Who Killed Jenny Schecter? Ch. 34

"Yeah, but cops have a sixth sense about fellow cops who seem to be unreliable. Anyway, they'd probably make me a training officer, give me some totally green rookie to show the ropes to."

"Hey, that could be me! You could be my training officer."

"Right. Think we'd get much police work done? Besides, there's the question of who would be showing which ropes to who."

"Good point. Instead of ropes we could just use some tasteful bindings, maybe a scarf or a necktie. Or handcuffs, if you're into that sort of thing. You can order fur-lined cuffs from Amazon Prime."

Lauren smiled. "The point is, I'd have to do one hell of a lot of work just to get back to where I was the day this thing started. Just to get back to square one. And you know what? I already worked my ass off twice as hard as any male cop ever did just to get this far. Every female cop does. Ask Marybeth. And here's the thing. I just don't want to do the whole thing all over again. I don't want to work twice as hard, twice."

"Okay, I get that. Twice as hard, twice. That would make it four play. And not the good kind."

"Does everything I say have a sexual connotation to you?"

"Probably. But I'm sorry, I distracted you. You were saying?"

"I said I've been thinking. You know those cruise ships you work on?"

"I do. Intimately. Figure of speech."

"They must have security people on them, right? People who check tickets and passports and make sure nobody gets too drunk in the Calypso lounge at three in the morning? Probably other stuff, too."

"They do have security people," Carmen said. It wasn't a good idea to mention she'd fucked one once, a cute Hungarian girl in a cabana on a beach on Maui during an evening ashore when they didn't have to get back to the ship until midnight.

"I was wondering if you knew anybody in personnel, had any contacts. If they'd be interested in hiring a highly decorated ex-lady cop with chest full of medals and bullets and stuff."

Carmen was laughing. "Yeah, I think I can figure out somebody who'd hire your sorry, bullet-ridden ass for some cushy job searching baggage for marijuana. If that's how you want to spend the rest of your declining years before retirement and a nursing home. Hell, I might even be able to write a letter of recommendation, that is, if the price is right."

"Are you soliciting a bribe from a badged officer of the law? I could have you arrested, you know."

"Oh, bullshit. All you want to do is put me in those fur-lined handcuffs. But not to take me to jail."

Lauren sighed, her eyes closed. "On that note, I think I'll take a nap, dreaming of you cuffed to my bed while I interrogate you without your lawyer present."

"You're not going to Mirandize me?"

"Don't you worry your pretty little ass about Miranda. She can just wait her turn."

Carmen laughed, but got up quietly. She could see Lauren really was tired and may even have truly fallen asleep. "I'll be back after dinner," Carmen said, but there was no reply. She walked toward the door.

"Car?"

Carmen turned. "I thought you fell asleep."

"Car? That night in Bakersfield," Lauren said quietly.

"Uh-huh," Carmen said.

"That night. I thought I heard a knock on my door. It was a really quiet knock, and I wasn't even sure I heard it. I was naked, I even had one foot in the shower stall. I felt, you know, grungy and dirty, and I needed a shower. I had just got off the phone from Marybeth, reporting in, and I was pretty tired and stinky. It was a really long, long day, you know. So I'm naked and got one foot in the shower. Have I mentioned I was feeling kinda stinky and dirty and needed a shower?"

"It came up," Carmen said.

"I just told you I wasn't sure I heard the knock. But that was a lie. I heard it. But you know..." Lauren's voice trailed off.

"You were all stinky and needed a shower. Exhausted. Too pooped to pop."

"Yes."

"I understand."

"No, you don't. I go back into the bedroom and I find a robe, and I put it on, and I go to the door, and I open the door. But see, it took a while, thinking about it and putting my robe on."

"And you didn't want to open the door being all stinky and naked."

"No."

"I see."

"No, you still don't."

"This is getting complicated."

"You have no idea. See, when I went to the door, there was nobody there. So I sit down on the bed for a minute, and think about what to do."

"I see."

"So I decide, shit, I'm still all stinky and need a shower. So I go take my shower, and I put my robe back on. And I get my room key and put it in my pocket--"

"Because you don't want to be locked out of your room."

"Right. And then I go down the hall, all clean and smelling pretty good, and I knock on a hotel room door."

"I see."

"There was no answer," Lauren said. "So I went back to my room and went to bed."

"I see," Carmen said again. "And you wondered why nobody answered the door."

"I gave it some thought, yes."

There was a long silence. And then Carmen said, "I never heard the knock."

"Oh."

