Do Unto Others

"If it was you, I would," I told her as we sucked each other's mouths hungrily.

"I thought that you were cheating on me," I said. She just smiled and laughed. "Danny, I've already told you that I could never do it with anyone else. What do I have to do to convince you?"

And that's when it happened. We got so busy kissing each other that the axe just slipped out of Ally's hand and fell to the bed. The head of the axe being the greatest concentration of mass; is designed to hit first and in this case it did. The rest was just plain bad luck. The razor sharp blade easily cut through the aforementioned part of Bobby's anatomy severing it completely very close to the base.

Bobby's screams were probably heard in the next state and as you could hear on the tape, Ally and I didn't quite know what to do. I ran into the bathroom and got a towel for him while Ally called 911. I threw him the towel and told him to keep pressure on it, but there was no way I was going to hold onto that bastard's crotch. I'd let him die first.

And as for trying to find his dick? Likewise, no way I was going to touch it. He knocked it off the bed anyway when he went to screaming and jumping around. Let him hunt around for it. Luckily the ambulance got there before he bled out and went into shock or whatever. So the bastard isn't dead but the rest of it is really his own fault.

The question here though Dave is, what are you going to do about all of this? You have right there on that tape Bobby admitting that he and two of his friends were the ones who attacked my wife. You also have him admitting that it was Tammy Joe, who got them to do it.

Everyone in the room looked at Dave. Tammy Joe had made her way over to the door. "I'm sorry Danny," she said. "But this is your fault too. If you'd just gotten rid of that little red headed tramp, or at least let me share you with her, we'd all be happy now."

Her confession somehow seemed like the end of every episode of Scooby Doo, where the bad guy says, "And I'd have gotten away with it too. If it hadn't been for those meddling kids."

She tried to make a break past the two deputies on the door. But they wouldn't budge.

"Danny you've put me in a bad position," said Dave. "The mayor wants blood over this one. With that tape his only son could go to jail for a long time. Even seeing as how it was an accident, I think I could still charge either you or Allyson with this and maybe get Bobby off. But I'm willing to make a deal with you. Give me the tape and you and red just walk out the door. Everyone goes home and we forget all about this. It never happened. As far as anyone knows, Bobby got his dick cut off in an industrial accident. What do you say?"

"Martha?" I asked.

Martha just looked down at her shoes. So did Joe. Even my own fucking lawyer couldn't meet my gaze. He was fucking Martha. Ally whispered in my ear as we looked at him. "Honey, we need a different lawyer."

Since he was fucking Martha and she like Dave had been appointed by the mayor, they were all inclined to go along with the farce.

I breathed out a long sigh. "Joe, you're fired," I said. "You are no longer my company's lawyer. You will not get any further business from us." He looked pissed but he knew I was serious. "Martha, I always looked up to you. I always thought that besides being attractive, you were honest and dedicated to the law and justice in this town. I guess I was wrong. The people of this town will miss you."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" she said. "It's you or me. If I don't go along with this shit I could lose my job."

"What about your honor and your self-respect?" I asked.

"That bullshit is easy for you to talk about," she snapped. "Your company is practically printing money. The rest of us have to go along to get along. Try paying your fucking mortgage with honor. Try paying your car note with self respect, then come back and talk to me about it."

"Dave, you were one of my best friends growing up. I really expected you to stop sucking the mayor's dick and do the right thing," I said.

"Danny, this is the right thing, for me and my family. I have kids to feed. But look at it this way, he won't be doing this shit to any other women, even if they can sew his dick back on," said Dave, looking at the floor. "And Danny, Tammy Joe is getting hers too. Every time she looks at the two of you together she's kicking herself for what she lost. You and Allyson have more than enough money to just move somewhere else."

"Okay Dave," I said. "I really hoped it wouldn't come to this."

"Come to what?" he asked sadly.

"Mustang," I said loudly. Everyone in the room looked at me as if I was crazy. "Danny why'd you yell out what kind of car you drive?" asked Dave. "And what does that have to do with anything?"

"It's the code word they told me to yell," I told him. He just looked puzzled.

Within a few seconds several highly armed men wearing vests that said either FBI or State Police burst into the room. Theyhandcuffed, Tammy Joe, Martha and Dave. Dave's two deputies were warned not to interfere.

Another man wearing a business suit came in after they were all secured. Dave recognized him, as did Martha and Joe. He was the state attorney general. Dave and Martha were charged with violating the public trust and conspiracy to obstruct justice. The mayor would probably be pulled into the case as well. Bobby was charged with rape and Tammy Joe was charged with solicitation of a crime and conspiracy charges. Joe would probably lose his license to practice law for breaching his professional ethics.

The state attorney assured me that Bobby's accident was probably just an accident and neither Ally nor I would be charged especially considering the circumstances and the conspiracy to prevent the attackers from going to prison.

A few moments later he told us not to leave town, but we could go home. They would need us to testify but we had a strong case against all of them

Then, Ally and I were all alone. She kissed me again and we went out to my highly over powered Mustang. We felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off of our shoulders.

"Can we come back for my car tomorrow, or send someone for it?" she asked. "Right now I just need to be near you, dumb ass."

"Why am I a dumb ass?" I asked her.

"Ooh, there are too many reasons to name," she said. "Just trust me you're a dumb ass."

"Well if I'm so dumb, why do you want to get in my car? For that matter maybe I should just go ahead and let Joe serve you the divorce papers he's working on," I said. She looked for a second as if someone had punched her. The smirk on her face was gone replaced in an instant with a frown, a drawn look and a lightening of her skin as if all of the blood had flowed away from her face just like that.

