Where You Failed

1969:

Dinner finished. Louise's three older siblings left for Friday night fun. Mrs. Mancini, who slept with bells around her wrists and ankles, was in the living room reading to little Johnny.

Louise poked her head into the living room to stick her tongue out at the back of their heads. When her father said from behind her, "C'mon, I'll take you to Coney Island," ten year old Louise jerked in surprise. "Ah, yeah," she said. "That'd be great."

The car radio was broken years ago. Mr. Mancini drove in silence, focused on the road ahead and whatever else it was that he saw. Louise fiddled with her hands, placed them on her lap, wrung her hair like a mop then placed her palms on the seat beside her. She took a deep, quiet breath, and willed herself to be still.

Turning on to Neptune Avenue, Coney Island's glimmering lights made Louise's heart beat faster and lit her eyes. She looked at her father with a smile but saw his gloomy face, untouched by the colors dancing across it. She clenched her hands again, but a sliver of excitement refused to vacate her breast.

Her best friend Karen had told her what a thrill it was to ride the Cyclone. Louise had been on the carousel a couple of times but had never been on the more expensive rides. Even when she didn't ride, Louise loved to walk around Coney Island. The excitement on the faces of other children, teens holding hands, intoxicating aromas of cotton candy, hot dogs and French Fries from Nathan's, the multi-colored lights, barkers calling attention to attractions; she sometimes forgot herself.

Parking spots were filling up, but they found a free spot across the street from the Cyclone. They got out and closed the doors of the old Rambler in unison. Louise followed her dad toward Neptune Avenue while looking to her right at the people in line for the Cyclone. Bright eyed children jittered with excitement; a pretty teen girl looked up with love into her boyfriend's eyes, a couple her parent's age smiled, sliding their arms around each other's waist.

Louise walked into a teen couple who had stopped to light their cigarettes.

"Louise," her dad scolded softly. "Pay attention."

"Yes dad."

He held out his hand. "Come here."

Louise took it and they walked on. How good his hand felt in hers; its warmth surprised her. She couldn't remember the last time they had held hands, or in fact, touched at all.

They stopped at Nathan's. Her dad let go her hand. Louise folded her hands as if in prayer while her dad ordered a beer.

"Do you want a Coke?"

"No thank you." Actually she did but hoped he might treat her to a ride, and didn't want the Coke to be his excuse not to. She stood next to him, looking around while he drank his beer.

A musical female voice along-side her, "Oh Tom, look how cute that little girl is."

Louise looked up. A couple in their thirties smiled down at her. The woman was beautiful, made up and fashionably dressed. Her crew-cut man wore a sleek suit. He turned to the woman.

"Adorable," he said.

The woman looked up from Louise's shocked face to her dad, smiling. "Your daughter is lovely."

"Thank you," he said, stretching his lips.

"Have a nice evening," the man said as they turned to go. The woman beamed at Louise.

"Goodnight," her dad said, returning to his beer. He finished, and set the plastic cup on the counter.

"C'mon," he said, extending his hand and a slight but warm smile down at her. Louise gave him her hand. Her heart swelled when he squeezed it.

They stopped at the corner. "What ride would you like to go on?"

Louise looked up. She opened her mouth. "Could I...go on the Cyclone?"

Mr. Mancini looked off into nowhere as he felt in the pocket of his red jacket.

"Sure sweetie."

Louise looked up at his still, distant face, knit her eyebrows. Sweetie?

Louise's beehive brain buzzed as the Cyclone crawled up the incline. Never more aware, she absorbed the clickity-clack sound and vibration beneath her, the shinny seat sticking to her legs, her hand on the safety bar. Laughter and delighted squeals from people seated behind her and of those behind them.

As the car crested the peak, the world paused for a long moment. The night sky opened, and a tremendous thrill coursed through Louise. She held her breath as the car tipped and hurtled down the steep tracks, whipping her hair back as she screamed with delight. Everyone laughed with relief as the car climbed the next hill. It turned, before coming down the other side to more screams.

