All Comments on 'Of A Lower Star'

by wakingDown

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7 Comments

Angeline almost 9 years ago

This is really good writing.

The suggestion that begins with the title is fulfilled by the poem, so right off it's a great start. And then you get hit with "Lonely and singing", which is a powerful image. The only thing that doesn't quite work for me is "tendrils reaching into the firmament" because otherwise the setting feels like open space and suddenly we've closed all the distance and are reaching into earth. Maybe it's just my read. I might say something like "tendrils reaching toward a firmament" to keep the logic of a star that is a distant speck, yet continues to reach out.

The layout is excellent imo. You could probably make it even tighter if you wrote it in blank verse. Just a thought. But hey it's really, really good. I'm recommending it. :)

todski28 almost 9 years ago

thanks

To Angelina I had a moment to look at this

I really enjoyed the piece but think the syntax in line two would be better re-arranged

And agree with Angeline ' comment also.

Well captured emotion and relate able thoughts in the human condition.

greenmountaineer almost 9 years ago

Melancholic without being melodramatic, Walking. You conveyed an image of darkness, something just shy of desperation for me. It felt a bit like a pilgrimage. If so, I wouldn't have used "emptiness." Even though that may be true, a pilgrim still is looking for something that's not empty.

A little heavy on the "ing" for me early on, but that's a quibble, more a matter of my preference and mentioned only to provoke some thought on your part.

Didn't you mean "his" in the second to last line instead of "their?" I don't see anything plural in the poem as an antecedent.

I don't read everyone when I visit New Poems. I do you.

Ashesh9 almost 9 years ago

Sorry to respond late , Wakin' : am in far off

Sydney where WiFi is scarce ......5-ed !!

legerdemer almost 9 years ago

Melancholy

Beautiful lines twining and twinning with each other. ( sorry, I couldn't resist) It feels like you've cut off gravity, and I'm spinning slowly and out of control into nowhere and everywhere. The last couplet is a wonderful closing.