- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Thunderstorms in June
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Click hereIt's been a long and bumpy road
My heart feels weathered and cold
with no one here to dry my tears
through these last 6 years.
I've tried hard to let you go.
But my heart kept saying no.
That you'll come back again.
My broken heart you'll mend.
But this time is different.
We're both so spent.
Thru joys and heartaches, i love you still.
And knowing myself, i always will.
When I think of you
I'll remember our love when it was new.
a triad of trees under the moon
and of thunderstorms in June.
- COMMENTS
sir_goodheadover 7 years agothis poem was a complete and utter DISAPPOINTMENT. The end rhymes are weak, the content is shallow and I know pre-K children who write better than this. You CAN do better!!!!!
Anonymousabout 12 years agovery personal. sad.hope its not a reflection of how u feel. if so hang in there! post more stories. i love your work.
Maria2394about 12 years ago"Thru" in a poem is a sort of disrespect to your work!
Spell it out---"through". I liked your piece. You have an off rhyme with "road and cold" which works well. It is good to try new things and some people seem to be stuck in an exact end-rhyme scheme and it is so terribly boring I usually back click. I have been trying to read some of the poets i missed out on while I was absent from here and have enjoyed what I have read of yours. You could tighten this one up a little bit and get a lot more POW for your effort.
Keep writing!
~ maria
theognisabout 13 years agoI like your poem, and I'm giving it a five, but if I may, a suggested alternate version:
It's been a long and bumpy road
My heart feels weathered and cold
With no one here to dry my tears
Throughout these last six years
I've tried so hard to let you go
But my heart kept saying no
That you'd come back again
My broken heart to mend
This time though seems different
I feel we're both so spent
Through joys and heartaches, I love you still
And knowing myself, I always will
But now when I think of you
I'll remember our love when it was new
A triad of trees under the moon
And of thunderstorms in June
Anonymousabout 13 years agoI like the last line descent, the subjugated i, the sparsity of hope yet longing for a redemption from a stark 6 years of misery. So simple and effective.
Kobaabout 13 years agoI've been trying very hard to like your poem because I think that the sentiment expressed is very strong. However there are a few things that I think you should change because they are very distracting. First, 6 should be six. Low numbers should always be spelled out unless there is a poetic reason not to and in this case there isn't. Thru should be through. And there is no reason for the two i's to not be capitalized. These little things add up to take the poem down a notch. Your cadence is also off in a couple of places, e.g. the last line of the first stanza. If you work on the poem a bit more, I think it can be a good one.
