Worth the Effort Ch. 09

Back in The Neutral Zone, Morgan felt happier than she had in a long time. She liked being back in her store, with her friends and customers and co-workers. It was an atmosphere she'd missed.

The plywood out front still tugged at her heart, but Casey had led the effort to paint it and put up posters and other decorations. Casey had even suggested a contest for a new logo and art for the store, and putting it on the plywood until the storefront was fixed. They would award the winner some merchandise from the store. Morgan had liked the idea, and they decided to work out the details.

It felt good to be doing something positive, she thought. Their little community had come together, and she was only sad that she'd missed most of it.

"Hi, Morgan." Vincent waved as he came in.

"Vincent, hi!" She beamed. "How are you? It feels like it's been forever since I've seen you!"

"I'm good, and it's great to see you back at work." He leaned on the counter and grinned. "Does Casey know you're here?"

Morgan rolled her eyes and made an exaggerated shushing motion. "I snuck in. Don't tell her."

"I heard that." Casey peeked out of the office. "You be good or I'll make you go home."

"Yes, ma'am." Morgan shared a laugh with Vincent as Casey went back to her paperwork.

"I'm sure you're sick of it, but I have to ask, how are you feeling?" Vincent said.

"I'm a little tired of it, but at least you haven't asked me before," Morgan said. "I'm all right. I still have some symptoms from time to time, but time is the only thing that will fix it, so I guess I'll just have to be patient."

"That sucks."

"It does, but I'll manage. I've started drawing and even writing a little again, and that helps."

"Excellent. We all await the sequel," Vincent said.

The door chimed and Morgan looked over.

"Well, fuck," she said quietly as two men entered the store.

"What is it?" Vincent glanced over. "Do you know them?"

"I do." Morgan eyed them as they approached. "This is Jim and Dave, who have a podcast and YouTube channel and offered to leave us off it."

"What's up? Who's this?" Casey came out of the office.

"Jim and Dave?" Vincent frowned as he thought, then turned to them. "Jim and Dave with the Comics Confidential podcast?"

"Yeah, that's us. I'm Jim." He nodded and held his hand out to Vincent.

"I'm Dave," said the other man, and also shook hands.

Morgan was wary. They were not at all acting as they had on their first visit, but she didn't trust it.

"I'm Vincent. Nice to meet you," said Vincent. "Just wanted to say I enjoy your podcast."

"Thanks, man," said Jim. "Glad to hear it."

"I remember you," said Casey and her eyes narrowed. "Morgan told me how you guys tried to test her or some shit, then threatened our reputation. What do you fucking want?"

"Casey, take it easy," Morgan said.

"I am taking it fucking easy." Casey glared at the men.

"This is Casey Lu," said Morgan. "She's my best friend and co-owner. It wasn't just my livelihood you tried messing with, it was hers too."

Jim and Dave exchanged guilty glances.

Vincent spoke up. "I have to say, whether I keep listening is going to depend a lot on what happens here. Morgan and Casey are good friends of mine, and this store is one of my favorite places. If you're going to diss them or the store, I won't be listening anymore."

"Um, yeah. About that." Dave cleared his throat. "We, ah, we wanted to apologize."

"Oh." Morgan was surprised. "Thanks." She shook her head. "I don't mean to be rude, but why?" She put a hand on Casey's arm to keep her friend from going off.

"We were assholes," said Jim, "and we shouldn't have been."

"Damn straight," muttered Casey, but said nothing else.

"My sister is a customer of yours," said Dave. "We did talk a little about your store on our podcast--and I'm sorry about that too--and it turns out my sister heard us and ripped me a new one."

Vincent smiled, amused. "I missed that episode. And good on your sister."

Dave huffed out a laugh. "Yeah. Man, you don't want to get on her bad side. Anyway, after that episode, she kind of let us have it on social media. Not, I mean, in a bad way. Not even boycotting us or anything."

"Then what?" asked Morgan, curious.

"She told her friends and then got them and some of your other customers to post on our sites, in our channel comments, things like that," said Jim. "You have a very dedicated group of supporters."

"We do," said Morgan, "and I'm always grateful for that."

"So there was a lot of support for you, and not so much for us," said Dave. "We lost a lot of subscribers. Between that and my sister, we realized that, well, we'd been pretty awful."

