Wheels In Motion Ch. 04

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing babe, that just took a lot out of me and we're both drunk. Feels like time for sleep is all." She gave me one final kiss then laid her head back and closed her eyes again.

I watched her for a while, disappointed. After an orgasm like that I wanted nothing more than to kiss her for as long as we could stand it before we built back up to lovemaking again. I wanted to make her feel cared for, wanted. I wanted her to make me feel the same. Real lovemaking, not fucking. But I worried that might not be what Viv wanted. I laid my cheek on her soft breast. She raised a hand to stroke my hair, but stopped a few minutes later when she started softly snoring.

Sleep didn't claim me for a long time.

When I woke the next morning, Viv was already in the bathroom. She was washing her short hair when I stepped into the shower behind her and took over massaging soap into her scalp. She made a sound of pleasure and leaned back against me.

"Want to go have brunch?" I asked, running one soapy hand down around her breasts. She sucked in a breath when I pinched her nipple.

"Can't. I have to get home and get my laundry done. I've got a shift starting at four tonight and I don't have any clean uniforms."

"Okay," I said, disappointed. I kept reaching around her, stroking her body. "Maybe next time we go out we can do it when you have a day off the next day. You know... so we can spend the day together?" She turned and faced me, her expression a mask. "I just... Viv, I want to move past this 'friends with benefits' thing we have going on. I'm tired of just hooking up. I want more."

I leaned in to kiss her, but she shied away from me.

"Whoa, Addie. Slow down. What happened to you being too hurt for a relationship? What happened to us both understanding we probably aren't right for each other long term?"

"I'm ready to move past my Liz thing. And you and I have been... I think we're good together. I told you, I don't care about how much school either of us have or how different our jobs are. We have fun together. Let's see where it goes."

She stared at me doubtfully.

"What?" I asked.

"You didn't say you're over your Liz thing. You said you're ready to be over your Liz thing. Those are two entirely different statements."

"I meant I'm over my Liz thing."

"Uh huh."

"I am. Viv, I am! Promise."

"Okay... we'll see how it goes," she said, still dubious. I leaned into her and this time she let me kiss her. I ran my hands over her body, caressing her breasts, her hips, and running my hand between her legs. Then I knelt down in front of her and returned the favor from the night before.

"Not sure what you're complaining about" Amber said to me later that morning.

After our shower, Viv had headed home to laundry and work so I'd called Amber to see if she wanted to meet for brunch. We were sitting at one of the tiny tables on the sidewalk outside Kramer Books in DuPont Circle drinking mimosas.

"I'm complaining because I don't want to be just a booty call," I said grumpily.

"When I was single, I'd love to be a booty call like that," my friend said, "but then I think I'd be the one on the giving end, throwing you against the window. Nora likes that, you know." She grinned at me while I turned pink and looked around to see if anyone had overheard us.

"It was fine at first," I said. "I just want us to be more..." I trailed off, looking off into the distance.

"I get it, you're a relationship girl. Viv is your rebound from Liz, but now you're feeling cheap since all you two do is go out for a bit then go back to your place and hmm-hmm." She lowered her voice in deference to my obvious uncomfortableness about talking about the subject in public.

"Every time we're together it goes the same," I complained, "A night out followed by a night in. She leaves first thing in the morning. Last week she didn't even spend the night, she left right afterwards. She said she had an early morning shift on the Metro and had forgotten to bring her uniform. I don't think she forgot really. I think she didn't bring one so she'd have an excuse to leave. I just want her to hang out the next day sometimes, and... I don't know."

"Do relationship things?" Amber asked.

"Yes," I admitted. "I want us to move to the next step."

"Look, I think you need to face up to reality. She's clearly not looking for something serious right now. Plus, she's not the right girl for you anyway."

"You don't know that!" I protested.

She rolled her eyes at me. "If you want to be in a relationship, option one is you need to break it off with her and look for someone else. If you don't think you're ready for a relationship because of the whole Liz thing, then option two is to just enjoy what you have going on with Viv. Because the third option is to be a hermit and never get laid until you're over her, whenever that might be."

I sighed. "Amber, I--" I interrupted myself as a woman in a wheelchair sped past on the sidewalk and I turned completely around in my seat to follow her. It wasn't Liz. When I turned back, Amber was eying me.

