Whispers From My Heart

Caution! Caution would be needed, yet the damage done to her was so great, and I knew that there were no guarantees that all would turn out well.

We slept–or she did–then she woke up with a sheepish smile as if asking me to forgive her minor peccadillo. I kissed her forehead, then she lowered her head with a contented sigh.

"I feel so good, so safe with you, Hannah. I wish we could always be together."

"Maybe we can," I began slowly, caution being my byword. "First though, we have to rid you of those traumatic devils that they placed in you."

"Why, Hannah?" she complained, but as gently as she could.

"As you said, those demons assaulted your mind and person after you had pleasured yourself by masturbating. It's a bad habit that they instilled in you that probably crops up to make you regret doing anything pleasurable. If we're together, they're apt to crop up with a ferocity and constancy like you've never had if we don't get rid of them, take away their power over you."

"Oh," was all I heard, but I sensed her despondency as she let that sink it.

Without word from her, I knew she understood what I said to be something that was probably true.

"Does that mean we should stop making love?" she asked with a sad voice.

"No; not necessarily. The important thing, I think, is to have you know what you're facing, and to learn what you can about how wrong they are in their teaching. They are wrong, but you can't just try to take my word for it, you have to learn it for yourself. It's the only way to really be free of them, and to make those demons disappear. You have to become aware that they're just thoughts wrongly instilled in you, thoughts that are in error, and always have been."

"Will you help me like you tried to do the last time; like Rona helped you?"

"You know I will, sweetie. I'll do all I can to help you make those useless devils go away."

* * * *

We worked at it. As Rona had done with me, so I tried to do with Velda. The problem was that she had been traumatized so badly, and for so long, that I knew it would take some time, and still it might not be enough. Though it had also been wrongly instilled in me for just as long, I had no idea that the preacher's words were being directed specifically at me. Velda wasn't like me though–she knew what she had in her, what she was born to be, and it always seemed the preacher was looking directly into her soul and condemning her to hell. For years, that had to hold untold horrors for her.

Somewhere inside of her, she would have to do some heavy work with those infernal habits they'd inflicted her with.

Our love making was more than fantastic, but afterward we'd work on her learning what the bible really did say, and how it so often contradicted itself. We had to leave much time for her to absorb what she'd learned, and as the weeks went on, she often had trouble in the form of doubts recurring with a vengeance. Still, our love continued, and she was always extremely happy about that.

Happy, yes, but on occasion there were nightmares hitting her, reinforcing the power of her early traumas. I learned more about some of them, and they weren't pretty, nor easily remedied. The biggest thing I learned was that the preacher was more than effective, he was as if a devil straight from hell itself had entered him, sent as the devil's own main destroyer of humanity.

Months later, just as I thought we were finally doing well, I found a note left on my doorstep.

"I'm sorry. I can't fight it anymore. Please forgive me for I do love you so much. You've been the sweetest person in my life and I'll always love you.

Velda

My heart sunk as it had when I'd lost Rona.

* * * *

There had been some rough times, that was for sure, but our love making had always been so sweet, and at times passionate to an extreme as it was lustful at other times. Afterward was always a time of enjoyment as the sensations didn't seem to want to end, nor did we want them to end. There had also been weekends when we made love without end, or so it seemed, though we did make time for learning, for driving out those devils that so haunted her when we weren't expecting them. They did do terrible things in her when we weren't together, and her desperation showed it at those times.

Then Velda was gone, and I was alone again, dejected, moving about as if my feet were made of lead, and wondering if I was to forever be without love that lasted for a long time as I hoped for each time, first with Rona, then with Velda. Maybe I should have had her to move in with me. That was a possibility I should have looked at closer, but just as quickly, I knew that her times of internal war would be exacerbated. How did I know that? So often it was after much love, and even of learning that the bible contained so many fables, that her habits roared within her like lions that were starving and were threatening to devour her.

Only Velda and a determination to not allow those lying devils to win could have made her whole and able to love without torments. The torments must have been unbearable.

