All Comments on 'I need you'

Your poems are giving me contact hangovers. Another clever one in the vein (almost said throbbing vein) of Rip it Off. What's good about it: the word play begs a second read, the unexpected ending. What needs work: over the top lines (you will satisfy my need/my craving desire for release; A smile of knowing on my face). Consider changing I strip you, pop you out of your clothes to something like I arch you back so you pop out of your shirt (? maybe?). Panadol will be known to UK. Aussies and most of Asia - but I don't think it is sold here in 'Merika. You may not care of course, but then again there are plenty of big drinkers here who can relate.

requires different ana-buse for varied addictions, TK U MLJ LV NV

about others thoughts and opinions wether good or ill, as it helps reconstruct us as writers, reconfirms what we are doing right by our readers and helps progression to write better.

I have been caught a few times in the trap of assuming that people know what I am talking about because I do, so that is something I need to work on.

I think you're experimenting with your writing, which is good. It's good to be bold and try things, understanding sometimes you learn by seeing what doesn't work. You have an elaborate lead up to what sounds like sex, but is really you consuming some kind of hangover medicine. That sort of thing can work (as humor), but your overstatement is a bit much and some doesn't really make sense.

For example, the equivalent of opening a box or bottle or even of taking pills from a packet is not taking off clothes. You could say it's like it (a simile) but it isn't exactly the same. For the metaphor to really work, you need to make sure your comparisons have some logical connection. It would have been equally funny/erotic to say "I opened you..." "I shook you up..." or even something like "you lay naked in my hands...," all of which imply sex, but can still logically mean, "I took medicine." See? You have to think not only about the metaphor but do the words you choose fit the context. Be as precise in your wording as possible.

Also as Des pointed out you don't want to keep repeating this kind of surprise poem. Branching out is good.

Hope you don't mind the honest feedback. I think you're doing a lot of good things and you learn fast. And of course this is all just my opinion. :-)

I am just enjoying writing at the moment. I thought that this is the last type of poem like this I will post. I will probably still kick around the concept as it amuses me obviously.

the only way to get better at something you enjoy is to practice. At the moment though I am still new to all of this I have grown simply by being able to interact with those that are better than I am at this poetry stuff. Also having access to read all types of poetry here is helpful to better grasp it.

The fact that you all take the time to encourage, advise and share your knowledge of your own free will is amazing, and appreciated! I can take any form of criticism wether good or ill.

and serious lack of attention, i.e. what is the purpose of

Naked, I grab it

Get up and search for you

here is a quick edit on my part

you gad

Head throbbing,

Swollen pounding

Demanding attention

I need you, just need release

You will satisfy my need

My craven desire for release

P A N A D O L

Gotta stop drinking

That way

work on the timing

note two "release" - good, be good if had another two of, rhyme? something a little stronger than throbbing, pounding (but keep) as a supplement

didn't vote