"A few people did 'support' us," said Jim, using air quotes. "But when we read their comments, we realized we didn't want people like that as fans. They said awful things. We blocked them as best we could, but there's always more."

"Oh, yeah," said Morgan. "Our social media feeds would make your hair stand up."

"Then we heard about what happened here." Dave looked around. "We are so sorry. I don't know if anything we did contributed to it, but we didn't mean for anything like that. I mean, god." He threw up his hands. "We're just two guys shouting into the cyber void, you know? We didn't think people paid that much attention."

Morgan's lips quirked into a small smile. "Not even with all of your subscribers?"

Dave reddened and cleared his throat. "Well, our numbers--"

"We were jerks," said Jim. "That's all there is to it. And we're sorry."

"Thank you," said Morgan, sincerely. "It means a lot. I appreciate it." She glanced at Casey, who gave a short nod of agreement.

"We know we can't do much to make up for it, but we'd like to try," said Dave. "If you're interested, we'd like to dedicate an episode of our show to you, and your store."

"We read your book," said Jim. "It's terrific. We'd like to talk to you about that, about how you started your store, whatever you want."

"Thank you," said Morgan. "It's a nice offer. We'll think about it."

"I don't--" began Casey, but Morgan patted her arm again.

"We'll just think about it," she said to Casey.

"I don't fucking trust them." Casey glared at the men.

"I get that," said Jim. "I understand. We just wanted to apologize and make the offer. No hard feelings if you'd rather not."

"Absolutely." Dave nodded.

"We do appreciate the apology, it means a lot," said Morgan.

"You're welcome," said Dave. "Before we go, could I ask a favor?"

"What's that?" Morgan asked, suddenly leery this had all been a practical joke.

Dave pulled a copy of her book out of his messenger bag. "Could you sign this for my sister? Her name's Lisa." He put the book on the counter, along with a Sharpie.

"Sure." Relieved it hadn't been a setup, Morgan wrote a little note on the inside cover.

"Thanks, so much," said Dave. "I need to apologize to her as well."

As they turned to leave, Jim glanced at Vincent. "So, will you still be listening?"

Vincent nodded. "For the moment. I'll give you a chance and see if you mean what you said here."

"Thanks, we appreciate it," said Jim.

"Well, that was something," said Morgan after they left. "I did not expect that. Ever."

"I'm still not sure," said Casey. She shook her head. "I'm just not."

"I'm not either, Case, but remember what you told me? This is a judgment-free space. They came and apologized, and we can go online to check out their story. Let's think about it. It might be worth taking them at face value," said Morgan.

"Maybe," said Casey, but grudgingly. "What do you think, Vincent?"

He shrugged. "It's worth considering, like Morgan said. You don't have to lock yourself into anything."

Morgan pondered the whole thing on and off during the day, and told Shane about it that night.

"Vincent's right," she said. "We don't need to commit to anything, we can just check it out. Still, I wonder if maybe we should."

Shane considered. "I don't know, Morgan. Those guys were jerks, from what you told me. You could be taking a big chance."

"We could," she agreed. "And I can't tell you I'm not nervous about that. Casey will probably want to have armed guards around if we agreed to the podcast and all."

"How about just me?" he asked, and winked. "I've been told I have an intimidating presence. Must be all that time at the gym."

Morgan laughed and kissed him. "You don't intimidate me."

"Damn. Guess my plans of being a strong, silent, alpha-type are all for naught."

Morgan laughed harder. "You never had plans like that." She shook her head. "That's why I like you. All that alpha stuff, that's bullshit. You just need to be comfortable with yourself, then you won't need to worry about who's in charge."

Shane grinned and dropped a kiss on her forehead. "Luckily, my backup plan was to be the laid-back beta."

"All right, you can stick around, in that case," Morgan teased.

"Was there a case you wouldn't want me to stick around?" he asked.

Morgan started to answer, but realized he was serious. I really have to stop joking around about this kind of thing, she thought.

"Of course not," she said. "I was kidding, but serious at the same time. I like you--I like us. I don't want you going anywhere." She wasn't sure how much more to say, afraid that admitting she loved him would send him running.

"Okay." He nodded.

"Did I say something wrong?" she asked. "I'm sorry if I did. I, well, I was just joking."

"No, no." He shook his head. "You didn't say anything wrong. It's all me. I know, I still--" He sighed and paced his living room. "I know that I am not my parents, that I'm not destined to repeat anything they've done. But I can't help it, whenever long-term comes up, part of me panics."