For several months I only went to work, then home to brood, to remember Rona and Velda, and how I had loved them both, and still did. I also wondered how Velda was, if she was content, or if her demons were letting her rest since she had left me. There were no thoughts of going to the club, at least not for a long time.

But time is like running water, something that has a way of cleansing if we didn't keep adding pollutants. I didn't have anything to add, good or bad. What I had was a need to be among women–all of them and of every age and race. Being with women was a part of me.

Chapter 16

After several months of brooding and thinking, I went to the club again, I felt as if every eye was suddenly staring at me, wondering where my Velda was. Paying attention, I saw that it was my imagination. A few looked at me, but that was normal in the club.

Ordering a glass of wine, I began to survey the various ways that were peculiar to a woman, her femininity that was hers and hers alone. in time, my eyes noticed a girl with long black hair down to her waist. It was tied at her neck instead of flowing freely, and seemingly showing off her wasp waist and gorgeous ass in blue jeans. As she turned, she looked at me for a while, and then, as if she knew me; a small smile played at her lips. If I didn't miss my guess, she was a Native American, and beautiful of face and figure, and she knew it, I was sure.

I scanned the rest of the crowd, noted some of the others, and the many different shapes of their various parts as I had always loved to do since my time with Rona, but something didn't feel right. After having a sip or two of my wine, and looking for a lot longer than I felt like, I left filled with whatever was causing the sudden ennui that filled me.

* * * *

During the work week, I felt no better than I had over the weekend, but I somehow managed to do my work satisfactorily though I garnered a few strange looks at time. When the end of the week came, I had to face going to the club again. It was my only connection with humanity no matter that I wasn't feeling too human.

Going in, I sat at the bar again and ordered my glass of wine. Looking around again, I saw the same girl I had seen the previous week. About the time i saw her, she looked at me too. A huge grin spread over her face and she started my way, her grin never leaving her face.

"You left too soon last week," she said, her grin as saucy as her walk.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't feeling well," I said keeping my voice neutral.

"I asked a girl about you, and she said you come in and just look, at least before you had a girl friend. No more friend?" she asked. Her voice was teasing lightly, but very friendly.

"No, no more girl friend," I answered a bit sadly.

"Too bad for you, but maybe not too, too bad. Can I interest you in a dance?"

"I'm not nearly as good as you are."

She winked. "No problem. If I have to hold you close, so much the better," she was openly flirting up a storm with me.

I couldn't resist. There was something drawing me to her, and not just her looks which were fabulous and very sexy. She wasn't giving me time to mentally undress her as I did to all of the others I had stared at, if only partially most of the time.

She didn't pay any attention to the music, which called for a faster way of dancing; she did hold me close though.

"They call me Dawn, but that's my parents messing with things; my real name, or so they say, is Shining Moons. What's yours?"

"Hannah. Which do you prefer to be called?"

"By you? To bed and hurry, I hope," she smiled broadly as if she was joking, but I knew she wasn't. "Maybe Lover, huh?"

"I think you're going too fast," I worried.

"Am I? I'll slow down for you. I didn't think you'd object the way you seem to look at all of us. Yeah, I noticed, short a time as it was. You undress us, but in a nice sort of way, not like some of these butches who leer and hope for an innocent newbie looking for a Domme to ruin their life more than it is if they're already troubled."

Needless to say, I'd never heard such talk. She was very different, but her body had me warming to her, and that bothered me in more ways than just sexually.

"Why did you say your parents were messing with things?" I asked, picking the safest way to try to slow things down.

"White government dudes, girl. You know, right?"

"I think so. Which name did your parents and all the others call you?"

"Shining Moons," she readily told me.

"Because of your eyes, I take it."

"You got it."

"They're beautiful," I said truthfully.

Her eyes were as black and shiny as could be, and set below eyebrows that showed them, and the rest of her face like no one I had ever seen before. I sensed that I had to be very careful or I'd wind up with someone who was only interested in a one nighter, or just a little more, and then gone in a hurry.

