tagCelebrities & Fan FictionBatman: The Masturbation Menace

Batman: The Masturbation Menace


The Bat Signal lit the sky over Gotham City. On a hill just outside the city limits, Batman said, "Quickly, Boytoy Wonder. To the Batmobile. We have to get to police headquarters."

Dildo the Boytoy Wonder wiped his mouth and stood. "What's going on?"

Batman sighed. Why hadn't the sidekick temp agency sent him someone with brains to fill in while Robin was on his Hedo vacation? "The Bat Signal is lit," he explained, hoping he sounded more patient than he felt. "Commissioner Gordon needs us."

"Oh. Who's Commissioner Gordon again?"

Batman squelched the urge to throttle the Boytoy Wonder. "Just get in the car."

As the Batmobile raced through the streets of Gotham, Dildo's hand crept over the center console to Batman's thigh. Batman knocked it away. "Not now. We have a crime to solve."

"But we didn't finish what we were doing," Dildo whined.

"Later, Boytoy Wonder." The young man definitely lived up to his name, Batman reflected.

The Batmobile stopped in front of Gotham's police headquarters, and Batman leapt out of the car. Dildo's cape caught on the door, causing him to fall flat on his face. Batman rolled his eyes. "Get up and come on."

"Sidekick training school never mentioned leaping out of cars," Dildo muttered.

The Dynamic Duo were ushered into the chief's office, where Commissioner Gordon paced in front of a map full of pushpins. "Each of these pins represents a heinous crime," he intoned. "Young, sexy women have been found in each location, with... oh, it's almost too horrible to mention."

"Were they murdered?" Batman queried.

"Worse," the Commissioner replied. "They were masturbating!"

"Nothing wrong with a little self-relief," Dildo commented.

"Perhaps not," the Commissioner said. "But each of the women completely ignored the male officers who attempted to assist them. And we've had reports from men whose dates or girlfriends refused to even kiss them after receiving mysterious packages in the mail. The women of Gotham City are shunning all men!"

"Some women aren't interested in men, Commissioner," Batman pointed out.

"I'm aware of that, Caped Crusader. However, the women we've encountered had all happily engaged in heterosexual relations prior to receiving these packages."

"What's in the packages?" Batman wanted to know.

"We've been trying for days to determine that, but the men who reported their girlfriends receiving them weren't able to find out," the Commissioner responded. "The women refused to tell them, and in at least one case, threw the man out of the house rather than risk his finding out. But we got a break a little while ago, which is why we summoned you. Boobsicle Girl received one of the packages this afternoon. I instructed her not to open it, but to bring it straight here." He checked his watch. "She should have been here by now. I hope nothing's happened to her."

"Perhaps you should call her," Batman suggested.

Commissioner Gordon picked up the phone and dialed Boobsicle Girl's top-secret number. After a minute, he shook his head. "Ten rings and no answer. Something's wrong, Caped Crusader. Boobsicle Girl always takes my calls."

"We'll go to her apartment and check things out." Batman turned to Dildo. "When entering a home or apartment, who goes first, the hero or the sidekick?"

"The hero."

"Good. Remember that this time." Batman looked at the Commissioner. "The sidekick temp agency isn't what it used to be."

"When's Robin due back?" the Commissioner asked.

"Soon, I hope. He had a lot of vacation time stockpiled."

"One more thing, Batman." Commissioner Gordon picked up a photo and handed it to Batman. "That's StrapOn. A villain new to Gotham City. We have reason to believe he helped in The Stroker's escape from Gotham City Jail last week."

"The Stroker," Batman repeated. "Of course! That would explain the masturbation. Dildo, quickly, back to the Batmobile! Boobsicle Girl may be in danger!"

"I don't see what the problem is if women shun men," Dildo muttered. "Just means more men for the rest of us."

"Dildo, shut up and come on."

