Actual Sorority Sisters Pt. 04

But the more I thought of it, the more I realized that this was not the right spot to start on these issues either. It really began when I decided to go to Lily's school. She was right; of course, it didn't really fit my personality. I was more fit for a small, liberal arts school. And I had already figured earlier in the week that I'd only decided to go there because Lily had gone and talked it up. The more I thought of it, the more I realized that this was the original sin of our conflict. Lily was right about that, even if she had been absolutely wrong about everything that came after that. But what was my responsibility here?

The thought of responsibility jarred me out of my ruminations on fault and respect. Responsibility. What responsibility did I have to my relationships with my sister? What responsibilities did I have to my self-respect and to my identity as a person? I thought back to my fight with my sister. She had behaved childishly, I knew that. This was the same sort of fight we'd have as kids. But I wasn't any better. I'd pushed her buttons to start. I had come in expecting something bad and I made it happen. I was responsible. So what was I supposed to do about it? We weren't kids anymore. I certainly couldn't go to Mom and Dad and have them fix it.

About three hours after I had stormed out of Lily's room, I came to a determination. It was fine if Lily didn't want to ever speak to me again. Well actually, no it wasn't, it was the most painful thought I'd ever had. But there wasn't anything I could do with it. Lily could decide to cut me out of her life whether I wanted it or not. But if that was what she wanted to do that, we would do it on my terms. We would do this like adults and be done with it.

I quickly got up from my bed. I dried my face off with my bath towel. I looked at myself in the mirror (no need storming up there if I had snot hanging out of my nose or something). My eyes were a little puffy and my hair was a little out of place. I combed my hair slightly with my hand and then headed out. I moved up the stairwell as fast as possible. I didn't see any other people as I made my way up to the third floor.

A minute later I was standing outside my sister's door. My nerves were back now, and for a moment I wondered if I was doing the right thing. Then, I thought I heard someone walking up the stairs. I couldn't stand to have someone see me standing out here, almost in tears, only to turn around and walk away. I quickly knocked on the door. For a moment there was nothing. I knocked again.

"Who is it?" Lily's voice called out. She sounded like she'd been crying too. Good, I thought, and then wondered if it would be good for what I planned next.

"Your sister," I said in a small voice.

"Lizzie?" she asked.

"Ellie, just let me in," I said.

"Christ, I just told you to leave!" she said.

"Come on, I just have one thing to say," I responded. There was another long pause. I wondered what Lily was thinking. I was almost shaking, but I couldn't say why. I just needed the door open.

"The door is unlocked," her voice came back, very small. I opened the door slowly and walked inside. It was extremely dark in my sister's room, the lights were out and the blind was closed. The light from the hallway cast along the bed and I saw she was sitting there. She was wearing a long night shirt and a scowl. She reached over and turned on the light next to her bed and I closed the door.

"Okay...Ellie, say whatever it is you were going to say and then leave," she said. It seemed that her mood had not really changed. I took a few steps forward and took a deep breath. I crossed my hands in front of my chest, trying to become comfortable, but felt like I was trying to hide and just let my arms drop to my side. Lily looked like she was ready for me to get on with it.

"This is all I wanted to say Lily," I said, before I was really ready to talk. I took another moment, composed my thoughts, and spoke, "Look, we have been fighting with each other weeks now and I just... And I have been angry at you. But...I am going to take responsibility for what I did. I am responsible for some of this fight. I am going to be honest with you so that when...when we stop speaking, we stop speaking with all the facts. I owe it to myself to do this, because I am an adult and I am in control of my life.

"You said I just went to this school here because of you, because you went here. And you know what? You are right," I looked at Lily and she looked up, a little surprised, but I kept talking, "You came home from school when you went here and you just talked about how much you loved it and how great it was. And I wanted some of that too. You made it sound so great, and I love you so much that I thought if you love it, I would love it. But you need to understand that I came here because I wanted to love it for myself. Not just to be with you or to be like you.