"So are you," she said huskily, the first words she spoke in a serious tone, though a lust filled one.

"I'm not a fling type of person," I told her without thought.

"I don't want a fling, baby. If I'm right about you, I want you around for a long, long time. That's no joke," her husky voice continued.

Suddenly it was as if I was talking to a different person, and it was disconcerting, flustering me.

"I think I need to leave."

"Did I make you uncomfortable? It's not what I wanted, but can I see you again? Will you be back, or give me your phone number? I know you're at least a bit interested in me. Why don't we find out where we might go."

"I need to think on it," I nearly stuttered.

"God, baby, I think I love you already," she whispered in my ear as she held me even closer. "I promise I won't rush you. At least come back next week and let's talk, okay?"

Oddly, or maybe not so oddly, she kissed my cheek. It was a soft kiss, and not a bit demanding, but it wasn't quick. Then she let me go.

* * * *

Back home, I moved woodenly, my mind trying to think, but I wasn't letting it. She troubled me. The quick, too friendly manner, then the serious part of her, and mercy, she troubled me physically, she looked so good, so different–and those shining dark eyes that could be so playful, and so darkly intense.

A part of me began to feel as if I should have let her have her way with me, or maybe I wanted to have my way with her, and I'd never felt this way before and it was much too confusing. What was it about her, or what was it that I was suddenly needing? I didn't have an answer.

Closing off my mind again, I quickly went to my bed, but pictures of Dawn–or Shining Moons–kept assailing me, my senses, and my concern for my rotten luck in keeping my lovers, though there had been only two. I missed them both, and felt my longing to be with them.

Them!

That bothered me too. Then again, I still loved them both dearly. Goodness only knows, I'd have stayed with Rona, and only Rona, if things hadn't happened so cruelly to both of us. It was pretty much the same with Velda. My heart broke at the loss of each of them. Would my heart be broken again, and so quickly by someone I felt such an instant attraction to? The chances of that happening seemed too great. Which was the real person–Shining Moons, the one who was so quick with flip words, or the serious one, Dawn–which was the one who was lighting up something in me that I needed so much?

She troubled me the whole weekend and during the work week, and so did my uncertainty, my confusion of what I was feeling and why.

* * * *

On Friday evening, I did go back. It was a driving compulsion that had me needing to find out what was so deeply calling to me–what was so intently whispering in my heart.

"Hi, baby. I'm glad you came back. Am I welcome?" she asked quietly, truly wondering and not pushing as she said she wouldn't.

"Maybe," I said cautiously, but something else pushed at me. "Why me though. You're beautiful, unusual, at least here, and there are so many lovely girls here. I'm sure they've shown an interest in you, and many times if you've been here for a while, so why me?"

She looked at me with an intensity that riveted me before speaking. "Yes, I've been here a while, I guess after you and that gorgeous red head some say you were with for some time, but before that, they had another story."

I looked askance at her before she continued.

"One said something about a woman–you, from what I could see–that came in and stared at so many, but that's all she did. What they said after that intrigued me. They said just about unanimously, that they didn't mind when you stared at them, that there seemed to be something very sweet about it, that it was as if you were appreciating them maybe like a painter that wanted to paint their portrait.

"When you came back, I heard another one say that it was you, and I watched you. How, I wondered, could such a lovely and sexy looking woman only look and never say anything to anyone, or try to hit on, or connect with any of them? Like you said, there are many here, off and on, that are more than sweet looking.

"I don't know, honey, there's just something so interesting about you, something that so needs to be known by me, and your looks don't hurt you a bit. You're one sexy bitch, you know," she said, with bitch said in a non derogatory way.

"So, how about it; want to dance with me?"

Refusing her offer was not something to consider, and how she looked, dressed, was something else that tugged at my heart. She had jeans, and fitted like an added skin, but she also had a pull over top that was cropped showing off her small, and very taut tummy. It wasn't rippled as with a so-called six-pack, but there was no flab and it was smooth and eye-appealing as could be. That rare skin coloring added to the erotic-ness of her appearance.

