- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Lullaby
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The ocean's roar competing with the fan...
Incessant noise that's not quite smooth enough
To make me fall asleep or just to ban
My memories the way a drizzle can
Although the travelling was really tough -
In closed, untidy ranks they dance on by,
The dirty children, lean and ragged men,
The slender women, elegant and shy,
Their cheap, bright sarees welcoming the eye,
Phantasmagorically whirl past again
Until the apparitions slowly blend:
The magistrate intones a beggar's cry,
The row of dagobas seems without end,
The road is undulating – round the bend
A python sends its charmer to the sky –
I cannot see exactly why the stuff
My lord the grinning python plays should tend
To get me sleepy – rolling round and rough,
Hypnotic, tough, compelling – when his gruff-
Voiced incantation makes my mind unbend...
- COMMENTS
DawnJalmost 12 years agoVery hypnotic and exotically suggestive! Better than counting sheep, even! :)
greenmountaineeralmost 12 years agoWell done! It certainly has a hypnotic quality to it in both the images and the rhythm: ocean waves; slender women whirling by in their sarees; undulating roads.
I particularly liked how the noise kept you awake on the one hand but bought you to a state of what I would describe as bliss, not quite "the empty mind" suggested in meditation because the senses are taking it all in, but an overwhelming peace of mind. Yet, the rational part keeps asking for answer as to why instead of just accepting it, giving in to it, ejoying it. At least this is what the poem meant to me, perhaps because I've been there only to have asked "Why is this happening?"
You, however, seem to have succeeded: "...makes my mind unbend...."
I think this is a wonderful poem about the human condition full of wonderful mystery.
I agree with S.O. about the punctuation.
SweetOblivionalmost 12 years agoYou kept a good structure throughout and the metre and stresses worked too. I'm assuming the "tits charmer" was a typo. You could work on the punctuation, as it might help the definition you seek come out - for instance:
Incessant Noise! That's not quite...or is it Incessant noise: that's not quite...
and
My lord the grinning python plays should ... or is that My lord, the grinning python, plays should or My lord, the grinning python plays, should...
But this is detail - good stuff overall - Sweet O.
tazz317almost 12 years agoto await the violence enroute. TK U MLJ LV NV
