All Comments on 'A Perfect Mate'

its a good start, look forward to reading more from you.

It is a good start, but you really need to get an editor for the next one.

You do need an editor. English isn't your native language, is it?

Find an editor. I couldn't enjoy the story for trying to decipher what you meant to say.

The story was just too hard to understand, with all the errors. :(

on your first submission. I think you are off to a good start. Here is where I step in and say I would rather read a good story that needs help than read a terrible story that has no errors. So yes an editor might be nice but sometimes you have to put your story out there to find an editor. If not ask a friend. My point is don't let the grammar police scare you away. I would like to see chapter 2, so please keep writing!

Good story you just need a editor, i would love to read more.

This story was confusing to me, but that's not to say that it doesn't have potential. I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling right now.

You mention the boyfriend as an insect covered wolf then you say he's a vampire. Which is it? Also why was she lyric over being home since lyric normally denotes music not emotion? How does this woman know weres exist and doesn't just freak out when some guy claims to be a werewolf and her mate? If you're building a world different from ours you need to take the time to lay the ground work so we can appreciate your vision.

Hi everybody, I read all of your comments and it feels

very good to have your point in things.

Many of you spoke about editors, and yes

I know I'm just terrible but I don't know where to

Find editors. I've already googled it twice!

I try so hard to write but sometimes I try too

Much. Part 2 is now written and Will show up

In a few days.

Love to you all.

Ebba/ Nonhumancontrol

You really need a grammar check, at least. This was very confusing and moved way too fast. There's a decent plot here, although so far not a very unusual one, but if the story is told well, that doesn't matter. However, there are too many grammar and punctuation and spelling errors for me to want to read more.

You're got the makings of a good story. The story desperately needs to be edited. An editor and a beta reader would help. To find an editor go to your literotica user member page, scroll down to the editor section, and search from there. Good luck.

I believe someone gave you info on how to get an editor through this site, so good luck with that. Sometimes if you write back to someone who gave you particularly good advice and ask if they would help, they may say yes. The people on lit are very supportive of each other.

I figure I'll make some comments more specific about the story itself...

Like others said, you have a good beginning to the story. But, I think what you have here is more of an outline to a story. What you need to do is get deeper, beneath the surface of what you have written. (these are things a good editor will help you see)

I was left with a number of questions or hopes for more of an explanation. These are some examples in no particular order:

-With the boyfriend, I found it hard to understand because you began with him doing something nice for her, yet the story leads into his death b/c of how bad he was for her. I think it would be important to either have her recall a controlling or physically/emotionally abusive situation which you could later say Charlie saw while watching her. The way it is written, she comes across like a prissy bitch for no reason. fyi-you switched his name toward the end I believe. She describes him as a fine man in the first few paragraphs but makes him out to be an asshole later.

- How did Charlie first see her? What led him to believe she is his mate?

-She says she has always been interested in 'pack life'. Does she live in a society where people know of weres? Or has she read stories about it and always wondered if they really existed? If that is the case, explain how she had always wondered if they existed and express her surprise and probably disbelief when he admits it. Or did she know of this from her boyfriend who apparently was a were?

-Always try to give lots of descriptions about things. Provide details using as many senses as possible. For example, the dance floor was packed. She felt the heat of the many bodies surrounding her. As she backed away from one dancer she backed into the hard chest of a big man. She turned to see a muscular man who was over 6 ft. tall. He had muscles that were defined even under his clothes. He wore... He had dark hair and blue eyes...

-Then when you mention Lucas showing up and changing to his were form, describe what he looked like.

-When she hears him give the order to kill Lucas if necessary, you'd think she'd be scared of this man. I mean, a guy being controlling is one thing but that doesn't warrant him being killed.

-Does she feel some connection to this guy? Why does she let him take her with him from the club? Is she thinking she's going to hook up with him?

So, I hope these examples of how to develop the story help. Just remember that the reader wants a picture drawn in their mind of what happens in the story. It is best to have the experience it using all of the senses as you write. Keep at it. It is great that you had the courage to write a story and I hope you'll take the advice of people as it is usually meant, to help you better your next chapter/story. Sorry that my comment is probably as long as your story :) lol.

For you who liked my story, I've written two new ones!

The first one is named "A perfect mate ch.2" and the other "Talking to the moon".

I'm kinda into this wolf stuff, hehe. And now I'm in touch with an editor. She'll help me next time.

its a bit choppy but with some polishing I believe this could be a good story.

****

I like this story very much and cannot wait for the next chapter.

WELL DONE

enough said!

Youre really good apart from u need a little more explanations. Please write more!

I am just wondering if english is your second language?

i love this story plz write more:)

I do enjoy the story itself, however reading it was very difficult. There are several basic grammatical and syntax errors in your submission. These detract from the action happening in the scenes. Please work with an editor and re-post a polished copy of your work. If it takes a little more time than usual between postings, please do not fret. Readers are often forgiving of this provided that your submission is of good quality. I wish you luck! :)

I like the start but PLEASE edit before submitting or even better get an editor. It was very hard reading this at times because the major misstakes were very distracting.

unreadable the English is so bad. you need to write in English. not even an editor can help with this as it stands.

continue with your story the ideas are there!

It has started off a bit slow but if you could make part 2 a bit longer that would be awesome!

So many grammar/spelling/just plain wrong word mistakes.