"We are sisters. We are similar. The things you like, I will probably like. That's just rational. That isn't me trying to hop on your coattails or get in your way."

"And I guess I could say the same thing for the sorority. This sorority is the reason you loved this school. How could you talk about and think that I...No, I don't want to talk like that, I am not accusing. I just want to say, that the excitement you felt for this place was like...physical. I could feel it coming off of you. It was contagious. If anything, you should be proud that I wanted to join. Your passion was infectious. But it became my passion too. And when I started here, I loved it too.

"Wait, No... Let me be honest. You were right about another thing, when I first started here, I was not ready for it. You were right. I had no idea what I was getting into. I don't know if I would have stayed here all on my own. The pressure you gave me...The way you made me feel like I didn't belong... that made me want to stay. And I admit, at first that was most of it. You could have guided me or come to me like an equal and I might have listened to you. But that wasn't how it happened. And that is my fault too. But when I get treated like a child...it makes me stubborn.

"But more importantly, you need to know that once I got here and started to learn about this place and the things that happened here, I learned that I loved it here. I didn't learn TO love despite you. I didn't learn to love it to make a point. I love it. For me. You hate me for faking. But this is who I am. I can't be anything else. I am allowed to be who I am. I excel here too and you know it. If I was faking it, would I have won that contest yesterday? Would I have jumped completely into this? I found a whole new part of me here that I never knew existed. A better part of me. And I like it.

"And I don't just like the sex Lily. Though, I am an adult and I am allowed to like sex. But I love it here because of the sisterhood. And I know that sounds stupid and cliché, but it is true. I learned from the girls in this sorority about supporting each other, and loving each other unconditionally, and I learned about having fun. And I saw that sisterhood is about giving advice, and guiding, and protecting. That is it. I know you know that. I saw how you helped those other girls during the movie contest. I saw you talking to...mentoring younger girls. So I know, I know that you could be that for me. I just don't know...I don't know why you will be a sister for everyone else but not for me.

"All I ever wanted was to...share the things we loved. Sharing experiences and our lives...that is what sisterhood is. That is what it used to be for us. There is no reason to hate that. And that is really important to understand. I am not saying 'share' idly. I meant share. Things are different now. This is not like when we were kids. I am not here to tattle on you like when we were in elementary school. And you need to know that I am not here to stop you from being who you are. You aren't just my sister, you are Lily, a person. I don't care that you are a lesbian. No...wait...let me rephrase that. I am proud of you for being a lesbian. I am proud of you for being the person you are. I just want you to be proud and know I don't want to take anything from you. I don't want your sexuality or your friends. I want my own sexuality and my own friends. And if they are the same, by chance or genetics or whatever, then can't that just be okay? Isn't there enough love and happiness in our lives that we can share it?

"You came here and grew up and wanted me to recognize that you are a woman. And I did that. Now you need to do the same thing for me. It is my responsibility to stop being a spoiled, bratty little girl. But it is your responsibility to not treat me like a child. Because I am not. Maybe that is scary for you. But it is scary for me too. I need you now; I don't want to do it alone. But I will if I have to.

"I am here to be me and live my life. And to let you do the same. I just want...I just want those lives we live to be in some ways together. I want when you live your life to its fullest, for that to include me. I don't want to lose you, the real and complete you, for the future because of our past. We were sisters as children. But we are sisters now as adults, and I want us to be sisters forever.

"I love you Lily and you will always be my sister. But I can't make you love me...if you really hate me. So I just want to say goodbye if that is really what you want. And if you want me to leave this sorority I love for you, I will do that to. But you need to know why I'd be leaving and why I want to stay." I was out of breath and there were tears in my eyes as I finished talking. I knew that I was sort of all over the place and hysterical. But I had to say every word that came to mind. I wasn't going to hold anything back.

As the room settled into quiet, Lily stared at me for several seconds. She was sort of frozen, her head tilted slightly to the side. There were tears in her eyes as well. She was squinting slightly and just looking deeply into my eyes. I couldn't tell what she was thinking or what she was going to do.

