Why Did We Have to be Cousins Ch. 04

maOK, readers. I've taken your comments into account that this story isn't over. It's a slow build. Intense at times

Thank you Billyboy1953.

Revised the last sentence from Chapter 3

We were prepared to take our deep and heartfelt feelings for each other to our graves if we had to, in order to preserve the love and peace in our loving families... Fate had other plans.

I tried to put the weekend I spent at home for Ellen's wedding behind me, but not totally. There were moments that weekend and moments leading up to that weekend that would remain with me forever.

The first was when I first met her future fiancé - husband. It was the first Christmas after Ellen's final visit to my apartment when she brought him to my parents for Christmas Day Dinner. I knew she had been seeing someone after her final visit. Through her letters, I also knew that it was getting serious. But, Christmas Day dinner? Wasn't that a 'Family' get-together? I found out later, that his parents had passed away a number of years ago within months of each other due to some form of cancer and his only sister lived in California and they weren't close. So, I guess it made sense. Still... I wanted my favorite cousin to myself for the day.

Anyway, his name was Robert, not Rob. And Robert made a point of making sure that you knew it.

He seemed to be a few years older than Ellen and worked as an accountant in the neighboring town, which wasn't much bigger than our little town of Athens. Ellen had told me that she met him through one of her girlfriends just before her last visit to my apartment.

He appeared to be a decent guy. I was pretty sure that he had his 'happy face' for that first impression. But something about him. I couldn't put my finger on it. Maybe a bit of arrogance?? Sometimes he would just sit back and look at the gathering of the two families doing what we did when we all got together... have fun. To me, it seemed like a 'judgmental' gaze.

It was subtle, but it seemed like the 'mask' would come down every once in a while.

We obviously didn't exactly hit it off, that day probably for a few reasons.

Maybe it was when Ellen had first entered my parent's kitchen for that Christmas Day dinner, and she literally leaped into my arms. I embraced her in a warm hug, picked her up by her butt, and swung her in a circle. All the while in a lip lock and her firm breasts against my chest. Ellen grinned and whispered in my ear, "Behave".

I whispered back, "I always behave... until you tell me not to."

She just shook her head, and whispered back, "You're so bad."

Throughout the whole exchange, I hadn't even noticed Robert standing in the entryway with a not-so-pleasant expression. The rest of the family just smiled at the usual closeness of our exchange after being apart since her visit.

Or maybe it was when I gave her the Christmas present that I had picked out for her; a heart-shaped locket, where the inside was engraved with, "To my special cousin... From your special cousin". This time the hub lingered as her tear-filled eyes met mine, then her soft lips, followed by a whispered, "Thank you... my love."

But I think what really put me on his 'shit list' was when Ellen and I went for our final walk together in the snow-covered pine trees when everybody was watching football. It was during our walk that Ellen explained that because of her relationship with Robert that it would be difficult to explain, and justify, her visiting me again over the summer.

Holding my cousin in a warm embrace in the quiet of the trees, I told her saddened face that I knew that this day would come and that I was truly happy for her. We gave each other a long and heartfelt 'goodbye' kiss before returning to the family gathering.

As we returned, our families each gave us gentle smiles. Knowing and understanding that we needed our alone time together.

We were both met with Robert's glare. Ellen was not intimidated. Then, as if to drive home the point, she just kissed my cheek, turned, and walked out of the room.

.............................................

Time went on. We continued to write to each other. Sharing our lives, just as we always had... Open and honest. Ellen would write about things in her life. Family get-togethers. Her third-grade class and school events. I told her about taking the Triumph along the Pacific Coast Highway to San Diego on one Saturday, and yes any dates I had... even with a few details even though those get-togethers were far and few.

She was still living in her own apartment however, Robert was pressing her to move in with him. Saying that it would save her rent and food costs. Ellen's answer each time he brought it up was, "No ring... No moving in together, if then."

Ellen said it brought about some pretty heated discussions at times. Some to the point that each stormed out of whatever apartment they were in at the time. At times coming close to a breakup.

