All Comments on 'While You Sleep'

better than watching a spy thriller. I can't believe you virtually destroyed a Mustang.

This story reminds me of some early Louis L'amour short stories. You seem to have the ability to tell a good story as did L'amour I wonder if you can write a full fledged novel and if you can, I would challenge you to tell us what might have happened to L'amour's hero Kerboachard in his best seller The Walking Drum.

You have real talent please use it to write more.

Not to shabby for a ford man, glad you didn't destroy my Camero, in some crappy country, that will probably make the Tesla a more usable car

keep writing

Most of what I wanted to say has already been said in other comments. I agree, I agree, I agree. A remarkable story. I'm even enjoying the mustang references and all your play on words. One of -if not THE-best stories I ever read online or anywhere else for that matter. Thank You and I hope you are still writing.

as I read the story.

a bright yellow circular jaw was

chomp, chomp, chomping away

http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090428231227/pacman/images/archive/5/52/20090508043807!PacmanOriginal.jpg

In a gunfight the only -and I do mean only - advantage your pony gives you is in getting from Point A to Point B... unfortunately, that does not include a Superman feat of being "faster than a speeding bullet"... I know you didn't appear to imply that... but enough people shooting at the car should have killed it too...

And just what poison was supposed to make the king sicker over time until it WOULD have killed him... but NOT be detectable...? I know, I know... it's just a story, quit trying to analyze it so much...

Ok, so I enjoyed it... disconcerting that Danielle would not WANT to be her mom, discover she was ACTING like her mom and not only do nothing to change that but, in her case, even maybe commit suicide by engaging in an act that she knows directly contributed to her mom's death. Yeah, I know some people live their lives like idiots... but typically they don't believe they are... it seemed like she knew she was and maybe didn't want to...

Well, did he?

Another really good read!

Okay, so you could have made it any of the apparently thousands of "stan's", but it was believable enough to make it work in a fantasy setting. What I'M impressed with is the small details of the Secret Service that most people really do NOT know about and the mention of the Sig. You DO realize that the huge majority would call you out for calling it a .357 without noticing you never said .357 magnum, don't you? For the rest of the world: yes, the Secret Service "service weapon" IS a .357 Sig-Sauer. Look it up. Kind of a nifty little thing too, although personally I have a fondness for Glock and the USP. (Look it UP, people!) And believe it or not, Mustangs are pretty popular in the mythical part of the world you place this story within--I saw them in Odesa and Kviv. Also Prague, so...they DO exist outside of Dearborn, evidently.

FIVE STARS

I'm a bit confused why this story is in Loving Wives. Perhaps more appropriate in Romance section, or even Supernatural , due to the super human prowess of the protaganist in the story. Rick ends up in the Secret Service instead of the Army, with a high school diploma, with the Secret Service hiring him anyway, and paying his way through college. Highly unlikely. Even for someone with a Mustang, and an Iphone.

According to Millicent, Rick held off an entire army singlehandedly. Yep. Story belongs in Supernatural category. The new Queen of Pacmanistan, asks the US State Department to send in advisors to help reorganize the country. Stang, are you on drugs? Have you forgotten that fiasco in Iraq? Does the name Paul Bremer ring a bell? The new Queen would be much better served with advisors from Sweden or France. You know, countries with single payer health care, union rights, and a more representative political system than the US.

Lest I be seen as a nattering nabob or negativeism (got that from the late and unlamented Spiro Agnew) I did like one thing about the story. The country being run by religious fundamentalist. Christian fundamentalists. Jesus, save me from your followers!

He asked for a Visa, not another Mustang.

"If we get out of this," I said. "I'll send you a brand new one."

"If you get out of this," he said. "Send me a visa."

Once he gets his Visa, and moves to the US of A, he can get whatever year and model replacement he wants.

Another great read that I really enjoyed, I know it's not a 007 but this was a well structured, flowing, fast moving fun story with a happy ending, well for most! Always happy to read things that are this good

Totally unbelievable 12 pages of rubbish!

i can't believe this is a toplister in the LW category.

