You Can Go Home Again

"You're wondering if you can trust me not to pull your football away again, aren't you?"

"Yes, Ripley, except it's a little more important than a football."

Ripley was lost in thought. That was new, I thought. The Ripley I remembered would have said the first damn fool thing that popped into her head, and tried to fix it later. She finally spoke.

"Will I leave you again for some stupid reason? The short answer is, I've been there, done that, and paid way too much for the t-shirt. I paid four years without you, and Makenna paid three years without her father.

"The true answer is, you won't know. Just as I won't know that you won't up and run away again when I do something stupid. There aren't any guarantees. I wish there were.

"Kaine, I'm not asking you to live with me, or marry me again. I'm asking for a chance. I'm successful in my career, I have all the rich-people toys, but even with all of that, I think what you and I and Makenna could have together would be the best thing in my life."

We thought about that a while, then we got caught up a bit on what had been going on in our lives and it was just like two old friends who haven't seen each other in a while. There were awkward silences, but not many, and I think we were both feeling in a better place by the time the sun was setting. She got up and stretched, looking for all the world like a big cat. I got the kinks out of my legs and she hugged me.

"Okay, now that we have that settled, let's go back; I have a fishing outing to get ready for."

I untied the boat, Ripley started it up and we motored back to the dock.

Sunday, Ripley dropped Makenna off, and I took her fishing. She wasn't up to the sort of fishing I like to do, fly fishing for trout, but I knew of a small stream in the national forest that is chock full of all different kinds of sunfish. I set her up with her fishing gear and she danced with delight every time she reeled in a fat bluegill, rock bass or green sunfish.

When she reeled in the first one, I asked her what she wanted to do with it. It was a tiny long-ear, brilliantly colored in orange and blue. "Can we keep him in a fish bowl?" she asked.

"We could keep him in an aquarium," I said. "They aren't very happy there, though."

"What else could we do?" she asked.

"We could turn him loose," I told her. "If we catch bigger ones, we could eat them."

She had to think about that one for a while. "Turn this one loose and eat the big ones," she finally decided.

That's what we did. We stopped fishing long enough to build a small fire and roast hot dogs and marshmallows for lunch. She owned my heart by the time we got to the stream. By lunchtime, I was her slave, and by the time we carried a large stringer of pan fish back to my truck, I knew that my life had changed forever. This was what I'd been born for, to be Makenna's dad. She fell asleep in her little car seat on the way home, and my eyes got moist every time I looked at that sleeping little angel.

When we got back, Atlas was all over us; I don't know if it was us, or the fishy smell that he was more interested in.

While Makenna played with Atlas, I cleaned some of the fish, steamed some veggies and fried the fish.

Makenna was a little unsure about the fish at first, but then got intrigued by the idea of eating food that she had caught herself, tried it and really enjoyed it. Of course, she probably enjoyed the ice cream sundaes we had for dessert more, but heck, she was only three.

Ripley had packed her a small bag so that she could stay over, but she asked if her Mamma could stay, too.

There was no way that I could say no to that little cherub, so I called Ripley and invited her to come over and spend the night. Before she got her hopes up, I made it clear that she would be sleeping with Makenna, not me.

Over breakfast, she reminded me about escorting her to the charity function, and I told her I had already committed. Tuesday, I picked her up and immediately felt all of my resistance to her melting away.

She was stunning! She had her red hair tied back with a single ribbon at the nape of her neck, and then flowing freely down her bare back. Her dress was a simple halter style with a plunging V-neck displaying her generous cleavage. I swear that if the back went any lower you would see the sexy mysteries below. The skirt was a modest knee-length, loose and flowing.

By the time I returned from checking our coats, she was already flitting from one group to the other. I might as well have been invisible for all that my presence seemed to matter.

I felt like the forgotten man. She came and got me for the first dance and my spirits soared with this vision in my arms. When we got back to our table, she was immediately asked to dance again. The rest of the evening, I saw mere glimpses of her from afar, plying the potential donors and schmoozing with the social elite. I was becoming more frustrated and impotent feeling by the minute. Finally, I had enough. I walked over to where she was chatting up yet another potential donor, took her by the elbow and steered her to a corner where we could have some relative privacy.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Kaine?" she whispered angrily, "You embarrassed me out there. That was a major donor that I was talking to."

