser. All he wanted to do was have sex with his sister in law to get the kid, & when that didn't happen, wound up with the surrogate who wound up cheating on the cheater. KARMA!!!

2 stars on, except Mark, were a bunch of assholes. But the 4 star rating on the writing & telling the story. Bob

You got the guts to take comments, my hats off to Ya.

Actually an editor would make the story go smoother but

You would loose part of who you really are.

I feel I understood your story quite well and that's what I like.

I have not read the comments before writing this comment, now I shall.

Enjoyable story. The MC was perhaps a bit too articulate for a car mechanic but I sure liked the way he thought.

Just re-read this story after you posted a new one. I enjoyed it but for a couple things. First the MC's explanation of what he would accept was not really clear. I would have him explain in more detail to all gathered at that initial intervention. At the same time, he should have been far more forceful as to his input being left out in the planning stages.

His explanation of his wife's blood pressure and hospitalization as a reason for her NOT to be the surrogate should have been emphasized as well. That just justifies his position against the whole issue.

You did well with the followup argument, about what happens if getting her pregnant takes time etc and subsequent pregnancies.

Having Hannah get her tubes tied did nothing for the story. It was both superfluous and ridiculous. It does not interfere with her producing eggs, nor stop her period if she still wanted to have one. All that does is prevent the egg from reaching the uterus if it is fertilized. Nothing to do where she might get pregnant again but by somebody else.

And he could tell her if she did get pregnant, he'd get a DNA test in vivo and divorce her ass long before the baby would be born.

My point is, do a little research and cover the plot holes. If you think a multi-millionaire would start another mechanic shop, fine. But explain why: he missed working and dealing with people. Like somebody said, he'd have likely done stuff on his own like Leno.

Story wasn't bad. Well other than marring a woman who was controlled by her mother..that never works. I wonder if there is story out there where the ask the MCs wife to do this and she laughs and tells them to fuck off my husband would kill me. I guess it would not make for a long story. Good writing.

Three stars. Not much to say for a story I see as Average.

JPB

A pig is a pig no matter how you dress it up

1 star - not even remotely believable.

In real life, the SLUT would have been kicked to the curb on the ambush night - end of story - NO drama.

The plot has holes you could stick a whale's dick through. Dislike two stars - he should have just proceeded with the divorce at the time of the filing.

Seems like I've read almost the same thing before...

LW checklist:

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1.) Hubby has at least $1 million at time of separation: CHECK

2.) Hubby has ironclad prenup: CHECK

3.) Hubby has new sex partner within 72 hours of separation: NOPE

4.) Wifey gets burned: More of a singe

5.) Kids hate hate one of the parents: CHECK

6.) Pizza is eaten at least twice per page: CHECK

7.) At least two showers are taken per page: CHECK

6.) Wifey's paramour is a despicable cad: CHECK

8.) Wifey is miserable forever after: CHECK

9.) Hubby makes some gesture of inclusion to wifey: CHECK

10.) Hubby lives in ecstatic bliss forever after: CHECK

Same old same old, stupid premise. Why would the wife need to carry ten and twelve year olds up to bed?

WOW another top story Looks like i will have to read all of you tales Is ok I have already read over 2000 stories on L W (jaybee186)

Loved this one, Top! Thanks!!!

Hilarious ending. Righteous.

Another 5***** story!!

Top drawer writing. A joy to read beautiful flow and dialogue. Dialogue for us readers is truly the oxygen of any story. Nothing makes a connection between the readers and characters of the story like dialogue. Your comment about rushed endings is correct. From a personal and readers point of view, far too much wordage is spent on back story with the conflict being the main focus as it should be then a quick exit stage left for the epilogue. That being said we are so lucky to have you writers swimming with us in the Shark Tank we lovingly call LW

good parts and bad parts. Hannah's mom deserved a BTB or garlic tipped stake thru her heart

Honestly, the unbelievable part of this story is that they would stay together for so long if their marriage was that bad after the near divorce. I know people who have recovered from WAY, WAY worse in a year or two and people who have recovered from actual adultery in a few years, hell they even have better marriages than they had before. To me, the problem they have is pretty trivial in comparison to serious relationship problems and it begs the question - Why didn't they just get divorced when it was filed if their intention was NOT to actually fix their marriage? It was certainly not irreparable. Don't get me wrong, I really liked this story (4/5) but the conclusion felt forced and unnatural. No one with that amount of money stays in a loveless marriage for that long.

There are much better variants of this plot thread. In some of those Hannah is like "Hell no!" to her mother. The ending was kind of lackluster., except for the last part with Barclay. But the MC and Hannah went out with a whimper. Hannah wasn't evil, she just couldn't see or understand how upset her husband was. Author kind of blew it by having the IVF fail. They can harvest many eggs. But even more important, they can harvest eggs AFTER tubal ligation and use a different surrogate. -1 point for lacking some basic research.

The author wanted to make a point: selfish love does not make a good marriage. The mother a miserable selfish controlling woman raised two selfish brats. She demanded their loyalty to her above loyalty to their husbands and children. The author of marriage said that partners are to leave their birth families and unselfishly support each other above all others. The author did that well and I voted with a 5!

Now as to complaints. The story is like a parable. There is a point or points of comparison. To step away from the author's stated points is to murder the author's creation.

Finding a story written in the author's created world by comparing to what you perceive the real world to be is simply and act of both ignorance and hubris.

Really was a fascinating and compelling story very well written. Quite sad of course. The ending was inevitable.

Silly woman, sigh.