"Oh yeah, option one is right out the fucking window," she said, flatly. "You're still totally hung up on Liz."

"Am not!"

"If you'd spun around in your chair any faster, you'd have screwed yourself into the ground, my friend."

"How often do you see a woman in this neighborhood in a wheelchair? She lives like three blocks from here. I just thought it might be her and it would be rude to ignore her if she saw me."

"Addison, that woman was at least forty. And she was Asian."

I found myself at a loss for words. "I... look... whatever!"

"Listen, I can't believe I'm the one who is going to suggest this, but do you think maybe you need to sit down and talk with Liz?"

"What? No, why would I do that?" I said, shocked. "I'm with Viv now." Amber had been the earliest skeptic of my relationship with Liz.

"No. You aren't really with Viv, you just won't admit it. Besides, maybe it would get you some closure."

"Closure? How would hanging out with Liz again bring me closure?"

"I didn't say you should hang out with her, just talk to her. I've never seen you as hung up on someone as you are now. I have to wonder if it's because of how you ended it, just walking out on her and blocking her on every communication channel you could think of. It's been two months and you're still clearly not over her. Meanwhile you're in this booty call situation with someone who you really shouldn't be dating--hang on, let me finish!" she interrupted as I opened my mouth to protest. "You and I both know you don't have a future with Viv. You're from different worlds. You have different goals in life right now. You want a relationship while she just wants a fuck buddy. If all you were doing was hooking up for wild sex now and then it'd be fine, but you're pushing her to act like your girlfriend when neither she nor you are ready for it! Shit, if she did suddenly latch onto you, I'd bet my next paycheck you'd run screaming. And it'd be because she's not Liz."

"You don't know what you're talking about. Viv and I agreed this morning to give things a try." I said.

"Okay, sure thing Addie," she said, rolling her eyes. She leaned back in her chair and picked up her mimosa. "You keep on pretending I'm not right. We'll see how that works out for you. I'll be here to take you out drinking when you crash and burn."

~~ GW Hospital, Washington, DC, June ~~

LIZ

The monotone buzz of the Life Flight helicopter was a familiar, almost comforting sound to me as it approached. It wasn't the mid-range staccato rumble of a Blackhawk or the basso thunder of a Chinook, but it had grown just as familiar to me during the last eighteen months at GW.

A group of us waited for the arriving patient on the roof, with Doctor Chandra and myself standing patiently next to the double doors leading to where the elevator down to the E.R. was being held for us by a nurse. Two other trauma nurses waited with us. Angel was one of them, bouncing on his toes in anticipation while we watched the blue and white Euro-Copter circle the rooftop landing pad to line up with the wind.

"What are you smiling at?" Doctor Chandra shouted over the noise to me.

"My friend Jo is the pilot," I yelled back, nodding towards the chopper.

She looked back at the helicopter. The sun was reflecting brilliantly off the canopy, making it painful to look at. "How on earth can you see her from here?"

"She dipped the main rotor twice on her bank. Trust me, it's Jo..." Jo had a very distinctive style behind the controls.

The aircraft came in and settled quickly and smoothly onto the pad. The side door slid open, then two flight medics jumped out and started unloading a gurney which carried a man strapped onto a backboard. They dropped the folding wheels down as Angel and the other nurse rushed forward to help.

I took a moment to look through the canopy and sure enough, Jo was in the left seat. She waved at me, then held up one hand spinning her index finger in a circle in the air, pointed at her head with her thumb then held up her hand showing her fingers with her thumb holding her pinky-finger down. I gave her a thumbs up, then we both threw salutes at each other with matching grins.

The medics and nurses arrived back at the elevator with the patient, one of the medics shouting over the sound of the rotors, "Thirty-five-year-old male, rollover MVA! Semi-responsive to stimuli, BP one-fifteen over seventy, pulse eighty, O2 is ninety-six!" We all crowded into the elevator next to the gurney and the door closed, mercifully cutting off the noise and wind of the rotor wash.

Doctor Chandra began our initial evaluation on the way down to the E.R., and once in the triage theater, determined that the unconscious patient wasn't in imminent danger of expiring. She ordered a CT scan as well as a full blood panel. The nurses rolled the patient out to get the requested tests. We'd have to wait for the tests for the next stage of assessment.