"I was in the shower," Carmen said. "I was all stinky and needed a shower. It was a really long day. I needed a shower. The shower stall had a nice shower wand."

There was another long silence while they both thought about it.

Finally Carmen broke the spell. "Get some rest," she said. "I'll be back tomorrow."

"Okay, see ya," Lauren said. "Enjoy your shower."

Carmen laughed.

* * *

"Goooooood morninnnnnngggggggggggg, San. Fran. Ciscoooooooooo!!! Okay, it's not morning, it's 2 in the afternoon, but I know some of you slackers are just now hauling your sorry butts out of bed. This is Station KPSF and I'm Alice 'Prisoner No. 92530' Pieszecki, coming to you live from my new studio here in the Tower of Broadcast Power. Yep, I'm your brand new talk show host here in the 2 to 4 p.m. afternoon time slot on KPSF, and this is my very first show, and I gotta tell ya, San Francisco, I am sooooooooo freaking jazzed! I'm gonna have a terrific time and I hope you will too. And here's the rules and the format for the show: There aren't any rules, and there isn't any format. Well, there is and there isn't, ya know? A lot of the time, I'm gonna talk, but I'm gonna have lots and lots of guests on the show, and I'm gonna interview them and we're gonna talk about everything under the sun. And the good folks here at KPSF are gonna let me do my thing, which includes going out to lots of locations all around this city and the surrounding countryside, Oakland, Napa, San Jose, Sausalito, hell, I don't know. We might do a show from Big Sur or from my most recent alma mater, Humboldt State Farm and Prison for Women. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am THAT Alice Pieszecki, the Mad Lesbian Murderess Who Drowned Poor Jenny Schecter in Hollywood, only of course as you all know by now, I didn't do it. I gotta tell ya, though, I'm about the last person in California you'd think of as 'innocent,' if ya know what I mean, and I'm pegging about 9 point 8 on the giant Irony Meter on the wall, but as far as murder goes, I am a spring lamb, and unless you've been under a rock for the last month or two, you all know all about it, and yes, we're gonna talk about it. Bitches Behind Bars! Lesbos in Lockdown! Or maybe it's Lesbos in Lockup. Lockup or Lockdown? Who knows. Dykes in Dungeons, how's that? Anyway, we're gonna talk about my old much beloved girlfriend, Dana Fairbanks -- Hi, Dana!! -- who died a few years ago of breast cancer, so you just KNOW we're gonna talk about breast cancer and cancer research and lots of women's health issues, because I am just ALL OVER that stuff, my sisters. And here's one of the other major themes of this show, which is, I'm the new girl in town, so we're gonna explore this city and this region with a newcomer's eyes, and I'm gonna talk to a lot of people and get to learn about it right here from 2 to 4 every weekday afternoon, and you're all gonna help me do it. And before we start today's show, I have to do two call-outs, first to my great, great friend Shane McCutcheon, who as you all know has been in a coma for the last thirteen days at San Francisco General Hospital, so I want all of you to give her your best wishes and best thoughts, and if you're religious, then give her your prayers as well, because even if Shane doesn't believe in that stuff, you might, and anyway, no harm done. Okay! And now my other call-out is to my other great, great friend Carmen de la Pica Morales, the all-time smokin'est DJ in LA and San Francisco history. You might know her as DJ La Pica, the Spicy One. And as you all know by now, it was my friends Shane and Carmen who got me out of jail for a crime I didn't commit, and who tracked down the real killer, which you've all read about, and that's how Shane wound up on death's door, and in a coma right now. Oh, and Detective Lauren Hancock, who's getting ready to be released from the hospital. I owe ya big time, Lauren. Yeah, I'm tearing up a little bit, so give me a second. 'Kay, I'm good, I'm good. Okay! Let's go! Today's first guest is probably someone you've never heard of but I think she's got a really interesting story to tell. So without further ado let me introduce Margaret Elder, the warden of Humboldt Prison, better knows as 'The Farm.' Warden, say hi to our audience."

"Good afternoon, San Francisco. Alice, I'm really happy to be here. And let me say, it's so great to see you in something other than an orange jumpsuit, and not banging your tin cup on the bars of your cell. And while I'm at it, can we negotiate that title, Dykes in Dungeons? I have trouble thinking of myself as The Dungeon Mistress."

"Hey! The warden's got a sense of humor! That was a little penitentiary humor, folks. But say, Warden, do you really like this outfit?"

"It's wonderful on you, Alice, really."

"Gee, thanks. Folks, I'm wearing a kind of a dark brown silk blouse with peasant sleeves..."

