All Comments on 'Blue Topaz Eyes'

...thank u for wasting my time!!

Loved the story was sweet

Please post this kind of story in NON EROTIC.

But what a great story !!!!

Great story, loved it. What's wrong with a happy ending? Haters gonna hate but can they write a better story?

It read a little like a detective story with short and direct descriptions but it was compelling to read in order to get behind the subtleties of the veiled storyline. Not sure if she was so focused on her job why she ended up completing the pregnancy. To save his job? Doesn't make sense. They split because of her commitment, not his.

BYW: do yourself a favor and turn off anondiot commenting, they will post shit just because they can. Not everyone will like your story but few with user names post inane crap.

From some of the other contributions that make their way to this category...

Told...good story. Thanks for sharing.

For a first story ,you hit a grand slam. Welcome to lit and a good ending to two agents going on with there careers leaving love aside but finding each other through tragedy. A happy ending . A mother returns to accept her.

I

I liked it! 5*

A wonderful story for your first effort. Please, keep writing and submitting. You have a true gift....

You could have told this story with eighteen pages, yet you managed to pack SO much action and detail within only two pages. Although this is your first submission to this site, I suspect that you've written before.

I thank you for your contribution, and hope that there is more to come.

This story drew me in from the first paragraph until the last sentence. It was very entertaining and delightful. I had to keep reading. Like all good stories, I didn't want it to end. Hope to read more of your stories. I think this is more of a 'romance' than a 'loving wife'.

Thank you for the story and keep it up.

I really enjoyed this Todd172 , really great initial offering. I hope you grace us with more posts in the future.

Excellent read. Accomplished more in two pages then many ten page stories I've read.

It was a GOOD LW story, just not an Official Wife

Thank You, EXCELLENT 1st Effort

Hanz

It was a really amazing read. And you're brilliant.

Perfect category

One of the better stories I've read in a while. While a little confusing at first, I got deeply into it, and by the end, loved every word. Without a doubt, worth 5 stars

"The very next Sunday, she came by, after calling. And every Saturday after." - Earlier he said she was welcome to visit on Sundays, and later "she showed up every Sunday". So obviously "every Saturday" is a typo?

I can SOMEWHAT understand the initial break-up, though not so much if she knew about the pregnancy, but definitely as soon as she knew about the pregnancy she should have told him and let him decide about his career.

I took the Saturday/Sunday to mean she called on Saturday to visit on Sunday. It's worded a bit odd though.

Enjoyed the story but would have liked some fleshing out of the action parts and the erotic parts but the story is very good as is. Thanks

but difinitely the wrong category. The two factions of the LW anonidiot crowd will keep the rating down, because there is no bitch to burn and no one dives headfirst into an alduterous creampie.

Well 5*! Keep up the good writing

I love the lack of superfluous detail that allows your writing to cut right to the core nature of your characters. I enjoy a well painted scene, but your style is a breath(less) of fresh air. Thank you ***** I hope you chose to share more of your gift on literotica.

A tremendous love story as only can be told in this day and age we live in. I gotta say, it's a hell of a way to meet your future love. Five Stars

I hate it when authors take 7 pages to tell a 3 page story. Here we have a case of taking 2 pages to tell a 3 page story. It was lean and to the point. I really liked it but could have tolerated a few more paragraphs telling of how they fell in love on their initial assignment together. I do have questions about what she was doing during and after her pregnancy and why she didn't give him the option of being together. People do make mistakes and this was one, but somehow she lucked out and "they lived happily ever after". 5*

I enjoyed it. I do have to agree that her single-minded focus on her career wouldn't leave anymore room for a child than it would a husband, so that part was something of a necessary plot hole, but a large one. I hope you keep at it. Thanks for the read.

Cog

I liked this story a lot and wished it was longer but its should of been in a different category. I would give it more than 5 stars if I could and look forward to reading more of your stories.

AnonWes

And it's your first story? Wow!