This was a damn good story too bad the douchebag haters can't come up with something half as good instead of criticizing good stories like this.

excellent writing as usual.

Story was a good one, good guy meets a nice girl, adventure, danger, love, happy ending.

Great work!

Great story, again, for the Stangstar. Your efforts here were superb. Great story flow, good character development. Only thing I'd have wrapped up as well was what happened to the guy that originally had the Mustang?

For the anonymous you need to grow a pair, identify yourself, write a story or two and take the heat of other anonymous readers and only then do you have the right to comment on something other than story construction. Until then I have to assume that your IQ is equivalent to the size of your schlong and hope any woman you have is pleased with all 2 inches, and that is being generous. LOL

I truly enjoyed this story.

How come Stangstar's lead character never finds out what happens to his overrated Mustang when its tail get knotted by a Mopar Hemi? Even with all the money he's pumped into that hunk of iron, there's at least a dozen production cars that'll blow the doors off of it.

When you think Mustang... think Elmer's glue.

Very well done.

Nicely done, congratulations.

Just reread this one....read it first a while ago...still a great read!

Immersion in the story was unexpectedly broken several times due to naming the characters after the hosts of the British version of Top Gear. It's difficult to imagine the team of Jeremy Clarkson, James May, and Richard Hammond as steely eyed Secret Service agents.

ape. If anyone should die i's you dear annomy you fucking brain dead asshole cock sucking fag. Gave this a5 to help the score.

I liked it. Fiction so liberties with logic is ok with me. A good read.

First off your story is Fantastic! Now the comments! Peoples it's fiction! Enjoy it! Oh some Mustang Eh! But it is Not Chrissie Ha Ha! Those who don't like my comments

"BLOW ME" LOVE YOU ALL. GREG. OH 10 STARS = 100 %. BYE.

I love all of your stories. Especially back on the block. I would have love to hear Rick's perspective in the end as well

no matter the cost or suffering, TK U MLJ LV NV

but the ending is to short it's like you cut it off in hurrying to finish story I think at least two more page should do it perfect,like to give it 5 but the ending cut 1star from it

What a great story to read on a rainy day. So engrossed in the story that I ignored the rain. Thanks for sharing. It had it ALL....

Ah, another very good tale. It makes up for a few of SS06s that are not very good.

Nicely written

I got half way through it before I realized that I had read it before (I'm an old man, LOL) and never mind the negative comments. I read strictly for my pleasure and try not to pick at little things as some do. Since I am not perfect at anything I dare some of your critics to actually write a perfect yet entertaining story. Keep up the good work. Lamar

OUTSTANDING!

You should! May you have a long life and a large-deep to do Bucket list! Again FAN BLOODY TASTIC STORY! Love you all! GREG. THANK YOU STANG STAR 06

One of your best.

I find myself drawn to the really good stories in this form and this is definitely one that I have visited multiple times, savoring each and every one.

This is probably up there in the top five stories that you've written. I like the characters there believable, the protagonist is awesome and totally likeable, and it's just an awesome story. I'm hoping is going to be another one behind this maybe or an offshoot.

Great Story. Worth its 12 pages. I can live with the famous name usage but....PACMAN-istan... really? Come on you're a writer, you can come up with a real-sounding country. [ie. The Republic of Equatorial Kundu (from NBCs The West Wing)]

It was quite enjoyable story about a real man, a slut wife, a real gal and a Mustang.The number of practical intelligent woman in it is impressive.

How many children did they have? and grandchildren? Finish the damn story!

I agree with this story for the most part. I wish all the stories were 10+ pages that were interesting enough not to skip past parts in order to maintain sanity. There was something about the chase act that felt very right. Mainly, because he got hit a bunch and said not to bother trying to help him at the end. This story begs for an author's vision of a failure scenario...she dies, he finds out from a downed military person's radio, and fades to black in a sea of regret and cheers from the radio.

What I've found is that stories that have a favorite to view ratio over 0.05% tend to be good, and it's useful in figuring out whether a highly starred story is good or not...since there are a number that aren't good at all. This story is about 0.098%. In this range, I've never been disappointed.

