What's Distance When You're in Me?

Relationships are glorious, fulfilling and flawed, but in all the right ways. At least that was what I thought, believed rather, with every fibre of my being. Despite my mother's disapproval, I spent many nights watching movies from the entire spectrum of romantic movies, these artificial depictions of reality defined romance and from that definition, I moulded the idea of love.

My model was based on the scenes of last-minute kisses in the aisle of an airplane, preventing take-off while everyone swooned over the newly reunited couple, not once did I even fathom of the ugly reality that is the relationship itself, the unattractive scenes that played out after the credits had rolled. I didn't need to imagine it though; the post-credit scenes became my life.

The more time I spent with him, the less it felt like I was a part of a relationship, it felt more like I was portraying the character of a woman in a relationship, to be fair, most of the time the scenes felt like monologues; I would talk about the latest electric bill and I would be lucky if I got a nod in response.

At first, I understood, his was a demanding field of work and he had been receiving increasingly negative reviews from his line manager, so he felt the pressures of keeping his job, adding to that, three family generations preceding him carried significant weight in the accountancy field and his only fear was being the first to let down the family name. The only thing worse than the lack of conversation was the lack of intimacy, how can two people who barely engage in conversation jump the barrier of physical touch? The issue was never that I was not sexually attracted to him; in fact, I would find myself getting moist in between the legs when I thought about the way he used to touch me. The issue was time; he arrived home towards the end of the night when I had already made my way to bed and he always had a hard time waking me and so it became routine that upon arrival, he would join me in bed, the distance between us gradually increasing.

I had a lot of nights to myself and when you have watched every single episode of each show, you grow tired of staring blankly at a television screen and so amid desperate loneliness, you engage with your thoughts. On one such night, I got home and found that I would be gifted the gift of my own company, as per usual and so I decided to heat the food that I prepared the previous night in the hopes of sharing a meal with my partner, it's anyone's guess that I ate alone.

"Two nights in a row, it almost feels like back in the day when my roommate was away, and I had the whole apartment to myself. Simpler times" I whispered to the pots full of food, staying true to the nature of a monologue. I prepared a plate for myself and just as I was about to finish, I wondered whether I should make an extra plate and put it in the microwave. I went back and forth with myself until I decided against it on the basis that each time he came home late, he couldn't eat because "he had too much to eat at the business dinner". Without warning, I felt myself brimming with a feeling I could only describe as rage.

Suddenly, every explanation he had ever given me sounded like a minimum-effort lie, I felt as though I was being deceived. Every late night at the office slowly warped into intimate interactions with various women, during the time he was supposed to be spending trying to destroy the ever-increasing distance between us.

In a blind fit of rage, I made my way to my phone and dialled his number; it was only when I heard his voice on the other end of the line that I knew that I had not planned what I was going to say. "Hello?" he repeated several times, doubts started creeping in, maybe I was wrong to assume the worst of him. "Is something wrong?" he asked with panic in his voice, "No, what are you doing." I stuttered in a weak attempt to sound normal. There was silence on the line, "I am at work and you know this, I need to go." "Can you prove it?" I shouted in an attempt to get a word in before he hung up the phone. More silence followed and he took a long, deep breath and said in the calmest voice, "Is there a reason you called me other than to interrogate me because you sound like you've given your insecurities the phone."

I felt myself being taken out of my body; he had never been so harsh to me without being provoked. We had had arguments that had boiled over into an exchange of words, mainly aimed at hurting each other before and it had been so long that it felt foreign hearing him jab at me in such a manner. I looked at the phone and my finger moved to the red icon without giving it a second thought.

Whenever we got into a fight at night, I would struggle to find sleep and as the years progressed, I found a solution, it has never been the healthiest, but it has been the most convenient: sleeping pills. After processing the phone call, I headed straight to the kitchen and filled a glass with water and reached for the pill bottle, mentally debating how many I should take. Thoughts of my early morning the following day led to me taking only one, it wouldn't overpower me in the morning, but it would make me sleepy enough to catch sleep. I gulped the pill and water combination down and headed to the bedroom, slowly undressing on the way, when I reached the bedroom, I was already stripped down and I threw all my clothes into the laundry basket behind the door.

