Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 01

"Her father and I used to laugh that we managed to have a kid with blonde hair when both of us have... had... um, I have... oh shit." Great first impression! "I'm taller, have darker hair, have had three kids, and am older than her." Why the fuck did I ever agree to this?

"Lissy, please... try to relax. Neither of them told me very much but it was clear that you're getting over someone who was very important to you. I'm sorry about that; obviously I've been there too. I suppose just about all of us have at one time or another." Why Kara; why? "Did Rachel tell you that she knows my daughter and that it was Elena who asked me to email you?" Blondie, what did you do? "They know each other from school."

I got up and got more ice from the automatic dispenser in my fridge/freezer thing.

"What was that noise, Lissy?" I giggled as a thought bubbled up.

"My knife sharpener." Silence.

"You're sharpening knives in the middle of the afternoon?" It's Sunday; it could happen! I giggled as quietly as I could.

"Rachel and June have been living here for a while. I want to make sure the knives are sharp enough." I heard the gasp. "I'm kidding, Becky! I was getting more ice from the dispenser. Geez... talk about relaxing." There was a short period of silence, then she laughed.

"Okay, thanks. I guess you're right. Neither of us is very comfy right now." I thought I was the only one who used that word. She giggled. "What do you do to find out if they're sharp? Pull a hair out of your head and see if the knife cuts it?" I laughed -- that was a good one!

I asked, "So do you have plans for the rest of your Sunday?"

"Sharpening my knives." Okay, I can't lie. The ice melted a little. A sense of humor always works with me.

"Well, I guess I deserved that; it was funny, too!! Well done. I was hopeful I could get a straight answer out of you."

"How can I give you a straight answer when I'm gay?" I laughed till I was out of breath.

When I finally could talk, all I managed to say in my oxygen deprived state was, "Cute."

"Why, yes I am!!" The ice melted a little more.

"Okay, okay... where is this ice breaker going to be, Becky?"

"Are we still going for coffee?" I shrugged.

"I suppose so, unless you have other ideas."

"I guess we maybe could do dinner or something but that wasn't what Rachel mentioned. To be honest, I didn't know if I wanted to do a blind date at my age, let alone an email. And forget a phone call. But now I'm really glad I did." Kitty perked up a little; curious. It seems neither one of us had much of a clue about what was going on these days.

"Trust me, Becky; I know just what you mean. My kid and her honey basically... uh, made it real hard for me not to do this. Call me whenever. We can figure out a date and the rest. It's not like my social calendar is real full right now."

She laughed. "I guess not, especially given the givens." My heart twinged. She said that too! I remembered something.

"My daughter and her family are coming later this week. With Monday being Columbus Day, they're making it a three day weekend."

"Oh how fun!"

"Yeah, I hope so. Jenna's husband is a physician; he finished residency this year and they moved to Minneapolis when he started his job. This is their first trip back."

"And Mom's excited to see her baby. You said family, Lissy; do they have children?"

"Jenna and Ian have a little angel named Ella who was born April 26th of last year. She's adorable. Can we do something the following week?"

"Of course we can. I'll call you that week and we'll plan something. I'm looking forward to meeting you, Lissy."

"Thanks, Becky; I'm glad we did this. Talk again soon. Bye for now."

I'm glad we did this? Really Lissy? No, of course not, but I had no idea what to say. We're human after all. We fall in love and get hurt just like anyone else. I need a nap!

** Unknown **

Kara

Believe me when I say this - at first I truly believe I did this subconsciously. I know; I haven't even said what it is and I sound guilty. Anyways, somehow I found myself walking past places Lissy and I would go. Places where we ate or grocery shopped, even her train stop. When the break-up was brand new I avoided these places like the plague, but now I was making up excuses to happen by.

I had been too chicken to call, email or even text. However, if I ran into her, I (we) would have no choice. Of course my mind had already decided; we'd fall desperately into each other's arms. Then that would be that; Kara and Lissy back together! Simple, right? The wicked games our minds play on us.

Now that I had convinced myself that this wasn't stalking and merely steps needed for our eventual 'happily ever after,' my days started revolving around how to get to these places at times I knew she may be there. The first week I'd managed to visit our favorite coffee shop, two different restaurants and even pretend shopping at her supermarket. Nada. It was making me a bit batty too. Not only would I spend more time than usual at each place, I'd just pick at the food, not drink my coffee, or walk around with an empty shopping cart for an hour. All while constantly on the lookout for Lissy. I'm sure people thought I was a loon. I sure felt like one.

