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I climb onto the bed and slide under the sheets, you're there. Oh baby, I've missed us so badly. All I can do is hold on as tight as I can. Our arms and legs finding their familiar places, my face buried in your neck; I'm home. Please don't let me go. Your arms promise you won't; I melt. Scared to open my eyes, scared you'll be gone if I do.
You push me to my back, your breath in my ear. I can't hear what you're saying but it doesn't matter; I feel it. Your fingers start at my neck, walk their way through the valley, then turn to tickle the underside of Pinky. I gasp. My nipple hardens as you roll it between your fingers, my hips lift. Your giggle fills the air... my heart is threatening to jump out of my chest. You don't make me wait. I cry out as you slide through my silkiness and into my aching pussy. "YES!" All these nights of yearning, loneliness come crashing full force. Fingers fly in and out, hips not able to keep up... so hungry, desperate. "Pleeeease baby... please I need you!" Heat rushes up my body... the ache is so intense I'm coming undone. It won't let go. I'm being held at the brink with no release. "Liiiissssy!!!" Faster, harder, deeper... give it to me... please god. PLEASE! I roll to my stomach, frantic. I drive my hips into the bed, forcing my fingers deeper. Sweat and tears sting my eyes as I push. Slower, then faster... harder, then softer. No matter what I do, the release I need won't come.
My body slumps, movements lessen then stop. Fingers slide from me. My whole body begins to shake, wracked with sobs. I'm falling apart, my arms wrap around me attempting to hold me together. Turning to my side, I let myself cry. Not that I have a choice but giving in seems less painful somehow. You're gone... I'm alone.
***
My eyes fly open, heart racing, with no grasp on time or where I am. The nightmares are so real, right at the surface. I lay there trying to catch my breath, calm my body. It's still dark and I hear the rain hitting the window. I used to love the rain, now it's just another reminder of what I've lost... of her. My mind wanders to that night on my balcony. We held hands, naked, letting the water kiss us. Our love felt invincible. I knew that night that I'd never love anyone like I loved her. How did I get here? I need to know why I listened to Alexis. Why was I willing to risk the woman I loved for a woman I hated, despised? There's something wrong with me. As much as I want Lissy back, I can't be good for her until I figure out who I am. I need answers.
** October 20th **
Lissy
Becky and I talked a couple of times between our first chat and our date. Call it what it is, Lissy. It was just coffee; just a Starbucks or whatever she may decide -- but it was a date.
She called that Sunday around noon.
"I'll be in a red blouse and beige slacks. I hope that's not too much. You probably already have a good idea of what I look like from my daughter."
Becky laughed; she pretty much did that a lot. "Yeah, I do. I'm tall; I keep my red hair sorta short. I'll be in a white blouse and blue skirt. I have to wear my glasses; my contacts got messed up the other day and... well, I should tell you that I'm nervous that you won't like me in glasses." The ice melted a little again.
"Hey you; don't you go worrying about something silly like glasses versus contacts. It's pretty cute that you even told me. I obviously would never have known. I'm sorry to hear about the eye trouble. I guess I'm lucky that glasses and contacts aren't part of my world. Not yet anyway."
"Thanks, Lissy. I appreciate that. I guess that's why they call it a blind date." Cute! "So I'll see you in a little while?"
Isn't it funny how intonation of a voice makes a difference? It was clear she was as nervous about meeting me as I was her. And that's not even bringing the Kara factor into it all. Talk about your elephant in the room!!
I did the social graces thing and said, "I'm looking forward to meeting you, Becky. See you soon."
***
It was a disaster -- think 'Pearl Harbor' the movie! The 'date' itself was really good. Becky's really cute - loads of red hair, big blue eyes, and bubbly as hell. It was me that was a wreck. Becky made the 'mistake' of asking me how I was. I started to cry. I was mortified; she looked like she wanted to crawl under the table; a good feat at her height.
When I finally stopped, she asked, "It was either real recent or a real bad breakup, Lissy. I'm so sorry. I'm sure Rachel and June meant well when they suggested we do this. And your reaction to my question leads me to believe that this was too much too soon." She smiled beautifully and reached for my hand, taking it in hers. I appreciated it... and not so much. Nothing wrong in the least with what she did; it was all about me... and that elephant. My blonde elephant.