The emotions and feelings were all relatively shallow and the plot and dialog were god aweful. I stuck through it all 12 pages, but you got 2 stars from me. It had moments that were good and there was certainly potential.

Enjoyed a few of your stories but this is the best, really enjoyed the Boy Scout attitude of the Rick character. 5 stars.

This could be a screen play if you expanded it.

Did his friend who loaned him his Mustang ever get his visa and/or a new Mustang?

A trip down memory lane!...Oldie but a Goldie!.....What can I say that hasnt already been said ?......I Know! Antarctica (Bit of useless b.s.)...Thanks You definitely have My Endorsement! ★★★★★ WOOF!

I like most of your stories but you copped out to the PC crowd with your location and description of the country. You described a Muslim state but labeled it Christian, what a chicken shit you are! You need to be honest like your character!

Nice touch to use Top Gear presenters as character names.

... no matter what your locale.

5+++++

Danielle was finally seeing that she had turned into exactly who she didn't want to be: Her mother. And then suddenly the author chooses to reverse her entire transformation. Why? The author even goes as far as to imply that she died the same way as her mother did.

She was an interesting character with depth and severe flaws. She realized she could never have the love of her life back, because of how she had acted, but then she just forgot?

There was a really good story there, but the author killed it by completely and suddenly changing Danielle's character, with absolutely no explanation given.

There are plenty of other flaws in the story line, that I am not going to waste time detailing here.

It started out as a serious story with a clear potential for 5/5. Unfortunately it ended up as a rag-tag patchwork of different writing styles and unbelievable, inconsistent characters.

3/5

Great story but thought the ending was a little rushed

I like how you weave multiple character's stories into the mix, the change of perspective made me 'change gears'.

Millie's story was quite unique, her transition almost required a literal kick in the pants but she finally took charge of her life and became... 'presidential'.

I know this is fiction but quite a few times in the ending it became... too unreal.

Danielle was a huge psychotic problem. I'm glad she just disappeared, although that is an evil thing to think.

Great job! More!

U of M again I have a one question quiz: Who is the only Michigan football player to ever receive a standing ovation from the fans in that shithole Horseshoe in Ohio? One hint: his son is the star of a long running network tv show. Good story about a guy that isn't toooo stupid, a beautiful young woman who turns out to have big brass balls, and a stupid whore who just couldn't stop being her mother. Signed: BTW And fuck Woody Hayes.

They are nearly as bad as The Ohio State. I remember upsetting Michigan one year when I played for the REAL U of M. That's the University of Minnesota. I was a TE on the Gophers when we beat them (1986). Two years prior I had wrestled for the Gophers and beat Trost.

It's bad enough I have to keep reading about Mustangs (at least it is the Big GT version) but this Michigan stuff turns a guys stomach.

And even though The Ohio State BLOWS, Woody Hayes is still a GOD.

Great story , enjoyed almost all until the end, Totally gobsmacked at the ending , just so abruptly finished almost as though it was time to finish because your pint was getting stale, Still 5⭐️, Outstanding nevertheless....

Pacmanistan???? Power Pellets????? lmao.

You don't find any action/adventure stories in loving wives anymore. Most of the good writers who take you on a journey are gone.

I wasn’t sure if I would enjoy this story as loving wives isn’t usually my cup of tea and after reading the introduction, but AuroraIncident had you on her favorites list so I thought why not give it a shot. This was more of a novella, and a thoroughly enjoyable one at that. It started as loving wives, went through some intense action adventure and ended with a bit of romance.

Whaka whaka whaka whaka ..... LMAO!!!!

Great read.

Excellent story but the ending seemed very rushed.

Ive read 4 stories by this author....all 5*s. This was another one. Out of the box creative writing. Well done!

I just love The Grand Tour and Top Gear secret agents

This needs to be made into a movie and what about the dude that lent him the car

IT'S THE BEST STORY I'VE READ IN A LONG TIME!

ONE OF YOUR BEST!!! Loved every word.

Hopefully they remember the good samaritan and his car, great story!

