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Now he's suggesting he takes her up to his studio where all his little model soldiers are, and show her his 15mm scale model of Marshal Ney waving his baton about.
They say something to you as they get up. Sozzled and bemused, you nod your assent, as though they've asked your permission or something.
They disappear off to his studio, and you lean forward and pour yourself another glass of wine.
Poor bitch, you think, doesn't know what she's letting herself in for, as you imagine his studio crammed with little toy soldiers, and cannons and model buildings and trees and a million other nerdy things.
You wake up, look at your watch, you must have dozed off. It's two in the morning. Upstairs you can hear all kinds of giggling and banging. You shout up to them, because the noise is doing your head in. The sounds abruptly stop. Minutes later, you hear them clatter down stairs.
Your best friend appears, fixing her hair, with your boyfriend behind, fixing his jeans. She says she lost track of time and has to get home, your boyfriend says he's pretty sober and will drop her home.
You suggest she crashes out here, but she says something about feeding her cat, and then gives you a quick kiss before leaving.
You settle back to sleep on the sofa, the last thing you hear is their laughter and the front door closing.
You wake up to the fact you are both hung over and late for work. You stagger upstairs intent on freshening up and getting dressed quickly for work.
You happen to glance into your boyfriend's studio, and do a double take. On his six by four table his wargame recreation looks incongruous: green felt is dotted with trees and hundreds of tiny painted soldiers marching into the fight, but one group of little heroes doesn't look like they'll make their objective because there, barring their way to a hill labelled Pratzen Heights, is a giant bra. Your mind is fuddled but you're pretty sure it isn't yours.
You move on supposing your mind will come up with a reasonable explanation – then you get to your room –
Your boyfriend is snoring on the bed which is a mess of scrambled sheets, your sex toys are scattered everywhere, handcuffs attached to the bedposts.
Deciding to let him sleep, you dress quickly as your mind struggles to process this strange sight.
You borrow his car as yours is low on juice, and race to get work, the fog in your mind. You recall last night and feel good as you remember how well your boyfriend and your best friend got on. The future is rosy.
But, wait!
What was that bra doing in his studio?
Why were your sex toys all around his bedroom, just what did he show her in his studio last night?
And why is the gear stick in his car so sticky? What are those foot imprints on the inside of the windscreen doing there?
Just what went on last night? Could it be that your best friend and your boyfriend got on better than you'd wanted them too?
It's time you asked some questions . . .
So there you have it, girls. Men, you just can't trust them. Why, while you've been reading this, what do you think your man has been doing? Just what I thought – you don't know. Well, I'll tell you what he's been doing- having it off with some trollop – (probably). The best thing you can do, now you've read this article, is to go right up to him, slap him on the face and tell him it's over and that he is a two-timing, two faced, adulterous, bastard.
That'll teach him!
Look out for these future articles to help you with your love life:
*How to write a Dear John letter (includes templates).
*How to dump your boyfriend in a humiliating manner.
*How to get revenge on a cheating lover (a must for all aspiring bunny boilers).
*Emotional blackmail tips – turn your man into a guilt-ridden neurotic mess.
*101 put down lines – embarrass him in front of friends, family and colleagues.
- COMMENTS
Stubbyoneabout 2 months agoFunny as hell ! Love the “bunny boiler” expression. Every reader has to know the whole thing is brilliant tongue in cheek humor. Well done. An easy 5-😊😊😊😊😊’s
Anonymousalmost 7 years ago@ anonymous of 9/24/15 . Holy hell get a grip you pathetic creature. This was obviously done for laughs. This site is not cut out for you.
Anonymousover 8 years agoUm...where to begin.
Whelp, I guess this review has multiple points considering some factors stemming from the story that I'm not completely sure of. So I'll try to do my best.
First of all, in the case where you're possibly being serious: I did not like this story.
In the case where this is actually a comedy: I still don't like this story, but it's not as bad for the reasons that I don't like it if you were being serious.
Now, let's get to why. You write in the second person, in which case the reader becomes the character. Nothing wrong with that. Problem is in nearly all 7 situations you brought up (and I'm not sure if they're connected or if the boyfriend is the same guy. You give the reader's character some traits that make it fill more like the character has her own identity, rather than her being us in this situation) the main character is quite possibly one of the dumbest females I've ever seen/visualized throughout my knowledge of female characters. I feel insulted-which is actually kind of funny seeing as I'm a guy, and this is just insulting to women everywhere-after reading this.
The character we have here, isn't smart enough to guess immediately what's going on or at least say it state the facts as she see's them. But, than again, she isn't dumb enough to simply say "nah, just my imagination". No, she actually does seem to be capable of putting two and two together, and nearly each ending is her resolving to dig further. Dumb enough to not figure out her boyfriends cheating on her or smart enough to guess that he is...either one please, not both. Tossing both into the pot and stirring them together doesn't help anything, it just makes it all the more frustrating when you point them out with the little "But wait!" No, I'm sorry, either she's to dumb to figure it out the first time around or she's not. And clearly, the character we have isn't just mentally repressing the idea of a cheating boyfriend.
And I get that maybe the rush of emotions can confuse a person at first, and people can recognize the interference with these emotion so that they can take a different approach into solving the problem. But...I'm sorry...no girl (that I've ever met at least) is that stupid.