* * *

"Hi, Shane. It's me, Helena. I've been so worried about you. I was in Europe when Mummy sent me an e-mail saying you'd been hurt, but she didn't have too many details, other than what was in the LA papers. I read about you in the San Francisco papers on their Web sites, but they didn't have too many details, either. I only got back yesterday, and last night I talked to both Carmen and Alice, and for the first time I learned that a lot of this started because you wanted to get back the $10,000 your father swindled from me, and that you felt so bad about it. That was very sweet of you, but I just feel so guilty because it was all my fault in the first place for being so stupid, and I would never want you to get hurt trying to get my money back. But I love you forever for being so sweet about it. I had no idea it bothered you so much all these years. And I see you and Carmen are at least talking to each other, and that's very good. I don't know what your relationship is, but I really hope it works out for both of you. She was such a beautiful bride. You never got to see her in her dress. I was so jealous! Why, I might even have stolen her right away from you myself, she looked so delicious. But I promise, I'll keep my hands off. Well, I bet you've got a thousand questions, so let me fill you in about what I've been up to ... ."

* * *

"And we're back from commercial here at Station KPSF, gang, and joining me now for the second hour of the Alice Pieszecki Show is my very, very special guest, a great gal who's been one of my best friends for what? about six or seven years now. You all know her, because she's been in the news and she's one of the three great women who helped get me out of jail and find Jenny Schecter's real killer, let's hear it, San Francisco, for the gal you know as the Spicy One, DJ La Pica, give it up for Carmen ... de ... la ... Pica ... MORALES!!! Yay!!!"

Alice whistled and stomped and made cheering noises while the technicians in the control booth opened their mics so they could cheer and shout in the background, a gimmick Alice often used. Meanwhile, Carmen, sitting nearby, had on her earphones and laughed during the intro.

"Hey, thanks, Alice," she said into the mic that hung down in front of her. "Hey, San Francisco! It's really great to be here."

"So let's tell everybody a little bit about you, Carmen. You've lived here in San Francisco for about four years now..."

"That's right, I moved up here from LA, where I was born and raised, in the barrio, and I gotta say, I just love it up here. This is such a wonderful and exciting city, and not just the city but all the surrounding area, too, Oakland and Sausalito and the wine country up north, and down the peninsula, just so beautiful—"

"Oh, I know! I just never get tired of looking at it," Alice said. "So what part of town do you live in?"

"I live in North Beach."

"Oh, God, I just love North Beach--"

"Me, too. I'm, like, seven blocks from Fisherman's Wharf, and three or four blocks from the Embarcadero, a few blocks from Telegraph Hill, and maybe eight blocks from City Lights Bookstore, which is like a holy shrine to me."

"I just love City Lights. Now, about your career. You're an incredible multitasker, you have two jobs—"

"Yes, by day I work for a major travel agency and sometimes as a cruise director on specialty cruises and even some regular cruises. Can I say the name on the air?"

"No, better not, I don't want us to be accused of giving out free plugs."

"Okay, when this interview is over today Olivia one of my business cards."

"Aaaaaghh!" Alice laughed, "Oh, Carmen, that was SUCH a horrible pun, but a really excellent, sneaky plug, and yes, ladies and gentlemen of the listening audience, I knew it was coming because Carmen has only used that line a hundred or so times," and in the background you could hear Carmen laughing, and one of the control room guys hoot-hooted.

"And of course by nights and weekends I'm a DJ, I do weddings, bar mitzvahs, wine-tastings, gay marriages, straight marriages, divorces, christenings, clubs, 49ers tailgating gigs, senior citizens events, you name it. The only thing I've never DJed yet is a gay Native American bris, but I'm looking forward to it."

"And yet another shameless plug," Alice said. "I'm such a fool for a pretty face. Okay, folks, DJ La Pica is bringing us this week's list of Top Ten Lesbian Country and Western Tunes. What's Number Ten this week, Car?"

"Alice, Number Ten this week is the new one by Becky Short and the Stanton Sisters, and it's called I Left My Strap-On in My Other Saddlebag.'"

"Oh, I hate when that happens," Alice said. "I don't think I've heard that one yet. What's Number Nine?"

"Number Nine this week was last week's Number Seven, so it has slipped a bit, but we got to remember it's been on the charts for six or eight weeks now. It's Mattie Maria Taylor's It's Me You're Lubin' Up, But It's Her Buns You're Thinkin' 'bout."

"Oh, I luuuuuuuuuuuv that song," Alice cried out. "I can really get behind that one!"