Well, it got worse. It's the same coffee shop I'd tried the week before, but I knew she came to, or used to, quite frequently on the way to the office. I had just finished and was throwing my trash away when I heard her voice. Oh god, I wasn't prepared. My plan was definitely faulty because I completely froze. I literally stood there with my back to the counter, hanging on her every word. I had to place both hands on my coffee cup to stop the uncontrollable shaking. I actually thought I might faint. Everyone else heard a woman ordering coffee, but I knew the nuances of her voice. She's sad. My heart lurched but, I still couldn't move. Go to her! I couldn't. I know; I'm a coward. When I heard the chime on the door as she exited, my legs stumbled to the nearest table. I don't know how long I sat there; I was dazed and sick to my stomach. I was late for work.

For the next few days I avoided any possibility of seeing her again. What I thought was going to be the end of this heartache ended up making it far worse. Every night since I've had the elevator dream. Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping well.

** October 6th **

Lissy

Sunday night dinner with the girls was fun.

"Did the two of you make a date?"

"Yeah I did, honey. The date, time and place aren't set yet but I agreed to meet her." I was fiddling with the pasta in my dish; twirling it without really planning to eat it. I shrugged a shoulder. "I don't know; it felt like the right thing to do. We'll see if she calls again." I stuffed a piece of garlic bread in my mouth. "I guess I've gotta do this now that..."

"Don't talk with food in your mouth, Mom." You little brat! I took a sip of my Chianti.

"Yeah okay, you're right; that's how I raised you. Anyway, I guess I can't back out now."

June got up from her chair and did a ridiculous imitation of a chicken being chased across a something or other. She bawked and whatever chickens do and ran this way and that before miming being caught and falling very dramatically to the ground in a heap. Me and my kid were hysterical laughing. Ever the actress, June stood, curtseyed, and came back to the table. Her honey slathered her face with a bunch of kisses. My heart ached -- but I smiled bravely.

"Was all that just to make the point I can't back out?"

"Why yes it was, Mom!! Otherwise you'll just be branded as one big ass chicken." She smirked. "And there's nothing wrong with your ass." I laughed; blondie was not amused.

"That's my Mother!!" June turned her head to her lover and smiled.

"I'm well aware, lover. That's why I said it. Especially given her age and the number of children she's given life to, that Mother of yours is pretty damn pretty. So just get over your own self!" There must have been a look in her eyes because Rachel didn't respond. We needed a change of subject.

"I have no idea what to wear. I don't know if it's just coffee or something more. Do I go real casual or what?" Two sets of eyes turned to look.

"Do you want your wardrobe assistants to go through your closet again?" I got a boulder in my throat thinking of the last time they had. It wasn't easy to choke it down either!!

"Maybe; we'll see how things go." I looked at the mess on my plate; an appropriate metaphor for my life.

My kid asked, "Are you gonna be okay tomorrow, Mom, with it being Kara's birthday and all?" I wasn't sure.

I looked from one to the other and told the truth. "I'm really not sure. Part of me wants to go stand across the street from where she works in a raincoat and shades just to see her walk in off the street. Then I could hide out somewhere near the front door of her building, in the shadows, when she comes home. But at the end of the day that's just stupid."

June surprised me by shaking her head and saying in a very strong voice, "It's not stupid!! It's very human and very real." She got up from her chair. "And if you do it and don't call her, I'm going to smack you!" I grinned.

"I might like that!" She laughed and looked at my kid, who was several shades of volcano.

"You do this woman proud, lover. You're both gorgeous, you both have a wicked sense of humor, and you both enjoy a good smack now and then." I thought Rach might melt into the chair. She did squirm though, and she couldn't make eye contact with her honey. Or me; she never even looked in my direction.

"We all should keep our... bedroom secrets private. As has been discussed, I'm pretty open with my children about some things but there are other things that just don't need to be talked about." Very grateful blue eyes nodded.

The girls said they'd clean up. After all that we watched 'The Good Wife' and 'Betrayal.' The shows were hardly the main point of conversation.

