Don't Stop Believing

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean that, it just came out. I guess I'm still in shock about all of this. I shouldn't have spoken. That isn't my place anymore."

"What the fuck do you mean, that isn't your place anymore," exploded June. "Dell, there's something wrong with you. I didn't go to work dressed like this. I left work after only a couple of hours and went and got my hair and make-up done. Then I went home and changed. This is all for you. You know I don't like anyone except you looking at my ass. This skirt isn't something I'd ever wear anywhere without something to cover it up. Have you gone crazy?"

"Okay, we didn't come here for an argument," interjected May. "And after hearing what just happened, I don't think the two of you are ready to have a conversation yet. So let's do things differently. June, you can have the floor first. This is your chance to tell Dell your side of what happened and what you want. Dell, don't interrupt her, just listen. You can ask her questions and refute her opinions afterwards. Then you can have your say."

"Dell," began June. "I love you. I can't tell you that enough. If you only knew how much I think about you on a daily basis it would probably scare you. I love our life together and this isn't something I'm proud of but it also isn't something we can't get over. I am so sorry it happened and it will never happen again."

"As to the first time, you know that you and I have kind of an unusual sex drive. We are perfectly matched which from what I read doesn't happen very often. Usually, one partner or the other has a higher drive or needs more. We're perfect for each other. Anyway, you already know what happened to me the first time but I want you to understand why it happened."

"You were working a double shift and it was a Thursday Dell. Thursdays are my nights as much as Mondays are yours. I had been at work that whole day looking forward to a night of teasing and caressing and long, slow lovemaking. I look forward all day to that and when I got home, I was as horny as a mountain goat. I didn't mind you working longer Dell. I know we could use the money, but I wanted you so badly my panties were already sticky just thinking about it."

"When the music started next door, I knew that they were having yet another party. After I put the kids to bed, I decided to head next door just long enough to grab a drink and come back home. They had the bar as usual but we both know that they spike the drinks from the bar sometimes. I didn't think they'd do that to me with all of those young attractive girls around but I didn't want to take any chances. So I got a glass of the punch instead. I intended to drink that glass of punch and then go home and get ready for you. And you know already what happened. When I woke up three of them were in me. I didn't care. I just pushed them off of me, got dressed and went home. But you were already there."

"Honey, I never meant to deceive you or lie to you. I never meant to hide the truth from you and despite what you think, I do trust you. It was just that I was embarrassed. I just wanted to forget about it and move on with our lives. I didn't want to ruin anything we had with something that I never asked for or wanted. And Dell, whether you know it or not: men act funny over things like that. And you are pretty bad about it. I knew that if I told you what had happened it would cause trouble. And I wasn't worried about trouble between us and those guys; I was worried about trouble between us. So I didn't tell you."

"You hurt me badly that night Dell. You have to understand, I was in the mood to be loved and made love to by the man I love. Instead I got drugged and raped. Those guys meant nothing to me. Shit, they didn't know what they were doing. I didn't enjoy any of it. I don't even remember what happened and as soon as I came out of it, I pushed them off of me and went home."

"All I needed was for you to hold me in your arms and make it all go away. But for the first time since we met, you wouldn't even touch me. You treated me like I had a disease or something. We went from you not being able to keep your hands off of me, to you treating me like a turd. Quick question, Dell; when was the last time you grabbed my ass?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

"It was the morning that all of this shit happened, just before you left for work. I kissed you goodbye and you jammed your tongue down my throat. After a couple of seconds of that, you slid both of your hands off of my sides and started feeling me up while the kids were in the kitchen eating their cereal. We were still in our room getting dressed and you pulled my skirt up and just started kneading my ass. You had me all worked up and pushed me down on the bed. You had just gotten me out of my panties and makeup or not, I was going to let you fuck me. I have never told you no; ever."