The Dynamic Duo raced back to the Batmobile and took off through the streets of Gotham City to the apartment complex where Boobsicle Girl lived. An all-too-familiar purple and green roadster was parked in front of Boobsicle Girl's building. "The Stroker's already here," Batman said. "We must use our heads, Dildo."

"I wouldn't mind using your head," Dildo replied.

"The ones at the top of our necks!" Batman snapped. "Focus, Boytoy Wonder! Boobsicle Girl has been a great ally in the ongoing fight against crime in Gotham City." And in Batman's own ongoing fight against horniness. "We can't afford to lose her to those criminals!"

"All right, all right." Dildo climbed out of the Batmobile. "So what do we do?"

"Kick down the door, take down the criminals, and save Boobsicle Girl, of course."

"Uh huh." Dildo considered it. "You deal with Boobsicle Girl. I'll take care of the criminals."

The heroes ran to Boobsicle Girl's apartment door. Batman knocked, but received no answer. "Stand back, Boytoy Wonder," he ordered. "I'll have to break it down."

Kapow! He slammed his shoulder against the door. Fortunately, in this part of the city construction was flimsy. It only took a few hard thrusts of Batman's shoulder before the door burst open.

The Stroker stood on the other side with four armed thugs. "Welcome, Caped Crusader," he hissed. "We've been expecting you. You're too late to save Boobsicle Girl, but we have special plans for you. Boys, take them to the bedroom!"

Two thugs grabbed each of the heros and dragged them toward the bedroom. Dildo struggled. "Batman, aren't we going to fight them?"

"Not yet, Boytoy Wonder. We want to see what's happened to Boobsicle Girl."

The bedroom door was open, but a curtain hid the bed. An ugly, stooped man stood at the foot of the bed. "Batman," he said. "It's an honor to meet you. I'm StrapOn, the mastermind of this plot."

"I'm the mastermind!" The Stroker snapped from behind the Dynamic Duo. "You promised!"

"All right, all right," StrapOn said. "Don't get your panties in a bunch. Batman, take a good look at your crimefighting colleague. I doubt she'll be interested in helping you or her precious Commissioner anytime soon."

The thugs released Batman and Dildo, and one pulled back the curtain, revealing Boobsicle Girl, naked as the day she was born, with a large strap-on protruding from her pussy. "No more men," she chanted in a monotone. "Only toys. No more men. Only toys."

"You villains!" Batman exclaimed. "What have you done to her?"

"The same thing we've done to the other women of Gotham City," The Stroker said. He held up a video tape. "When the women watch this tape, they're instantly hypnotized into ignoring all men. Then they try the strap-on we include with each tape. It's treated with a special chemical that causes the women to want to continue masturbating forever!"

"You idiot!" StrapOn said. "Why are you giving it all away?"

The Stroker shrugged. "It's what I do."

"No wonder you keep getting locked up. And you wanted to be the mastermind?" StrapOn looked at Batman and gasped. "What the...?"

"What is it?" Batman demanded.

Dildo pointed to his crotch. "Holy erection, Batman! You forgot you were wearing your crotchless Batsuit."

"I did, didn't I," Batman mused. "That's good. I think I know how to break the hypnotic spell these villains have placed on Boobsicle Girl."

"You won't get close enough to her to try," StrapOn informed them. "Men, take out this trash!"

The thugs tried to grab the Dynamic Duo again, but the heroes fought back. Kersplat! One of the thugs went down in a heap against the wall. Kerclunk! Two others' skulls were smashed together. Kacock! Dildo's foot met the final thug's crotch.

That left only StrapOn and The Stroker. "Give up now, and we'll go easy on you," Batman said. He unclipped the Bat-talkie from his utility belt and tossed it to Dildo. "The red button will summon the police," he said. "They'll know where we are."

"We'll never give up!" StrapOn announced.

Dildo pressed the button. In less than a second, sirens sounded. "You may not have a choice," Batman said.

"I'm getting out of here!" The Stroker said. "I'm not going back to jail!" He ran from the room.

"I have to choose my partners better," StrapOn said. "But no matter. I can deal with both of you."

