Wheels In Motion Ch. 04

"I did," I admitted.

"So maybe that tells you something," Jo said.

"Maybe. Kat said that she was worried I was conflating missing my friend and not getting laid, and if I made a move on Addison I'd just hurt her because I was craving intimacy, just not really with her."

"That's something you can only decide for yourself Liz," Jill said.

Jo nodded in agreement. "Yeah. I mean, both Blue and I knew we were gay right off the bat, but I know lots of women who have found the light later in life."

Jill slapped Jo on the arm. "Sweetie! Not every woman is meant to be gay!"

Jo grinned at her wife. "Agree to disagree, babe."

I had to laugh. "Well, you've given me some stuff to think about. When is your next show by the way?"

"We're going to play at Reston's Independence Day Festival, then the next one after that is the kick-off show for the beach tour."

"I'll have to come to both then. Be sure and send me the date of the kick-off show early so I can ask off. I wish I could travel to some of your beach shows, but... residency, you know?"

We settled the check and headed out, Jo and Jill to their car to take Eric back to their Adams Morgan condo and me to Gallery Place Metro to head back home. I was sitting in my chair next to the door of the Metro car as we rattled through the tunnels towards DuPont Circle when I looked up and saw the Metro map on the wall of the train. My eye was drawn to the Tenleytown stop, four stations north of mine.

I resolved that the next time I had a free Saturday I'd go to Addison's apartment and talk to her. Whether she wanted to or not. I was not okay with how our friendship ended. And I wasn't even sure I was okay with us ending at all.

Two days later, I was in hour eight of another twenty-four-hour shift when Doctor Chandra gathered the E.R. staff in the main area all the exam rooms branched off from. Everyone was thoughtful enough to let me get in the front row of the crowd so I could see.

She clapped her hands to get everyone's attention. "Okay team... Let's quiet down... Listen up! We just got word from D.C. dispatch, there was a collision between two metro trains in the tunnel between Farragut West and McPherson Square, and we're activating the Mass Casualty Plan. We don't know how many injuries or how serious it is yet, but it's right down the street from us and they're going to be bringing most of the injured here. I want non-urgent cases currently in the waiting room to be told they have a wait ahead of them. I want all exam rooms cleared ASAP. Let's get O.R.s One and Two staffed and ready. Notify Surgical that we may be sending cases to them upstairs. We've drilled on mass-cas events and everyone knows their job, so I want this to go smooth and easy. Let's get busy!"

Everyone dispersed to their appointed stations to prepare for arriving ambulances. I did surgery from time to time, but the logistics of having to have the platform for my chair made it cumbersome, so my duty station for a mass-cas event was doing triage during intake in the ambulance bay. I was pretty good at triage, a skill I'd honed during my days in the Army. I sat in the ambulance bay with Doctor Andrews and several nurses waiting for the first arrivals.

"Have you had an actual mass-cas event since you've been a resident?" Jimmy asked me.

I smiled. "Not here at GW, but I've been through a few," I said.

He blinked. "Right. Afghanistan."

"Yeah. At least we're pretty sure there won't be any bullet wounds coming in on this one."

He shifted his weight nervously from one foot to the other as we heard the first siren approaching. I looked up at him.

"Jimmy, you got this, just like we've trained. Work the patient in front of you. Listen to the EMT run down the vitals and observations for you. The nurse with you will tag the patients based on your call. If you have a question, yell and I'll help. Just stay calm, work the patient in front of you, then move on to the next. Red tags go straight back, yellow and green to the staging area. If we have any breathing Black tags, god forbid, we'll try to manage their pain as best we can."

"Right. Work the patient in front of me. Got it." He blew out a loud breath, then settled his shoulders and looked much calmer. Jimmy was well on his way to being a good doctor.

It turned out the mass-casualty event wasn't much of an event, as the train collision wasn't as severe as first thought. We ended up getting nine cases, none of them critical: only yellow and green tags. We had a couple suspected broken bones, some smoke inhalation cases and several concussions. Once I was sure we were done with triage, I went back into the E.R. where I was met by Kat.

"What's on deck?" I asked her.

She handed me a chart. "Everything's in progress except a possible concussion with a nasty scalp laceration. Want it?"

"Sure." I looked at the chart. "Exam Three?"

I rolled my chair into Exam Three to find a young woman in a Metro uniform lying on the bed holding a bloodied gauze pad to her forehead with one hand and her phone in the other.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Charles," I said to her. "How are we doing?"

