All Comments on 'dating'

by WillowedCabin

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4 Comments

simply__me almost 13 years ago

true

uncommon language lends a unique flair to this piece. Personally, I'm no judge of 'proper' and 'good'. I know what I damn well like, and this made me smile while reading it due to how I could frame it to my experiences,

and of course,

the unique voice.

I posted another comment but it did not show, so I hope this one does. Both will be similar.

twelveoone almost 13 years ago

who am I

to disagree? but I suggest a little tightening, what supports?, what is the object? A5 for language.

ishtat almost 13 years ago

This appears to be packed with ideas but bluntly I think it's all over the place, There's no overall coherence, and if incoherence is the objective that doesn't come through either. You have obvious talent with language but some editing artisanship is sorely needed.

lorencino almost 13 years ago

I think that the sense of “being all over the place” works very well in this poem as it reflects what can easily be the circumstances of a first date. The uncertain and insecure atmosphere is evoked by the random listing as though someone is saying whatever comes into their head while being clueless about the other's response to their talk.

I think this poem hangs together very well even as it depicts a situation which isn't hanging together very well.