"You okay, Liz?" she asked me.

I knew what was coming next. As part of our assessment, I'd run an instrument along the man's feet and hands. There'd been no response to painful stimuli when I'd poked at the soles of his feet, while he'd flinched from the pain in his hands. Apart from a pretty bad concussion, he likely had a serious spinal injury from the crash.

"I'm fine, thanks," I said, hoping to head off the discussion. No dice.

"I'm always worried about you when we get a case like that in. I don't know how you don't get stressed out seeing spinal cases."

I sighed. "It's just part of life, Doctor Chandra. If seeing people in vehicle crashes triggered flashbacks for me I'd never have made it as an E.R. resident. For some reason, it's just never been a problem for me."

"Okay," she said as we entered the doctor's lounge. I poured a cup of coffee as she made herself some tea. "Is there anything else bothering you? For the last few weeks you've been less... I don't know... you, I guess is the best way to put it."

"Just personal stuff is all. You know how awesome the social lives of us residents can be, right?"

That earned me a chuckle. "Yes, I remember my residency well. What were those hand signals you and your friend the pilot were making upstairs?"

I laughed. "Oh, that was just something left over from the Army. Jo was saying 'Rally on me at six'. She was reminding me I'm having dinner with her and her wife tonight."

"Going somewhere nice I hope," she said before cautiously sipping her steaming mug.

"I'm meeting them at Jaleo's. It's their favorite restaurant in DC. Something about their first date in the city after Jo came back from Afghanistan."

"Well I hope you enjoy it. Are you on tomorrow?"

"Nope, my one day off this week."

"Excellent. Have a drink for me while you're out," she said with a smile.

I cocked my head at her. "You don't drink," I observed.

"Well then, you'd better have two drinks for me," she said, causing me to laugh.

I was late leaving the hospital and didn't roll up to Jaleo's until six fifteen. Jo and Jill were at an outdoor sidewalk table and already had a pitcher of white sangria and an extra glass waiting for me. Jo had their stroller parked next to her on the sidewalk and was bouncing their son, little Eric, on her knee.

"How's it going J-Squared?" I said as I rolled to a stop and locked my wheels. They'd already had a chair removed so I could fit at the table.

"Couldn't be better," Jill said. "We're finally getting to the stage where we can go out to dinner with this little guy. We can't stay too late, though. Gotta get him back and in bed by, like, eight thirty, but it's a big improvement from a couple months ago. I'd almost forgotten what eating out was like."

"I can imagine," I said and reached out my hands. "Hand him over Jo, Aunt Liz needs some Eric time." Jo gave him to me and I set him on my lap. He immediately started reaching for my pony tail draped over my shoulder and made happy baby sounds.

"I was sorry Addison couldn't come," Jo said. "We still haven't gotten to hang out with her outside a show. She hung up at work tonight?"

I pretended I didn't hear the question and kept making funny faces at Eric.

"Uh oh," Jill said to Jo, "I think you were right babe."

I looked up. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I said.

"Jo said she got a feeling that Addison was, um, into you at the last show, and that it probably wasn't going to end well for her."

"Goddamnit, did everyone see this coming except me?" I asked, exasperated. "Yes, we left your show because she flipped out and decided she loved me and had to ghost or some stupid shit like that."

"Easy Liz," Jo said. "I'm not calling you out or anything. Just the way you answered last time I asked about her told me something went down is all."

I was ready to snap a retort but our waiter arrived to take our order. I'd been here enough times I didn't need to look at the menu, ordering an olive plate, bacon-wrapped dates and cod fritters. Jill and Jo each ordered twice as many tapas plates as I did. The interruption gave me the moment I needed to cool down.

"So, yes, Addison is... not my friend anymore, I guess. She said she tried to be friends but she ended up falling for me and realized she was headed towards a crash and... I guess the only way she saw to deal with it was to totally cut me off."

"That sucks, Liz. We're really sorry. Are you doing okay?" Jill asked.

For some reason the question had me on the verge of tearing up. I stalled for time by taking a piece of bread from the table and holding it out for Eric. He played with it like a new toy.

Jo looked uncomfortable, but surprised me by saying "Look, Liz, if you want to talk about it or not talk about it, whatever you need, Blue and I are here for you, okay?" Jo had never been one to talk about anything to touchy-feely when we'd served together in the Army. Four years of being married to Jill had changed her a lot.