"Can I help you not panic?" asked Morgan. "I'm probably being too direct again, but I don't want to feel like I'm watching what I say all the time. If we could work this out somehow, it'd be better for both of us."

x-x-x-x-x-x

Not panic? Shane thought. How do I not panic about that?

Morgan's green eyes focused on him, and she seemed curious more than anything else. But he'd known her long enough to sense the tension underneath.

He'd found himself thinking about their relationship a lot, and wondering if he should end it.

They were coming to a place he'd experienced before, where a woman told him she cared for him, maybe even said she loved him, and wanted to know what the next step was. In the past, he'd played for time before breaking things off.

It was the only thing that made sense, he'd told himself, and them. He wasn't interested in a long-term commitment--didn't think he was capable of it--and if a woman wanted that, she should be free to find it with someone else. It wasn't fair for them to wait around when the answer wasn't going to change.

It was different with Morgan, and he didn't know what to do.

She hadn't said anything about loving him, or moving to the next step; not seriously, anyway. She had tossed out thoughts, and mused on things, and while that had made him nervous, she hadn't gone any further.

That should have made him feel better, Shane thought, but the catch was that now he was the one who felt attached. He loved her, he was sure of it. The idea of breaking up with Morgan made him feel a little sick, a reaction he'd never had in the past. Against all his instincts and better judgement, he found he wanted to make some kind of a commitment to her.

But how long would it last? As he'd told Evan, it was better to get out of a bad relationship than a bad marriage. What if his relationship with Morgan was good for a while, and then it wasn't? What if they got married, and things fell apart? The idea of following in his parents' footsteps and getting a divorce was terrifying, but--what else could one do when a relationship ran its course?

Morgan cleared her throat and he jerked his head up.

"Sorry," he said. "Just lost in thought for a minute."

"Glad you're back," she said with a smile, but it was tinged with sadness. "Look, I'm going to go, okay? I feel like we got into some uncharted waters here, and you need to get your bearings."

"No, you don't have to." He shook his head. "I'm sorry, I just wasn't ready for this kind of conversation, I guess."

"It's okay." Morgan took his hand. "I wasn't either, but it really looks like you need to sort some things out here. I'm sure I'll make remarks about the future again, and I don't want you to be upset every time it happens. And I know I'll be a mess if I try to make sure I don't ever say anything wrong."

"Wait, though." Shane put his hands on her shoulders. "I don't want you to leave." He cut himself off before he could say "leave me." He definitely wasn't ready for where that might go.

"I'm not leaving," said Morgan, and he saw that she'd understood. "I just think you need some time to sort things out. Talk to someone, to Evan or maybe even your therapist if that's best."

"Yeah. Okay, maybe." He was at a loss.

Morgan bit her lip, and he recognized the expression she had when she was trying to organize her thoughts. He wanted to say something, anything, to fix whatever might have gone wrong, but kept quiet.

"Look, Shane, I care about you a lot," she began.

"I care about you, too," he said.

"I know, but that wasn't why I said it."

Shane steeled himself against what he was sure would come next.

"I didn't say it to put any pressure on you, or to have you say it back to me," Morgan said. "I just wanted to be clear about it. We have had kind of a--" she gave a short laugh "--kind of a crazy ride so far. I don't want you to be with me, or stay with me because you feel pressured or obligated. I want you to be with me because you want to."

"I do want --"

She put a finger over his lips. "No, you need to think about it. I told you, if this was going to work, we both needed to be all in. Then whatever happens, happens, and that's okay. But if you are always wondering if things are real, or second-guessing things, then you're not all in, and it won't work."

Shane draped his arms around her waist and rested his forehead against hers. "I want it to work. I really do. I'm just scared."

"That's okay. These things can be scary," she said. "But you can't be scared all the time and you can't use it as an excuse."

"I'm not," he said and stepped away from her. "Can't I just be, I don't know, apprehensive about where things might go? Or might not?"

"Sure." She nodded and put her hands in her pockets. He recognized the slightly defensive move. "I am, too," she continued. "I just know it's easy to get into a holding pattern because you're afraid of moving forward. I don't want us to stay in a holding pattern."

"So you want us to move forward?" he asked, his stomach churning.

"Ideally, yes, but it doesn't have to be this second," Morgan said.

