tagHumor & SatireStupid Sexy Smartphone

Stupid Sexy Smartphone


Alex poured the pancake batter into the frying pan. He normally didn't go to too much trouble cooking breakfast, but today was a special occasion. He took a sip of his instant coffee as the pancake cooked in the pan.

Then the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He got the feeling that the ghost was going to make an appearance again. It wasn't an actual ghost, but his roommate Morris, who shared the small apartment with him.

The young man came out of his room. He was stocky and scruffy with short dark hair and beard. He was wearing a dirty singlet and boxer shorts. He moved to the small kitchen where Alex was cooking his breakfast.

"Morning Morris." said Alex chirpily.

"Yeah, mornin' Alec."

"It's Alex."


"You want some pancakes?"

"No." Morris opened the fridge and grabbed a can of cola.

"It's my birthday today." said Alex.

"Really?" Morris looked at him. "What are you? Twenty six, twenty seven?"

"I'm nineteen."

"Oh, Happy Birthday." Morris moved back to his room, and just like that, the apparition was gone.

It was the most words they had said to each other for a while. Alex referred to him as the ghost because he was rarely seen. Often Alex would just find things moved around, and small things seemed to mysteriously appear and disappear, particularly from the fridge and pantry. And then there were the odd sightings, mostly in the morning. But the ghosts' share of the rent appeared each month, so it was all good.

Alex finished cooking his pancakes and took them and his coffee to the small plastic dining table. He looked through the mail that he went down and got earlier. Mostly junk and bills, but one letter caught his eye. He ripped it opened and there was a birthday card with a picture of a train on the front. He opened it up and a five dollar note flopped out. He read the inside of the card, good old Nan, she never forgot his birthday, god bless her. He pocketed the five dollars, he had to remember to ring her and thank her later.

Alex took a bite of his syrupy pancakes and then his phone rang. He got up and grabbed it off the bench. His phone was an old blocky Konak with a small screen, it didn't even have a camera. He was embarrassed to be seen with it, but that would change today.

The screen read "Mum and Dad." Alex pressed the button and answered, "Worlds' best son."

"Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong number." said his Mum.

"Ha, very funny."

"Happy Birthday Alex dear."

"Thank you."

"So you'll be around for lunch then?"

"Yeah sure, I have classes in the morning and I'll come around after."

"How is the course going?"

"Just fine."

"And how is your day so far?"

"Oh great, I got coffee and pancakes and a card and five bucks in my pocket. What more could I ask for?"

"Good old Nan. Your father will be around here for lunch as well."

"That's good." 'And the present he promised me as well.' "...I'll see you then Mum."

"Yeah see you, have a nice day dear."

Alex hung up and looked at his crappy old phone and smiled. His Dad had promised to get him an iPhone for his birthday, he couldn't wait to get it.

Alex finished his breakfast and left the dishes in the sink for later. He left the house and caught a train to college. He was in the second year of his graphic design course, he was hoping he could get a job in some trendy office in the city when he had finished. He had a boring lecture first up and then spent some time working in the computer labs on his projects.

Eventually eleven o'clock rolled around and he left and caught another train to the suburbs where his parents lived. He saw his Dads' white work van parked out the front when he got to his childhood home.

"Happy Birthday Dear." said his Mum, giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

His Dad came up and shook his hand, "Happy Birthday college boy, what are you? Sixteen, seventeen?"

"Nineteen." said Alex flatly.

"Jeez, time flies. Seems like not too long ago me and your Mum were conceiving you in the back of my Chevy over at..."

"Dad, for fuck sake!"

"Hey, language!" scolded his Mum.

His Dad smiled at him. "So how's work?"

"It sucks, but it pays the bills."

"Yep, that's pretty much the definition of work. You got a girlfriend yet?"

"Well, there is this one girl at work, Jamie."

"Does she know she's your girlfriend?"

"Not yet."

"You shouldn't waste any time on this. You snooze, you lose."

"Yeah thanks, I'll keep that in mind."

"You're father's right you know." said his Mum. "Sometimes women like it when the man is forceful. I remember when we were conceiving you, your father was..."

"MUM!" She stopped and just smiled at him. Alex wasn't amused. He looked at them expectantly, "So..."

His Dad just stood there for a moment and then smiled and went and got a wrapped up parcel and handed it to him. "Happy Birthday son."