The room was chilly and smelled slightly of smoke, I walked over to the huge studio windows to close them and draw the curtains. My eyes wandered into the street which was empty except for an old man slowly walking his equally old dog, I watched him until he turned the corner then I slid the window closed. I reached for the curtains then noticed a handprint stained onto the glass, memories of me pinned against the window, looking outside while being penetrated from behind spreading through my mind like wildfire. My hand moved down my stomach and into my panties where my fingers felt around my entrance for wetness, upon finding it, it slid back out just as slowly as it went in. I looked down at my hand, brightly lit orange by the streetlights outside, to see my fingers glistening with my moisture. I slowly rubbed it between my thumb and my pointer finger before pulling them apart and admiring the string of wetness that spread like a bridge between the two fingers.

With the newly found excitement, I drew the curtains and headed towards the bed. I got into bed and sniffed the area he slept on to get his scent. I didn't understand how I could be so furious at him and yet be so turned on by him, even in his absence. He filled my mind with desires and fantasies I couldn't imagine on my own and he filled my underwear with the juices of this desire. While in bed, I took my panties off and started thinking about the night he took me in front of the whole neighbourhood; I looked at the window, then closed my eyes and started imagining him with me, in the bedroom.

In my mind, I played the scene out; He had just come out of the bathroom, his body still steaming from the shower. I did not hear him entering the bedroom, and I was getting undressed so I could get dressed for bed. He stood behind me quietly, sizing me up, watching me, all the while getting excited for me. He waited for me to get naked except for a pink thong, "Don't put anything on." He growled from behind me, I turned around, slightly surprised. My eyes were immediately pulled to his centre; the towel he had wrapped around his waist had risen to make a tent. I smiled in anticipation and headed towards the bed and waited for him to approach me.

He kept his eyes on me all the way until I sat on the bed; almost as if I called him, he rushed towards me and stood directly in front of me. I looked up at him with the most neutral facial expression I could muster. I didn't want him to know how desperate I was to feel his fingertips slowly grazing my skin; I wanted to play his game, the game of seduction. Right on cue, he reached for my face and gently caressed my cheek before moving down to my neck and giving it a slight squeeze. The squeeze became tighter and tighter until I was pulling at his arm with my hand. "Stand." He commanded with a tone that was laced with something that felt deeper than lust. I did as he desired and before I was fully on my feet, he spun me around and slammed my back into himself. With this free hand, he ripped the towel off his body and tossed it aside, he then proceeded to move into me, and his cock licked the inside of my thighs. Finally, he released my throat from his tight clench and started grabbing and groping every part of my body, he did it with such aggressive and swift moves that I let out involuntary moans from my slightly parted lips.

Unable to hold back his need to be inside me, he grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me towards the window and shoved my face against the cold hard surface of the glass. His other hand moved down and pulled my underwear down my thighs, without taking it off completely, he gripped my thigh and dug his fingers into my skin to pull my legs apart. "Spread your legs, " he breathed into my neck; I obeyed and immediately spread my legs for him. For a few seconds, the only thing filling the room was his deep, husky breaths and my needy panting. It made me even wetter thinking about how desperately he wanted me. While I watched the scenes playing out in my head, I peeled my thighs apart and the smell of my moisture flowed through the open space in between my thighs and into the room. His name danced on the naked skin of my lips while I moaned profanities.

My hand made its way down and rested on my clit and began rubbing it slowly in circles, overwhelmed by lust, my clit pulsated with vigour. I recalled days and nights when my hand was his and he rubbed me to a climax. I thought about how prior to penetrating me with his hard cock he'd use his fingers to make me groan his name. I closed my eyes and envisioned how wet and glistening his fingers were when he brought them to my lips so I could enjoy my flavour.