"Mom, how come you don't have any of the premium channels? You missed all of 'The L Word.' And there are other shows you can't see that you may like." I laughed.

"Kara used to tease me about that all the time." June looked at a chagrined blonde, who was blushing. "It's okay, girls. She said that I can't be a real lesbian if I can't name my favorite character." Two jaws dropped. "Really, it's all good. It was said in jest." I shrugged. "I did a lot of reading." I looked at my kid. "That was something of a solitary pleasure; if I watched TV when Dylan was alive, he'd either want to change it to sports or ask why I was watching what I was. I love to read and, as the years went on, it was just easier."

I felt bad. No matter how old, a kid deserves to have some kind of aura about a parent. Not that I expected my kids to have one about me -- especially this me. But their Dad is another matter. He's gone; I very much wanted to keep the flame alive and burning brightly for them. Our marriage may have ended ha... would have ended had he lived, but that didn't give me license to trash him posthumously. Nor would I.

When 'Betrayal' went to the final commercial I said goodnight to my girls.

"I think it's time for me to get some sleep." I kissed one, then the other. "I'll see you both in the morning."

"Mom?" I was giving June a kiss. I turned my head to my daughter. "Are you going to be okay tomorrow?" I nodded.

"I think so." I wasn't as sure as I tried to make my face feel. I shrugged. "I guess we'll find out."

** October 7th **

Lissy

The girls tiptoed Monday morning, unsure of my emotional state. Hell, I didn't much know what my emotional state was. I lay in bed for what felt like the longest time, hoping I would smell the faint scent of Kara on the pillows.

The shower was delicious and it was miserable. I made myself scream, calling her name all the while. Even though it had been a while, I was still having a hard time separating the 'I want you back now' and the 'I'm still so angry with you.' This morning was about my body and I needing pleasure. Kara had been part of that pleasure for way too long; it was tough, if not impossible, to turn off all the emotion associated with all the time she was my lover.

We did have that breakfast after leaving my car at the station. The girls loved it!!!

"Mom, how did you find this place? The food is fantabulous!" (She'd heard me use the word before.)

"There were the odd days I'd miss a train; I'd come here for a quick, tasty something. They serve fast so the stools turn over quickly." There were no tables, only stools at a counter, like an old F.W. Woolworth's. God I'm old!

"Philly is close enough to New Jersey that there are some diners scattered here and there. That's about the closest I can come trying to relate." I swear the two of them inhaled their bacon, eggs and toast. They both had coffee just like the big kids they pretended to be. I have the biggest smile on my face typing that, remembering that morning. I missed my Kara.

***

I had the girls drop me at the Dunkin' Donuts I had stopped at that morning when Kara and I caught a cab from her place to our jobs. Yeah, I know; I'd already had breakfast and coffee. I was still a bit groggy and I like the coffee. What's it to ya? Anyway, it was a brisk, short walk to work. I sure as hell wouldn't do it in the dead of winter, but this is still early October. I won't say I was humming a happy tune but the morning had been a good one overall.

I stopped dead in my tracks; my heart froze and my stomach did somersaults even the Russian judge would have liked. I thought I saw a glimpse of blonde, whose blue eyes were watching me, not too far from work. My mouth went dry and you know what wasn't. By the time I blinked away the tears that threatened, whoever it was that I thought might have been Kara wasn't there anymore. I shivered; I'm still angry with you, lover. And my mind is still playing tricks on me. Kitty, believing I'd seen her honey, slammed the door so hard... you wouldn't understand.

Work, as you'd expect, was a joke after that little fiasco. I kept looking for Kara. I didn't go out for lunch. There's a place in the building I go maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Yup; the food is that bad. I called and ordered take out and hustled my ass back to the elevator, calmly looking over my shoulder for anything resembling my 'her.' Calm and cool. Not!

At day's end, I zigged and zagged to the train, avoiding anything that might have been close to my regular pattern. When I took my seat I was a wreck. Half out of breath, I was perspiring, even though temps were supposed to be in the 60's. There was a silly part of my mind that dared ask 'Why today?' Sensible mind smacked it; 'It's her birthday you twit.'

I checked; good, I wasn't in a 'quiet car,' where cell phones were banned during rush hour. I called Rachel.