"What am I, chopped liver?" I asked, "You're the one who wanted me here, I didn't even want to come, and now I wish that I hadn't."

"We can't be having this conversation here," she said, "Come with me."

She dragged me out a side door to a small park.

"What is it with you, Kaine? You're acting like a child."

"So what if I am! You're the one that wants me back, you're the one that dragged me to this foolish thing; I would think that my feelings would be more important."

"God, you are so selfish; here I am trying to help raise money for sick children and you're pouting because I'm not holding your hand enough."

"Yes, of course, it's always about you! First, you had to 'find yourself,' and now you've got to 'save the children', What will it be the next time, 'save the puppies'?"

She sighed. "Kaine, you're not some hick. You know how these things work. My job is to make all these people with lots of money feel good about themselves, and good about the children's hospital, so they'll give more money. You know all that. I'm trying to be as efficient as I can, so we can get out of here and go dancing, and you're still pouting about what happened four years ago. Why don't you grow up, already?"

That tore it. I didn't even go back for my coat, I just turned away and went back to my car to go home, ignoring her cries for me to wait.

I hadn't been home an hour when I heard a cab pull up and she was knocking on my door.

"Kaine, open up, you forgot your coat."

'Damn, I guess I'm going to have to let her in.'

No sooner did I open the door than she was blowing in like a force of nature, dumping my coat on the nearest chair.

"You are such an ass!" she said. "Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was for me to try to make up some lame excuse for why I had to leave so suddenly?"

"I'm sure they'll forget all about it by the next fund-raiser."

"Grrr, you're just hopeless," she said. "Come on, you need to take me home."

I grabbed my keys and drove her home in stony silence.

As we pulled into her driveway I asked, "If I'm so bad, why are you trying so hard to get me back? Why not just leave me in peace?"

She didn't answer as she got out of the car, but then she turned and leaned into the car.

"Because I love you, you asshole!" she said, slamming the door and storming into her house.

I just sat there stunned for a few minutes before heading home, shaking my head. I mean, who says, I love you, you asshole?

When I got home and undressed for bed, I found the checks for both of our coats in my pocket. How had she gotten the coat check person to give her both of our coats? I guess being a celebrity counts for something, but then why did she bring mine to my house? Why not just hold onto it until the next time we met? It didn't make sense that she would take a cab to my house just so she could call me an asshole.

I thought about what she had said. Maybe she really was trying to be efficient: if I'd tagged along with her, she'd have had to introduce me to the people with whom she was schmoozing. That would take time, and be awkward, too. The more I thought about it, the more I thought she might have been right. I had acted like an asshole. I really should call her and apologize.

Next morning, I was all set to call her, when I discovered I didn't know what to say. I just wasn't used to apologizing. I mean, I could just say "Hello, this is asshole," which might make her laugh, but what did I say after that? What made it worse was that over the last week, Ripley had apologized to me several times. It was as if she knew how to do it, and I didn't. That made me more nervous, so I dithered around and didn't call. It didn't help that they published the list of the top donors to the children's hospital in the paper, and at the top of the list was Ms. Ripley O'Keefe.

We didn't speak again until Friday morning to schedule Makenna's second visit. This time, Ripley wasn't staying over. Makenna was excited, and I was nervous.

Ripley dropped Makenna off; she immediately ran off to find Atlas.

"Here are the DNA results, Kaine," she said, "As you can see, the probability is 99.9% that you're the father."

I gave them just a cursory glance. I already knew; I could feel the connection between us. There was something more important I had to say. I knew I would probably get it wrong, but I had to try.

"Ripley, um, about Tuesday night..." I could see her face harden, but I stared at the floor and persevered.

"I, well, you were right. I acted like an asshole. I'm sorry. I hope I didn't screw things up for you too badly." I stood there looking at the floor. Ripley waited me out. When I finally raised my eyes to look at her, she had this warm look on her face, and a gentle smile. I just about melted.

"Thank you, Kaine. I appreciate that." Her hand reached out and caressed my cheek. "It was partly my fault, too. I should have told you in advance what you were in for. I guess I still don't explain things to you very well. I'll work on that."