"Let's call it for today, Lissy." Her smile was warm and genuine. I felt like shit; she was trying so hard and I was such a mess. Why Kara? Why? We should be doing whatever on this glorious Sunday and I've wasted this lovely woman's time. She's fussing over me like a... something.
"Let me know if you ever feel like going out for coffee or... whatever." The smile faded; she stared out the window as she let go of my hand. I felt the tears start again. Goddammit!
I cried. I felt like an idiot. This lovely woman must think I'm some sort of whackadoodle.
"Becky, this has... no, you have been wonderful. I'm so sorry I'm such shitty company." I lowered my eyes and shook my head. Those blue eyes were magnets, not unlike... um.
I have to tell you about the oddest thing that happened. After my stupid crying jag I needed a tissue. I'd used up a bunch of napkins the two of us had brought back to the table. I grabbed for one of those little things that hold maybe a dozen tissues. As I grabbed for it on the bottom of my purse, something fell from my fingers. It looked like a business card. Normally I keep those in one of the many mysterious compartments purse designers like to tease us with.
'Shade Nguyen, Owner, Lincoln Park Insurance Agency.' My heart fell -- again. I remembered that night; all the fun we had at the bar with the two of them and later at the condo. I'd forgotten we'd exchanged business cards. Isn't that odd?
Anyway, we had paid at the counter so leaving wasn't a big deal. Yeah right; it was light years beyond awkward for me.
"I'm so sorry I made such a mess of things today. I think you're really cute. God knows you tried your best to make this... oh crap, whatever." I couldn't even make eye contact with her. "I'm totally embarrassed to have done this to such a nice woman; especially since it was my kid who put you up to this mess." I want to run to my car and go home.
She kissed me.
I swear to god she did.
It was only lips pressed to lips. Think me kissing Rachel. But it was a kiss. She smiled.
"Lissy, you're a woman in pain. She, whoever she is, hurt you real bad." Her fingers brushed some hair from my eyes. It felt good. She smiled. "Maybe you'll call; maybe you won't. I hope you do, if the two of you don't get back together." The smile was warm and her eyes were as well. "Much as I'm curious about you, the universe would be better if the two of you were back together."
My eyes filled as that last sentence went on and I was in a complete sob when it ended. God love her -- Becky held me in her arms and let me cry. And oh my god did I cry!! Just like I am as I trpe... tlype... SHIT... type. Deep sigh.
Here's what I thought as I drove home. Great! Thanks a lot, Kara!! Not only have you fucked up my life but you pretty much fucked up any chance I may have had with a perfectly wonderful woman.
And here's what I thought as I pushed the garage door button - Why the FUCK am I standing here crying?
***
Sunday dinner with the girls is usually among the highlights of the week. That Sunday night was completely the opposite.
"You said it went badly and that you don't want to talk about it. Okay; can you tell us a little about Becky? She's pretty nice. I like her." I didn't want to say another word but I can't be mean to my kid. She and June are just trying to help. "What was she wearing?" I laughed. When in doubt, ask about clothes.
"She had on a white blouse and a skirt. It was a dark blue pencil skirt. The blouse was nothing special." I shrugged. She had pretty eyes. "She kissed me."
"She did?" Both of them said it at the same time. I nodded.
"We were in the parking lot at my car. It took me by surprise, given what a mess I'd made of the whole thing." I looked from one to the other. "It was just her lips pressed to mine for a split second. But it was nice; nice of her to do it I mean."
"Okay, I have to ask. Did you make another date with her?" It was pretty funny; Rachel gave June a look like 'Are you out of your flippin' mind?' "Stop looking at me like that, woman!" Rach looked from her honey to me. I shrugged.
"She was very nice about it all, but I can't imagine she'd want to see me again after that disaster."
"Would you like to see her again?"
"I don't want to think about that. I miss Kara -- a lot!" I pushed away from the table and stood. "I know I'm not much fun these days. Thank you both for trying; she's very nice and I made a fool of myself. I'd appreciate it if the two of you would clean up here."
"Mom, please sit down." I put my hands on my hips. Rachel's gaze didn't waver. "Please." I didn't want to but I did. I could feel myself about two seconds away from another crying jag.
"Okay, I'm sitting. What did you want to say?"
"We're both in the city during the week while we work. We see you on the weekend." She looked at June; a look passed between them.
