All Comments on 'Zombie'

i love sex with monster girl and kissing dark lips, theres also another one called "sideshow sylvie" another zombie flick, check that out!

I'm glad you liked it. I'll probably be writing some more monster girl stories. Right now I'm trying to finish part 3 of the A Gift From Hell, series.

Okay! Cool! I'll check it out.

i love your stories they are short and fun i don't have to take them at all serious its great

Thanks, Anonymous. Not all of them are this short. Sometimes I add more story and length. But generally they're short and straight to the point like this one.

I'm glad you enjoy my work. I already submitted a new one and I'm currently working on a few more new ones.

“I had been with my girlfriend for about two years.”

This is not the most gripping of opening paragraphs.

“We never had any real problems with each other and got along a lot better than what most couples did, very rarely fighting, and always laughing, hugging and kissing.”

Not much better, although at least there’s indirect tension from the reader’s assumption that these circumstances are about to change.

“Of course this all changed when she dropped a bombshell and revealed to me she had been cheating on me with another guy.”

Surely some variation of this should be your opener? It’s the first paragraph in the story that might make a reader curious to find out what happens next.

“I was pretty hurt by that.”

This is redundant. Of course he was hurt, who wouldn’t be? It’s also just a flat sentence. Surely there’s a more engaging way to communicate emotional turmoil?

“But then she told me who it was, and it hit harder; it was my best friend, Trent.”

This is a cliché. Why are these opening graphs even here at all? Nothing that we’re told matters later. The story could open on the street scene and what would we have lost? I suppose we’re trying to establish that the protagonist is so hard-up that even zombie sex eventually becomes perversely appealing for him…but since he’s effectively raped in the end that doesn’t actually matter either.

"My urge to just fuck someone was overwhelming, but what was I to do? I left my slut girlfriend, and catching aids didn't sound quite appealing to my taste, either.”

What in the world does this mean? Is Van unaware of how basic safer sex practices work? Did one of those Abstinence Only classes do a number on him that he never recovered from? What is going on with this story?

"‘I need a girl so bad.’ I whined while shaking my head.”

There is a fine line between a protagonist who is so down on his luck that we can’t help but sympathize with him and a protagonist so down on his luck that it just seems kind of whiny and unpleasant.

“My friend Melissa was only interested in me as a friend. So she wasn't up for the role of girlfriend and turned it down.”

…so, why are we learning about her? This is Melissa’s first and only reference in the entire story, and what did it add? I speculate that, again, we’re supposed to feel bad that Van can’t catch a break, but to this reader he really just sounds pitiful: Evidently he knows only one woman and he tried to weasel a pity fuck out of her the instant he was single.

"‘VAN! HELP ME!’ He screamed into the phone.”

Why is this the person he would call? I know this turns out to be a dream, but I think it’s still a good question, particularly since the reader is not going to know that until much later. On the bright side, we have now at last arrived to the part of the story that is at all important to the story.

I’m not going to go through the entire story this way, but I’m sure people get the point: Nothing in this really makes sense, either at face value or from a storytelling point of view. Sentences, paragraphs, and ideas are habitually unrelated to anything that came before and disconnected from much of what comes after. We drift from one statement to another, sometimes touching down on an idea for a bit and sometimes abandoning it immediately but never finding much substance in any case. The narrative feels amateurish and barely finished, like something written out of idleness and published after a single draft. When the story’s action finally does start to rise, it’s not much of an improvement:

“She walked, and walked, and walked slowly towards me, until she was right in front of me, making it impossible to do anything.”

Show of hands, is this anyone’s idea of gripping prose? "She walked and walked and walked slowly." Was she more plodding than this sentence? Is anyone on the edge of their seat right now? I have trouble imagining a more rote and unenthusiastic way to frame this scene. How about this part:

“’So you gonna take me out, too?’ I inquired, trying to put on a brave face.”

Does sound either naturalistic or dramatic? The tone is so diffident that it almost seems like it just doesn‘t care, like this story is barely keeping itself awake. Sorry, writer; I hate to crap on you like this, but I just don’t get it. This is one of the strangest submissions I’ve ever read on this site, in that most disappointing stories go awry because the writer is trying entirely TOO hard. By contrast, I can’t remember ever encountering something this timid and half-formed. Above all, good writing is hard work. Maybe I’m wrong and a lot of effort went into this. But it still needs more.

I'm sick... this story is sick. I liked it. I'd fuck this zombie gal too! Great story!

As much as I like zombie media, this was one of the biggest turn offs ever. I enjoyed reading it tho

I love stories like these, me and my boyfriends favorite love storie is Clive Barkers hackles Tale from masters of horror and yeah we are goths lol Necro is one of the things that i like reading about. good story

"I knew that masturbating too much was bad, and could do a lot of harm to you"

Uhm, no.

Nice.

What a WILD Horror Story .I think this could alo be converted to a gay male theme with 2 men maybe in San Francisco. and may be a vampire as the one who likes sperm.

[17.12.22]

Fun und Hawt!

11/10!!!!!

This story seems to get a lot of critique - but the sex scene is one of my favourites on the site, so keep your head up :)