"Then when would it be?" Shane knew he was handling this all wrong, but couldn't stop himself.

Morgan frowned. "It would be when we can have a conversation about it without you acting like I'm trying to corner you."

"See, this is what I hate," said Shane, once more knowing he was making a mistake. "I hate when things get to this point. What's wrong with a holding pattern? For a while, anyway? Why can't we enjoy what we have?"

"I can't enjoy it if I know it's not going to change," said Morgan.

"Pressuring me isn't going to make me want to change anything."

Morgan's lips pressed into a thin line and she left without another word.

Part of him wanted to chase her and beg forgiveness, but he didn't.

After a restless night, he tried throwing himself into working on the house. If he focused intently on the task at hand, he managed to not think about Morgan for a few minutes at a time. By the time Evan came around later in the day, Shane had injured his hand twice and was in a sour mood.

"What's the matter?" asked Evan. He shrugged off his jacket. "You look like hell."

"Thanks."

"Seriously, what's wrong?" Evan put a hand on Shane's arm. "Are you okay? Something happen to your family?"

"I'm fine, and no. Well, not that I know of. God knows something could happen and it's not like my parents would fucking tell me."

"I'll take that." Evan snagged a hammer out of Shane's hand. "Whatever's wrong with you, you shouldn't be handling implements of destruction."

Shane rolled his eyes. "It's a hammer."

"Right," Evan said with a nod, "and I'm sure you'd like to hit your hand with it again, yeah?" He gestured at Shane's left hand, which had a long cut and a bruise at the base of his fingers.

"Hand, head, whatever." Shane threw his arms up and then dropped onto the couch.

"If you're okay, which you don't seem to be, and there's nothing wrong with your family, then what is going on? Because you are in a shitty mood, man."

Shane glared, and sighed, and then told Evan about Morgan and the night before.

Evan winced. "Sorry, man. That sucks."

"She told me to talk to you about it," Shane said. "So, O wise one, advise and counsel me. It appears I've fucked this up, and I'd like to undo that."

"I don't know." Evan shook his head. "Not sure there's anything I can say that you don't already know yourself."

"Are you trying to make me spend more money on therapy?"

"That's up to you. I'm just saying I think you know what's going on, you're just, I don't know--"

"Scared," Shane filled in.

"Okay, if you say so."

"I didn't say so. You were about to say so."

"I'm going to let some of this slide," said Evan after a minute, "because this obviously has you shaken up. But you don't get to act like an asshole."

"I'm sorry." Shane scrubbed a hand over his face. "I am. I just don't know what to do. I've never been in this situation before."

"What situation?"

"The one where I want the relationship to continue, and maybe even move up a level. This is usually the point where I extricate myself."

Evan blinked. "You break up when things are going well?"

"Well, if you say it that way it sounds pretty dumb, but yeah." Shane crossed his arms and slouched in his seat.

"I think I'm out of my league here," said Evan.

Shane sighed. "Yeah. Damn, she's good. 'Talk to Evan,' she said. 'Talk to your therapist,' she said. She knows how I think."

"Do you know how she thinks?" asked Evan. "Maybe you should talk to Jenna, or Brianna, or even Casey."

Shane's eyes snapped open. "Casey? Are you kidding? She'd kill me if she thought I hurt Morgan.'

"You're exaggerating," said Evan, then considered as Shane raised an eyebrow. "Maybe not. You're right. Let's move Casey further down the list. I do think it might be good to talk to Jenna or Brianna, though."

"I don't know if I want to air all this with either of her sisters, or even if I should," said Shane. "This is between Morgan and me. We need to find a way to work it out."

"Yeah, but it sounds like you need another angle or perspective," said Evan. "Maybe you should talk to your therapist."

Shane brooded on the thought after Evan had gone. He probably should talk to his therapist, but he didn't want to, partly because he could imagine how the conversation would go. Ultimately, it would come down to him making a decision: go the usual route, or take a chance.

He wanted to take that chance, but the implications of it seemed endless and mostly negative.

"You're being an idiot," said Chloe as they sat in a restaurant the next day.

"Thanks for the pep talk, sis," said Shane.

"Shane, you're overthinking this." Chloe leaned forward. "I know that taking a relationship to another level can be a kind of scary, but people do it all the time. They even look forward to it. You don't have to be scared."

He gave her a dry look. "Suppose not, but it's the natural reaction for someone who--"