When We Were Young Ch. 04

Please read When We Were Young Ch. 3 and this will make a lot more sense.

Special thanks to kenjisato for the editing, whom I cannot recommend enough.

Comments would really be appreciated.

This part contains M/FF consensual sex, VERY light BDSM

***

The last few days before heading back to school for the spring semester were largely uneventful. Linda came over to my house for dinner with my folks one evening, and I reciprocated with hers the next. My parents peppered Linda with questions about her childhood and her plans for the future, and delighted in telling her about every embarrassing event from my childhood...in excruciating detail. And, just to prove that my parents were not sadists, Linda's also proved just as happy to list all of her embarrassing moments. I mean, did Linda need to know I wet the bed until I was seven? Evidently. Did I need to know Linda told a mall Santa that he smelled? Apparently. That everybody seemed to like everybody was the important part.

The only thing of note was that Linda's mom, Susan--she kept giving me the same strange look she had when we first met. I would glance in her direction and see her staring at me. But then, I would also see her staring at Linda when she thought no one was looking. It was just kind of odd, almost as if she was lost in thought. Toward the end of the evening, Linda and her dad were working on something in her bedroom, and Susan came and sat down next to me on the couch.

"Tony, I've been trying to observe you and Linda unobtrusively, but, well, you know I'm not good at that," she said, smiling.

"It's fine, Mrs. Anderson, really."

"I wasn't sure it was really real the first couple of times I saw it, like maybe you were doing it on purpose, knowing that I was watching. We can blame it on that asshole, Ray, I suppose."

"What was real, ma'am?"

"You couldn't know this, of course, but you look at Linda like Bob used to look at me...still does, from time to time. And Linda, Linda looks at you like you hung the moon. That's a good thing," she said, patting my knee.

I started to say a dozen different things, but each one seemed completely inadequate for the moment. Finally, I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't have the words to explain it, ma'am; 'I love her' isn't enough. I would do anything for her, anything to make her happy. I'll never hurt her, ma'am."

She patted my knee again. "I know you won't, son. And I understand how you feel. It makes me happy to see you two together. Truly." She smiled at me, and I thought she was being honest. I was honest, as well, not knowing at that moment, how painful tomorrow would be.

During my last meeting with Carmen before leaving, I agreed to come back into town every two weeks to meet with her, and I would talk to Linda about coming with me. The thought was we would each have private sessions for thirty minutes and then thirty minutes together. I told her I was feeling guilty about not coming clean about the hazing after I had witnessed her making such an effort for me, and was going to try and tell her...as soon as I found the courage, but I was afraid she'd leave me when I told her I had lied to her. All Carmen would say was that my guilt would only get worse over time, and to not make assumptions where love was concerned.

As we started the ninety-minute drive back to school, when and where to tell Linda came to me in a flash, breaking into a sweat at the thought this might be our last day together, and it was all my fault. But I had to come clean; as much as I desperately wished to keep my secret buried forever, the guilt was crushing, and I knew myself well enough to know it would only get worse with time.

"You okay, Tone? You're awfully quiet."

"Hmmm? Oh, I'm fine. Can we talk about New Year's now?"

"Not wasting any time, are you?" she chuckled.

"Nope. Sooo, you and Sharon?"

Taking a deep breath, she began. "So, neither of us has had sex with other women, except Mar, except on rare occasions. I have been with five ladies since college started, and I would say that number for Sharon is around ten. All have been one-night stands, aside from one woman, China, whom Sharon and I have been with together on two occasions, and I think Sharon has been with her a couple of other times. They were all someone we met at a party or when we'd been out drinking. Nothing we had planned ahead of time and was basically just fooling around.

"The party was a little crazy for a couple of reasons. One, it was the first time there was a man with us, and such a hunk of a man at that (her sparkling eyes catching mine, hand rubbing my thigh). And two, Sharon's last boyfriend broke up with her just after we started dating, and her domineering side sort of builds up over time if there's not a regular release. And with me not there..." she shrugged.

"So, are you bisexual, then? And Sharon?"

"I guess so, technically, but I've never thought about really dating a woman. I enjoy being with Sharon and Mar when it happens, but I can't see myself having a long-term relationship with a woman like I can with a man, and I am sure that Sharon is the same way. Did us being together make you jealous, honey?" Linda asked, sounding worried.