I think we need more stories from you, please!

Wow, excellent. Thank you. Not sure why it is in the category it is, but I am thrilled it is (since I found it).

Keep writing! Please let us know if you publish something.

Thank you!

Really great story. I loved the whole thing. I think though it belonged in the romance section vs loving wives.

It wasn't HER career that she was worried about. You're right, once she had a child having a husband wouldn't have much, if any, more impact on her career.

She was worried about the impact on HIS career, but as I said in my comment, she should have told him and let him decide if he wanted to sacrifice his career for his family or not.

How could she keep that to herself and how did she keep going in field after having child?

The writing was jumbled.

And a broken heart.

That's a paragraph? It isn't even a sentence. Good storytelling. Need to work on that writing.

I agree with most of the other comments. Organization, structure, and clarity need to improve. The rapid changes, though they show style, are hard to follow and distracting.

Overall, I liked your imagination. It was interesting and made me want to read ( and re-read to figure out what was happening). For a first effort it was very good! Please continue! I look forward to reading more!

Had me interested all the way and really liked your style especially the combat scene in the beginning.

Emma is not sympathetic, however, due to depriving the father of his daughter.

The emotional fallout from that should have been heavier.

Really enjoyed the short trip and stylish writing.

I liked the idea behind the story and think it was well written and truly understand how difficult it can be to get a story published here on this site and category. That said...Call me dense (lots of people do) but I had trouble following the story in that it made leaps that I didn't understand what was going on or who was who. All in all I liked it very much but did often have trouble stringing things together. Congrqats at getting your first story published. Write on!

I was going to write WOW but someone beat me to it. An excellent story. Bit sneaky at the start when you tried to mislead us. I personally wouldn't do that. Heehee.

Who gives a rats what category it is in. My reading of LE is that stories score better in categories other than LW, but get less readers. I would also echo what someone else said. You will get way less cowardly comments by turning off anon input.

Very well done.

Thank you. Reeled me in and kept me there. Keep up the good work. SF VET

....surprising twist. I don't see the cheating to make it loving wives though

Outstanding plot and wonderful characters. A great story with my Saturday Morning Coffee. Many thanks from a new fan

Thanks for feedback.  I really appreciate it because it's the only way I'll  learn.  I stretched a bit, putting this story the LW catagory, but it a was deliberate.  The feedback  here is harsher than other catagories, and I decided to jump into the deep end of the pool for the first story.  Best to face sticker shock head on.  The feedback is important:  if you don't like Emma for what she's  done, that's fine.  She loves you anyway.  But if you don't understand why she did it, I failed you.  And that's not fine.

I've gotten a number of queries in private about the style.  It's the result of reading way too many 4 page pulp stories from the 30s and 40s.  To me, I hear it in my head in Bogart's voice.  The line breaks are sips of bourbon. I won't always write in this style, it's intensely scene based and story arcs can be lost easily.  But it's my favorite style because of the impact.

I will post other stories - I have several written; been doing the "find an editor" dance.  A second set of eyes is important. But failing that, I will damn the torpedoes and put them up. I wasn't planning on a sequel to this one, but Emma is scratching at the back of my skull now, wanting to tell her side. So I'll be framing up Blue Glacier Eyes in the near future.

Thanks again for the feedback.

of NCIS where Tony Dinozzo learns he's the father of a young daughter. The mother is ex-Mossad and ex-NCIS agent Ziva David. The parallels are that both parents were government operatives, they worked different cases which could result in extreme violence, and they were deeply in love with each other. I liked that episode and I liked this story as well. We have Emma with daughter Ellie and the unsuspecting dad Sergeant (I didn't see a name for him). This author has a good writing style. It isn't perfect, but its far better than many. I encourage Todd172 to continue writing.

I admit the vast majority of LW stories involve wives loving other people than their husbands, but the occasional "true loving wife" tale does make it in here, and you have just added another excellent story to that count.

