A Relapse Ch. 01bypangolin©
"Tina," her psychologist, Dr. Genovese, said, "the way your father treated you made you expect punishment from men when you perceive that you have incurred their disapproval. In other words, you have been programmed to believe that you deserve to be the recipient of men's violence. It takes a lot of work and time to reprogram yourself to realize that you are strong and that you are not responsible for the psychotic behavior of others and that you do not deserve abuse. You are accountable only to yourself. You have to treat yourself with respect and learn to demand that same respect from others. Given your history, however, it is understandable that you are still struggling to fully embrace your own empowerment. The first step is to realize, rationally, that you did not deserve to be treated the way your father treated you. And I think you've made that difficult first step."
"Yes. I have," Tina answered. "I know that my father was wrong to do what he did to me. It still feels strange to say...that he 'beat' and...and...and...that he...he fucked me."
Tina felt and immediately began to stifle that old familiar craving deep inside her as she spoke the word "fucked."
"I know in my mind that I didn't deserve it," she added.
Her mind might have known that nearly daily abuse she endured from her father wasn't her fault, but her body still responded otherwise. In her mind she could tell herself that she wasn't a piece of shit, a dirty fuck-up, a pathetic whore, but she still felt like she was. For so long she had felt that receiving abuse was her natural condition. She felt that she should be used and abused. She had developed impulses that welcomed, even craved, punishment. Her psychology had become so twisted that she really only felt safe when she was being abused. She wanted to change, to be empowered like regular people, but could she?
First, she knew, she would need to restore her relationship with her husband, Ted, who she had cheated on repeatedly with Thomas. Ted had been very good to her, always supportive and never cruel. Thomas, on the other hand, reminded her much of her father, and abused her like her father had, too. This is what drew her to him. He seemed to sense it in her, coming up behind her in a bar and whispering in her that he could see it written on her face that she was bad and that within hours he would be would be punishing her for it by fucking her throat. She nearly sank to the floor with humiliation and an open mouth when he did that. It was Ted's discovery of her affair with Thomas nearly a year ago that had been the impetus for her decision to begin therapy.
Dr. Genovese answered, "No, you didn't deserve to be victimized. No one does. And the first step to turning your life around is realizing that you didn't deserve it. Now you just have to convince yourself fully in your heart and soul that you didn't—and don't—deserve to be abused so that you can change your behavior. How are things going with Ted?"
"Pretty good," Tina said. "It's going to take some time for him to trust me again. But he's super supportive and he wants to trust me, which gives me added incentive to work to change myself." Tina thought back to an episode a few days ago when Ted got mad at her for forgetting to buy something at the grocery store. "How could you forget? I specifically asked you for one thing and you forgot it!" When he yelled at her she felt the old way again for the first time in months. Something deep inside her started begging: begging to be slapped, fucked, hurt, humiliated, degraded. He quickly noticed how his words affected her and apologized, saying "it's okay, T., everybody makes mistakes. It's no big deal, really." She knew he was right. She knew he loved her and didn't want to hurt her. But when he put his arms around her to comfort her she wished that he would hurt her. She longed for him to use her. She felt she deserved to be treated as a filthy cumhole. Tina didn't admit this to Dr. Genovese, feeling that it was too much of a setback.
"That's great," Dr. Genovese said. It's really important to have someone in your life who values and supports you. And I think you're making great progress. I'm very proud of you." As the doctor said this she looked into Tina's eyes with what appeared to Tina a lack of conviction. Tina felt suddenly that Dr. Genovese didn't believe that Tina was progressing. Was this Tina projecting her own fears and lack of confidence onto Dr. Genovese's expression?
"Well," Dr. Genovese continued, "it looks like we're out of time. I'll see you next week. Keep up the good work and, as always, feel free to contact me in an emergency."
As she left the doctor's office, Tina knew she was supposed to be uplifted, but she didn't feel the normal reinforcement that she usually felt when she left the office. Instead, she felt confused and unsteady on her legs. Her mind was full of conflicting thoughts. She made her way quickly to the elevator. As soon as she hit the down button, the doors opened and, looking at the floor, she rushed into the elevator. When she did, she collided with a man exiting, spilling the cup of coffee he was holding all down the front of his suit.
"What the fuck!" he yelled. "Jesus!"
"I'm so sorry," Tina pleaded. "I...I...I...don't know what happened. Here, can I????"
She reached toward him. How could she be so stupid, she asked herself? God, she was such a klutz, such a dumb ass, such a piece of shit, such a fucking useless waste of a person, such a fucking whore.
"Fuck!" he screamed. The coffee apparently was still quite hot. "My fucking suit is ruined. Why don't you watch where the fuck you're going? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Tina's insides began to stir with the old familiar hunger as the man walked across the hallway and entered the restroom. He was quite a large man, overweight, balding, and shabby.
"Fucking bitch," he muttered.
Tina stood outside the restroom for a few seconds. Her mind told her to get in the elevator and go, but her body wouldn't let her. She had to do something for this man...whatever he wanted to do with her, use her mouth, her ass, her cunt.
You don't have to do this, she told herself. You don't have to do this. You don't have to do this. Her eyes and pussy started to moisten simultaneously. Tears rolled down her face and she knew right then that she didn't really have the choice that her mind tried to tell her she had. She walked over to the bathroom door. She could not turn back. She did not knock. In his haste, he had neglected to lock it.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he said.
He was standing in front of the sink, his shirt open exposing a fat, hairy belly. He was dabbing the brown stained shirt.
"I'm sorry. Can I do something?" she asked.
"What? What the fuck are you doing in here? Are you fucking crazy?"
Tina didn't answer, but locked the door and dropped to her knees, wedging herself between the man and the sink. She reached for his zipper, lowering it and pulling his nasty cock out.
