Who Killed Jenny Schecter? Ch. 01

"So there's just you and me, Alice."

Alice smiled. "No. There is someone else. Someone we both know and trust, and who is smart, and articulate, and knows how to research stuff. Someone's who's quick-witted and can think on her feet. Great people skills. Never quits, never gives up. And who has an iron-clad alibi and wasn't there that night."

"Rachel Maddow?"

"Shane," Alice said.

"I have no idea who you're talking about. Joyce Wischnia?"

Joyce Wischnia had been Bette and Tina's lawyer during various and sundry life events, and had been Phyllis Kroll's lover, too.

"No! Come on, Shane! Not only is this person smart and articulate, but she also is motivated, because she loves us and would do anything for us if we asked."

Shane looked at Alice blankly.

"Shane!"

"Alice! I have no clue! Who?"

Alice sighed. "Oh, Shane. Sometimes I'm amazed at how your mind works. How quickly and completely you can blank out the past."

"Alice, stop playing mind-fuck games. Just tell me."

"Carmen."

"Carmen! Alice, she hates me! She wouldn't piss on my shoes if my feet were on fire. And she likes pissing on people."

"Shane, she doesn't hate me. She likes me. She and I are friends. We've been friends for years. And anyway, water sports, that's a different kind of pissing, and you know it."

"You're still friends with Carmen?"

"Yes. You just didn't know about it. But we kept in touch after she moved away after the disaster in Whistler. The thing you don't yet understand, Shane, is that we, our group, weren't just your friends, we all became Carmen's friends, too. And not to rub salt in your wounds, but you're the one who fucked up, not her. She and I e-mailed and texted and Facebooked, we talked on the phone. I went up to San Francisco a couple of times and visited her. And you remember that time I went on that Alaskan cruise? You know who was on that cruise ship?"

"She ... did you ... uh ... " Shane's mind was overwhelmed with this new knowledge. It was almost as staggering as the entire confession thing.

"No, we didn't! Jeez, Shane. I have friends I don't fuck, just like you. You and I have never done it. And Carmen needs to have this big emotional connection thing going before she sleeps with somebody. And anyway I think she's got somebody."

"She does?"

"Well, I'm not sure. I know she was seeing somebody, a school teacher, but she wouldn't talk much about it. It was kinda off-again, on-again, like there were problems. But the other way to answer your question is that no, she isn't some celibate ice queen pining away up in San Francisco, where there are more lesbians per square mile than any other place on earth who are probably lined up twenty-seven deep to get into Carmen's booty shorts."

"Well, she still hates me."

"No, Shane, she doesn't hate you."

"She doesn't? How do you know that? What did she say?"

"Well, yes, she hates you, okay, yes, fine, but she also doesn't hate you. Look, it's complicated, okay?"

Shane put her head down on the countertop, the phone still held to her ear. There was just so much noise in her head, and so much to process.

"Shane?"

"Yes?"

"Shane, there's something else you should know." She ignored Shane's groan. "When you were with Carmen? That eight or nine months? That was the happiest time in your whole life ever since I've known you. Even counting that one bad period after the Cheri Peroni thing. You and Carmen were a team. You complemented each other, like you were two halves of a puzzle or something. Like, you know, that Yin and Yang symbol, how it fits together perfectly?"

"That symbol always made me think of 69," Shane said.

"Well, so did Carmen. Anyway, you've always had this incredible radar about people, this ... sensitivity to what they were thinking and feeling. You always read people better than anybody I knew, and you could calm them down and understand them and talk to them. And Carmen was always bright and articulate and smart, and ambitious and had the most incredible work ethic. When she puts her mind to something nothing stops her. You know that better than anybody, from personal experience. I'm telling you, you and Carmen together would be one hell of a team."

"Alice, of all the crazy things you've said today, that's by far the craziest thing yet. Me and Carmen. You know what would happen if I went to San Francisco and knocked on her door?"

"Sure. She'd stab you to death with a dull, rusty pair of scissors. But after that, after she calmed down, you know ... she might do it. She'd do it for me, I think."

"After I stopped bleeding, she'd work on trying to get you out, sure. But she'd do it without me. I'd be the deal-breaker for her. I'm the poster girl for Carmen deal-breaker."

"Let me worry about that. Let me talk to her."

Shane sighed.

"Anyway," Alice continued. "It's about more than just getting me out of here. It's also about finding Jenny's killer."

The door behind Shane opened and the CO named Perry comma Mark stuck his head in and said, "Time's up."