Writ of Privacy

My twist on a classic tale. No BTB. Sorry, all the sex is off stage.

Somewhere, in Europe, in a mountainous region, there is a small sovereign country that calls itself "The Village." It is a haven for spies, assassins, pornographers, international criminals, financiers that aren't criminal, but some think should be and anybody with money and enemies.

It is very European.

There is government, law enforcement, and courts that mostly follow the Napoleonic code. It has its own international bank, which is very convenient. You can receive the fruits of your illegal activities through the bank, but no money laundering is allowed. In fact, the bank runs the place. Although it is administratively convenient to enable the government, law, and courts to function independently, no one crosses the bank.

Even though the citizens are all rogues of one type or another, everyone is very polite. Everyone behaves. There is no crime. You can plan criminal activities. You can run your illegal empire. You can contract murder for hire. But none of the action can be within the borders of the village. You can do what you want outside the boundaries, save this one exception. There can be no revenge outside the village for anything that occur inside the village.

There is no infidelity.

It is too disruptive. The punishment for infidelity is expulsion from the village. However, there are swinging, swapping, threesomes, foursomes, more-some, mistresses, and lovers. How?

By getting a writ of privacy from your spouse. Essentially, anything that happens under cover of a writ of privacy didn't happen. There was no infidelity, no insult, and no offense. Typically, spouses issue each other a writ of privacy. Writs can be general or very specific. They can be limited by time, place, or participants. The writs are kept on file at the ministry of records.

It is all viewable online with the proper credentials. You never enter into relations with a married person without reading the applicable writ. You never take anyone's word on the matter.

So, let me tell you a little bit about myself, Robert Mackenzie. I have tetrachromacy, an extra set of cone cells in my eyes that are sensitive to colors between red and the near-infrared. No one knows, not even my wife. Heck, I didn't know for years. I can see deeper reds than most people. I can distinguish many hues that others see as just red. It gives me many abilities. I can see people's blood pulsing in their skin. I can spot all types of counterfeit objects, from wine to money to art. It makes me into a human lie detector, or at least a human anxiety detector. I get a lot of work as a consultant in negotiations.

I can tell when the other side is confident or worried. It also gives me an edge at poker. I try to be sure and not win too much and also to have an occasional losing night. I don't really have to worry because my ability isn't perfect, and sometimes, I lose when I don't expect it.

My wife is Catherine, a voluptuous beauty. She is absolutely reliable and a little bi-adventurous.

We were attending a Friday night party at the residence of Sir John Unclear. We never knew who gave him his title, but we all called him Sir John.

Jason Rewzeau and his wife, Rene, were also there. Jason is a sort of financial finder who puts people needing money for indiscrete purposes with people wanting to lend money for any purpose as long as there is plenty of profit. We had been on the opposite side of negotiations a couple of times. My team always came out ahead, but Jason never knew my function on the team.

Jason was always arrogant. Not totally insufferable, but tonight he was an irritant. He was paying excessive attention to my wife and had suggested that maybe they could meet in London later in the year. My wife deflected his advances. I wasn't worried or even angry, but I was irritated.

There is always a poker game that gets started around 10 pm. Jason fancies himself as an expert player. I resolved that tonight I would do my best to clean him out. Sir John likes to keep the game friendly, so the house rules are that you cannot bring more than 50,000 Euros to the game. That is the most Jason could lose, but with six to eight players and others coming and going, the stakes can get high.

I was slowly taking money from everyone, especially Jason. He was getting frustrated and perhaps careless. Towards midnight, we agreed to play a final round. The pot had gotten rich, a little over 240,000 Euros.

Jason was short 60,000 to cover the bet.

By all rights, the money was mine.

I was waiting for him to fold. I could see the anger. I could also see the anxiety. My read was that he had a good but not great hand. It could go either way. He frowned and called his wife over. She was already a little peeved at him.

"Rene, honey. Come sit here on the table."

I think that she started to tell him to go to hell but then smirked and sat on the table.

"Yes, honey. I would be glad to sit on the table. Am I your marker? How much am I worth?"