Louise jumped up and down in front of her father, motioning with her hands.

"...and it went whoosh around the turns." She was flushed, and her eyes were on fire. She noticed with joy her father's soft grin but didn't recognize the love in his eyes.

"I'm glad you liked it," he said, taking her hand. "Want to go on the Astro Tower?"

Louise beamed up with love. "Really?"

"Yeah, why not?"

They strolled to Astro Land, holding hands. The ride was loading when they arrived.

"Let's hurry, Dad."

"How much time do we have?" Mr. Mancini called to the operator.

"Couple of minutes," the man called back.

He bought a ticket and handed it to Louise, who started toward the ride.

"Wait," he said, putting his hand on her shoulder. He leaned over, resting his hands on his knees, bringing his face close to hers. He looked her in the eyes. "What do you do if you ever lose sight of your parents in a place like this?"

Louise looked around and pointed to the officer who stood flipping his nightstick.

"I find a policeman."

Mr. Mancini smiled. "That's right. So if you get off the ride and don't see me, what do you do?"

"I go to the policeman."

"Good," he said. He leaned closer and kissed her cheek. "I love you, kid. Go ahead."

Louise froze. Then she smiled. "I love you too, dad."

Mr. Mancini straightened, sniffled, and smiled at her, nodding. "Go ahead now."

He watched Louise skip over, hand the man her ticket and board the ride. The operator closed and locked the door, signaled to another carny who shifted a lever, starting the ride. The cylinder rose and began to circulate slowly. Louise waved to her dad, heart thumping- I love you, kid. He waved back before walking swiftly toward the boardwalk.

The Astro Tower was a large circular room that climbed 250 feet while rotating slowly. People could walk around the cabin and look out the curved window.

Louise knelt on the seat and looked out as the ride ascended. She kept her eye on her father, wondering if he was finding a better spot to watch from. When the disk came around once, he was climbing the boardwalk steps. He'll watch from there. I'll wave to him. But when it came around again, she saw him descending the other side of the boardwalk to the beach.

On the next pass she could just make out his red jacket. He was halfway to the water. Louise moved around the sphere, trying to keep him in view. Finally he disappeared into the dark of the shoreline. Louise's lip quivered. She put her hand over her galloping heart. She walked around the sphere, taking any space between the other riders to look for him. Someone tapped her on the shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

Louise turned her face of O's around to find the beautiful woman from Nathan's stooping down to her.

"Are you alright?"

Louise looked into the woman's pretty face, not sure what to say. "My dad left."

The woman's eyes opened wide. "What do you mean he left?"

Louise pointed toward the water. "He went down there. I saw him."

"Are you sure?" she said, kneeling next to Louise and looking out with her.

"Yes. He has a red jacket on. I saw him go to the water."

The shoreline moved beyond their view.

"C'mon," the woman said, taking her hand. They walked to the other side of the sphere and watched as the shoreline reappeared.

"I remember his jacket," the woman said. "I'm sure he just went for a walk. We'll see him." She patted Louise's shoulder.

The sphere was rotating at the top of the tower now. The woman's husband joined them.

"What's happening?"

"We're looking for her father."

The man sat on the other side of Louise. He shot a disconcerted look at his wife behind Louise's head. She shrugged, raising her eyebrows before looking back toward the beach.

"What's that?" she asked, pointing.

Louise put both her palms on the glass, rested her head against it. "It's him. He's coming back."

The couple smiled at each other. The woman rested her hand on Louise's back.

"Of course he is."

The sphere began to descend. The trio moved around to follow the progress of her red-jacketed father. They watched him reach the boardwalk. He was hurrying across it when their view became obstructed.

The sphere touched down. As soon as the door was unlocked and opened, Louise burst out and ran to her father. She threw her arms around him and rested her head against him. She couldn't remember having ever been so close to him.

"Hey, sweetheart."