In a way, it was much as it was with Rona, yet very different. Rona had never made what could be considered a pass at me; it was just something that had to be with both of us. It was beginning to seem to me that this was as if we had to be, but Dawn–Shining Moons–was being actively aggressive, yet in such a sweet way since her first words to me.

On the dance floor, I didn't resist at all when she pulled me close to her, nor did I mind when I felt her lips softly flicking across my cheek in a feathery kiss.

"When I've not been able to keep from thinking of you, those thoughts burned me up like I couldn't believe. It's like you're a witch, but a sweet one."

Her quietly spoken words warmed me, and more, they stirred me, and I waited hopefully for more of them, wanting them, needing them. Wanting her!

I sighed in contentment.

"That's encouraging," she said to where only I could hear. "You are interested in me as I am in you. Will you still want me to go slow? If so, will you give me your number so I can at least say good night to you before you go to sleep?"

The impulse to swiftly as possible write my number down almost got the better of me. Instead I remained silent, feeling a joy at the closeness of her person to mine. As we danced more, I could feel her hands wanting to go to my buttocks, yet not giving in to that desire. Truthfully, I wished that she would cup them and pull me even closer to her, press our pussies so that they meshed into each other.

Shortly, we left the dance floor and sat to drink a glass of wine–and I stared at her, especially her eyes that were so captivating., so engrossing.

"Now I can really see what they talked about when they said you stared at them all. What do you see?"

As if mesmerized, I spoke. "For so long I never knew what I was, or could be, or should be. When Rona, the woman I loved and married, touched me quite innocently, it stirred something wholly unknown in me, yet I knew it was me, and it was completely different from who, or what I had thought I was. It was as if I was suddenly on another planet with my person a different one, but fully grown, and knowing immediately what I was, or was meant to be. It shocked me in the sweetest of ways, and ever since then, I've always had this intense desire to appreciate what had been held back from me for all my years before that. It's a compulsion that I can't resist."

"But they said that when you were with the red head–none of them knew her name–that you no longer stared at them." she laughed softly. "They thought it was sweet, and I think that they were glad for you, though they had no idea why."

The laugh morphed into a small smile that remained.

"Oh," was all I could say.

"They said that she was beautiful, but it doesn't seem as if she was the one you say you were married to," she said, but I knew she was fishing for more information about me.

"No. My wife was Rona; she died after we were married some years. Later on, I had to be around other women, so I came here, and then met Velda, the red head. She was religiously troubled, and too deeply. We loved each other, and dearly and deeply, I'm sure, but her demons just couldn't be overcome and she went back."

There was a sadness in a deeply-felt concentration in those eyes of hers that were so lovely, and I sensed myself being pulled into them–into her.

"In a great sense, I'm sorry that happened to you, yet here we are, and I'm falling more in love with you, Hannah. Somehow I sensed that when I finally met you, if I did, that I would fall in love with you, you were so different of person, and said to be more than easy on the eyes. I've never been one to fantasize, but when I heard about you, I must have, and nothing has happened to make that fantasy be untrue. Please, let me say good night to you. I'll be as patient as I have to be. I promise," she said, her hand covering mine.

At her hand touching mine, I nearly melted, my heart whispering all sorts of unheard things that were nonetheless lovely within me.

"I can see that you're more than worth it; you're falling for me too. I know you are, but it's fine if you take some time to be sure. If I'm anywhere near right, give me your number and let me call you tonight."

A part of me couldn't refuse her; there was nothing I could do save to nod my head in agreement, and writing my number down for her.

When we finally left, we went out together, and she took my hand. Not resisting or trying to pull it away, I knew that I'd let her take me immediately if she had tried to, but she didn't, and somehow that added to my sensing of her as someone I could, and should let myself fall in love with.

"Tonight, it was holding your hand. When I see you again, I'll kiss you good-bye until I call you again," she said as if promising it to keep me enchanted with her.

Finding it hard to breathe, I finally gulped, and inanely nodded like a love-struck school girl.