"It's been about two and a half months, Mom. Rach and I are worried. We know you're hurting. You've made it clear you miss Kara; you're also not doing anything like calling or emailing -- least as far as we know. We both thought you might enjoy Becky's company. She may not be a good fit for you; I don't know. Maybe it's still too soon; you're just not ready to move on yet." Uh oh; here they come. "There's not much we can do to help; we do want to. We both love you too much and we hate to see you like this." Oh god.
I couldn't hold them back anymore. I sat there in my kitchen and cried my broken heart out, feeling like a fool for the second time that day. I'm really not a crybaby. I have my moments of course; being married and having children will bring some heartache into your life. This felt different. It felt like my life got dumped on its pointed little head. It hurt. I cried when Dylan died of course. Death has a certain finality to it; the curtain comes down. They're not there anymore and it dawns on you they're never coming back. This was a far different kind of death. She's out there; probably in her condo. Does she miss me like I miss her? Is she sitting on the couch, on the balcony, huddled under the blankets in our bed? I can't stop the tears; didn't want to. When am I going to stop hurting? Are we really done? I really hate you, Kara.
I woke up in bed, under the covers, with all my clothes on. I didn't remember coming upstairs. How did I get here? It was dark out; I looked at the clock on the nightstand. 8 o'clock; not too, too late.
I lay there, trying to remember what happened. I know I was having dinner with the girls. I remembered crying yet again. I was really tired of that crap. Being in this bed was something I used to look forward to; now I dreaded it. I wasn't sleeping well and hadn't since the end of July. That wasn't doing me a hell of a lot of good either.
I rolled on my side and hugged a pillow. All the sheets and pillow cases had been washed a couple of times since... then. There was a faint scent of Kara; it had to be in the pillow. Was I dreaming it; was it psychosomatic? Was it me, wishing it to be so? I groaned as I answered the ridiculous question. I kicked off the covers and got out of bed. What now, Lissy? Fuck if I know. I had nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to do it with, and was in no particular hurry to get nowhere.
This is just idiotic. Well, I could always wash my hair. I couldn't get too enthused about a shower. How about a bath? Yeah, some bath beads, a glass of wine, and lots of hot water. I might as well shave my legs for work tomorrow while I'm at it. I went into the bathroom, started the bath water, added the beads, and went downstairs to get some wine.
The girls were watching television.
"You okay, Mom?" I smiled, walked over to the couch, and kissed them both.
"I don't know how I got upstairs but it seems I took a little nap. I'm going to take a bath. Are you two going to the city tonight?" June answered.
"We thought we'd wait and see how you're doing. If it's okay we'll go in with you in the morning. We can drive; you can take the train home. How does that sound?"
"How about we see what the morning brings." I smiled. "I'll see both of you bright and early tomorrow. Love you both; night." They both responded in kind as I headed upstairs.
The door closed behind me, I headed to check the water. Mmm, perfect! I stripped and slid into the luxurious warmth. I like to have the tub about two thirds full, get in, then turn the water real hot and let it fill the rest of the way. I closed my eyes, lay my head on the rim, and took a couple of deep breaths.
I'm glad the kids are gonna hang again; that's nice of them. Maybe I'll take them to breakfast. We can go to that little coffee shop near the Pickwick Theater again. They make cheap, simple, good breakfasts. I don't miss my train all that often but, when I do, they're a quick, tasty way to get the old digestive tract moving. Kara loves it too.
I shivered in the hot water. It's terrible for me to think this way, blondie, but I miss you most of all in our bed. Yeah, there are all kinds of other reasons as well. I never knew from one day to the next how you were going to make love to me. There was that time you did nothing more than kiss and lick every inch of both of my legs. You found intense spots of pleasure I never knew existed. I need my wine. I reached for the glass on the little ceramic ledge and brought it to my lips. Turning Leaf Chardonnay -- silky smooth.
You loved how I'd take your labia, one side at a time, and tug them with my lips. I remember how surprised you were when I told you that a woman's clitoris extends down the inside of both sides of our thighs. You looked at me in disbelief when I told you there was a website devoted to our little love button -- the clitoris.
My fingers traced over the skin between my legs -- right and left side. I remember you moaning when it was my tongue.
"Please, baby, stop. Give me what I need." I think I giggled. "Are you doing this to prove your point?" I looked up over your hips at your glazed gray eyes and winked. "I think I hate you." I moved and bit your clit. "OW! Okay, okay, I don't." You giggled. "But you already know that." Mm hmm.