"Hi Mom; are you on your way home? Did your day go okay?" I sure as hell don't want to tell her what I wasn't sure about.

"Yeah, about as well as you'd expect overall. How about you? Have you talked to June? You two make it to your place okay?" I was being over protective -- it was more my stuff than me worrying about theirs.

"Mom; what's going on? Even for you, this is way more than you asking me about my day. Did you see Kara or something? Oh my god -- tell me you're not camped out anywhere near her condo! Please, mother, tell me you're not."

Little snot doesn't know what happened. Actually, I was so spooked by what I thought I'd seen I hadn't even thought of going near her place. That's not to say I hadn't had a thought or ten now and then.

** October 7th **

Kara

This morning it came to a head when I woke up feeling like someone was standing on my chest. It was hard to catch my breath and I couldn't get my hands to stop trembling. Sitting up slowly, I tried to just concentrate on my breathing. The room started to spin. What the hell? I must be having some kind of panic attack. My eyes close to stop the merry go round, it works... mostly. I turn to put my feet on the floor and lean back against the couch, waiting for some semblance of normal.

Moments go by, when Barb's voice rouses me, "You look like hell birthday girl." Birthday? Could I really be so out of it that I forgot my own birthday? I would have sworn it was still a couple weeks away.

I open one eye, just in case my morning fun isn't over. "Are you screwing with me?"

She laughed. "No, you look like shit. Want some coffee?"

"I was talking about it being my birthday and yes."

"Coming right up and yes." She's a goof. I took a chance and opened my other eye. Thank god, back to normal or whatever this is. Sometimes coffee tastes so damn good and today was one of those days. Barb joined me on the couch but kept quiet while I took my first few sips.

I surprised her by talking first. "I saw Lissy the other day." I had her attention.

She turned to face me, crossing her legs. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well how did it go, brat?"

My voice dripped with sarcasm. "Swimmingly, if you consider she didn't even know I was there and I froze as going well."

"Oh honey..." Her hand lay lightly on my arm. "I'm sorry." I could feel her eyes on me, waiting for me to look at her. I couldn't, I knew I'd break down. She sighed and then said with her best cheery voice, "Let's go out tonight, get drunk and find you someone to fuck those cobwebs off."

"You mean you're not available?" I brought my eyes to hers and smirked at her instant blush. It takes a lot for Barb to blush, I almost felt sorry for her. No not really, it was funny. She just sat there, still as statue, but I could see the thoughts racing through her mind.

"Uh... Kara. I'm uh... flattered..." Okay, enough of the torture.

I laughed; she smiled back, but still wasn't sure what was going on. "I was kidding!!" I think all the air emptied from her body and she smacked me on my shoulder. Ouch! I guess I deserved it. Trying to sound apologetic, I said, "Look... I know you're just trying to help, but the only woman I want is Lissy." At least her face is back to its normal color. I continued, "As a matter of fact, I'm going to go by her office today."

Eyebrows rose. "Really?" I nodded, she smiled. "Great! Good thinking going on your birthday too. Get some extra sympathy." Barb is clueless. Whatever, I need to get going.

"Thanks for the coffee, I'm going to jump in the shower quick and try to make it over there before it gets too late." As soon as I was in the guest bathroom, I sunk to the floor and cried. Acting happy took its toll. I didn't want to do anything today except see Lissy. Just hearing her talk about going out and getting laid on top of it made me feel nauseous. I can't even touch myself. I know, I know. I've tried, trust me. So many nights without her, missing her. Especially when my mind decides to be particularly evil and it whisks me away to one of our memories.

It's funny how the everyday things become a challenge. Just brushing my teeth is a struggle. Lissy used to tease me about how I paced back and forth when I brushed. I never even knew I did it until her. She'd hold me from behind and I'd stop brushing. It's almost as if my feet weren't moving, neither would the toothbrush. Her chin would rest on my shoulder, her arms laced around my waist and we'd stare at each other in the mirror, our eyes smiling back at each other.

Okay, I may have helped this silliness along but I couldn't help it; I loved making her smile. The truth is, it was her touch that captivated me. My heart would race every time, sending flutters up and down my body. I cherished it... cherished her. Now I can't bear to move when I brush my teeth or even look in the mirror. Lissy, how am I going to make it without you? I miss us.