"Alice, behave yourself," Carmen said, mock-sternly. "We have to discuss Number Eight. It's new on the charts this week, and it has already raised quite a ruckus. Both the Oklahoma and Kansas legislatures have proposed bills in the works to ban it. Yes, I'm talking about Bobbi Lu Perkins' I Used to Love Momma and Jesus."

"I've read about that! The title doesn't sound bad, though."

"It isn't, Alice," Carmen. "It's the next couple lines. Come on, let's sing it for our listeners so they know what we're talking about."

"All right! Ready? One, and two and--"

And in unison Carmen and Alice sang harmony into their microphones the first verse:

I used to love Momma and Jesus,

And all of those home-cooked meals.

Now I love sushi and pussy and one special pole dancer

Who only wears six-inch high heels.

"Bobbi Lu sure has 'em worked up in America's heartland," Alice said.

"I know! Isn't it great? Okay, Number Seven, I'm Gonna Break Me in That Wild Mare, by Madison Catherwood."

"Oh, a song about horses," Alice said, playing dumb, even though she had co-written this skit with Carmen. "What 14-year-old tomboi doesn't love horses?"

"Uh, well, I guess that's one possible interpretation," Carmen laughed.

"You mean it's not about horses?"

"You'll have to ask Madison that one."

"I just think it's so sweet she compares the bliss that is Sapphic romance with having dom sex with a palomino," Alice said.

"Number Six," Carmen went right on, "is the one that always gets me weepy. When I Seen Your U-Haul Leavin' I Broke Down and Cried, by Sissy Jo Pinkley."

"We've all been there one time or another, haven't we, girls? I know I've rented a box truck a time or two."

"As indeed, who hasn't?" Carmen said. "Number Five, Swappin' Spit by Bodie Lee Flutes. And speaking of bodily fluids, Alice, can you guess what's Number Four this week?"

"You bet I can, Carmen. Is it You're Getting Me Chapped in All the Wrong Places by the Pink Buckaroos?"

"You nailed that one, Alice, like a Castro Street florist with a bouquet of Gerber daisies. Number Three, and I know you love this one 'cause I heard you humming it the other day. It's Fess Up, Lurlene (Who Bit That Hickey on Your Ass?) by Lurlene Drinkwater and Tammy Jane Parnell."

"Oh, I am sooo guilty, Carmen," Alice said. "I croon that lament in the shower to get the vibrato. This is so fun, who's Number Two this week? I can't wait!"

"Alice, fasten your seat belt and put your tray table in the full upright and locked position, we're getting ready to set this bucket down. Number Two this week is about a Home on the Range domestic goddess, and it's called That Chuckwagon Dyke Has Me Scrubbing Her Pots and Her Pans, performed by the Daughters of Bilitis Memorial Glee Club. And now, this week's Number One on the Lesbian Country and Western Top Ten--"

"Control room, can I have a drum roll, please?" Alice asked, and in the control room the engineers made a ruckus trying to sound like a drum roll.

"It's none other than Jonni-Jo Mack's anthem of girl-on-girl carpet-munching self-esteem, Keep Your Purty Little Head Up When You're Going Down on Me!"

"Yaaayyy!" Alice whooped it up, joined by the boys in the control room, who hooted and hollered and clapped on cue. When order was restored, Alice continued, "I just love it when a song has an inspiring, affirmative message. Well, there you have it, San Francisco, this week's C and W Top Ten of the sagebrush love that dare not yodel its name. Thanks a bunch to my great friend, the incredible DJ La Pica! And we'll see you back here again next week, right?"

"You got it, Alice. But before I go, can we do that special call-out we talked about?"

"Sure can, babe. Ready? One, two, three--" and together Alice and Carmen shouted into their microphones, "Hey, Shane! We love you! Now get your ass out of bed!"

* * *

Carmen sat in the big, slightly oversize chair hospitals have for patients. It was a dull orange color and some sort of synthetic, plastic-covered, and clunky, and difficult to move even though it was on casters. Carmen had gone out and bought a large flannel sheet, in a tartan plaid, and two feet of elastic tape, and in twenty minutes had made an impromptu slip cover for it, She was sitting back in the chair now, and had maneuvered the side lever so the leg platform came up, and her lower legs were parallel to the floor. She had pulled over the big, rolling, C-shaped table hospitals use to position across beds so patients can sit up and eat, so that it sat parallel to her chair. She had brought in a floor lamp and it was plugged in behind her, its light shining over her should onto the magazine she was reading. With the overhead rooms lights turned off it provided a small, directed cone of light so someone could sit in the chair and still read without disturbing anyone else in the room or on the floor.