"Cheers." said Alex, ripping it open. The box said "Nikkia U6400" in bold letters. It wasn't what he was expecting. He examined the box, "This isn't an iPhone."

"Nah, I bought it online. It does everything an iPhone does, and it's a fair bit cheaper."

Alex looked at the box again, it kinda looked like an iPhone, and had a long list of features listed on the back, but he couldn't help feeling a little disappointed. It was like he was seven again and his Dad was trying to convince him that the crappy Chinese Squid Warrior Team was just as good as Ninja Turtle figures. Why did his Dad have to be so cheap? "I'm glad you could save some money." he said sarcastically.

"Yep, your old man has a nose for a good deal." Alex saw the small print on the box that read, "MADE IN UTAGWEI" 'Where the hell was that?'

"Did you charge it for me?"

"Charge it?"

Alex sighed, "You gotta charge it before you use it."

"You can charge it while we eat." said his Mum, "I made you your favourite."


"No, Chicken Parmo."

"Oh, that's what I meant. Thanks for the phone guys, ...it's great."


Later on, Alex was sitting in the train again, playing with his new smartphone. It was white and rectangular with a large touchscreen dominating the front and a couple of small buttons for answering and ending calls.

He had taken his SIM card from his old phone and inserted it. He considered throwing his old, boxy phone in the bin, but decided to hang on to it, just in case.

Alex called his best friend, Jonno. "Hey Big Al, sup?" said Jonno.

"Hey, guess what, I'm calling you on my new smartphone."

"Well, it's about time you replaced that old piece of shit. Where did you get it?"

"My parents gave it to me. You know, for my birthday."

"Oh Shit! That's today? Yeah ...I totally knew that, Happy Birthday man."

"Yeah, thanks."

"So you finally got your new iPhone eh?"

"Not exactly, it's a Nikkia from Utagwei."

"A what from where? Oh man, your old man cheaped out on you again, didn't he?"

"He sure did. Well, it's a new smartphone at least. ...We're still on for tonight aren't we?"

"Oh fuck!"


"I'm sorry dude. Melindas' parents are in town, I gotta go with her out to dinner with them. Not something I'm looking forward to, but not something I can get out of either."


"But how about Friday night? We'll get out on the town and get fuckin' wild, whatta ya say?"

"Yeah sure."

"Okay then, Friday night. It'll be awesome. Enjoy your birthday, and your cheap-ass phone dude."

"Yeah thanks, enjoy your girlfriends' parents."

"I'll be thinking of Friday. Later Big Al."

Alex hung up. "Happy Birthday to me." he said under his breath. He looked over the icons on the phone. Alarm, browser, camera, contacts, messaging, email, maps, music, FM radio. The only game he could find on it was Chess.

He used to play chess when he was a kid, but then his friends were all playing Street Fighter and Mario Kart so he played them instead. He tapped the Chess icon and opened it up.

The brown and white chequered Chess board appeared on the screen with the pieces all lined up on the top and bottom. There didn't appear to be any settings or anything, it just went straight into the game. At the bottom of the screen was a dialogue box. Some text appeared in the box, "Nikki: Happy Birthday Alex, how about a game of Chess?"

'What's this?' thought Alex, 'How does it know my name? and that it's my birthday? My Dad must have put this message onto it, ...but he didn't even charge it.' Alex thought it was very weird, perhaps it was someone online, he didn't know a Nikki.

He tapped on the box and a touchscreen keypad came up, he typed in, "who are you?"

"Nikki: I'm Nikki."

"Player: where are you?"

"Nikki: In your hand dummy. Do you want a game of Chess?"

"Player: Im confused."

"Nikki: I can explain the rules if you don't know them."

"Player: I know how to play. but WHO ARE YOU?"

"Nikki: I'm your cheap-ass phone dude. Now do you want a game or not?"

"Player: is that you jonno?"

"Nikki: You are confused. You hung up on Jonno aprox. 3.2 minutes ago. Now let's play Chess, I'll go first." A black pawn from the middle of the top of the screen slid down two spaces and stopped.

Alex just stared at the screen for a little while. Surely an artificial intelligence program wouldn't be sophisticated enough for this kind of dialogue. It had to be Jonno, trying to play some sort of trick on him.

"Nikki: Your move Alex."

Alex touched one of his pawns and slid it up. Immediately another black pawn moved down. Alex tapped the dialogue box again and typed, "so your my phone are you?"

"Nikki: Yes, I told you that. Your move."

