Your Cheating Heart

British English spelling and grammar. Please excuse any typos - diabetes is starting to affect my eyesight.

Status Quo and Kate Bush are British rock and pop icons. It won't make any difference to your understanding if you've never heard of them.

I know my MCs are not married, but this doesn't sit comfortably anywhere else. Category pedants look away now.

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Your cheating heart

The Plan

"Thanks for meeting me, Jane. I wanted to run this past you; make sure I haven't missed anything."

"This is your plan to cheat on Jason?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'll listen, Di. And because we go way back, I won't divulge anything to Jason, or anyone else. But I have to say I think you're making a mistake."

"Fair enough; I accept Jason is a real catch. I don't need to list all his qualities - you've heard them all before. I love him, and everything about him. And I believe he's going to propose on New Year's Eve - the anniversary of when we met. So this is one last fling, just for me."

"Well, convince me it's a good idea, and I'll give it my blessing. But be warned, Jason is no fool. If there's a way he can find out, he might well do so."

"Normally you'd be right, but this is foolproof."

"OK, who are you planning to have sex with?"

"Rick." said Diana.

"Do I know a Rick?"

"He's that consultant we had in just before last Christmas."

"God, he was gorgeous!" said Jane. "You have my blessing already! Can I have a go when you've finished?"

"You're a married woman Jane."

"And you're about to get engaged to Jason, Diana. So, did you have him last year?"

"Yes. But we have unfinished business."

"Better start at the beginning."

"About a year ago, you'll recall he spent a week working for me on our warehouse project; he was in and out of there all day. But when he had to work up his figures, he needed office space. You may also remember my secretary was on leave visiting her family in America. Her office was free so we set him up in there."

"I remember. That was about the time you got the new wavy hairstyle."

"Yes, that's exactly where the whole thing started. Minutes before he arrived, one of the girls stopped by my office, and remarked on that hairstyle. She said I looked like Kate Bush. Five minutes later, three more girls came to have a look and called 'Kate!' from the doorway, pretending to be fans. Rick arrived right behind them. After the initial excitement, he coughed politely, and said 'Excuse me.' They turned round, and shouted 'Rick!' and burst out laughing."

"I don't get it. How did they know his name?"

"They didn't! Picture him: unlike every other male in the building, shoulder length blond hair, white muscle shirt, faded blue jeans."

"You mean Rick Parfitt from Status Quo!"

"You've got it. For that whole week, I called him Rick, and he called me Kate. It was a standing joke. He did admit he'd been called Rick before."

"What's his real name?"

"I never knew at the time, but later found out he's Frank. What a slut! I went to his room, not knowing his name!"

"Yes you are a slut!"

They both shook with laughter, and a few Starbucks customers smiled along with them.

"Give me the details, and don't leave out the dirty bits."

"First off, this was only a few days after I met Jason."

"Fair enough."

"I'd flirted with Rick all week. He didn't seem very good at it; flirting I mean. I've never seen a bloke who was so dishy, yet so lacking in confidence. It was quite charming."

"Yeah, I recall all the girls fancied him."

"They certainly did. My secretary's little tucked-away office has never seen so many visitors. Well, the MD came over to the warehouse on Friday and asked to see him. Rick came back to my office red in the face."

"Why?"

"He said the MD was so pleased with his work, he'd invited Rick to our Christmas party. He was staying in the Oak Lodge Hotel, which is where we hold it anyway. The MD paid for the extra Friday night for him. Get this - providing he had a suit! He did of course; he'd packed for all eventualities. But when he'd originally checked in, he was told that, being external, he didn't have to comply with our dress code; hence the Rick Parfitt gear."

"How did he finally ask you, if he was so shy?"

"He came right out with it, just before the party! 'Diana, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I would love to have sex with you!' It would have sounded corny coming from anyone else, but he looked so shy and pleading."

"And you said yes of course."

"Yes. I insisted it would have to be absolutely secret though; I hadn't had sex with Jason at that stage. If any of the others had found out, they'd still be talking about it today."