I was miserable. My fingers were moving idly over my body as I thought about you. I felt tears begging to be set loose. I wanted this bath to be about me. Or did I? I tried blinking the tears back even as they kept storming the gates. As my fingers slipped into my folds I let myself cry. Bitter, hot tears; why the fuck are you not in this bathtub with me tears.
I felt the little snot bubble on the end of my nose and ignored it. Okay, I lied. I brushed it off with my arm. I blinked twice in an effort to stem the tide. I'm an idiot. She's blonde, I love her, and I miss her. And those fingers; oh my god, her fingers know just how to do me so good!! Just saying those words turned the faucets on high. I cried, even as my hips bucked. No, I have no explanation. She's blonde, I love her, and she's gone.
Please fuck me, Kara. I'm crazy missing you and I need to cum. Please take me over the top. I felt the tear slip down my cheek as I begged you to finish me. I saw your face behind my closed eyes, smiling that smile -- the one that knew you were wrecking me yet again. The possessive smile of a lover doing what she does to the woman she loves.
I sobbed as I pushed a third finger into my depths. I need you, woman. How do we make this right? How do I make this right? How can I... ohhhhh... it hit me and I don't know how. I screamed your name. My body shook. I heard the water slosh over the side of the tub and understood how a tsunami happens. It's an explosion deep underneath the surface of a bathrub. I laughed as I made the typing error. Bathrub - That is too funny! Kitty thought it was wonderful; the three fingers deep inside me thought it was hysterical. Thank you, Mrs. Freud, that was a fabulous slip! We all enjoyed it.
I have no idea how long I lay in the water. At some point my body and the water both got cold; thankfully my body let my mind know.
Oh my god that was delicious. A deep sigh confirmed it. The wine glass at my lips, the four or five deep sips were proof.
I miss you, Kara. Please come home. I need you; oh my fucking god I need you!! I whispered that to the pillow as I hugged it, even as my tears wet the pillow case. When will it end? Will it end... and how?
** October 25th **
Kara
Having been out of the scene for so long, I didn't know where to start. I called a couple of 'friends' I'd known back then and the most I could get was the name of a club. This isn't exactly a forthcoming society. The only reason I even got the name was because I knew someone inside the circle. Even then it had come with a price. I didn't care; I'd pay it. I needed back in to find myself a new Domme.
Kelly agreed to meet me at a nearby coffee shop and take me herself. She was a Domme but referred to herself as a Mistress. What's the difference? Well you can be both; it depends on who you ask. To Kelly it meant she only took submissives who made a lifestyle commitment. Not just for a night here and there; they lived with her real time - 24/7. Highly respected among her peers, she never lacks for subs vying for a chance to be under her charge.
She wasn't a sadist like Alexis; she would make sure I found someone 'safe'. Not that my safety was a concern for me; in fact it was the quite the opposite. I'm positive she sensed my recklessness and it's probably why she agreed to be the one to bring me to the club. She knew what Alexis had done.
Usually able to keep her feelings in check, she cried the night I rang her doorbell at 3am. Initially livid at the intrusion, her face paled when the door swung open and she found a badly beaten and scared young woman. She had pulled me inside and held me until the tears and shaking finally stopped.
She didn't have to ask what happened, it was painfully clear. As I undressed to get into the warm bath Mistress had drawn, she examined every inch of me. The welts, burns and cuts spoke for themselves and I cringed at the pain in her eyes. She knew what had inflicted each, and worse, what intensity was needed to cause the severity of the abuse. The most prominent were made by what is called "black lightening". Denser than a normal cane, it delivers an acute sensation making the sub feel as if they're being cut. In this case, it did just that. Lacerations, some deep, covered my legs and torso. They stung as I lowered myself into the water. Kelly visibly shivered as I'm sure she imagined the pain endured at the hands of an overzealous and careless Domme. She kept her anger boiling under the surface and focused on staying calm and gentle for my battered soul.
I don't know what happened exactly, but I do know Alexis was shunned from her community. Kelly held a personal vendetta against her, and what she wants she always gets. I'm forever indebted to her for the kindness she showed me and for making my fight hers. I wasn't even her sub, which spoke volumes to her character and respect for the lifestyle.