"Can I suck your cock? I need to."
"You are a crazy fucking whore aren't you?" he said, his member beginning to swell as she slurped it into her mouth. She took his fast hardening cock, sticking her tongue out and lapping his balls as she pressed her face up against him, her nose buried in his musty pubes. She inhaled deeply and sucked as hard as she could. She felt like she was home, doing her job, performing the function she was born to perform. His cock grew quickly to an enormous erection. She felt it grow in her mouth and she fought to keep her head pressed against his body as his cock sought the back of her throat. She felt herself begin to gag. A year ago, Thomas's unmerciful face-fuckings had left her unable to gag. It was one of the things that made him degrade her even more. "You don't even gag with an eight inch cock rammed balls deep down your throat. Such a trash whore" he would say.
She was gagging now, though, and could feel herself throwing up a little. She tried to swallow it, but some of her vomit forced its way out of her mouth, down her chin and onto her chest.
"Did you just fucking puke on me you goddamn whore? You did. You fucking stupid whore."
He fucked her face even harder. She vomited again, all over the man's cock and down the front of her clothes. "I'm so sorry," she said.
The man pulled his now raging hard cock out of her mouth, reached down, and ripped Tina's shirt open. "You are fucking sorry, you whore," he said. With one hand he grabbed her hair and threw her head back against the sink, nearly knocking her unconscious. Tina felt dizzy and in a sort of half-dream state. With the other hand he yanked her bra down under her tits. She stared at his engorged cock. It was all she could see. His cock came back at her mouth. She opened as wide as she could as the cock hit the roof of her mouth and slid down, ramming its way all the way down her throat. He fucked her face with vengeance and anger. Tina cried and choked and her pussy throbbed with excitement. Her panties were soaked now with the combination of her pussy juice and the mix of saliva and vomit coming out of her mouth. This, she thought, is exactly what I needed.
The man fiercely pumped his cock against the back of her throat. Tina felt filled up. She knew that this was the only way to combat the emptiness inside her. She wanted desperately to reach into her pants, but every time she tried the man slapped her.
"Keep your hands off your nasty-ass pussy. This isn't about your pleasure; this is about your fucking punishment, you stupid whore."
Little did he know the absolute euphoric pleasure she was feeling already. His cocked pounded her throat, but had he known how she felt he might have done worse. She loved the feeling: the rigid head of a cock smashing into the soft spot at the back of her throat and even going beyond it, seemingly to the core of her being. He slammed his cock in as far as he could, pinning her head against the sink. He reached down and pinched off her nose.
"Now, swallow it, you whore! Stick your tongue out and lick my fucking balls, too."
She did as she was told. His massive fingers pinching her nose smashed up against her eyes. When she stuck her tongue out, saliva ran profusely out of her mouth, onto her chest, and down her stomach into her skirt. The liquid had saturated her pants and was now running down both of her legs onto the floor. She was soaking wet. He held his cock steady deep in her throat. She tried to open her mouth and force it deeper, wiggling her throat to continue stimulating him. But she was starting to suffocate. She began to panic and her instincts made her try to twist her head to the side, even though in her mind she wanted to force the cock deeper. He sensed what she was doing and pressed into her harder.
"Do not try to get that cock out of your mouth."
He released her nose but her face was still pressed against his torso and when she desperately tried to breathe in there was so much saliva on top of his cock that she snorted in all liquid and no air. She could feel her heartbeat in her head now. Her head began to tingle and she closed her eyes. He reached down and pulled her eyelids open.
"Don't you fucking move. And look at me while I fuck your face."
Her head was getting hot now. She was literally drowning on cock. Her mind was now fully committed to what was happening. All reservation was gone. She was doing what she was supposed to be doing. Now her body was struggling for air, but in her mind she wanted him to keep her here, to do whatever he had to do. She started thinking about his cum. She forgot about air. Cum was what she wanted, needed. She tried desperately to move her throat further onto his cock. He felt what she was doing now.
"You want my fucking load, don't you? You love this shit, you cocksucking whore. You are nothing but a dirty little cocksucking whore."
He pulled out about halfway. She instinctively gasped for air.
"You can breathe, but don't you dare take that cock out of your mouth. I told you to stick your tongue out. Now keep it out."
He didn't give her much time to get a breath. He started rhythmically stabbing her face. She tried to say "cum" with every pump down her throat, but she doubted if he could hear anything more than a gurgle. His thrusts became faster and faster. She knew he was about to cum. She grabbed his ass and helped increase his momentum as he plunged down her throat.
"What a fucking whore," she heard him say, as his legs began to tremble. Low growls came out of his throat. "Yeeeessssssssss. Yeeeesssssssssssssss!"
She felt the first spurt of jism hit her throat and this drove her over the edge.
"I am a fucking cock whore," she thought. All she could think was "cum, cum, cum, CUM!"
After three more blasts of cum, the man staggered back a few steps, leaving her exhausted head leaning back against the wall underneath the sink. She crawled forward and tried to suck out the remaining drops of cum but he pushed her head away.
"You are a disgusting whore," he said. This only aroused her more. She felt her pussy shudder.
"Please," she begged. "Let me have the last of it. I owe you."
"Fuck off," he said. Get the fuck out of here!"
He grabbed her by her hair and threw her out into the hallway. She leaned up against the wall, her hair obviously disheveled, her shirt ripped open, her bare tits hanging out, her clothing and her body soaking wet. She hoped another man would come around the corner and repeat what had just happened in the bathroom. Then she thought about Dr. Genovese, and knew that she had to get out of there. Oh my god, what had she just done? She had just allowed—even forced—a man to use her...and she wanted more.