She looked at me dazedly, eyes coming in and out of focus. I started my assessment protocol, looking into her eyes with my penlight.

"Can you tell me your name?" I asked, as I gently took the gauze pad away from her head to get a look.

"Viv."

"What's your last name, Viv?"

She paused, then slurred, "Esparza. Vivian Esparza." She had a two-inch gash on her forehead, starting a few inches above her left eye and running up into her short, spiky black hair.

"Can you tell me what day it is?"

She paused even longer, then said, "Uh... Tuesday?"

"Close, only off by one. It's Wednesday. Can you tell me what happened?"

Her face clouded up as she struggled to remember. "I was... we... we were sitting in the tunnel waiting for a train to clear the station so I could pull us in. Something slammed into us... from behind I think. It... It threw me into the control panel. I think... I think I hit my head."

"You sure did Vivian. Does it hurt anywhere else?"

She cautiously shook her head no.

"Okay, you're going to need some stitches, alright?"

She nodded.

"Is there someone you can call? You're going to need a ride home too." I gestured at her phone.

She looked at the phone, then held it up towards me like a proud child showing a parent an A+ score on a test. "I did! I already called my girl." She must have really taken a knock as woozy as she was.

"Okay good. I'll be right back and then I'll get that cut closed up. We need to get a head CT to make sure everything's still where it should be, then you can probably go home. Okay?"

"Okay." She lay back and closed her eyes.

I beckoned to Kat. "Keep her talking," I said in a low voice, "Don't let her drift off."

"You got it."

I went out to check the status board to make sure we had nothing urgent waiting, checked on Doctor Andrews in Exam Four, and then rolled back into Exam Three, got a suture kit from the cabinet, and got to work.

"This is going to pinch a bit, Vivian," I said, then started injecting a local anesthetic into the cut on her head. She hissed in pain. "I know, it sucks, just hang on... and... done. Okay, you shouldn't feel anything else. I'm going to close this cut for you. Hold as still as you can so I can make these as even as possible. The scar will be less noticeable that way."

I worked slowly and carefully, closing the gash with tiny stitches. I was just finishing up when Kat came back into the room looking very uncomfortable. "Hey Liz, uh..."

"Nurse Hayden, we need to get Miss Esparza here back to CT. I don't think it'll show anything but she got her bell rung pretty good so I want to cover all the bases."

"Uh, okay. Her, uh, her ride just showed up. It's, uh, it's..."

"You can bring them back I'm pretty much--"

I trailed off mid-sentence as Addison walked in the room.

She glanced at me uncomfortably as I stared with my mouth open. I almost didn't recognize her. Her dreadlocks were gone and her hair was shorter, just down to the tops of her shoulders. It was so pale and fine, it was almost white

"Addison! What...? What are you--"

"Hey babe, I had to get stitches!" Viv blurted out, then started to get off of the bed. Both Kat and I moved quickly to stop her.

"Whoa, Miss Esparza, sit tight. We don't want you walking around just yet," I said, my brain going a thousand miles an hour. I turned back to Addison but she'd turned her attention to my patient.

"Viv, are you okay?" she said worriedly. She reached out and took Vivian's hand.

My heart dropped into my stomach. The way Vivian pulled Addison close to the bed and leaned her head against Addison's chest... They were clearly more than just... 'friends'.

"M'okay babe. This nice lady stitched up my head! Look!" She reached up to hold her hair back from the top of her cut. "She said I can go home soon."

Addison reached up and gently touched the skin next to the cut. "She's a great doctor, Viv. If she says you're going to be okay, then you'll be fine." She looked over at me, a little sadly I thought.

My mouth wanted to stammer and sputter, and the rest of me wanted to fall apart. I summoned all the focus I'd learned treating wounded soldiers in the back of a helicopter to keep my shit together.

"Okay... alright... Nurse Hayden, let's get Miss Esparza back to CT. Have radiology read her films then we can discharge her if they're clear. Miss Esparza, good luck to you. I'll have the nurse bring in some aftercare instructions before you're discharged."

"Liz, I've been meaning to..." Addison stammered. "I-I-I wanted, I-I-I..."