"60,000 Euros."

"Ooo. What's that in real terms? All night for 30 nights? Full service? --- What do I get if you win?"

"Half of this pot, 120,000, will be yours."

"Two to one. Nice odds. Do you have the cards?"

"Yeah."

He waited a moment to see if she was going to say more and then said to me, "Will that cover it?"

I laid my cards faced down and said, "Jason, put your cards down for a moment. This requires clarification, and I need to ask permissions."

I looked at our host and said, "Sir John. This is your house, your table, and your rules. I'm inclined to take this bet, but I think that first I want to see if you will allow it."

"I like to keep the game friendly, and I don't want to start anything scandalous. But I also like to keep my parties interesting. Since this is the last round, I will allow once, today, and probably not ever again."

Jason started to pick up his cards and indicated for him to wait.

I addressed his wife, "Mrs. Rewzeau, do you stand for 60,000 Euros?"

She smirked at Jason and said, "Yes."

I turned to my wife and asked, "Dear, Jason is offering Mrs. Rewzeau as a marker for 60 thou. Should I take it?"

"Do community property rules apply?"

"Yes, dear. My winnings are your winnings."

With my vision, I could tell that she was aroused. Was it the money, or was it, Rene? She looked at Rene and subtly licked her lip. Rene did the same thing. She was aroused, also. This was going to be interesting.

"Yes. Take the bet."

Again, Jason picked up his cards.

Again, I stopped him.

"Jason, have you issued a writ of privacy to Mrs. Rewzeau that would cover this situation?"

His ears turned a little red, and he said, "No. But I will if it becomes necessary."

Judge Oerlikon, in whose court the writ would be filed, was at the party.

"Judge, would you accept a verbal writ of privacy from Mr. Rewzeau to Mrs. Rewzeau?"

The judge thought for a moment and said, "It is irregular but not disallowed. I will accept it under two conditions. First that it must be straightforward, and second, that it will be filed, in writing, in my court, on Monday."

"Perhaps you could suggest appropriate language."

"I could do that.

Jason Rewzeau, do you extend an unrestricted writ of privacy to Mrs. Rewzeau regarding any and all relations with Mr. and Mrs. Mackenzie?"

"Unrestricted? I don't think ..."

The judge interrupted him.

"It has to be simple. It is that or nothing."

"Alright. I do so extend such a writ to my wife."

"Is your lawyer here?"

"I am your honor."

"Very good. See to it. That exact writ is to be filed in my court no later than noon on Monday, no matter how this game turns out."

"Will do your honor."

Again, I stopped Jason and said, "One last thing. As to satisfying the terms of the contract."

"What contract?"

"The terms of redeeming the marker. The means and methods by which the marker shall be redeemed will be determined entirely by Mrs. Rewzeau and my wife. The marker will be redeemed when they say it is so."

Jason growled, "Agreed!

Now can we continue?"

"Sure, what do you have?"

He laid down a pair of twos, a pair of sevens, and a jack. I couldn't believe it. I laid down a pair of twos, a pair of sevens, and a jack—an exact tie. There was a murmur of surprise and a little bit of confusion about what happens. But the rules of poker are clear. There is no ranking among the suits. In an exact tie, the pot is divided exactly.

I was quick and took 120,000 Euros and pushed the rest to Jason.

Jason spoke up, "You seem to be mathematically challenged. Your half of the pot is 150,000."

"No. Strict rules of poker. My share is 120,000, and your wife as a marker for 30,000."

"That's ridiculous. You can't split my wife in half. Take your money. Don't be condescending."

I did not expect to win the argument, but I was enjoying goading him.

"Strict rules. When an object in the pot cannot be split, the value shall be agreed upon by the winning players. I think that she is worth 240." I made that up, but it sounded right.

"You're being an ass -- Judge, can I get a ruling?"

"The court never entertains consideration of an immoral contract."

I spoke up, "Your honor. Mrs. Rewzeau only stands for delivering 60,000 Euro of goods or services."

"Well, that addresses the immorality part, but the court also never rules on gambling debts."