"Oh fuck." I groaned as my own finger entered me, I was so lost in him that my body began taking his form. I readjusted myself so my fingers could feel the moisture gathering at my entrance, I re-entered myself and smiled at how wet he could make me without even being in the room. I pushed my finger further inside and felt around my inside looking for the spot he used to tame me. As I entered deeper inside, I felt my warmth and wetness swallowing my finger. Images of him pushing himself into my abdomen flashed through my mind, I remembered how much he loved it inside me, wrapped up tight and at my mercy. I could hear his heavy breathing and my pounding heart as his eyes dilated and his muscles contracted as he broke past my tightness resulting in me getting even more excited. My free hand reached down my midsection and went on to ravage my clit while my other hand continued to penetrate me, not as well as he could.

Just as I was about to have my release, I heard the door opening downstairs and banged my fist on the bed in frustration before getting up quickly to look for my underwear. I contemplated going to get rid of the wetness behind my panty, but my thought was erased by the heavy sound of his footsteps heading upstairs. Instead, my hand reached to the left of the bed and grabbed my phone; I drew a long breath, then pretended to be scrolling down the timeline on twitter. Before long, the door swung open and his frame filled the door. I looked up and gave him a small smile before staring blankly at the phone screen, if my skin was a tiny bit lighter, he would have seen the pink I could feel flushing my skin. For some odd reason, I felt as if I was caught doing something wrong.

My eyes were halfway on my phone and halfway on him, I watched him walk to the corner of the room and grab his sleeping shorts and start unbuckling his belt before bending over to untie his shoes and pull his trousers down. It was only when he turned around and headed towards the bed that I noticed that I was staring at him. I looked down and moved from Twitter to Pinterest to appear busy.

After putting his pants on, he headed straight for me and stood next to the side of the bed I was sitting on, with eyebrows creased, I looked up at him and said "what?" he smiled at me and mouthed "my side of the bed". I grinned in embarrassment, then tried to move over and accidentally dropped my phone. Just as I was about to reach over to pick it up, he bent down on one knee and felt around on the floor under the bed, as he found it, he began stretching his back to kneel up straight but stopped eye level from my hand which was placed right at the edge of the bed. His eyes slowly scanned my fingers before initiating contact with mine. I cursed at myself when I realized what he had just discovered.

I decided to leave the phone and retreat to my side of the bed. He got up and raised the blankets and slipped in with my phone still in his hand. Seated next to me, he moved the phone from his right hand to his left and motioned for me to take it; I reached over to receive it. Instead of handing it over, he dropped it swiftly onto the bed, grabbed my hand and brought it to his nose, taking a big whiff of it. My entire arm tensed up, but he held it tightly so I knew I couldn't pull it away until he was done with it. A slight throb emerged from my clit as I watched him eating up the smell of my insides with his nose. He dropped my hand and looked at me in a way that made me want to shy away from his glaze.

While maintaining eye contact, I picked up my phone, unlocked it and headed over to the clock app so I could switch off my six o'clock alarm, seeing as the following day was a public holiday; all the while trying my best to look unaffected by what he just did. His eyes burned through the side of my head and I could feel that he was trying to control his anger and lust. As much as he enjoyed ignoring me, he couldn't stand it when I did the same. Something inside me coaxed me to push the limit even further than I had, I desperately wanted his attention, I wanted to feel his hands running along my back, but he wouldn't do it if he smelled even an ounce of desperation from me. So, I played with his pride and slid into the blankets and lay down facing away from him, "good night" I whispered. A few minutes passed and he hadn't moved from his position, he just sat there, upright, staring down at me. I wondered if I had done enough to make him want me, the longer he stayed motionless, the more I started thinking that maybe I hadn't done enough.

Without thinking about it, I shuffled closer to him, so my ass touched his thigh. Immediately after I did this movement, his hand threw the blanket off of half my body and his hand landed on my thigh and gave it a squeeze. My eyes stayed shut and my body gave nothing less than a flinch in response, "I have more control over my body than I imagined" I thought smugly. His hand began gliding down my thigh, towards my inner thigh and my lips parted slightly, I felt the throb that arrived earlier grow in size, before I could even make sense of what was happening, he dug his fingers into my skin and pulled my thighs apart which resulted in me laying face up with my legs apart. I looked up at him to see him staring down at me, not at my face, but at my underwear, which was now visible as my shirt had rode up.