Excellent story. The only comment I would say is that the ending was too short. Did they have any kids of their own? What about the guy that gave them the mustang? What happened to pacmanistan? Did they get rid of Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde?

Sorry, but this one bored me to tears. All the characters are mere cardboard cut-outs - two-dimensional. The story desperately needs heavy editing and is overly long by at least a factor of 2. And seriously, very trite and infantile. At best, a C-grade comic book. But don't even try DC Comics - this is way below their standards.

Sorry, I hit 4 stars by mistake instead of 5.

Found it an excellent story but just fell away slightly at the end and felt a little rushed.

A good story. Would like to see it 'fleshed' out a bit more. A sequel or two would be great.

Beautiful

To all aspiring critics, commenter's and the like. Most endings seemed a bit rushed because as a writer you have to end it somewhere or it will dribble on endlessly. Sometimes it is hard, especially on this site, to know when and where to end it. So many people do not like longer stories and refuse to read anything past say three to four pages long. this one was 12 pages long and it does have to end. I'm sure Stang could have fleshed out another couple of pages with kid/daddy meeting and stuff. Block out their official courtship and whatnot, but would it really have added to the story? Some things just have to be cut for pacing. My advice, if you think you can do better... have at ye! It's not as easy as it seems.

For once, one of the authors long stories was a good one.

Good story lots of action. The start was a bit overwelming and the narration of each character was a bit long. especially by the the stupid wife. I think she needs to re-boot her brain. But overall a good story.

The action is technically sound, but the characters acting as dumb as they typically do in Stang stories makes the combination awkward. When Millie started smirking and joking to 'keep the mood light and relaxed' right after watching a guy get murdered for protecting them, I checked out of the story and just treated it as a comedy from then on.

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Long but high quality story. Moved at a good pace, hated to see the end. Write on.

Decent story but rushed ending. This one could have done with another few pages of Millie and Rick’s relationship. Good premise overall though, pretty unique.

Good story. 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Very good story. Such a good read. Thank-you ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Well done, a really good one. Didn't mind the changing pov as much as I normally do. 5*

Love your stories thank you

One of your best.

What an awesome story. 5 stars

% Stars on a great story .Keep up the great work . I wonder why Rick wasn't wearing any Bullet proof vest

Wonderful story. Edge of the seat kind of wonderful wish I could give ten stars

Second time around and still good, Daniell was a real delusional wacko, could have explained her in two sentences. Our hero and the presidents daughter quite the guy. Keep writing, Please!

What an amazing story, well written with a great storyline. In beginning I wondered where the storyline was going but soon it became an amazing adventure where Rick finally got his divorce, full custody of his daughter and an amazing new wife and a happily ever after. 5/5

This author has an amazing gift in presenting and telling a great story. Five!

Absolutely stellar. You did so good with this. A handful of typos. Very descriptive and loads of action.

Great job!! Fun read.

Great read, loved the use of the names of the UK Top Gear presenters, Clarkson, May and Hammond.

Great story, action adventure, cheating heartbreak, new better romance, and revenge the living better style. 5

Still a good fun romp!

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Danielle is one delusional woman, and remember YOU created her. Kudos on writing an excellent story.

An absolutely ripping yarn EXCEPT! FFS the Clarkson, May, Hammond bullshit. For me this derailed the tone of the story. Without that bullshit, it would be an award winning yarn,

I actually loved this story and the use of the Top Gear presenters names, but my biggest laugh came from Pac-Man(istan). 5 stars all the way.

Great story. But not for the LW component. Danielle was a shallow, irredeemable nut job who was beyond delusional and selfish. This author rarely adds any nuance or depth to the cheating wife. In the end you she ended up just like her mother, alone, taken away in a car and (presumably) dead. Her part in this story was almost incidental and her perspectives grew tiresome as nothing really changed in her mind. The rest of the story was fun. Thr instant romance between Rick and Millie was hard to believe but hey it worked out in the end. The part where he gets her to jump out of the car and take off, knowing he would die was priceless. Her comment about naming their first kid "Shed" was hilarious.