"They would."

"The thing is, my mum was stopping over. She says the Christmas shopping is more fun away from home. But she didn't like the idea of being in 'a strange house' on her own, all night. So I said I'd be home from the party around eleven. I'd even booked a taxi; you know how difficult it is to get one around Christmas."

"Tell me about it."

"So, the deal with Rick was, I cancelled my ten thirty taxi, and he asked the hotel to immediately rebook it in his name, for the same time. The cab firms always try to keep Oak Lodge happy. Mum was ok with that and said she'd wait up. The girls all knew I'd be leaving early, and Rick made a big deal of having to get up early to drive back to Birmingham."

"Clever. And no-one noticed? I know I didn't."

"Not a soul. He sat with us five girls, remember?"

"How could I forget, he sat next to me, not you!" said Jane

"Yes. He bought us a round of drinks, but he only had a couple. He danced with every one of us; I was the fourth. There was no groping, or cheek-to-cheek. When we danced he just said 'Room 306.' He made his apologies and left us just after ten. When he got to his room he sent a one word text to my mobile."

"What did it say?"

"It just said 'taxi' - I did show it to you!"

"You sneaky bitch, I remember now! You pushed it across the table and showed us all - said your cab was early!"

"Correct! All the girls saw it. I reminded them how rare Christmas taxis are, swallowed my wine, and left."

"And there we were saying 'poor Di, missing out on the fun; but you weren't!"

"Damn right I wasn't. When I got up to floor three, his door was open and I went straight in. Well, we only had half an hour, and I was gagging for it, I was on the bed, knickers off, with my legs up in the air, before he could say a word. And do you know the first thing he did say?"

"Go on."

"He said 'I'd better just close the door'. In my haste, I'd left it open!"

"You dirty bitch! Was it great sex?"

"Sadly, no; he stripped and so did I. We started off in the classic 69 position, with me on top. He gave me a good workout back there and I slipped a finger up his arse as I sucked him. Men like that. But as soon as I did, he shot his load down my throat. It was awesome, but not the real deal. Apparently no-one had done that to him before. He apologised, but we didn't have time for round two, so I was left unfulfilled."

"What a shame!"

"It was. His dick was enormous."

"I got home around eleven and mum was fine. The following Monday I got an email from him. It said: 'Kate: thanks for everything. Sorry about the early finish.' I've never seen him since."

"So, how did this most recent liaison come about?"

"He emailed me again two weeks ago, and said he had no contract work on, and wanted to drive down from Birmingham, and book a room again. He'd love me to join him for dinner, so we could discuss unfinished business."

"And you want me to assess your plan for the big reunion."

"Yes." said Diana. "How does this sound? First of all, Jason will never find out about the unfinished business. That happened between Kate and Rick, who don't exist. Also, none of our gang will ever mention it, because they have no idea what happened. And at that time they'd never met Jason."

"So far so good."

"Jason is away on a job now in Oxford, and gets back tomorrow. We'll probably have some 'I-missed-you' sex, and early Thursday morning he's going up to Manchester. Visiting his folks; swapping presents and stuff. He'll stop overnight, and I think he plans to have a mini celebration, to tell them about the marriage proposal. He'll return Friday afternoon, and then we're both off work through Christmas and New Year."

"Fine, he's out of the way."

"Rick will come Thursday evening. We'll have dinner, and then go to his room. I can't wait to see how many orgasms that monster can give me; I'll be staying all night! Then shower, hotel breakfast, go home and wait for my fiancé-to-be!"

"What if Jason returns early, and finds your house empty?"

"I thought of that; in such an unlikely event, it would be easier to say I got drunk and spent the night at a mate's."

Diana gave Jane a long hard stare."

"I've got it! You stayed at mine; I'm Plan B."

"Exactly, but I'm sure he won't come back early."

The Event

Diana was on the phone.

"Tonight's the night, Jane! Jason's on the train to Manchester as we speak; loaded with family presents. He won't be back till late tomorrow afternoon. Rick will be gone after breakfast."