It took me a moment to collect myself and then I was spilling the whole story to them. How Addison had become what I thought was my best friend. How it had crashed down around me. My feelings of loss. The kiss. How I couldn't stop thinking about our kiss. My conversation with Kat. Everything. By the time I'd finished we'd left the table littered with the empty plates. Eric had fallen asleep in my lap after I'd fed him his bottle.

"So anyway... sorry I vented for so long," I said.

"Liz, don't apologize. I meant it, we're here for you," Jo said.

We sat in silence for a moment, until I wrinkled my nose. "I think Eric dropped a payload."

Jo laughed, reaching for the diaper bag. "Yeah, he usually does after dinner. I'll go change him." She took her sleeping son from me and carried him into the restaurant. Jill and I sat in silence for a while, enjoying the warm summer evening.

"So, you keep thinking about your kiss, huh?" Jill finally asked me.

I blushed and sipped at the last of my sangria. "Yeah, I don't know what to make of that. When did you know you liked girls?"

"As soon as I realized what sex was," she replied immediately. "I didn't admit to anyone I was bisexual until college, but I've always known. If I'm attracted to someone I don't really care if they are male or female. Well, sexually that is... I only ever seemed to have romantic feelings about women. And of course, now I only have eyes for Jo," she finished in a theatrical voice looking behind me.

"You'd better only have eyes for me, Blue," Jo said in a light tone, as she arrived back at the table. She carefully laid Eric down in his stroller, still asleep. She covered him with a light blanket and pulled the cover of the stroller down low over him. The tenderness she showed him would shock anyone who knew her five years ago. "What are we talking about?" she asked, sitting back down.

"When I knew I liked girls," Jill said.

Jo laughed quietly. "You mean when you realized the righteous truth?" she joked.

"What truth?" I asked.

"Don't even get her started, Liz. Jo thinks all women should be gay. She doesn't even get Sara being with her brother, or Suzanne and Larry. She amusedly tolerates their choice, but finds it quixotic."

"I get it. I just think they're missing out. Guys are gross. The ladies are where it's at."

I laughed along with them.

"Wait, does this mean... I mean are we talking about this because you're thinking of Addison like..." Jo filled in the rest of the question with raised eyebrows.

"Sweetie, dial it back. We're just taking," Jill said.

"I don't know, Chief," I said. Whenever I wanted advice from Jo, I tended to fall back on calling her by her rank from when we'd served together. "I mean... I'm pretty sure I have... feelings for her. I'm not sure if they're romantic or if I'm just missing my friend."

"Well, let's break the problem down," Jo said thoughtfully. I smiled. Ever pragmatic, the Chief was. "What's the difference between romantic and platonic feelings?"

"Sexual desire," I said. I knew all this. "My problem is I'm not sure I can have sexual feelings anymore."

"What? Liz, that's crazy talk, why would you say that?" Jill asked me.

I looked around uncomfortably. "Because Jill, I can't... I..." I took a sip of my sangria, cleared my throat and leaned closer so I could speak quietly. "Because since my injury I don't think I've been turned on physically one time by another person.

"Really?" Jo asked, surprised. "What about that guy you dated, was it a year ago? John? You guys went out for a while, didn't you?"

"Josh," I corrected her, "He was almost two years ago now. He was nice enough and I liked dating him. But we were... unsuccessful in bed. At least, he was. He never got me off. Since the crash, no one has. I mean, I wanted to get hot and bothered for him, but we'd get started, he'd start touching me, and as soon as I realized I wasn't going to feel what I wanted it turned into a negative feedback loop. I'd get in my head, pulled out of the moment, I'd start thinking about it instead of being in the moment, and eventually I'd just give up and finish him off to get it over with."

"Wow, that sucks..." Jo trailed off. There wasn't a lot you could say to that.

"Has anyone made you feel the way you felt when Addison kissed you since the crash?" Jill asked.

I stopped and thought about it. "N-o-o-o... no, Josh was a good kisser, but... no, no I never reacted to him like that."

"Well, that isn't the whole answer, but that's definitely a data point," Jo said. "You say you have trouble feeling sexual. But you say that when Addison kissed you, you felt something."