The first sign was stupid, as everyone knows you can't wash off a rash. That's not something that needs to be ponder on, it's common since.
The second sign is almost as stupid, as the man is gone for four hours into another woman's house and comes back-not only exhausted- yet smelling like said woman and her cunt after help with the fourth king size mattress into one single house which belongs to a woman who lives by herself. The part about it that makes it less stupid is that they're in a completely different house where the girlfriend can't see him. Unlike many other of these story.
The third sign...my god...this is when I knew just how stupid this is. Okay. You're sitting at a table with your boyfriend. Waitress constantly flirts with him, and he's doing nothing to refuse it himself. She goes under the table to clean something up without first asking you to stand (honestly this is the is least bit stupid of the really stupid in this sign, I'll try to stick with the really stupid of the really stupid in this sign) You here the sound of a zipper being unzipped...it sure as hell ain't yours, btw. Your boyfriend has the face of a man who's getting a blowjob-and I'm saying that because he obviously sounds like a man who getting a blowjob-just before he gets that look that say's he just came which even a regular person that knows anything about sex could figure out, much less than his girlfriend who probably see's this kind of face on a regular basis. *Inhales*-*exhales* Now, forget that the waitress wipes her mouth when she gets up. Forget the $100 tip (that stuff happens every now and then). Forget that's his ex you just saw, which means there could possibly be something lingering emotions or just straight up lust. The scene from before the after math and the "But wait!", said everything I needed to know. This...is...stupid...
The fourth sign, though it doesn't quite make it, it still tries to live up to the stupid in the last sign. Boyfriend get's caught red-handed sucking on the tits of another woman. Finally, some retribution-oh, what's that? She got bit by a snake?! Well what are you stopping for, keep going! Yes, keep spitting out that clear liquid which looks nothing like blood! Yes, keep sucking on her nipples and areole which have no puncture wounds or signs of blood either! Yes, just like you did the last five...yk, I'm sorry. The stupidity of everything that happens before the "But wait!" is more than enough to say how stupid this by itself. But if I did have to add the little tibbits after, then yeah...this is pretty fucking stupid.
The fifth sign, yeah it's stupid. While I'm sure that kind of contract can possible exist, I'm also sure that no rockband is gonna stripe without the intention of getting some ass. Also there's the fact that he was literally caught in the orgy itself, not just standing to the side, nor were there guards to sanction this meeting. Granted, I will say that your "But wait!" is a little better this time. The facts your come up with are introduce better. Such as the fact that he isn't contracted to any big record company, this delivery was a whole lot better then the others. Though, to be honest, STDs thing is nothing to be surprised about. Unless he became a rock star 'after' he dated the character, and the STDs showed up 'after' he became a rock star, there's little to no surprise about that. Should've been the other way around my friend.
The sixth sign, debatably...the least stupid of all the signs. Somebody is fucking in the theatre, big whoop. Unless you're sitting behind them and can see everything, even I wouldn't be to bothered to check things out (that itself is also debatably). IT only starts to become a little stupid when the boyfriend is coming up with all the excuses to leave and go fuck the girls. Quite frankly, I could see this happening. The "But wait!" isn't even all that stupid, as the information given is new and can help further the case. This is fine since she has minimum evidence to help prove he did cheat on her, unlike all the other signs.
The seventh sign, also debatably the least stupid...until we get near the end and before the "But wait!". So your boyfriend wants to show your girlfriend his toy collection. If we weren't the readers and haven't already guess where this was going from past experiences with other stories and tv shows, this would be simple. The part where they come down and are basically cleaning themselves off can pass off as innocent for someone who's currently drunk, though it's still pushing it on what you can get away with. The stupidity here is that in the morning you find a bra which ain't yours in his studio and you see all of your sex toys-which are explicitly used for sex-lying around...used. I get what you tried going for here, the character is hammered, and isn't going to give much of a shit about her environment. Except that being sober-even if it's painful-isn't the same as being drunk and she clearly gives enough shits about her environment to notice the differences and changes before the "But wait!". And that's another thing, the "But wait!" here is just downright lazy, whereas the other ones bring up facts that we didn't know (albeit almost all of them are useless as the character already has enough information to dump his ass immediately) this one just recaps on what we and the character already know. The only new part is the footprints in the car.
Ah, and we finally end with you telling girls everywhere to go smack the hell out of their boyfriends because of your seven signs. Look, I'm not saying a cheating boyfriend doesn't deserve to get smacked and have his ass dumped on the spot. But it pisses me off that you basically said that all your female readers were stupid enough to pulled into these near cartoon stories. In fact, considering that you basically cooked up this article to give women another reason to hate men actual does give me a legitament reason to be insulted without the irony of me being a guy but specifically because I am a guy!
Not have you said we're all untrustworthy, but even pointed out that the fact that our girlfriends don't know what we're doing at every minute of the day is enough reason to clarify that we're cheating on them. Even if it's only a 'probably', they should still head on over to bitch slap us over an assumption.
So, there you have it. I'm not angry, just disgusted. You got a little something for everyone. Judge mental and idiotic women, and overall evil men.
As we come to the end of this review, I feel even more duped. Maybe this was a comedy, maybe I shouldn't have taken it so seriously, maybe the whole review wasn't all too necessary and I should relax and laugh a little.
But I can't, because I still don't like it.
You get to decide whether or not it is for the reason I ranted or that I just don't find it funny.