"Dildo, you take care of StrapOn." Batman looked at the naked figure on the bed. "I'm going to help Boobsicle Girl."

Dildo licked his lips suggestively. "I'd love to take care of StrapOn."

"Ugh! No!" StrapOn yelled. "Anything but that!" Even faster than The Stroker, he ran out of the apartment.

"Fucking homophobe," Dildo muttered. "Batman, what are you doing?"

With his impressive Batdick sticking out of the front of his Batsuit, Batman climbed onto the bed. "I think I know how to break the hypnosis," he said. "Quiet, Boytoy Wonder. Let me help her. Boobsicle Girl? Can you hear me?"

"No more men, only toys," Boobsicle Girl chanted, thrusting the strap-on in and out of her wet pussy.

Batman took a Batrubber out of his utility belt and unrolled it onto the Batdick. "Batman, you- you can't fuck her!" Dildo exclaimed.

"It's the only way, Boytoy Wonder."

Batman grabbed the strap-on and tried to pull it away from Boobsicle Girl. She held tightly onto it. "My toy!" she wailed.

"I have a better toy for you," Batman said.

"Better toy?" Boobsicle Girl let go of the strap-on, allowing Batman to remove it. "Where?"

"Right here."

Batman tossed the strap-on onto the floor and positioned his Batdick at Boobsicle Girl's opening. With one hard push, the entire length of the Batdick penetrated her. Her tight cunt clenched around it as Batman thrust back and forth. "I'm going to be sick," Dildo said.

"Shut up, Boytoy Wonder."

Boobsicle Girl's eyelids fluttered. "What... where am I? Batman?"

"Sorry, Boobsicle Girl." Batman grasped her hips, pulling her hard against him. "You were hypnotized by the contents of the video you received, and StrapOn and The Stroker were holding you hostage. Fucking you was the only way to break the hypnosis."

"I'm not complaining," Boobsicle Girl said coyly. "I can't believe I never knew how big you are!"

The sirens stopped below the window. A few seconds later, running footsteps heralded the arrival of Gotham's finest. "Oh, fuck, yes!" Boobsicle Girl exclaimed. "Fuck me, Batman! Ahhhh!" She screamed as an orgasm overtook her.

"Batman?" Commissioner Gordon stood at the bedroom door. "What are you doing?"

"Fucking me." Boobsicle Girl ran her hand over Batman's chest. "And doing a damn good job of it."

"She was hypnotized by The Stroker and StrapOn, just like all the other women have been." Batman thrust harder. "Boobsicle- uh- Girl had to- oh, god- be fucked to break the- ahh- spell. Yes!"

His Batcum filled the Batrubber. After several spurts, he pulled out of Boobsicle Girl. "Finished so soon?" she asked.

"I'm afraid so, Boobsicle Girl." Batman removed the Batrubber and tossed it into the trash can. "She's all yours, Commissioner. Did you capture StrapOn and the Stroker and their henchmen?"

"We rounded them up outside." Commissioner Gordon went to the bed and pulled Boobsicle Girl into his arms. "Are you all right, honey?"

"I'm fine, Gordy." Boobsicle Girl licked his neck. "Batman broke the hypnosis in a big way. I can't believe I ever thought toys could be better than cock!"

"Commissioner, have your men spread the word that the hypnosis can be broken by a good fucking," Batman said.

"Men, spread the word!" the Commissioner commanded. The police officers scurried out of the apartment to do as they were told.

"Can we go home yet?" Dildo whined. "I'm horny."

"Yes, our work here is done," Batman said.

"Thank you, Batman," Commissioner Gordon said. He stuck his finger in Boobsicle Girl's pussy. "Once again you've made the streets- and bedrooms- of Gotham safe for all."

"No problem, Commissioner. Come on, Boytoy Wonder. Back to the Batcave."

"Just a second." Boobsicle Girl got off the bed and took a business card from her bureau. Pressing her lips against Batman's, she stuck the card into his utility belt. "Call me sometime."

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