"The only thing that stopped us then was your daughter calling us from the kitchen to tell us that Todd had spilled his cereal. I went through the whole day dreaming about you finishing what you'd started. But you got into bed with me and just rolled away from me and went to sleep. I knew then that something was wrong between us but I had no idea that you knew what had happened and were waiting for me to tell you about it."

"Dell, for the past ten years you and I have done something sexual or romantic almost every God damned night. I have never gotten bored with you. I have never been tired of you and despite what you told May, I have no desire for any man other than you. What happened the second time was partially your fault. You know our history, so you know that if you cut me off just like that I'd become irritable. I'm a healthy woman and I need sex. So after a solid month plus, without it, I was climbing the walls. I didn't want to fuck that fat grease-ball Dell, I wanted you."

"I always want you. I'm not proud of it by any stretch of the imagination but I did invite that boy over. I'm also not proud of why I did, but I was desperate. I needed my husband back and I needed you so badly that the lines between right and wrong got blurred. He had a vial of the stuff they drugged me with and he'd told me that it would work on you too. I was sure that if I got you back between my legs, you'd never leave there again so I had to have that vial of stuff. I only promised the little bastard a hand-job. That's all it was supposed to be I swear it. His dick was so tiny I almost laughed at it. But then I started to imagine him as you and the next thing I knew I was sucking his dick and calling him Dell. I was getting more and more worked up and the next thing I know he had pushed me onto my back and stuck that little thing inside of me. Then you came in and the rest is history."

"It was a mistake plain and simple. I was drugged and desperate. But I know that if you forgive me we can get past this."

I just looked at her.

"You weren't drugged the second time," I said.

"Yes I was," she said emphatically. "It was a different drug but it was even more effective."

"I don't remember seeing that in the police report," I said.

"The drug I was on is called Dell," she said. "You got me hooked on it and then cut me off. I was going through withdrawal."

"Then you probably should have just told me the truth," I said. "I've loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you and I never would have blamed you for what happened that first time. But June, you hid it and lied and ruined our marriage. You made it so there's just no trust left between us. It's pretty hard to come back from that. We were on life support and dying slowly. But when you brought that asshole into my house, intending to have sex with him just so you could then drug me, it killed any chance of us getting back together."

"Dell, I never intended to have sex with him it just happened," she cried. "You have to understand..."

"June, you don't consider a hand job to be sex?" I asked.

"No, Dell, I don't," she said shakily. We both knew she was lying.

"So you wouldn't mind it then, if I just pulled up her skirt and finger fucked your sister until she came?" I asked.

"My sister doesn't like men, Dell, so she'd never let you do it," she smirked.

I looked at May and apologized to her. "I'm really sorry, I never knew," I said. She gave June a really evil look then.

"Okay, don't worry about it," I said. "Now that I know your rules, there are a lot of women at work that I'll be helping out from now on."

"Dell, if you touch any one of those whores at your job, I'll beat the shit out of them," screamed June.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you're mine, Stupid," she hissed. "You have no right to do anything with anyone except me. I love you."

"It's funny, but I felt the same way about you, June," I said. "Only you crept around and did yours behind my back." She looked down at the table and couldn't face me.

"May, is it okay if I start my turn now?" I asked politely. She nodded but was still angry at June for outing her.

"May, before I get started I need to say something to you. I probably won't have the chance once June hears what I have to say." She turned and looked at me.

"June, told me something that wasn't my business, but I want you to know that no one will ever learn about it from me, ever. I promise." She just nodded and I think a little of her anger left her.

"June, I'm sorry. I never saw this coming. Every thought, every idea, every plan I made contained the two of us growing old together. But that simply can't happen anymore. As you already know, neither of us makes any kind of money, but I've filled out one of those online self- serve divorces. We should sit down together and complete the forms sometime this weekend after we get paid."

I expected her to cry. I was prepared for it. I was prepared for her calling me names or even screaming. I was hoping that we could just calmly discuss it. I wasn't prepared for her to simply tilt her head back and laugh at me.