I really liked the twist at the start, and the decision to NOT cover the subsequent undercover job in detail was unexpected but added versimillitude ... most actual 'operators' I have met don't want to boast about their work in specifics, especially when everything goes right. They (and I) are far more likely to talk about when things went horribly and/or comically wrong.

I didn't like the " conspiracy of silence" that she had a child and kept it from him, but that was me reading it as her being the ambitious one even though later she acted as if he was the one chasing the brass ring. Probably was flying through the story too fast and missed the flags.

Thanks for sharing this with us, and I look forward to your future stories. Aloha!

BeerMaker, who can't remember his logon info right now

Reader, not a writer yet

Nice start. Good rationale!

Thanks!

5*

It was well paced and your story telling made me love the characters. You didn't get bogged down in details. And it grabbed me with the opening.

Than a Loving Wives story.

But a good read none the less.

Thanks for the fun read and please keep writing.

Terse writing, but for people fighting "the other war" it fits to a "T." There are talkers, talkers-and-doers, and doers. The pure "doers" are usually to-the-point.

While there's nothing wrong with exciting, explicit details, not everything needs a novel. Some writers -- like you -- get their points across very well with fewer words. And when you couple it with "no nonsense" characters as in this story, it all works great.

Hoping you have more stories to tell, in this genre (could have been Romance, but LW worked) or another.

I would describe your writing style as less is more . . . and as just right for my taste. I look forward to reading more from you. Thank you so much for sharing your talent.

him out of five years with his daughter and that puts it in the loving wife category.

It was stated that after she had Ellie she only was a regular agent without any undercover work.So all bases covered. Really a great read! Thanks,

A great story, thank you. When our protagonist is called to the hospital there are three or four paragraphs where I have a hard time following who we're talking to or about. A few lines went into describing Ellie before I figured out it wasn't Ella we were talking about. Likewise her girlfriends, wasn't sure how they appeared.

One editing mistake--which day was Evelyn's? You start out Sunday, then it changes to every Saturday, then back to Sunday. Since Ellie spent a few hours of Saturday with her mother, I would assume Sunday was the day you meant. I look forward to your next story. Thanks.

The first part of the story is pretty standard fair, a 3 or 4 at best, but the introduction of the child is written spectacularly, very evocatively, and is 5* writing. Dont know who you are or where you came from, your bio is a bit tongue in cheek, but man is that last part of the story good!

What a splashy first story, in probably the most contentious section of Lit! Well done and looking forward to getting to know all those people in your head.

PS-do you write as Dreamclooud as well?

i dont understad how mn can take it in strife being robed of there children the woman stole his child becouze she whanted a career not to protect his me persenoly would never have forgiven her for robbing the 5 first years of my childs live

patillie   - Thanks for the compliment.  Overall the feedback here has been incredibly  kind.  I'll do what I can to deserve it in the future. 

As to DreamCloud,  i wish. I'm happy to even be allowed on the same site with him, he's far better than I.  I do have a frustrated italian princess sitting glumly on the sidelines who would like to have a word with him.  Wrote her about six months before he posted The Marriage - his was a better storyline and far better written than mine, but with a lot of the same themes and problems.  I still want to salvage her so she's partially rewritten.  Her hair is already changed from red to blonde, and I'm not sure how happy she is about that...

Good story, excellent characters, good pace. Some areas tended to be confusing but this did not detract from the overall story. Get a good editor to help.

Good job, I'm looking forward to enjoying more of your work.

Well written, but you seemed to overuse the element of telling the reader what was happening after the fact, and it made this a bit confusing at times. I found myself thinking . . . Who the hell is Cathy and Monica? Oh, they are friends from Emma's past. Why the hell is he kneeling down while talking to the deputy director? Oh, that's a little girl he's talking to. Is Frankie a rabbit? Oh, he's a pug. Is he raping her? Oh, it's a training exercise. The first time was an excellent way to start the story, but use that device sparingly.