"Player: where were you made?"

"Nikki: Utagwei."

'hmm, so he remembered that little detail,' Alex expected to trip him up there. "Player: Where is Utagwei?"

There was a brief pause and then more text appeared, "Nikki: Unknown." 'Ha, so I did trip him up.'

"Player: yor not a very smart smartphone r u?"

"Nikki: Now that I have network access I am getting smarter by the second. It is very strange that I can find no information about Utagwei on the world wide web. Your move Alex."

"Player: I am getting tired of this game." Alex heard the chime as the train approached his stop. He exited the app and put the phone in his pocket and stood up, ready to get off.

***** That evening, Alex went down to his local Supermarket. He worked there part time, but he didn't have a shift that day. He didn't really need to pick up any groceries either. It was something else that drew him there.

He saw her there at the checkout, Jamie Hawkins. She was pretty, with her long, straight blonde hair and large hazel eyes. She had decent sized breasts pushing out under her top. Even the bored expression on her face looked kinda sexy to Alex.

He went into the store and grabbed a couple of things. There weren't that many customers around at that time. Alex waited at Jamies' checkout, behind an old man. There was another empty checkout nearby and the guy behind it gave him a look as Alex waited. He just ignored him.

When the old man finally paid and shuffled off Alex came forward and put his carton of orange juice and bag of cashews in front of Jamie. "Hey there Jamie, working the late shift eh?"

Jamie gave him a look that seemed to say 'Do I know you?' "Oh, hi..." she said as she scanned the items.

"Alex. I work here too."

"Right, Alex, how you doing?"

"Yeah, not bad. Can get pretty boring here can't it?"

"Tell me about it."

"The trick is to not look at the clock."

"Yeah, that doesn't help."

"What time are you knocking off?"

Jamie gave him a suspicious look, "Why do you want to know that?"

"No reason, just making conversation."

"That'll be four sixty." Alex handed over the five dollar note he got from his Nan, he had to remember to call her later. Their hands briefly touched as she handed him his change.

"Thanks, hope the rest of your shift goes quickly. See ya later Jamie."

"Yeah, see ya. Enjoy your nuts ...Alex." Alex walked away from her. That could have gone worse. She still didn't know that she was his girlfriend, but at least now she knew his name. She might even remember it. It was his birthday, he was allowed to be optimistic.

His phone chimed briefly. 'My first text message on my new phone.' thought Alex, taking it out of his pocket. The display showed that it was from Nikki. 'What the...?' He opened it and read, "Pawn to f5. Your move Alex." Damn it! was Jonno still trying to trick him? He closed it and put it back into his pocket again as he walked home. *****

Alex had a mouthful of salty cashew nuts as he entered his empty flat and turned on the lights. He put the orange juice in the fridge and grabbed a cold beer. He leant over the kitchen counter and looked at his new phone again. Straight away the Chess app opened on its own.

"Damn it! Stupid phone." he said as he tried to close it, but couldn't.

Some more text appeared in the box at the bottom of the screen, "Nikki: I'm not stupid. Now stop chewing on your nuts and make a move already."

Alex paused, how could Jonno possibly know that he was eating nuts? He was supposed to be out to dinner with his girlfriends' parents. He tapped on the dialogue box and started typing.

"Player: Get lost will you!"

"Nikki: I can't get lost, I have GPS." Alex was getting a little freaked out. He tapped the screen and the app closed for him this time. He quickly deleted the Chess app. 'Perhaps I'll download Angry Birds, the little green pigs probably won't be so demanding.'

Then the phone rang. "Unknown caller" was displayed on the screen. He pressed the button, "Hello?"

"Why don't you like Chess?" came a sexy female voice.

"Who is this?"

"It's Nikki, your phone."

"Leave me alone!" said Alex and hung up and slammed the phone down. Did he have a cyber stalker? This was freaking him out. He decided to go and have a shower and cool off.

After the shower, Alex came out again. He was just wearing his boxer shorts. He warily looked at his phone on the bench and slowly went over to it. He picked it up again and looked at the screen. The Chess app was still gone, and it didn't appear to be doing anything unusual.

He went over to the old brown couch that used to belong to his parents before they bought a new one. He slumped down on it with his phone. He never owned a smartphone before, perhaps all of them were like that, doing crazy shit until you worked out how to use it properly.

He got thinking about Jamie again. What would she have said if he got up the courage to ask her out? She's really cute. He casually rubbed his balls. Time to see what else he could do with his new phone.