"Now isn't the time for this, Miss Wagner. You're taking her home, right?" I said, sharper than I wanted to. She nodded. "Okay, she has a concussion. You're going to need to wake her up every hour. Make her answer a few questions to show you she's lucid and speaking without difficulty. Check her pupils to see that they are equal sized and reacting to light. Do that every hour until morning, then have her follow up with her primary care physician. If anything goes south tonight, bring her back here right away. Got all that?"

"I, yes I can do that, I--"

"Good. Radiology will be in shortly to take her for a head CT. After that, Kat will bring you a sheet with care instructions. Your... Miss Esparza's going to be fine, barring anything unexpected on her scan."

"Oh, wait!" Viv almost shouted, looking back and forth between us. "You're that doctor chick Addie was in love with, right?! The straight girl?"

I felt myself flush. With anger. With embarrassment. With... jealousy.

"Good luck, Miss Esparza," I said, then I turned my chair and shot out into the hallway. My eyes started burning with tears as I slammed my fist into the button on the wall to swing open the doors to the operating rooms.

ADDISON

I watched as Liz rolled out of the room. Every detail of her was exactly as I remembered. The line of her jaw. The soft grey of her eyes. Her cute, practical ponytail. Her devastating air of competence. My heart ached all over again as she left. I stood looking at the door for a moment, then I turned back to Viv.

She looked up at me and said, "Wow."

I took her hand. "Are you okay? Does it hurt much?"

She stared at me with an uncomfortable grin on her face. "You are totally still in love with her, aren't you?"

"What? No. Viv, that's nuts."

"No, it's not. You're totally still into her."

"You smacked your head. You don't know what you're talking about."

The night was a long one. I took Viv to my apartment and got her cleaned up. I put one of my sleep shirts on her and got her into my bed where she promptly fell asleep. Her clothes stank of acrid smoke, so I took them to the basement to wash them in my building's laundry room.

I set my phone to wake me every hour. Each time I gently shook Viv awake, I made her tell me her name, my name or some recall some random factoid to show me her brain was working and checked her eyes. Each time I woke her, she got a little crankier, but I was persistent.

Meanwhile, I couldn't sleep. I kept picturing Liz's face, and the hurt and anger on it when I'd walked into the exam room. Her voice sounded so... cold... while she'd told me how to care for Viv. I kept turning the scene over and over in my mind. Each time I'd start to finally nod off, my phone would buzz me to wake up Viv and check on her again.

By five in the morning, I had to admit to myself that I did still have feelings for Liz. I gently thumped my fist on my forehead in the dark as I reminded myself over and over, she's straight, she's straight, she's straight. Besides... Viv and I were together now. I needed to move on.

By the time the sky started to lighten outside, I was exhausted.

I figured once the sun was up I could stop checking on her every hour. My brain finally let me rest, and we both slept until almost noon. I woke when she sat up in bed.

"Hey baby," I said, sitting up with her. "How do you feel?"

"My head hurts. Not like a headache, but this cut really hurts," she said, touching it gingerly.

I rubbed her back. "The aftercare instructions say Tylenol is okay. Can I get you a couple?"

"Please," she said, as she slumped back down on the bed.

I padded into the bathroom for the pills and came back with a glass of water. She sat up again, gratefully swallowed them and laid back down. I sat next to her on the edge of the bed.

"Thank you, Addie. For coming to get me. For taking care of me. You were fifteen minutes away. My roommates would have taken over an hour to get there." she said.

"You'd do it for me," I said. I was a little sad that she looked uncertain. "You would, Viv. You're a good person. I wouldn't be with someone who wasn't."

I leaned down and gently kissed her, but she still looked doubtful. "What about Liz?"

"I'm over Liz," I said and tried to kiss her again, but she shied away from me.

"You aren't, Addie. Anyone could see that at the hospital. I have a head injury and I could see it."

"Viv, I'm not into her, I'm into you. I'm with you." I tried to make myself believe it.

She nodded, but I saw in her eyes she wasn't sure.

I knew I wasn't sure either.

~~ Arlington, Virginia, July ~~

ADDISON

"Traveling!" Amber yelled towards the court.

"No way, that was a legit drop-step," I said.

"Your loyalty has blinded you," Amber scoffed at me.

We were at the Capitol One Center for a WNBA game between the Washington Mystics and the Minnesota Lynx. I didn't have a Lynx jersey so I'd settled for wearing a t-shirt with the appropriate colors.

"I thought Wisconsinites had an automatic dislike of all things Minnesota?" Nora asked me.