"It didn't, no, it was just unexpected. I never imagined us being with someone else, much less two someone's, and it was obvious the three of you had been intimate together before. I'm just trying to get a handle on the dynamic between the three of you. But I obviously had fun, and seeing you so fired up was a revelation; I've never seen you so excited like that around other people."

"That was new for me, too. Knowing that you were going to be with us really got me going. I don't know if it would always be that way, or if it was just because it was new and different. We talked about doing it again next month when they come down to look at the campus; are you still up for that?" Linda asked.

"I am, definitely, yes," I replied, wondering if we would still be together in a month, much less a day. "It won't make you jealous, will it?"

"No, honey. They both know how much you mean to me and would never do anything to upset our relationship."

"What about Mar? I got the impression that she and Sharon were close. No?"

"Oh, that's a little more complicated. You're the first man she's been with. She really liked it, by the way. Before we left the house, she asked me if she could have 'daddy's big cock' again. Can you believe that? 'Daddy's big cock?' I almost fell over when she said that. Definitely not the Mar I have known for fourteen years."

I blushed and couldn't help but laugh, those being the exact words I had said to her the afternoon after.

"What?" eyeing me suspiciously.

I just shook my head. "Continue."

"She told you about coming out and her parents disowning her and kicking her out of the house, right?" I nodded. "It was awful, just unbelievable. Sharon's parents have a lot of money and you've seen the size of their house, so it was wonderful when they offered to take her in. And they have just been absolutely incredible, treating her like she is their own. Mar was really in a bad way, and Sharon and I are very protective of her, like a little sister, even though she's older than Sharon and just a year younger than us. She's fragile, Tony; quiet and withdrawn around almost everyone, afraid of, well, everything.

"So, anyway, when it's the three of us, we are gentle and loving. I like to think of it as showing Mar how much we care about her, that she is safe, that we are there for her; that she doesn't need to be afraid. She just doesn't have it in her to be rough in any way, and sometimes that's what Sharon needs."

I interjected. "Mar's afraid she'll be all alone when Sharon graduates; I told her I would never take you away from her and was now her friend, as well. I'll make sure to reach out to her often...we need to find her a girlfriend."

"Oh, we've tried, believe me, she is just so shy around other people that it's going to take a special somebody to draw her out. And she's so sweet and loving; it just breaks my heart to see her miserable," shaking her head sadly.

"Okay, babe, one more thing. I had a lot of fun...obviously. But before our next 'playtime', I want us to come up with some ground rules. For instance, if you are asleep or out at the grocery store or something, and one of us wants to sleep with someone, do we need your permission first? I think I am fine with whatever, but I don't want it to make things weird for us because we didn't know what was out of bounds. Okay?"

"Yep. That occurred to me a couple of days ago, as well. We'll talk about it as things get closer to our next get-together, and I'll talk to Sharon and get her thoughts, as well. More questions?"

"I don't think so."

"Then can I ask you one?"

"Sure," noting I still had five minutes.

"Why did you call Sharon 'Mistress'?" sounding intrigued, but not upset.

"I really don't know, honey. Kneeling in front of her, or equally, if it had been you, it just felt right, deep down in my soul. Kneeling, subjugating myself, giving control to another, to someone I trust. I wouldn't have done it without you there, but you were, and I trust you completely." I added, blushing, "You know I like it when you take control, how, uh, excited it makes me."

Heading off another question, "Can we continue this in a little while, please? I have something important I need to tell you."

"Sure, Tony. What is it? Why are we getting off here?"

'Here' was a rest area, halfway between home and school, in the middle of nowhere, overlooking a scenic valley, were it not January and ten degrees outside. If (when?) she told us we were over, I would have forty-five minutes to drive her to her apartment or back home and beg her to give me another chance on the way. I parked with a view of the valley, opened up the glove box, and removed some Kleenex; I was going to need it, even if she didn't. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Tony? What's going on?" Linda said, concerned, maybe a little afraid. I was right there with her.

"Please, just let me talk, Lin. If I stop, I don't know if I'll be able to finish, and when I'm done, I'll take you anywhere you want to go, do anything you want, no questions asked. Please?" I glanced at her, but then away quickly across the dormant valley below, hands in my lap; I couldn't look at her and get this out.