"You were..." she began.

"Ally, I'm sorry," I said. "I thought that..."

"Dumb ass," she said. "You really are a dumb ass Danny, but you're my dumb ass. Please don't ever forget that. And Joe won't be a lawyer for much longer so he's not going to be giving me shit."

"Name one," I said. "Let me hear one."

"DJP squared," she said.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" we both said at the same time and smiled.

"You first," I said. I wanted to hear some of these reasons why I'm a dumb ass.

"Okay," she said. "But don't get pissed if I keep going. You're a dumb ass because you really have no clue how much I love you. Danny, I'd be lost without you, you're the most important thing in...nope that's not even it. You ARE my world. Number two, how the hell could you actually believe that I'd cheat on you? That goes beyond just being a dumb ass. That gets deeply into brain damage territory. But I upgraded you from brain damaged to mere dumb ass, because TJ did cheat on you so maybe you're still shell shocked. And I also upgraded you there because I love you, stupid." She looked at me sitting there with my mouth open and reached over and closed it by pressing gently upwards on my jaw.

"Okay, I don't think I can stop here," she laughed. "You're a dumb ass because you actually thought that I didn't want to have babies with you. God you're stupid. What do I tell you every time you ram that thing inside me? Do, I need to..."

"Okay stop," I said. "What the hell is a DJP squared?"

"You said name one," she smiled and took my hand. "I think I'm gonna name one of my babies after his daddy. So DJP squared is Daniel James Pane the second. But if you think that's too stuffy or formal we could just call him Dumb Ass Junior."

I leaned over and kissed her and started the Mustang's powerful motor. This beast was hard to control at low speeds because the factory installed supercharger, like all KRs had been replaced with a much more powerful one.

"Danny, while you were telling us the story, I didn't say anything but you lied," she said. I saw the reports from your PI hidden in your desk. You did know who those guys were before they died. I was thinking you were going to go and try to hurt them and get put into jail, I couldn't let you ruin your life over me so I had to get Bobby off the street before you got to him."

"Bobby's friend, Stu Morgenstern was the one who provided the drugs they used on you. He supplied Bobby with a vial of GHB. Bobby gave it to TJ and when you had that lunch with her either she, or he acting as a waiter slipped it into your drink. I know that much because my PI overheard Stu bragging about it when he was trying to sell the stuff to another guy. We also got the name Duncan Holmes, another of Bobby's friends from that conversation too. We didn't know that Bobby was involved in the actual attack. We thought he only helped TJ drug you. Duncan was the one who stuck his dick..."

I paused to change the subject because I didn't want her to think about her attack. I kissed her, deeply and passionately. It was what I usually did lately. Anytime we mentioned her attack, I tried to replace the bad memory with a better one.

"Anyway, I didn't have anything to do with either of their deaths. GHB is very potent and toxic. In small doses it's used as a date rape drug. There's a very small difference between the amount used to get someone so dosed that they want to fuck anything they see and an overdose that can cause a coma or possible death. There's an even smaller difference between the amount that will cause a coma and the amount needed to kill someone within minutes."

"From what I understand, Stu was at a party at his own apartment. It's a really shitty little place on the wrong side of the tracks. He hid his GHB there. Anyway he was having a party with a few of his friends and it turns out that one of the bottles of his favorite beer was what he used to store all of his GHB. I guess somehow while he was drunk he picked the wrong bottle and just swigged it. By the time he realized what was going on, it was too late."

"So how did you know all of this?" Ally asked looking at me suspiciously.

"Dave told me," I said. "While Stu was having his party I was at the sheriff's office complaining again about how they weren't doing anything on your case, Miss Suspicious."

"How did you know that he kept his drugs in a beer bottle in his apartment? I never heard that, and the sheriff's office doesn't release details like that," she asked. "Even my PI doesn't know that and he has a friend in the sheriff's department." She was still looking at me funny as I shrugged my shoulders.

"Okay, what happened to the other guy?" she asked.

"Well, from what I found out, Duncan died in a weird hunting accident. You know those guys go up north deer hunting every year. Well, this year someone invited Duncan to go out with a group of guys. Now Duncan has never apparently fired a gun before. So to protect him they just kept him back at the hunting lodge drinking with the other guys until he got his license. He had already paid for it but he needed to answer some questions about gun safety before he could shoot. And from what I understand, they kept feeding him alcohol until he was way past the legal limit. Then they let him go to sleep. You know how people do really dumb things sometimes in their sleep? Duncan put on a deer costume. It had the head, the antlers and all. It was apparently very realistic."

"From what I've heard Duncan was drunk as a skunk and wearing a deer costume. Someone told him that the sheriff was coming to ask him some questions. Duncan ran out into the woods. I don't know why he would have done that. Duncan must've been shot 20 or 30 times. The sheriff in the town they do the hunting in, also issues the firearms hunting licenses. It's just one of those weird coincidences. Maybe his conscience was guilty or something. Maybe it was just the alcohol. I've always heard that liquor and guns just don't go together well."

"Just out of curiosity?" asked Ally. "Where were you while all of this was going on?"

"Well it just so happens, that at that exact moment..." I began.

"You were at the sheriff's department down here, complaining about the shitty job they were doing on my case," she smirked.

"How did you know?" I asked, my face was a mask of fake surprise.

"I love you dumb ass," she said.

DJP squared was born 10 months later.

The end, And yes I know it was all very improbable, but it was fun wasn't it?