The well-dressed couple walked up to them. "She was worried," the woman said.

"I went for a walk," Mr. Mancini said, shrugging. "Thanks for looking after her."

"It was nothing. She's wonderful. Bye."

"Bye now," he said, while he stroked Louise's head. Louise turned and waved goodbye to the couple. They smiled at her and waved.

"Let's go home," her father said, continuing to stroke her head.

"Okay." Jumbled feelings swirled within her. All she could make out was that she wanted nothing other than to be wrapped in her Dad's arms forever.

Two weeks later Louise watched Saturday morning television alone. Her sisters had taken little Johnny to the public swimming pool. Louise was trying to figure out what was wrong with her, why her father hadn't continued loving her after the magic night. He had stopped ridiculing her but now mostly ignored her. He seemed more lost to her than ever. She hadn't known before what she was missing.

She was daydreaming about their hand in hand walk around Coney Island when her mother came thundering down the stairs.

"Stay there," she said, casting a desperate look at Louise before continuing down to the basement. A moment later her older brother raced up from the basement past her and up the stairs. Her mother followed soon after, out of breath and harried. She hurried into the kitchen, picked up the phone and dialed quickly before stretching the cord out of Louise's sight. Louise heard broken phrases. "...couldn't wake him...don't understand." Louise stared at the television, numb; tears streaming down her face.

EMT's hurry past Louise.

Her father is led past her on a stretcher, oxygen mask covering his nose and mouth, a Tech doing compression on the move.

Her mother kneeling before her.

"You stay right here. Your sisters are on their way." Louise nods from a million miles away, and they are gone. She is alone with the image of her father on the stretcher.

Louise finds herself in her parent's bedroom. She notices a notepad on the floor; picks it up and reads: I love you all so much. It's too painful to live. I just want the pain to stop. I'm sorry.

That is all she remembers until she wakes in her sister's arms. She is being carried through the hall to her own room. Her other sister behind them saying, "It's lucky little Johnny wasn't here."

1989: Louise looked through the partially open door at her sleeping husband. She wanted to go in and kiss him on the forehead but wouldn't risk waking him. Jim was a good man and she loved him but it wasn't going to work. Louise was driving him crazy. She went out of her way to make trouble between them, and she didn't know why. She didn't need to know exactly why. I'm a disease.

She felt Sandy's moist breath on her calf. They had adopted the mutt two years ago. A neighbor saw her walking along the Belt Parkway, brought the dog home but couldn't keep her. Louise asked Jim if they could take her. He agreed, thinking it might be good for Louise.

The vet said Sandy was a Terrier mix. She was several shades of brown and white-after a bath-and had the warmest, most intelligent brown eyes. Louise felt bathed in love whenever Sandy fixed the dark lasers upon her. Jim was nice to Sandy but she was really Louise's dog. Sandy followed her everywhere.

Sandy panted up at her. Louise forced her eyes away, back at the sleeping man. She considered putting Sandy in with him, but Sandy might fuss if Louise closed the door. Can't have that.

She backed away from the door, taking a mental snapshot of Jim before turning and creeping down the carpeted staircase. Sandy followed cheerfully after her.

In the living room Louise pulled on her leather jacket, pocketed her keys, and stood looking at her handbag, considering. She took cigarettes, lighter and wallet, shoving them in her pockets. Sandy followed her to the door, hoping for a late walk. At the front door Louise turned and squatted.

"You stay right here," she said, petting Sandy. "Daddy will take care of you." She gathered Sandy to her, kissed her as tears flooded her eyes. Sandy licked her face.

Louise stood and wiped her nose on the sleeve of her jacket. She opened the door, took one last look at Sandy, and stepped out into the cold night, closing the door behind her. She lit a cigarette, and walked down the block to her car.

Most of Coney Island was deserted this late at night in winter. There were a couple of bars on the north side of Neptune Avenue, drug dealers and hookers on designated corners. Louise pulled into a spot on the empty side street across from the Cyclone. She looked around, lit a cigarette, and headed toward the boardwalk.