Sir John spoke up, "Your honor, this is my table and my rules. Would you consider acting as an impartial arbitrator of the rules of poker?"

"Yes. I'm not an expert in poker, but I do know contract law and I am impartial. Do all parties agree?"

My wife and I agreed at the same time. Before Jason could answer, Rene said, "We agree."

"My ruling is binding. Agreed?"

We assented.

"I'm not king Solomon. I'm not going to divide the living wife. The contract, however, appears to have a value. Mr. Rewzeau has offered 60,000 Euro, and Mr. Mackenzie has offered 240. I am tempted to go to the low side since I don't want to encourage this sort of thing, and I want to avoid sensationalism." He made eye contact with Rene, smiled slightly, and continued, "But, I would not want to slight Mrs. Rewzeau by undervaluing the contract. I think that the safest thing for me to do is to assure Mrs. Rewzeau that the number I settle on in no way as bearing on her value. I will split the difference. The contract is valued at 150,000 Euro. Mrs. Rewzeau will deliver 75,000 Euro of goods and services to the Mackenzies."

There was a minor uproar.

Jason fumed and said, "Fine. Take the money."

Well, if I had known how it was going to go, maybe I would not have offered to settle for 240, but I had offered. So, I took the money. I wanted to take his wife, but I stung him. He thought he was going to win 240. I ruined that. Then he thought that he was going to win 120. I ruined that. Altogether, he was out of his original 50, and I was up about 300 overall. It was a good night. I had deflated him a bit.

The party wound down after that. As we were leaving, around 1 am, my wife was smiling mischievously. As we started to leave, Rene joined us.

Jason sputtered, "where are you going?"

"Oh! The poker game was so exciting that Catherine and I had a little game of our own. I didn't have any money on me, so I bet myself. Same rules as your game. I'm sorry, but I lost. I was sure that I was going to win. I only bet 60,000 because I knew that I was worth that. I'm glad that I'm worth a quarter of a million to you. So, you wouldn't mind if Catherine takes me for 60, would you? Don't worry. I'll be back Sunday. I don't have to be redeemed all at once. I'll let you know when we're done."

"You don't have a writ for that!"

"Of course, I do. The judge said it applied no matter how your game turned out."

Jason looked like he wanted to hit someone. I got between him and Rene. Neither of us are dangerous men, but you never know how it will go down. Lucky punches do happen. I don't think that we would get expelled, but we might become persona non gratis and not invited to many more parties. Catherine might leave me for that!

Sir John intervened, "Jason, come have a drink and a smoke. I have some excellent brandy and cigars."

Jason let himself be steered away. Subtle red hues were pulsing in the faces of both women. This should be fun. I think I'll let Catherine have the first turn.

As for Catherine and me, we have issued the writs to each other. We don't swap, and we don't swing, but we occasionally invite a woman to our bed.

I always let Catherine go first. Our guests are always ready to return.

We had a very satisfactory weekend. Rene decided that she was getting almost as much service as she was delivering, so it would be a long time before the marker was fully redeemed.

As we were getting ready for Rene's return to Jason, I asked her about the game between the women.

"Oh! One of those cats remarked that based on the red color of my face, I must have been excited by the prospect of two men wagering money over me. I was aroused, but not over that. So, I asked your lovely wife, 'Catherine, dear, would you like to play a little gambling game with me?'"

"And I answered that I would."

Rene continued, "If you will wager 60,000, then I will wager myself."

"Then I asked what the game was."

"I picked up two dice and said, 'I wager myself against your 60 that I can throw these dice six times and that the dice will come up double sixes, on all six rolls.' I lost on the first roll."

Mentally I computed that it was about a billion to one. I would take that bet. I guess she really wanted to get in bed with my wife.

I asked, "Those were long odds. Jason won't like it when he hears about it. What will you tell him if he finds out?"

"I made sure he found out. That makes it a win-win situation."

"How does that work?"

"Well, the first win is I get to have the sexiest weekend of my life. And the second win is that Jason learns to respect his wife --- He humiliated me. He used me as a fucking marker for only 60 thousand."