But, she stood her ground and her family backed her 100%. If Robert was going to continue to play that card, he would lose, and lose her. On a couple of occasions, Ellen's mom sat down with her and asked if she really wanted that kind of life... controlling and dominating. A couple is supposed to be supportive, respectful of the other's wishes, and willing to compromise on issues.

Ellen, of course, wrote to me about everything that was going on. I asked if she thought that she was 'settling' for what her life was giving her, instead of realizing that she deserved better... that she wasn't 'stuck'.

One night as I sat at my table writing my weekly letter to my favorite cousin, who I loved with all of my heart, a spontaneous thought just popped into my head. I've heard that when those kinds of things happen, it's your 'Guardian Angel' talking to you. I had no idea who that might be, but the thought lingered.

We needed to talk.

It was something that we had never done. Don't know why, maybe up until now our weekly letters were enough to keep us connected. But I could tell that she was going through a difficult time. Letters weren't cutting it. She needed to hear my voice. I need to hear her voice.

I suggested that a week from the coming Sunday I would call her after the phone rates went down. Ellen readily agreed.

6:01 Sunday, my time.

"Bill!!!"

"Ellen."

We spent the first ten minutes on just casual stuff because we each missed hearing each other's voice.

"My god your voice sounds so good. This was a good idea. I really need to talk to someone who understands me and will help me sort through stuff. Who will not just tell me what they think I want to hear. You are my protector... my love."

Ellen's voice cracked. My eyes welled up. There was silence for a few moments.

"Sorry," she softly said.

"Don't be. I wish I was there to hold you... to love you... to show you how special you are."

"Me too. I so miss feeling your arms around me. Our bare bodies against each other while we make love... after we make love. In the mornings when I would wake up next to you and watch and listen to you sleep. Tell me that we will do that again... somehow. Please. Promise me."

"Ellen, my very dear cousin. The cousin who I love from the bottom of my heart. I can't make that promise. I know we made that promise to each other at the end of your first visit. But, you're going in a direction where that can't happen."

"But, I love YOU!.... Not him," she cried into the phone.

Even being over 2,000 miles away, my heart broke. Tears ran down my cheeks.

We each composed ourselves.

"Sorry," she softly spoke.

"Ellen, talk to me. What's going on? Tell me. Tell me everything."

For the next half an hour, Ellen retold me everything that she had written to me about. I broached the big question that hadn't been raised.

"Ellen, you said that you didn't love him. Does he love you? Does he show it, and I don't mean between the sheets."

I obviously couldn't see it, but I imagined my favorite cousin squirming, blushing, and grinning.

A few moments, "Even though you said that you didn't mean 'between the sheets'... Yes, but not like you."

I grinned to myself. She continued.

"Does he love me? I don't know. I want to believe it."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you want to believe it? Do you think that you'll never find another guy that you're attracted to? Who pays attention to you? Who wants to be with you?"

Silence.

"Bill, you don't know what it's like here. Out where you are there are people... girls that are all around you who are around your age. A few that you've told me that you've been to bed with. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad for you. I hope that you find a special girl to fill your heart. But, here... there's nobody. Nobody that I find any attraction to. And I'm certainly not going to start anything with any of the teachers that I work with. Not that I find any of them attractive. I only met Robert through one of my girlfriends, otherwise, I'd still be a single woman."

"Ellen, you have the sound of desperation. You're still young. You're a beautiful and caring person. Did I say sexy?"

"No, but you can tell me that I'm sexy all you want to," again, I could 'hear' the smile.

"Ellen, men must be idiots to not see that in you. You don't need to settle for things in your life. Be patient. I know that's easy for me to say. Is your mom pressuring you to find someone, settle down, and have a family?"

"Not directly."

"So, indirectly?"

"I don't know. It's just little things. I know she tries to help. I know that she doesn't want to see me break up with Robert."

"Even when you're not happy?"

Silence. And then a big sigh.

"I know that she wants me to be happy. Why can't I find the kind of love that we share? A deep, caring, and emotional love."

More silence. Then a big sigh on my side.