"So, you know you're the first person I told about the hazing, but parts of what I told you were a lie, parts of it kind of true, some of it the actual truth. I told myself I was protecting you from the worst of the sordid details, but that's not true either. The truth is I'm just afraid of what you will do when you know the real truth of what happened, what you will think of me. I finally broke down and told Carmen and she suggested I tell you, that you deserved to know. She's right, of course.

"After Caleb made me jerk him off, I went back to my room and KJ was there. Jamaal had done the same to him. We knew it was bad and likely to get worse, and KJ wanted to know what we should do. And I told him he could leave if he wanted to, that it was okay, but that I had decided to stay and to just take it, whatever it was, that I had too much to lose. I said I thought we could do this, it would be okay and it would be over soon and we could just forget about it and move on. So, KJ said okay, he'd stay, too. And I was so happy; happy I wouldn't have to go through it alone; happy, I guess, to have someone suffer with me. If I had said we should leave, I think he would have said okay, and he'd be alive today. Carmen says it's not my fault, but it sure feels like it. I wish I could trade places with him, sometimes."

I didn't, couldn't, look at Linda, but I sensed her grab a Kleenex.

"As the days went by, I saw him sinking into himself and getting more withdrawn. We would get in bed together and I would spoon him and rub his back and tell him things would be okay, that it was just for a little while longer, and then everything would go back to normal. Maybe I could have made them stop, I don't know. But I should have tried. The rest of what I told you about KJ is true.

"But I lied about Caleb. After the second or third day, Caleb told me I didn't have to do anything sexual with him anymore, that it was getting out of hand, and that he didn't know it was going to be like this, get so sick and twisted. But I didn't stop going down to the lake with him in the mornings. I gave him a blowjob every morning because I wanted to. And we would snuggle and kiss, and Caleb would hold me.

"I think I did it because, with all the shit I was being forced to do, here was something I was choosing to do, like a little piece of me was in control of what was happening. It was just the two of us down by the water. Quiet, peaceful. And he would tell me that it would all be over soon and that I was doing such a great job and to just hang in there. I felt safe with him; he kept me from going insane.

"Our dorm rooms were next to each other, and he didn't have a roommate. After those two weeks were over, that whole first season, I would get up early and go to his room and we would have sex. And I liked it, wanted it, needed it. I think I did it as a way to thank him for looking out for me those two weeks. And Caleb still saw himself as my protector. It was during the season, and we saw Jamaal and the other players every day and there was occasional tension. We ended it after the season was over; seeing him just became a painful reminder of what had happened those two weeks. I didn't need him to feel safe anymore, and he didn't need to protect me...we drifted apart.

"But the point is, I lied to you about Caleb. After the first couple of days, I did it all voluntarily. I made him out to be an asshole, but that's not fair, he was actually very good to me."

I took a deep breath. "But maybe the worst part of all is how I got off on being degraded and humiliated. I can truthfully say that I hated everything they had us do and would not have done any of it voluntarily, but my body betrayed me. They would be doing something unspeakable to us, and I would be as hard as a rock. Jamaal noticed, of course, and used it as ammunition to do more and more disgusting things to us. 'Look, White Pussy loves this shit!' he'd say. Which would humiliate me...which would excite me. It was a vicious cycle. And I couldn't explain it to KJ, who felt betrayed, and rightly so. I couldn't explain it because I didn't understand it myself, why my body would do such a horrible thing.

"I will tell you anything you want to know about any of this, but here is just one example. Three or four times, Jamaal made us get on our knees back-to-back. Then half the guys would stand in front of KJ and half in front of me and we would jerk and blow them until they came all over our faces and hair. We'd have cum in our eyes and dripping from our chin. And I would be rock hard, wishing there were more guys to blow. Jamaal would have me cum on KJ and then blow him, and I'd be so ashamed, I'd get in the shower and cry from the shame and embarrassment."

Linda's hand was in front of my face with a Kleenex. I took it and looked in the rearview mirror and saw that there were tears running down my face; I hadn't noticed.