"Fuck you Dell," she said. "You and I are in this for the duration. I need you more than air. There is no way that we're going to get a divorce. You can file all of the paperwork you want. It won't happen. You keep forgetting that I work for a law firm and a very big one. I type up legal forms and papers every God damned day. I'm also friends with at least ten lawyers. While you're filling out online forms, I'll have some of the best fucking lawyers in the state advising me and making sure this divorce NEVER happens. I'll be working on blocking this divorce and slowing it down every waking moment I have."

"I have far more free time than you do, Honey and while you're busting your ass taking care of the kids and the house, I'll be working on preventing this divorce. I know damn near every fucking judge in the legal system and I'll use every dirty trick I have to. And while the divorce stretches on and on and ON, your anger will fade and you'll remember what this is all about. You love me Dell and you know it. Every fiber of your being responds to me and longs for me. You should have seen your face when I walked in here in this skirt. You were so jealous just thinking about some other guy seeing me in it that it was crazy. And when you found out that I only wore it for you, your anger turned to lust. You still want me. If my sister wasn't here, period or not, we'd be fucking on this table right now and you know it. You won't last a month."

"I love YOU Dell; no one else. There are no other men in my life, my heart or my bed. What happened was just a couple of really bad judgment calls on my part. I told you I'm sorry. Now let's end this silliness and get back to our lives."

"Thank you for trying to help us May," I said. "I have to go pick up my kids now. June: where should I send the papers?"

"Send them up your ass Dell," she smirked. "Because that's where shit goes and I won't be signing them."

Then she got up and she and May left. Over the next few days, things got really bad. June called me every day and left me messages telling me how much she loved me and how she was doing this for the good of our family and our marriage.

My legal forms were sent back to me unsigned with a long letter that was stamped by a notary telling me that I'd filled the forms out incorrectly and they were, therefore, not valid. There was a sheet of instructions on the proper way to fill them out. When I went back to the legal aid office and got help doing the forms, I was served with a writ that gave June thirty days before I could send her the forms again. I was also told that the forms had to be delivered or served by a bonded officer of the court; which with all of my bills, I simply couldn't afford.

Then I got a letter from the court ordering me into family counseling to try to save the marriage. June had several lawyers who did nothing but divorce work helping her out with her case. Since there were a team of them, none of them really had to spend very much time on it, but they were blowing me and my free lawyer out of the water. We were simply outgunned, out manned and outsmarted at every turn.

June used the counseling sessions as a chance to get me to talk to her. I could barely afford to pay for my share of the counseling charges and still buy groceries. That took over a month and was inconclusive. At the end of the counseling sessions, June still wanted us back together. I still wanted a divorce. She had won several points in the counseling though. One of the things the doctor had done was to have us answer questions under a polygraph. The asshole had cheated too. He'd asked two questions that June and her fucking lawyer used against me. He'd asked me if I still loved her. I'd admitted that I did and he put it in his report. He'd asked me if I wanted to stay married to her. I'd said, "No," and he'd caught me lying. After he submitted his report to the court, which June's lawyer friends paid for because I couldn't afford it, the judge ruled in favor of another thirty day cooling off period.

Then I faced my next losing battle. June moved back into the house. I had no legal standing or reason from barring her entry to her own home. I got ready to move out myself and found out that I couldn't. The way I found out was nasty. June had one of her lawyers come over to the house and explain to me that if I moved out, it could be seen as me abandoning the marital home and my children. If I was hoping for custody or even liberal visiting rights, that move would not be in my best interest.

I called my free lawyer and he agreed with the guy. June's high priced lawyer just smirked at me like we were old friends and he'd just beaten my ass at chess. "Are you fucking her too?" I asked.

He really didn't like that. He got really pissed. Then he made a phone call and the same guy from the police department who'd done our polygraph tests before, came to my house. He hooked the high and mighty lawyer up to the machine and let me ask him my questions. To the best of the guy's knowledge, neither he, nor any of the other lawyers were having sex with June.