"Me too. I think about that a lot."

We had been on the phone for almost an hour, making it around 9:00 her time.

"Bill, thank you for this. Sorry about how long of a call it was."

"Don't worry about it. We... You needed this. Let's do this. Anytime you want to talk, call my number, let it ring once, and I'll call you back. If I don't call back shortly, try again. Any day of the week. It doesn't have to be after the rates go down. OK?"

"OK. But, I can pay for my own calls."

"Ellen. Let me take care of you. I want to do this. OK?"

"OK... Bill, I love you."

Ellen's voice cracking.

"Ellen, I love you. Take care. I'm serious about calling me anytime."

......................................................

Her outburst that she didn't love Robert haunted me long after we hung up.

Over time, Robert backed off, at least that was what she told me. We started having regular Sunday evening phone calls. I looked forward each day to hearing the soft voice of my favorite cousin and I know that Ellen did the same. During each phone call, she shared her thoughts and feelings about her and Robert. I really tried to stay neutral. I mean, I really didn't like the guy. And if he did anything to hurt her, in ANY way, I would be on the next plane. But, I stayed supportive and gave Ellen honest answers to what I thought, which she valued.

I could tell that she was trying to work things out. I didn't bring up the subject of dropping Robert and moving on and neither did she. But she admitted that it was hard at times. Things just didn't come naturally like they did with us. It seemed to her that she was putting more effort into making the relationship work than he was. I kept my mouth shut.

With Ellen's description of the relationship with Robert, I could see where it was headed.

There was no girl in my life. Work was 'off limits'. I wasn't into the whole bar and club scene. So, there were just a few causal hook-ups from some single women around the apartment complex. It seemed like every six months, or so, a new and single woman would appear at either the Jacuzzi or around the pool.

It was like Ellen said in our first phone call, "Why can't I find the kind of love that we share?"

There was only one mid-week one-ring of my phone in the weeks that followed.

Somewhere around August, Ellen wrote that Robert had proposed and that she had accepted his proposal and that the wedding was to be a Summer Wedding... July. My heart sank for a few moments but then, I knew that this day was coming. Still, it was difficult to read those words. I hoped and prayed that she was making the right choice.

..................................................

July in Northern Wisconsin is beautiful. The days are sunny and warm and the nights warm and staying light enough to read a newspaper until around 9:00. And on occasion, Northern Lights... Aurora Borealis. A light show beyond words.

Thursday night I got to my parents around 7:00 after a long day of traveling. My old bedroom looked the same. My mom had made my favorite: meatloaf, baked potatoes, and garden corn that she had frozen from their summer harvest.

As we ate, over a couple of Leinenkugels, a Wisconsin specialty, they filled me in on what was going on with all the families. They didn't know that Ellen and I had been writing and talking on a regular basis, and I didn't volunteer any information. Instead, I wanted to hear from them their perception on Ellen's impending marriage.

They didn't care for Robert either. It seemed that neither family did. Each family had the same impression that I had made the first time that I met him. He was arrogant and condescending to everybody, including Ellen. He pretty much put up with having to spend time together at family functions arriving late and leaving early, much to Ellen's disappointment. They could tell that Ellen was struggling with making the relationship work. Why she didn't just drop the guy and move on... nobody really knew. Well, that's not totally true... I knew, but kept that to myself. In the end, both families just hoped and prayed for the best for her, as they saw that she was determined to go through with it.

Sleep was difficult to come to me that night in the quiet of my old bedroom. My brain wouldn't stop. My heart ached for my favorite cousin. All I could hope for was that we would find a way to keep our lines of communication open. The phone calls were going to be difficult. The letters shouldn't be a problem, as she would be getting to their apartment before Robert could see the mail.

Ellen gave me a conservative hug and a gentle smile as we all met for the wedding rehearsal.

We danced at both the rehearsal dinner and the reception. Both times I could feel Ellen's soon-to-be husband and then at the reception, her husband's eyes on us as we slowly and closely danced. Maybe it was just my imagination.