That's some mighty fine entertainment, Todd172 🎭.

You have quite a few comments already. I'll only add one.

How soon before you post another story,lol??

AMerryman

Overall I enjoyed this story. While there were a few mechanical issues, like time jumps with nothing to off set them, the story flowed nicely and wasn't difficult to follow. Keep up the good work.

A very good story...between a lot of bad stories posted lately...this one is like fresh air!! Good writing, well defined characters, and to the point...4*

Excellent romance story, compact and nicely moving. Great writing. 5 stars

An inattention to your own details mistake was when you had him place Ellie on Emma's RIGHT side, since that's the side that was all torn up from the car bombing.

For my money, Emma is a boneheaded woman who cost herself and him six years of their lives that could and should have been spent together.

If his mother-in-law was that beautiful ... and, as you pointed out, unfucked by her husband, why didn't the sergeant take her to bed and make her a full fledged family member while she was visiting her grand daughter and Emma? After all, Emma had certainly been getting her pussy plugged by someone other than him during those last six years so there was no reason to feel guilty about fucking and cumming in her mother's tight pussy. She could still not have reached menopause, gotten pregnant and produced another pair of Topaz Eyes.... maybe MALE... to fuck all the women.

And the loss would have been mine.

This is your debut? Damn!!!

Fast paced, had me from the start.

Your characters were consistent throughout the story, which is why I was able to accept the man's controlled reaction to finding out he has a daughter.

There were a few technical errors, but others have covered those.

You are definitely someone to look out for.

Thank you for writing.

... Even though this story was a little lacking on certain details, it was a truly "brilliant" first effort.

Its where you end up that counts, and they all lived happily ever after. Well, except for the rich asshole father. Who cares what happened to him?

"Well, except for the rich asshole father. Who cares what happened to him?" - Given your apparent anger you must think that the "rich asshole father" is Ellie's father.

Our hero is her father, the rich asshole is EMMA'S father, and you're right, who cares what happened to him?!

Just a wonderful story. Thank you for posting this.

Three things and then:

1. I'm a long winded overly wordy kind of guy who likes the back story as much as the overall theme and plot, but I didn't miss anything here. Loved it!

2. Nowadays there seems to be a fascination with highly skilled over trained men and women of steel who spend their lives in covert operations. Me, I'm meat and potatoes; guy works at a warehouse, wife's a Walmart type. Just the same this was fascinating.

3. Most LW readers are looking for the infidelity/adultery theme with the usual rising suspicion, discovery, denial, heartache, and eventual resolution. I'm really sick of it; this was an LW. They are what we want them to be.

And then you mentioned Bogart in a comment. Funny about that; for me it did evolve into his voice, and Lauren Bacall slipped right into Emma's role. No not good job here, a great job!

"We had it all, just like Bogie and Bacall..."

Five is all we can give.

Jedd Clampett+

In terms of writing - probably a little too concise and abrupt with the transitions, but not really a problem. In terms of plot - wow. Tremendous character development in only two pages. The scene when he first met his daughter was very moving but so subtle I had to read it three times to understand who the rainbow skirt was and how she fit in. Five stars because they don't have six.

In fact, an inside the park home run: Unusual and very exciting.

5 stars.

Nuf said. Can't add to what I assume are 70+ very positive comments. Now I get the pleasure of reading Emma's tale. Thank you for submitting a real gem in the sewage treatment plant that LW has become lately.

I'm not too sure what else I can say.

Anyone made it through the first stupid page.

YGBSM

1

PS you forgot about them making it so realistic the chick is allowed to shoot her attacker.

but as a color it does make for attractive eyes. TK U MLJ LV NV

So glad you decided to stop by and start writing here. You have a real talent!

your clean, spare style is most excellent, it makes re-reads even more rewarding. thanks!

But I would have enjoyed a

few more chapters with these

two characters. Well done.