Suddenly, she rose off of the bed. I recoiled slightly; I thought for a second that she was going to strike me. Then, with absolutely overwhelming force, I felt Lily's arms wrap around my body. Her breasts pressed against mine and her arms wrapped around my back. Her cheek brushed up against mine. I could feel emotion pouring from her body. I could feel...her love. My body went limp and my older sister held me up.

"Oh god Lizzie," she whispered into my ear, her voice husky with tears, "I am so sorry. I don't hate you. I've never hated you. I am so sorry I let this go so far." She paused for a minute and breathed deeply. For several seconds, she just breathed and gathered her thoughts. I was stunned and then she started speaking again, "Look, when you first started at the school I was annoyed. But when you joined the sorority I was so scared. I was scared for you, because I didn't think this place was right for you, I thought you were still a child. But I was scared for me too. I...I wasn't ready to be out yet. This place...it was going to do that. So I tried to scare you away. And when I couldn't scare you away it made me angry and resentful. I was angry at Heather for using you like a pawn in our feud. I was angry at the other girls in the sorority for not recognizing what a strange...situation this was. And I was mad at me because I could not protect you." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was too shocked to move or to think. But Lily was still talking, so I just stood there, motionless, and listened to her.

"But I let all that anger go towards you. Because I needed this sorority and I needed my friends here. So I pushed all of my hate onto you. Because we are family and I knew that I could never lose family. But as time went on, I started to really resent you. I resented you for putting me in this situation and I resented you for acting just like a child, without any thought about my life and how difficult you made it. And then, suddenly, it wasn't just a fight anymore. It was...it was me actually doing what I never thought was possible: losing you as my sister. And that made me even angrier and I couldn't stop it.

"I cannot believe I said I hate you. I know I said it. But Lizzie, baby sister, you need to know that I have hated myself for saying it every second since you left. I hated the situation, the feeling of being helpless. But I said I hated you. I didn't want you to come back in because I didn't want to say it again. I wanted to fix it. Because I am the older sister and that is my job. But I couldn't humble myself to do it. Because...I didn't want you to see how weak I am because I am...you know, the older sister. But then you walked back in here. And you talked...you talked like the adult I am supposed to be. You gave me a second chance to say I am sorry. Lizzie please forgive me. I am sorry."

I was more and more stunned as each additional word poured from her mouth. Not in a million years had I expected this. I had so totally misread the situation. Or the emotions I guess. But what is more sisterly than a misunderstanding? I couldn't help but laugh awkwardly. In my heart I knew I should still be annoyed with my sister. But hearing her say those things wiped away any logical reaction. My body overflowed with love for her.

"Lily I love you, if you can forgive me I forgive you," I said. She loosened the hug, pushing me back with her arms so that she could look into my eyes. She looked sad, like it had pained her to hear me say that.

"Lizzie...Ellie. You don't have to apologize for growing up or for being the woman that you are. I just wish I wasn't so blind, I wish I'd seen it before you came in here and laid it all out. I can only say that I was scared. Not that that makes it okay. I was insecure in myself and nervous that you would see that insecurity. And I blamed you for it" she said. Her eyes dropped briefly and her shoulders shuddered as she breathed.

"I am proud of you Lily. I would never stop you from living your life or loving the people you love. I will always support you. You are my sister." She looked back up at me smiling.

"I am should have been supporting you all along. I made this so hard on you, if someone had been pushing me back when I first started here... I probably would have quit. I got to feel like I belonged here from the first day. I am sorry you didn't get that."

"Having a tough older sister all my life made me tough," I said, smiling. Lily smiled back at me. She wiped a tear away from here eye.

"I am so proud of you little sister. I love you so much Ellie," Lily said, shaking her head and then looking at me.

"I love you Lily." I looked back into my sister's deep brown eyes.