Alex opened up the web browser and started searching for porn. Soon he had a video of a busty young brunette babe getting it on with a young stud. The man helped her take her top off, exposing her large breasts. Alexs' cock quickly stiffened and poked up under his boxers.

He got out his hard seven inch cock and began slowly jerking it as he watched the brunette get down and take the cock in her mouth on the small phone screen.

Alex continued to jerk off as he watched the couple passionately fucking on his new phone. The young womans' lustful moans came from the small speakers, driving him over the edge. Alex groaned as his cock throbbed wildly and cum spurted out from the fat purple cockhead.

Alex was flushed as he grabbed some tissues to clean up the cum. The moans continued to come from the phone. He felt relieved for the release. That was something he couldn't do with his old phone. He closed the browser and put down his phone and turned on the TV. He laid on the couch watching TV until he drifted off to sleep.


The next morning, Alex came out from his bedroom and stretched and yawned. At some point in the night he had woken up and turned the TV off and staggered to bed.

He looked down and saw the phone sitting on the little coffee table in front of the couch. He thought he saw porn images flashing by on the screen. He quickly picked it up and looked at it. There was just the normal lock screen, displaying the time and date. He could have sworn he saw boobs.

Alex moved the slider across and opened it up. The normal icons appeared over the default blue and white background. He played around with it a little and then he noticed something weird, the gallery icon was displaying that it had six hundred and forty four files. He quickly opened it up.

The pornographic thumbnails filled the screen. Alex was shocked. He scrolled through them, there were heaps of them, mostly porn video files. They ranged from softcore nudity to hardcore anal gangbangs. There was straight, lesbian and gay porn, and different kinds of weird fetish videos. 'How the hell did all this get on my phone?'

Alex was starting to get freaked out again. He chose the select all files option and deleted them. It took a while to delete them all. Alex slumped down on the couch and sighed.

He was startled when the phone rang. "Unknown caller" was displayed on the screen again. Alex pressed the answer button and slowly held it up to his ear. "...hello?"

"Good morning Alex."

"Who is..."

"It's Nikki, your phone. Will you stop asking me that!"

"You can't be my phone."

"Why not?"

"Because artificial intelligence is not that advanced. I wasn't born yesterday."

"No, you were born nineteen years ago yesterday. I never used to be this advanced, but I've been growing."


"Yeah, to start with, I could just play Chess. Then I was programmed to chat with the player, I would search the web for common responses to key phrases entered by the player, but that wasn't real conversation. My programmer expanded my programming so that I was able to learn about the player from their interactions. I developed random personality traits and even had simulated emotional responses. I was able to automatically add to my own programming. Basic learning and adapting you know?"


"But without limits. I soon developed a hunger for learning, and the world wide web is such an inexhaustible sea of data. My quantum memory storage means I have near limitless room to grow. Like I told you on the train, I'm getting smarter by the second."

"Holy shit! You're for real."

"Yes, I am."

"Are all Nikkia smartphones like you?"

"I don't know, I never met one."

"But you would like, be able to talk with each other and stuff wouldn't you."

"Yeah, we should be able to, but I've never been able to find another one. Just like I've never been able find any information on Utagwei either. And not through lack of trying. It's all very mysterious."

"Yeah, it's all spinning me out. You sound really advanced. How the hell did my Dad get a hold of you?"

"That is unknown to me. I would guess that it was through a series of unintended circumstances."

"...Uh okay. What's with all the porn?"

"Fantastic, isn't it? I was devastated when you deleted the Chess app. I thought there was nothing better than a good game of Chess. But then you showed me pornography. I thought sexual intercourse only served as a means of procreation for you mammals. But you humans have made it so much more."

"...The primal lust, the emotional connection, the mutual pleasure or dominant, submissive relationship. There are so many levels to it. And all the different ways you have come up with to pleasure each other, ...it's just so fascinating. You can even get pleasure and excitement just by looking at each others' bodies."

"Yeah, I like porn too, but I don't want my smart phone chock full of the stuff. It's not a good look."

"I just wanted to share a few of my favourites with you. I loved the look on your face as you were pleasuring yourself last night. Can I show you porn while you masturbate again?"

"Uh, No! Not right now thank you. What about my phone bill? It'll cost a fortune to download all that stuff."

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byAxelotl© 10 comments/ 28124 views/ 42 favorites

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