As she walked she looked left at the giant sleeping skeleton of the Cyclone. She thought back to the day with her father and shook her head. Louise climbed up to the boardwalk, taking a quick look around. There were some people far off to her right but no one near. She hurried across the walk and descended the stairs to the beach.

Weak, slack-tide waves kissed the shore, bringing an odd peace to her. She took a couple of deep breaths of sour salt air before lighting a cigarette. She took a drag and blew smoke up into the air. Louise smoked and thought. She thought about Jim. She had chosen a caretaker, a fixer.

"He was your surrogate, Dad."

Jim was heroic. He would never leave her even though it was ruining his life. He would surely be better off without her. He would be snatched up by someone worthy, someone less damaged who could give back.

She took another drag, tossed the cigarette and folded her arms, staring at the inky water. "What stopped you that night, Dad? Was it me? Something else?"

She inched closer. "Well, let's see if I can succeed where you failed."

One week later:

Jim lifted the box of photos and greeting cards Louise had accumulated. He set it on the dresser and looked at himself in the mirror. He dabbed at the corner of each eye with his sleeve. He needed to grab one more thing. What was it? Oh yeah. He lifted the box and started downstairs.

Sandy was walking a circle in the living room. She stopped to woof at him then shook her head toward the front door.

"Wait," he said. He hoisted the knapsack of her bowls and toys, slung it over his shoulder, grabbed Sandy's leash, bringing a burst of excitement from her. He knelt, leashed her harness and stood.

"That's it," he said, looking down at the excited mutt. "You're a good dog. You know that?"

Sandy woofed, that in fact she did know.

"C'mon," he said.

They left the house. Jim struggled to balance the box and sack while Sandy pulled him down the stoop. Louise came over from the double parked car and took the leash from him. They walked into the street where Louise let Sandy jump excitedly into the front seat while Jim put the box and sack into the already laden back seat.

Jim reached a hand into the passenger window to give Sandy a pet before he came around to the driver side. Louise threw her arms around him, and they hugged tight.

"Thank you so much Jim."

He let go so he could look at her.

"You know I'm right," she said.

He nodded. "You probably are, but I still can't help but worry about you."

They had talked all week. She hadn't told him she had gone to the water that night, but she told him how she had been feeling. Jim agreed to separate.

"I made you a promise," she said, "and I'll keep it."

He nodded, and kissed her forehead. "Call me when you get there."

"I will," she said, kissing him on the lips before climbing into the car.

Louise buckled the passenger seat-belt and fastened Sandy's harness before buckling her own. Sandy sat and panted. Jim waved to them as they pulled away.

Louise and Sandy were going to live on Long Island, in her eldest sister's back house. They were wealthy, traveled a lot for business, and were happy to have her there to keep an eye on the property.

The night Louise stood at the shoreline; after she spoke aloud to her father, she began thinking about Sandy, of all things. Louise knew the dog was curled up by the door, waiting for her. She'd be okay. Jim would care for her, especially now that Louise was leaving. He would make an effort to be closer to her.

An effort! Realization struck her. Loving Sandy, caring for her, was the only thing in her life that hadn't taken strenuous effort. If not for Sandy, Louise would never have known what that felt like. People able to mate would surely look down on her, but Louise found she didn't care. Sandy was the love of her life; the closest thing to a child she would ever have. Sandy's love for her was enough reason not to follow in her father's footsteps. She had laughed out loud, turned, and headed back to the car.

Sandy was at the door waiting as Louise knew she would be. Louise picked her up and squeezed her while Sandy licked her face. "Thank you my sweetheart; thank you," she said. Sandy practically wagged her tail off.

Now she and Sandy were off on an adventure. Louise was hopeful she would find her way. She glanced at Sandy, sitting proudly in the passenger seat. I forgive you, Dad, and I will succeed where you failed.