"We do, but the closest WNBA team was the Lynx when I was in high school so that's my team. You guys are just mad we're winning."

"It's early yet," Amber said, and then took a sip of her beer.

"By the way, thanks again for the last second invite." Viv had canceled our date that night at the last second, saying she had to cover a shift on the Metro for her supervisor. "I was bummed to get stood-up. We were going to go dancing and I would have been all kinds of out of sorts sitting at home by myself instead."

"Were glad you could come," Nora said, "When our friends bailed I didn't really want to sell the other two tickets and have strangers sitting with us."

Amber and Nora had been season ticket holders to the Mystics for years. I attended several games every season with them.

"How's it going with Viv, anyway?" Nora asked. Amber stared straight at the court. She clearly wasn't a fan of the topic.

"Good, I think. It's been over a month since we've started to take things more seriously. Anytime she has a weekend off we've been spending a lot more time together."

"Exactly how many weekends has that been?" Amber asked, acerbically.

"Well, only one," I admitted.

"In a month. Wow, you guys are going to be ring shopping soon," Amber quipped.

"Amber!" Nora admonished her.

"But we had a really good time last weekend. We went to the Air and Space museum, then caught a movie and dinner. It was nice."

"So, things are progressing?" Nora asked.

"They're... well, yes. Progressing is a good term for it, I guess. She's still worried I'm hung up on Liz, I think. Hopefully time will cure her of that," I said.

"Oh shit... maybe it won't," Amber said. I looked at her and saw her face had gone pale.

"What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I demanded.

She didn't say anything. She just lifted her arm and pointed.

I followed her gaze. It took me a moment or two but then I saw. My stomach lurched and I thought I was going to throw up.

I got up and my feet moved as if on their own accord, shuffling me up the steps and around the circle of the lower box seats. Three sections over from our seats I descended down the steps and stopped a third of the way down.

Viv didn't notice me at first. This section was sparsely filled. She and the woman she was with had their feet up on the seat backs in front of them, and they were giggling together. The woman was close to Viv's age, maybe younger, with a nose ring, at least six little golden hoop earrings up the side of her ear and prominent tattoos on her arms. Viv's hand caressed the inside of her thigh as she was leaned over, murmuring in her ear.

The woman noticed me first, and sneered at me. "What are you lookin' at, blondie?"

Viv turned her head and her eyes widened in shock, her face turning ashen. "Addison!" she blurted, "What are you doing here?!" How fucking cliché.

I tried to think of something to say. A snappy quip. A cutting remark. Nothing came except tears. I shook my head a few times, then started running up the steps. Nora and Amber were standing at the top of the steps watching, and I shoved past them out onto the concourse.

I was almost to the escalator down to the Metro station when I felt her catch my arm and spin me around.

"Addison, stop!" Viv panted.

"What the fuck?" I said, also out of breath.

"Addie I... I..."

"What, Viv?! You're sorry? You didn't think I'd find out? What stupid-ass excuse are you going to give me!!"

"Addie, we never said we were exclusive!" she said. With the way she couldn't meet me eyes, I could tell she knew how stupid that sounded.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!" I screamed at her. "We said we were going to try and see where this went! Do you think that means we can still screw around whenever we want?!"

"No, it doesn't, but your fucking fooling yourself with this and I don't think it's fair to me!" she yelled back. Every eye on the concourse turned towards us.

"What?" I yelped. "What the fuck does that mean? You're here with another woman!"

"You're in love with another woman, and trying to make yourself settle for me!"

"Are you kidding! I told you, I'm ready to be... I mean I'm over Liz!"

"Right there!" she snarled at me. "Jesus Christ, Addie, you can't even skip over saying you're 'ready' to be over her, which means you aren't over her!"

My voice dropped to a whisper. "That's not true." It was completely true.

"Bullshit! You're totally hung up on her, and I'll never be able to compete with her. She's pretty. She's as smart as you are, unlike me. She's a fucking doctor, for Christ's sake. I drive a fucking train."

"I don't... Viv, that doesn't... I don't think that about y--"

"You might not," she cut me off. "You might even believe it. You might have fooled yourself into thinking that it doesn't matter. You might think, 'Hey, I'm a blue-collar lawyer, working at a non-profit doing all this charitable work' but you and I both know you could probably take a different job and make a half-million dollars a year. Meanwhile I'm stuck underground making twenty bucks an hour. And if you think that won't make a difference in the long run, you're fooling yourself."