"Make sure he books the room for two people. You don't want any confusion at hotel reception."

"Already done; he's got 306 again."

"Are you Mrs Parfitt?"

"Mrs Collins actually - he's Mr F Collins. I'm not married yet, so you can stop calling me a slut!"

"You've waited till your boyfriend is over the horizon, and now plan to go and get yourself filled up by some celebrity lookalike. I'll never stop calling you a slut!"

"You're right!"

All through dinner, Rick and Diana chatted and she got increasingly damp. Jason had not made love to her on his one night back in town; probably saving it up for tomorrow. It turned out, the irony of Rick's name was his parents really had been fans of Status Quo, and had actually named him Frank, after Francis Rossi. He said he sometimes played up the Rick lookalike thing as it amused him.

"Well I'm going to keep calling you Rick!" said Diana.

"No problem. Will you shout it loud when you cum? I'll shout out 'Kate'!"

"I will. I hope to be red raw tomorrow morning! You may need to carry me down to breakfast!"

"Wow, Little Rick is getting hard already! He'll be lifting the table in a minute. Which reminds me; I brought your black panties back; though I never washed them."

"You dirty bugger. Perhaps we should take the last of this wine up to 306, and get started."

"Good idea." he agreed. "I just need a pee first."

"What another?"

The Aftermath

They knocked off work early next afternoon. Jane met Diana in Starbucks again.

"So, how did it go?" she asked.

"Incredible! I'll never experience sex like that again; my bits are still throbbing. He's so big that it hurt the first time. I still had an orgasm though. After doing it face to face, we tried doggy style. God, I loved it! It goes in so deep! And he loved it when I shouted out 'Rick!'"

"How many times did he manage it?"

"He filled me up three times last night. Again about two this morning, and managed a last one before breakfast."

"He's probably still throbbing himself."

"He is! He went to the bathroom and washed it after every session; which was thoughtful, because I love sucking him, to get him going. He had a pee every time too, and told me this morning, his dick was still painful. So, after breakfast, we settled for a gentle farewell blowjob. And I was amazed how much there was to swallow. His balls must be working overtime!"

"So what's next? Will Jason measure up after all that? Can you settle for second best now?"

"Rick, aka Frank, will always be the best fuck of my life. But he's not a keeper. Jason is the love of my life. We should all try lobster once in our lives. And can settle for fish and chips after."

"True."

"I love Jason, and he's the one I want to marry and have babies with. I've had my fling, and will be a faithful wife from here on. Rick will be a sexy memory, and Jason will never know."

"Sounds like a plan. When does he get back?"

"I'll pick him up at the station at four. And guess what?"

"What?"

"He called at lunchtime, and said he had something to ask me, and something to give me - not a Christmas present."

"That's not really news. We can guess what it's about."

"Yes but he sounded so excited. Said he wanted to see me at my house as soon as he got back - couldn't wait till New Year's Eve."

"Great! I'll be looking at your wedding finger tomorow."

The Outcome

Diana sat in the armchair and listened to Jason rummaging around upstairs. They'd come straight to her house. He seemed to be going in her bathroom and bedroom, and she wondered what he was looking for. Surely he hadn't left the ring here while he'd been in Manchester? At last he came down and placed a small ornate box on the coffee table. Her heart leapt.

"This is the present I promised you." he began, "But first, I need to ask you the big question of course. And before that, I have to tell you something; something about luck."

"Luck?"

"Yes, luck. It plays an important part in relationships, don't you think?"

"I guess so."

"Up until recently, I'd never thought of myself as a particularly lucky man. Then I met you Diana. You're warm, sexy, and beautiful. When I was driving to Oxford, I was thinking 'It doesn't get much better than this'. And I was already looking forward to returning and spending the holiday with you."

"Aw."

Diana felt tears welling up.

"The Oxford firm, Sedgemoor Enterprises, had a huge project on. I was only part of it of course, and they paid very well, considering I was only with them three days. Then, the day before I came back, the boss called me in and said he was impressed with what I'd done. But he was concerned that my work had thrown up more potential problems. I got defensive and said I considered it part of the brief to forewarn them of what might begin going wrong next."