We made arrangements for me to drop Makenna off, and Ripley left.

Once I was able to pry Makenna away from Atlas, I washed her off and asked what she wanted for supper. Silly question.

"PIZZA!"

I'm still not sure why, but I took her to The Cellar.

I wasn't really paying much attention as I was paying for our order, so when I turned to leave I was stunned to see Ripley, deep in conversation with some strange guy who was holding both of her hands in his.

I was ready to explode, but Makenna sensed something wrong and tugged on my hand with a worried look on her face. "What's wrong, Kaine?" she asked. I quickly calmed down and took her to my car. She was still upset and it took me a few minutes to calm her down. Fortunately, she didn't ask me again why I was upset, and she and Ripley didn't see one another.

I was still seething inside, though. She had almost convinced me that she really wanted to get back together, and then here she is, out with another guy at practically the first opportunity.

We got home and ate our pizza, Makenna pretty much wearing hers, and I had to make sure that she didn't give Atlas too much.

We were both tired and hit the hay early, though I didn't go to sleep, I was still so keyed up by what I saw, and was just about ready to tell Ripley to just forget everything, when I heard little feet shuffling.

"Kaine," she said, "Kaine, I can't sleep. Can I sleep with you?"

"Of course you can, sweetheart," I said as I leaned over and picked her up. I was glad that I had decided to wear PJs to bed.

Makenna quickly fell asleep, her gentle snores easily drowned out by Atlas's. The last thing she said to me completed my enslavement. Just before she dropped off, she whispered, "I love you, Daddy."

I didn't have much to say to Ripley when she picked Makenna up the next morning. I asked if I could have her the next Saturday, and Ripley agreed. She looked disappointed when I didn't ask her to stay to breakfast, but didn't say anything about it. The week flew by and I could hardly wait to get Makenna again. I picked her up, this time. We were going fishing and for a picnic on the White River, and Atlas was coming along.

We got set up under a huge oak tree. Makenna and Atlas were playing happily on the bank and the giant trout were waiting. I waded out about knee deep and began false casting, just getting some line out on the water.

I had been fishing for about twenty minutes, talking to Makenna as she splashed around near the bank. There was a log, sunken below the surface and a deep pocket of water behind it. I made the perfect cast, twitching the fly as it floated over the log. There was an eruption and a huge brown made a strike on the fly. I set the hook. Nothing. Now I was intent on the hunt. I must have made a hundred more casts, trying to tease another strike out of that monster. It was a one-shot deal. The huge fish was done. I got ready to move upstream and called to Makenna.

She didn't answer. I recalled that I hadn't heard anything for a while; I had been busy concentrating on the monster fish. I turned, and there was no sign of either her, or Atlas. I hurried to the bank. "Makenna," I called. "Where are you, baby?"

Nothing.

There was a line of tall switchgrass, nearly as tall as my head, which lined the bank about twenty yards from the water. Beyond that was woods, deep and thick, stretching for who knows how many miles into the distance. I found a trail through the switchgrass and a little Spiderman toy lying in a patch of mud on the trail. It was Makenna's. Further along, I saw a footprint left by her little sneaker and one of Atlas's footprints.

I threw my rod into the grass, stripped off my waders and began to run. I searched frantically, calling both her and Atlas until I collapsed. Panic filled my mind as I thought about that little angel, lost out here in the woods. I called until my voice was hoarse and fading. When I finally collapsed from exhaustion, I began to think rationally again. I pulled out my phone. Great, there was no service. I crashed back through the brush, through the grass and ran to the truck. I drove to the top of the hill and was relieved, at last, to see two bars.

I called the sheriff's department, and reported what had happened. They promised to send a search party immediately. Then, I had to make the most difficult call of my life. I had to call Ripley and tell her that I'd lost our daughter. I felt lower than worm shit. It took me five minutes to work up my courage. When she answered, I just blurted it out.

"Ripley, I need you. I was fishing and not paying attention. Makenna and Atlas wondered off and they're... I... I lost them, Ripley. Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I'm such an idiot asshole!"

"Kaine, stop it," she said. "Call the sheriff's department."