He took me out to a bar after I apologized to him and explained things to me. June worked for their firm and had been a loyal and faithful employee for almost ten years. They all liked her and would do anything they could to help hold on to her dream. For ten years they'd heard June talk about me like the sun shone out of my ass and they wanted her to stay happy so they were in it for the long haul. Ten or twelve top lawyers each spending fifteen or twenty minutes a day on June's case was like having one extremely good full time guy. I was trying to compete against that using five minute sessions with a freebie lawyer who not only didn't specialize in divorce law, but wasn't anywhere near the middle of the bottom of his class in law school.

He also explained to me that it looked really good for a lawyer to spend part of his time doing pro-bono work. And that's what June's friends were doing.

I got little sessions like that from several different lawyers at least a couple of times a week. They all came over to tell me that something I was going to try to do was stupid, and what June would do in return.

I'd just gotten back from a session with my freebie lawyer, when I walked into the house and found June making dinner. I just shrugged my shoulders and sat down at the kitchen table. As I watched her cooking, I didn't say anything.

I looked over at my kids playing and happy and I remembered what both my freebie guy and June's five hundred dollar an hour lawyer had told me. I was fighting a battle that I didn't have the money or any other resources to win. For the last two weeks, trying to pay off the frigging counseling charges which June's lawyer friends had paid her half of, had me to the point where I was barely able to pay the minimum on our bills and even then had to cut out a lot of our groceries. I made sure the kids had what they needed and their favorite snacks but I hadn't had a beer or even a soda since this had started. I glanced at my new American Muscle catalog and didn't dare even open it. I was so broke that I couldn't even afford to mail it back to them, let alone order any parts for my Mustang.

Both lawyers had also told me that as much as I was running myself ragged, trying to be mom and dad to them, my kids were suffering during the divorce too. Maybe not physically, but emotionally, the kids weren't as happy as they should be. I made up my mind then. With a lump in my throat I realized what I had to do.

I watched June humming as she cooked. She seemed happy. I knew then that she already knew what the lawyers had told me and she had no problems using my children's happiness and well-being against me if it got her what she wanted.

"You win," I said quietly. My voice was barely above a whisper, but she heard me just the same. She turned around to me with the biggest smile I'd seen in a long time and nodded her head. To her credit, she was smart enough not to try to come over to me or touch me. She just gave me that little nod and went back to cooking. But for the rest of that evening, everywhere she walked, she had a little more zip in her step. And I noticed sometime before dinner that there weren't any panty-lines in her skirt anymore and her bra under her blouse also seemed to have vanished.

As usual, I put my kids to sleep after reading their favorite bedtime story. I sat in the room with them for a while in the darkness and thought about things. I knew that June and her lawyer friends would consider this a battle they'd won. And I guess on paper, I never really had a chance. They had all of the advantages and I had all of the weaknesses. There was really never any doubt about the way things would turn out. It was hard for me to see this as a defeat though. I'd simply been unwilling to use my children's innocence and well-being as collateral damage. And June hadn't won. I had simply conceded the battle, not the war.

This was a war I couldn't win with overwhelming numbers or strength of arms, so I'd decided to dig in and fight a long drawn out guerrilla war. And I knew it would be a long one. With Melissa about to turn nine and Todd turning seven that next week, I figured the war would last for about ten years.

A few moments later, I softly closed the door so I wouldn't wake the kids and found June's smiling face beaming at me.

"I'm so glad all of that silliness is over," she said. "Did you see how happy they are to have us all back together again?"

"That's why I did it," I said sadly. She looked at me and wiped my eyes.

"I don't understand, Dell," she said. "This is a happy time. Our family is back together."

"Besides," she said moving so close to me that her nipples were digging into my chest. "If he plays his cards right, I know somebody who might be getting some pussy tonight."