by Deadman827
it is saying what you want to say. however, to achieve a more polished poem, you now need to keep a grip of those sentiments and work out a better way of saying what you want to say.
never force a line to get the rhyme. it's better to allow your poem to find its way like a river running naturally than to constrict it with ugly concrete banks.
good luck and keep writing!
If you're going to write in rhyming couplets do try to get the meter right