"That's the awful, disgusting truth, Linda. I'm so very sorry I lied to you, I just, I just couldn't say those words, knowing what you would think of me. I understand it's more than you signed up for, more than anyone would. You deserve so much more than someone who would...would. I'll wait outside so you can think about all of this and then I'll take you anywhere you want to go. Just honk when you're ready. I'm so, so sorry."

I stepped out into ten-degree weather, leaden sky cold, snow flurries dancing in the air, and walked away from my car to stare down into the valley. It looked the way I felt inside--dead. Dead leaves rustled, as the wind pushed them along the pavement to catch on a chain-link fence, bare branches swayed, naked and ugly. The only sign of life for miles was a hawk, floating on the thermals high above the valley floor, drifting further and further away on the currents until he was gone.

Linda stepped in front of me, pressed her back into my chest, and wrapped my arms around her. "Watching the hawk?"

"Mmmmm."

"Thinking about KJ?"

"Yeah," I sighed.

"Me too...what do you think he would say?"

"Let's get the fuck out of here."

"Not then, Tony, now."

"What?"

Linda turned to face me. "What would KJ say to you right here, right now?"

I didn't have an answer to that; just shook my head.

"I think KJ would tell you one life destroyed is more than enough. That four years of penance is enough, Tony."

I looked up at the sky, frantic to find the hawk, crying.

"I know you, Tony. You're not stupid and you're not selfish. You care about other people and what's best for them. It's one of the things I love about you. And that didn't just start AFTER the hazing. Grandma Eleanor told me you've been that way your whole life, and she doesn't strike me as the kind of person who misses a lot when it comes to her 'grandbabies'. You didn't get it wrong because you were thinking about yourself...you don't do that. You guessed it would be okay and you were wrong, just like KJ was. If either of you had known, you would have bailed."

I let out a long, shaky breath. "God, I'm a fucking mess."

"Little bit," Linda said, eyes crinkling and hugging me tightly.

"What about Caleb and the, uh, sex stuff?" I quietly asked, staring at the sky, searching.

"I think we need to talk to Carmen."

"Yeah. I'm sorry I lied to you. Really. I love you so much, Lin."

"I love you, too, and I understand why you lied to me, the details can be embarrassing. But I don't need the details, honey. Whatever you did those two weeks was not the real you; I know the real you, and he's awesome. Please don't lie to me again, though, it's not necessary...you can tell me anything. Okay?

I nodded. "I promise."

"And, uh, can we go now? I am freezing my ass off."

"School?"

"Wherever you're going, baby, I'm going, too," taking my hand and heading for the car.

Opening her door for her, I looked up, searching the sky one last time, but he was gone.

**

The next month was busy, as school started up and Linda and I headed home every other weekend to meet with Carmen. We agreed not to discuss the time we spent alone with her, so we could speak freely about anything, including each other. And coming clean with Linda about the hazing relieved some of the stress I didn't realize I'd been dealing with.

Carmen diagnosed my sexual gratification from being humiliated as sexual masochism. At least I had a name for it, which was a relief. She asked if I, in a sexual setting, had ever been spanked or tied up with ropes or scarves. I hadn't, but I remembered Sharon slapping my face, unsure if I liked that or not, more excited by following her commands, I think. She said even though my body had reacted, that didn't necessarily mean I liked it or wanted it; that it was reacting to the physical stimuli in the room, and that it was largely out of my control. My body was in a sexually charged atmosphere for days and I shouldn't assume how I reacted then meant I would always react that way. Carmen explained that many people enjoyed these activities with their partners, but because they were sexual in nature and unconventional, were rarely talked about openly. She encouraged us to search the internet, discuss what we liked, maybe explore it a little, and report back.

As far as Caleb was concerned, Carmen was not really concerned. "Those two weeks were the most traumatic experience of your life, quite possibly Caleb's, as well. If I had to guess, I would say that Caleb felt guilty about forcing you to do something the first couple of days, not expecting things to escalate the way they did. After that, he felt somewhat responsible for you and helped you get through it in whatever way he could. He didn't force things on you after that, but accepted what you did as a way to support you. The trauma forced you two closer together and that continued during the school year and ended as the trauma receded and the events that had brought you together faded with time. Caleb was probably as anxious to move on from those events as you were, Tony."