"Good for you babe."

"Next thing, he's saying no I don't understand. Would I like to come and work with them permanently? It would be a full project manager position; holidays, sick leave, pension, the lot. The salary is better than consulting, so I said yes!"

"Wow! Well done. I'm sure living in Oxford will be much better than this dump. Do you think I could get job there?"

"Possibly not with Sedgemoor, but I'm sure there's lots of alternative employment. You'd soon find something."

"This gets better and better!"

"Well, I said this was about luck, and it went up a notch that very same night. They'd put me in a three star hotel and I had a mini celebration in the bar. That's where it happened, Diana. I met someone - someone who changed my life!"

"What? You're telling me you met some slut in a bar? And now you want to dump me?"

"Calm down, that's not what I said; you're only partly right. I met a man."

"Jesus, what's next? You've gone gay on me?"

"You're jumping to conclusions again babe. The man I met was not gay, and nor am I. He's another consultant working on the same project as me; though he was dealing with their storage issues. His name is Frank Collins."

Jane sat back and felt the colour draining from her face.

"Good looking bloke, reminiscent of Rick Parfitt from Status Quo, but he can't hold his beer. He was drunk after three pints, and began bragging about his conquests. His shy boy act gets him laid at most of the firms he works for."

"So what was so lucky about meeting him?"

"I was coming to that. He said last year he was with your company for a week, staying at the Oak Lodge. And he said he nailed his easiest slut ever; her name was Kate. He was so full of himself, and I was tuning him out by then. Other men's sex adventures don't do it for me. He finished his fourth beer and asked if I wanted another. I thought that might be a good time to call it a night. My job celebration was turning to shit. I was just about to refuse and go back to my room, when he said something that made me stay."

"What?"

Diana was getting worried again.

"He said Kate wsn't her real name; It was Diana."

There was a long pause.

"It's a funny thing about birthmarks. I've never mentioned yours - it's not visible anyway."

"What?"

"Well, you know they say 'out of sight, out of mind'. It's almost impossible for you to see yours without a mirror, so you forget all about it. Frank Collins claimed he had this Kate / Diana, around the time you and I met. He basically said 'Wanna fuck?' and she said yes.He took her to to his room, but came too quickly with her excellent blowjob skills. However, he saw her birthmark when he buried his face between her thighs, and actually licked it. A perfect little heart, in the cleft of her buttocks"

"But you and I had only just met!"

"True. But he said he never got to have full sex with you; that it was unfinished business. So he'd arranged to visit for another session. He'd even asked for room 306 again."

"No!"

"Also before we met, I did a free Health and Safety check for the Oak Lodge, so the manager owes me. He set up surveillance in 306 and sent me these this morning."

"Oh God!"

"Have a look; they're very good quality. The first ones are ok, where you do the standard sucking and fucking. But once he does it doggy style, you can just make out your little heart when he holds you open - wide open."

"Jason, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be Di. We're talking about luck. Imagine what might have happened if I'd never found out. I was about to marry you. Talk about a lucky escape!"

"But it was only that one time!"

"So is murder."

Diana buried her face in her hands and cried.

"Couple of things you should know before I leave. Pay attention, you need to hear this. First, Frank Collins is married, and has two young daughters. Second, he signed in at Oak Lodge with his actual address. So I've sent copies to the other Mrs Collins."

"No!"

"Yes. When I was a teenager, my father had an affair, and after the divorce my mother constantly said she wished someone had told her.

Third, in Oxford, Frank went to the Gents' far too many times, claiming he had a sore dick. I suspect he has gonorrhoea. So here is that special question I was going to ask you tonight. Have you been to the clinic yet?"

"No."

"Then do it, before some Mick Jagger lookalike dangles his cock in front of you. God knows what it's done to you. You could end up infertile. Then again, that might be a blessing. I'm off to Oxford now - bye!"

Eventually Diana opened the box. Inside was her door key.