"Take it off." He said in a low voice, with seriousness about him, my breathing had changed, I was practically panting. I was disappointed at how little he had to do to get me so wet; I comforted myself by reminding myself of how long it had been since he had his hands on me in such a manner. I raised my hips to pull my panties down, but right before I reached up for them, his hand had already grabbed it and he was pulling it down, before long it was on the floor and he was pulling my shirt over my head.

He liked it when I was completely naked while he was dressed, even if he wasn't fully dressed, I always guessed that it gave him power of some sort. He moved down in-between my legs and I spread them without hearing the command to do so. I prepared to feel his tongue lapping around on my clit; instead, he knelt in front of me, looked down at my pussy and stated: "get on your hands and knees." I rose quickly and bent facing away from him and he moved closer to me, so close that I could feel his bulge rubbing against my ass and slightly on my pussy. His one hand moved to the top of my ass and his other moved straight towards my pussy lips and started rubbing them slowly.

I moaned under my breath and attempted to grind against his fingers as he was intentionally avoiding my clit and it was driving me insane craving the contact and not getting it. He noticed the speed at which my hips moved, and he pressed down on me using the hand he placed strategically above my ass to limit my movement. I stood there, on all fours moaning and groaning, hoping for him to finally give me what I so desperately needed but he didn't. Instead, he moved his hand up and slipped two fingers into my pussy, he started caressing my insides slowly, rubbing against my walls, slowly looking for my g-spot. Upon finding it, he pressed hard into it and I felt my knees get weak and my legs start shaking slowly.

When he noticed that I was already close to climaxing, he pulled his fingers out at a torturously slow speed before plunging them back into me, I gasped as the other fingers on the outside pushed into my sensitive pussy lips. He continued this motion until his fingers were dripping. Suddenly, he stopped, and I felt desperation slowly sweeping over me before I could even protest, he lay on the bed facing up and moved up in between my legs, directly above my pussy. As soon as he adjusted himself well, I spread my legs and lowered myself down into his mouth and my clit met with his tongue almost immediately, a loud moan escaped my lips as the pleasure took over. I bit my lips and moaned as I felt his tongue licking on and around my clit, taking it into his mouth entirely before sucking on it and releasing it, only to do it again.

He repeated the motion two more times and I felt an orgasm already building up, I prayed for it to delay so I could enjoy the sensation for longer. Just as my prayer ended, he entered me with his fingers again and began pumping into me while licking and sucking on my clit. The orgasm I wanted to withhold came rushing in, flooding my mind with pleasure I hadn't felt in so long. My moans turned into slight squeals and I felt myself coming on his chin, I came so much that the come flowed down his chin onto his chest. My upper body collapsed onto the bed, still shaking and groaning from the orgasm.

While I lay there, chest heaving, he moved from under me and pulled his shorts and boxers enough to release his dick. He moved forward and used both hands to raise me up from my sleeping position, so I was back on all fours again. I knew what was coming and I was ready to satisfy him more than he had just satisfied me, so I adjusted my back and formed an arch for him to penetrate and enjoy me.

He held his dick and brought it to my entrance, but instead of penetrating me, he rubbed it around my pussy to make it wet with my abundant juices. When he felt it was wet enough, he moved it to my hole and began penetrating me slowly, only inserting the tip. I could hear him groaning behind me, his groan sounded desperate, desperate to fuck me so hard and tear my womb apart, but I could feel that he was conflicted because I knew he wanted to savour me, to devour me slowly so he could enjoy every second of it.

He pushed further into me and I could feel how tightly I was wrapped around him; his groan gave way for a moan and I moaned right after him. His pace picked up slowly as his strokes became deeper and more intentional. My head fell between my arms as I felt tears building up in the corner of my eyes, I knew I wanted him, but I didn't know how much it was until I had him inside me. My mouth opened and I began begging him to take me, "please, I want you inside." He obeyed and gave me one thrust that sent my entire body into a frenzy, I came and unintentionally, I broke out of my arch and tried running. He grabbed me by the hips, pushed my lower back down, "stay". He grunted and began ramming himself into me. My fingers curled and took handfuls of the sheets into them and I began moaning so loud, I was convinced I'd have a headache in the morning.