I was suddenly almost bowled over by an incomprehensible mass of emotions and impulses. Something felt unbelievably strange. It seems so bizarre looking back at it, it seems like it makes absolutely no sense. But at the time, I felt like I needed something... I needed to do something to solidify this moment. To make us both know that it had been a big mistake to fight and that our love, our sisters' love, would really be able to last forever. That this week had been an aberration rather than a rule. I needed something to seal our adult relationship, to bridge the gap between our childhood and a future where we were friends.

Without actual thought, I started to lean forward, closing my eyes. An intense sense of anticipation seemed to rise up from my knees, sending fluttering sensations throughout my body. I could feel Lily's body tensing as well. I felt my bare breasts press against my sister's t-shirt, pressing into her breasts through the fabric. I could feel the heat coming off of her body and I could smell the perfumed scent of her skin.

Then, still without any thought as to what I was doing, I felt lips press against my sister's soft, pillowy lips, sinking into the soft flesh. For a moment, our lips were just pressed together, my hands clasped over my sister's forearms. I felt myself melt into my sister's kiss, my knees feeling weak. She held me up, letting me lean into her. I could feel the passion and the affection she had for me as it pulsed through her beautiful, soft lips.

I don't know what happened next. Well, that's not true. I can tell you with extreme detail what happened (and don't worry, I will) but I cannot say why it happened. Sisters kiss on occasion, usually on the cheek. Sometimes, I suppose when there is a good reason, they might kiss on the lips. It was entirely possible that we would just have a short, sisterly kiss to end our fight. But something else happened.

I thought for moment, just a moment, about emotions that had flown between my sister and me during the previous week. Below the surface of our anger had been something less understandable and even more terrifying. Small glances, inappropriate thoughts, and intense confusion. Now, those confusing feelings were coming to a head and in such a time and place that they could not be controlled. Maybe it was because the intensity of our fight, one that almost tore us apart, required an equally intense reconciliation. Maybe it was the sexual atmosphere that surrounded our fight. Maybe it was the week of unrelenting erotic excitement that was harder to turn off than one might expect. Maybe it was just that I'd always thought that my sister was a beautiful girl, and now a beautiful woman.

Whatever it was, our lips refused to pull apart. And my body reacted to her energy. My lips quivered slightly and my heart rate sky rocketed. I felt my nipples harden even in my sister's warm, attic bedroom. I felt the area between my legs begin to grow wet and my legs felt like jelly. And it wasn't just my body responding. I had a concrete thought, though I could barely comprehend it, that I wanted to have my sister. To express my love for her in the most intimate way possible. I wanted to show my sister that I embraced every part of her, including her sexuality. I need her to know that I had made the values of her sorority a part of our relationship: support, affection, and sensuality.

I was given absolute confirmation that Lily felt the same way. My sister's lips parted slightly and I did the same. I felt the hot, wet warmth of her tongue as it slid across, just grazing the corner of my lip. I was slightly more aggressive, letting my thick, soft tongue slide into her mouth, licking across her wet tongue. Her mouth opened wider and I let my tongue spill fully into her mouth. I felt her rough, sweet-tasting tongue press against mine. Then she pushed back, driving my tongue back into my own mouth and feeling my teeth with her own. Our mouths now opened and closed in unison as our tongues deeply explored one another's mouths.

Any thought that would question what I was doing was instantly banished from my mind. I was no longer capable of critical thinking or self-control. I just needed to feel pleasure and give it to my sister. Based on the forceful way that Lily's tongue lapped at the inside of my mouth, it was clear that she agreed. This was not going to stop, we couldn't stop it. It had to play out in its entirety, whatever that meant.

While we were kissing, I became aware that Lily's hands were working on my body. First I felt her fingers trailing up and down my body from my hips up to just below my breasts. Her fingers traced a line of fire across my skin and sent a shiver down my spine. After a few gentle strokes, seemed to warm Lily up. She moved her palms to my skin now, they felt hot against my hip and then across my belly. I moaned, opening my mouth and titled my head back. Lily took the opportunity to dip her tongue deeper into my mouth, tasting deeply of me. I actually gagged on her tongue.