"I already did," I was hardly able to speak. I was sobbing like a baby. I'd lost my baby!

"Well, go and look for her," Ripley said. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

I drove back to the lot we had parked in, hoping that I'd see a little doll standing there waiting for me with a giant black dog. My heart fell when I saw the empty lot. I ran frantically through the woods again, calling their names, searching everywhere I could think to look.

I was on the point of collapse again when I heard the sound of a helicopter approaching. I ran back to the parking lot and arrived just in time to see five men jump out of the chopper. I told them what had happened, feeling like the world's biggest fool, no, worse than that, like a stupid monster who lost his daughter because he was fucking fishing!

I could see the contempt in their eyes. They asked me to stay in the lot in case she came back and they quickly disappeared into the woods as the chopper took to the air. I stood there helplessly, my tears flowing down my cheeks for probably ten minutes and I saw Ripley's Mercedes coming down the hill. I ran to the car as soon as she stopped, jerking at the door handle impotently until she unlocked it and started to get out.

"Ripley, I'm so sorry," I began. "I'm such an ass, I just didn't watch..."

She cut me off. "None of that matters, Kaine. Let's go find our daughter. Where did you last see her?"

I took her to the trail through the tall grass, running along until she told me to stop. "We're not running," she said. "Let's go slow and watch for signs."

We walked along, parallel to the tall grass looking everywhere for any clue. I was clutching the Spiderman figure in my hand. Eventually we came to a small spring that ran between switchgrass lined banks down to the river. We went up the stream, climbing steadily for probably half a mile. We were in dense woods, but there was a path. There was a small steeper rise ahead, a clearing of sorts and the switchgrass had encroached into the meadow. As we came out of the woods, I gave a hoarse cry.

Atlas was lying in the grass and there, panting happily and asleep, with her head resting on his warm side, was Makenna. I ran to them and my head began to swim. I fell to my knees and gathered her tiny form in my arms. She stirred and woke, snuggling into my chest. Her eyes opened and that indigo blue peeked up at me.

They popped open when she saw my face. "What's wrong, Daddy?" she asked.

I couldn't speak. "Why are you crying, Kaine?" she asked, touching my cheek and wiping away a tear.

"I thought I'd lost you, baby," I croaked. "I couldn't find you anywhere. I... oh God... I thought I'd lost you. I love you so much, Makenna, it would kill me if anything happened to you."

I felt Ripley's hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her and tears were flowing down her cheeks.

"It's okay, Daddy." Makenna reclaimed my attention. "Me and Atlas were sploring and I got tired. We got a drink from that little water and we were just resting for a minute. You aren't mad at me, are you?"

"No, baby, no," I assured her. "I can never be mad at you. I'm mad at myself for not watching you better. I won't ever do that again."

"I was okay," she told me. "Just a little tired. Can we eat our picnic now?"

"Of course," I said. "Can your mother stay and eat with us?"

She was ecstatic for Ripley to stay.

I called the sheriff's department and they called off the search. No doubt, I'd be paying a hefty bill for this little fiasco. I didn't care; I would give everything I had to get Makenna back safe and sound.

I carried Makenna back to our oak tree and she was asleep again by the time we got there. I sat down with my back against the tree, just holding her, never wanting to let her go. Ripley sat on the blanket in front of me, those impossibly long legs crossed, giving me occasional glimpses of seafoam green panties. My thoughts were all over the place, mostly on what an ass I'd been, and that view wasn't helping.

"Kaine, are you okay?" Ripley asked.

"You mean aside from feeling like an immature ass?"

"Yeah, aside from that," she said, with one of those laughs of hers.

"Well..."

"Hungry," interrupted the little bundle of love in my arms. We laughed, and the feasting began.

We cleaned up our picnic and went to Ripley's house. Together, we put our tired little angel to bed, delighting in her sleepy smiles. Ripley poured us some coffee and we sat down to talk.

"Ripley, I've got to say... well, I mean, I think I can tell you," I heaved a sigh and went on, "You've done a great job raising Makenna. She's just perfect, and you've obviously been a great Mom."

Damn, I'd forgotten what Ripley looked like when I said nice things to her. The glow on her face was so bright it made her hair look dim. That made it harder, but I had to go on.