The wedding party was arranged at the altar awaiting Ellen's entrance at the rear of the church. I think that I was the most anxious as we hadn't seen each other since my last visit two Christmases ago, as she spent last Christmas with Robert and his family, who lived in Pennsylvania.

I remembered that phone conversation right after Thanksgiving. Ellen said she had to tell me. I deserved to hear it from her and not in a letter. She confessed that she was reluctantly talked into it as Robert had spent the previous Christmas with her family and this year he wanted them to spend it with his. To say that I was deeply disappointed would have been a world-class understatement. I almost canceled my plans to go home for the Holiday, but knew that my family would be disappointed. Still, it wasn't the same.

My favorite cousin looked like a radiant princess dressed in white.

The white bodice hugged her slim waist. The thin lacey veil obscured her hazel eyes from everyone except for me. For me, they shined as she gave me a gentle smile. Watching her being walked up the aisle by my uncle, a lump formed in my throat as he placed her hand in Robert's hand and they turned to the minister.

When the words, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today" echoed through the quiet church I almost lost it.

And then those age-old words, "Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace"?

I inwardly grinned at the scene that would produce.

The reception was fun with all the family. Robert's family just sat back and quietly took in how my family partied. Now I know where he got his attitude.

I was the only guy there without a date. My date was sitting a few chairs down from me dressed in white. So, I mingled and danced with a few of Ellen's single girlfriends. And every time I looked over at her, our eyes would meet, as we exchanged the smile that each of us came to love and adore.

I had been thinking of our last dance. The DJ confirmed what I wanted...Bill Withers 'Lean on Me'. It would be a slap at Robert right in front of families from both sides. I would forever be on his shit-list. I didn't care. This to my favorite cousin. The woman who I loved more than life itself. The woman who was now another man's wife. A man who didn't deserve her. A man who I definitely knew didn't love her as much as I did, or care for her the way that would.

But, as they say, "It is what it is".

Lovingly cupping her face in my hands as we shared a soul-joining gaze. My green eyes joined her soft hazel-colored eyes. The music started.

'Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise

We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me

When you're not strong

And I'll be your friend

I'll help you carry on...'

The tears were forming in both of our eyes and Ellen pressed into me and I whispered the words I had memorizedd into her ear...

'...If there is a load you have to bear

That you can't carry...

... Call me

If you need a friend

Call me

Call me'

The music ended. The room was dead silent. We were the only couple on the dance floor. We lingered. Neither of us wanted this moment to end. But we each knew it had to.

Planting a soft and reverent kiss on her forehead and pulled back so that we could, once again look at each other and share our thoughts.

Ellen knew what I meant. My mom and Ellen's mom, who were intently watching knew what I meant with that kiss. It meant, 'I care about you and I don't want you to get hurt. It meant, 'I'll come between you and whatever, or WHOever tries to hurt you'. It meant that 'I love you'. And it let her know that she would always have a special place in my heart and that if she should ever need anything... anything at all, all she would have to do is just ask... Call me.

Each mom wiped a tear from their eyes. Ellen's eyes were flooded. We each wanted to kiss but knew it was not a good idea. Because we each knew it would not be a cousin-to-cousin kiss.

It was probably the most open display of my affection for my favorite cousin that either of our families had ever witnessed.

Ellen leans and whispers in my ear, "Why did we have to be cousins?" Her voice cracking.

....................................................

We wrote back and forth about our lives.

Me... any work-related thing that I thought she might enjoy. My weekends. The few dates I had been on and no, I didn't go into details.

About six months after the wedding, Ellen wrote in one of her letters to start sending my letters to her parent's address. She didn't give a reason, and I didn't ask. I suspected that Robert may have picked up the mail on a Saturday and found one of my letters. I didn't want to imagine how that went over.

In her next letter, Ellen explained. She wrote.

'Robert got to the apartment early one afternoon last week, picked up the mail, and found your letter. He didn't open it. It was a good thing that your return address wasn't on it. When I got home, I saw the letter on the kitchen table. Robert was sitting at the table with two empty beer cans and was working on a third. My heart sank.