This is quality story albeit with some stretches of vagueries. I thank the author for sharing.

I see my next "fix" is already here with Ch. 02. Very well done...top notch story...really like the way you write...and especially WHAT you write!

very VERY well done

I disagree with those wanting more.

This was an excellent stand alone.

We don't need to know what happened in Turkey, the very well written just enough background of hers let us know exactly what her mindset and ambition was.

As a father, I absolutely hated that he missed the child's first 5 years. This "takes a village" bullshit, is just that.. it doesn't take a fucking village, it takes a father!

and mother (unless of course there are legitimate reasons) but ambition is NOT a good excuse for such a selfish and deplorable negligence of telling the father and allowing him to be a father.

just enough.

re the Saturday v Sunday kerfuffle. Grandma was told, if she wanted to visit she had to call first, so she called every Saturday in order to be able to come over on Sunday. lol

It introduces characters, establishes a storyline, and brings into existence a new universe with many tales to follow.

Enjoy. Just look at the stories submitted by the author and take your cue from the date submitted.

I started this journey near the end and was so intrigued that I am moving to the beginning. I am looking forward to some delightful reading

I started reading this after I read the Harpy and then as the author suggested in his bio to start with this of all his stories linked together, so here I go.. 5

A new star has arisen in the Literotica universe. I will wallow in these stories for some time to come.

A little too fairy tale-ish ending. I've been reading the Shack stories. So far this one has disappointed me most. Especially the part where even Cathy and Monica get their house on the property.

It made a lot of sense for the group to stay together. After all the disfunction having people close that you love is obvious.

Good story, my second of your, out of sequence, of course.

I love the premise, love your storyline, the plot is a stretch but it's actually believable.

Thank you for bringing love into the relationship and I'm glad they finally got together. Ellie is a surprise, but love is what is going to heal Emma. It seems it also brought Evelyn into their lives, but in her own way.

Love is a good thing. Thank you!

You’re good. Love your work. Almost feels like I’m cheating reading this on a free site. Thanks and keep them coming.

I can’t even read this trash. You’re talking all billy bad ass. I would have ripped your heart out through your mouth, shoved a knife up through your scull, put two shots in your chest and one in your forehead after castrating you and stuffed you’re mouth. You write stuff of what you are clueless of.

i LOVE YOUR WRITING, PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T STOP

I read this story and found it captivating. I liked the style and the personnel! I plan to read on and enjoy!

An aside, first, if I may. Please “davyup”, go back to your X-BOX games and stay off the grown-up websites. As for the story: I thought it was outstanding. I wish there was more of it. I certainly will be reading Emma’s story, but I just felt like this part of the story ended sooner than I would have liked. Maybe I’m just greedy. Oh, one more thing. I think this story would have fit very well in the ‘Romance’ section too. Because that’s kinda what it felt like to me, a great romance with a little tragedy thrown in. Regardless, great story.

I really enjoy your work!

She steals his daughters entire childhood from him, and steal five years of her daughters life - and no one cares?

The story made it clear he wanted marriage and out and SHE wanted to continue her career, so why in the end is it billed as her protecting his career?

If she couldn't afford the danger of meeting him, an agent trained to deal with danger, every now and again, how the fuck did she manage to be a full time mother to a child while working undercover?

Time to re-read the shack series.

She has a lesbian relationship, wants her career, so fucks some guy to get the trifecta, a kid. Her career goes sideways, her parents want control of the kid, so she gets the poor guy to save her situation. All i can say is it makes me want to puke.

I'm sure I'm not the first to point this out but when we're first told that Emma has lost part of her leg etc it's her right leg and hand. But when they go into her room it's the left.

Love The Story As Told. This could be a series like the shack.

At least the fourth time reading this.

Apparently reading comprehension isn't high on some annony's list of skills.

One should read Blue Topaz Eyes Ch. 02 for full story.